Monday, October 29, 2012

Weekend with THE Cub:

When I first met "Mean Cub", I was a little apprehensive because he is an Austin native. With a city that gay, I wasn't quite sure what I was getting into. Can I bring him around Mama? Would he act "right" at the family dinner table or spontaneously break out in song like Kurt from Glee?

There are times when I test his masculinity with rapid fire questions. Who do the Longhorns play? Home or away? What time? Who's going to win? What do you mean you don't know?! It is my way of training him so he may assimilate into Louisiana's more conservative culture should he move.

Fortunately, Mean Cub actually likes watching football and understands the rules. I am very lucky indeed! Now, I just need him to tone down his arrogant Texas Longhorn-ness. You are in SEC country now. Moderate everything with, "but I have always loved LSU!" at the dinner table. Thanks!

This weekend, we continued exploring the dynamics of our relationship. He grocery shopped, cooked, and cleaned the kitchen while I played tennis. "Hey, I could really get used to this lifestyle!", I thought as I laid battle weary on the couch... with a full belly.  :)

His FAMOUS Tortilla Soup:


So, aside from the long distance... the relationship is going swell. We seem to compliment each other nicely. In fact, I was just telling my Dad how great our weekend went. His response: "Let me get this straight. He drove 14 hours to see you, cooked and cleaned all weekend, while you played tennis?"  I was like - "YES! Isn't he great?!" :)

I am on guard however. His best friends warned me multiple times that Mean Cub has only gotten skinny during the courtship, but his waist will explode like a can of biscuits the moment I put a ring on his finger. Don't you just love best friends? I was advised to padlock the fridge after the wedding. Taken care of.

IN OTHER NEWS...

Jimbo's insanity continues to go unabated by evidence of this picture (SEE BELOW). Am I the only one here brave enough to state the obvious - what a perfect representation of the creature known as Jimbo being spawned and promptly expelled from nature's "poop shoot"! Everything makes sense now.

Friday, October 26, 2012

YES, WE CAN!

All the hard work has finally paid off as I have once again WON a Doubles Championship with the former blogger named Jay. I call him "Kitty Katz" because it adds a cuteness to his image he desperately needs because he is a mean S.O.B. I know, because I was told repeatedly - "you are so sweet and charming, but your partner is an ASS!"

That's Kitty Katz for you. If we are both Sith, Jay is Ginger Rage Bitch Sith from Hell. He doesn't bother remembering opponents names. He'll pick a noticeable flaw and call them out by that trait. "Hit to the old man!" or "Let's slam the fucking ball down the nelly one's throat!" I get embarrassed and whisper, "Jay... his name is XYZ... stop saying it so loudly... they are going to hear you!" As a Ginger, repressed and shunned by the rest of the population, Jay doesn't give a shit.



THE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS. With his awesome serve and meanness, and my stability and superior net play, we rolled over the competition winning all sets en route to winning the Championship. Everyone rooted for our opponents, but they were denied seeing THE SITH TEAM go down. :) Muahaha.


In singles, I was eliminated by the #1 seed in the semi-finals after defeating two foes. I was happy to finish #3 considering I played from 9am to 4pm each day with only 30 minutes rest between each match.

Thanks Jay for traveling all the way down to Louisiana to help me get a second Doubles Championship Trophy. We make a great doubles team AND a good friendship, even though you told your partner I was 5'2" when I am really 5'7". I forgive you bitch. ;) Let's do it again some time and go for our third championship together!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Woo Pig Sooie:

SIX DAYS have passed since my public humiliation. I was promoted to the second highest court by our Team Captain. My new doubles partner is a very talented Asian player who goes all out aggressive on the court.

Admittedly, I was a tad bit intimidated because my doubles partner is well-known for his skills AND being super chatty on the court. I was quickly told we were the stronger team and we need to play "not wimpy". Growl. Did he just suggest that my style of play is "wimpy"?! Grr... no one disrespects bunifa latifah halifah sharifa jackson that way!

I channelled my anger and went toe-to-toe with the other tennis players. My Asian doubles partner and I won the thrilling match in three sets. I was happy because I stepped up my game. In fact, I would dare say that I carried our team. My moment of elation was short-lived, however, as my doubles partner looked down and said, "You need to lose that belly!"

My internal voice reacted, "WHAT IN THE FUCK DID HE JUST SAY?!" My actual voice said, "I think I am doing okay for a 42 year old American male". The subject was abruptly dropped. Most likely, I insulted him when I referred to myself as an American... inferring that he is NOT. I felt guilty about the slip, but not enough to apologize. My Ego blocked any such nonsense -- "HE CALLED ME FAT!"

After consulting with several friends, there seems to be an ongoing cultural war between Asian Americans and their fellow slothful American counterparts. We girthy Americans are constantly harrassed for not maintaining good diet and exercise. Asian genetics are a gift that we simply do not possess.

Once again, we are scheduled to play as doubles partners tomorrow night in league. What will I be criticized for this time? The bigger question: WHAT WILL I SAY NEXT? Filter! Can we get a filter installed in here?

Monday, October 08, 2012

SQUEEFUL COVETS:


   
Pardon me if I am walking around with a certain swagger and a can of whoopass these days. I am obsessively working hard to put myself in the best possible position to win two upcoming tennis championships.

In three short weeks since acquiring new weaponry, the Head YOUTEK IG Speed 18x20, I have compiled a 11-3 record in doubles and 6-0 record in singles against the same fierce competition I'll face in a tournament. Everything is going according to plan.

With the New Orleans Fleur-dis-lis tournament in less than two weeks, I am set to debut as the #2 seed unless there is a major influx of last minute entries. In doubles, I am partnering with former blogger Jay who has Serena-like powerful serves and ground strokes. We won a USTA 3.5 doubles championship in Mississippi before and should be a formidable team again this tournament.

As part of my conditioning, I am working out with a personal trainer, a tennis coach, and playing five times a week. My focus is 100% on this tournament. WINNING IT ALL is my only goal. Anything less will be considered a major disappointment.

Just in case you were wondering what the hell I have been up to...