Saturday, April 21, 2012

Things that Make Me Go Kraken!

As everyone knows, I am NOT an opionated person. I keep a low profile and views to myself. It's what I do to maintain peace and harmony with the glorious goal of getting along well with others.

But... I HATE THIS SONG. Obviously, that's Jimbo in drag, but who in the hell wrote these lyrics?! Everytime I hear this stilettos song on Sirius-XM radio, I want to spit in contempt at its silliness. The worst part is that I can't get the awful hook out of my head. Groooooowl. MAKE IT STOP!!! :( !!!!

Thursday, April 19, 2012


I could take the easy way out and join a gay softball league. The thought of being emasculated into doing queer cheers with a bunch of gay men, who revel in making up the sissiest cheers for the sake of... well... being sissy... makes me spit. Never will I play gay softball -- which is a bastardization and mockery of real sports if you ask me.

As a manly tennis player, I am required to exert excellent forward, backward, and lateral agility in mere seconds. Core muscles must work together to deliver blistering pace and unrivaled force against foes. Split-second tactical decision making... strong eye and hand coordination requires Sith-like brain power. Few can meet the challenge. 

In the last three weeks,  I have focused on correcting my slide into mediocrity. The bounce back has been incredible as I have taken down  the #1 and #2 teams in my local men's league on Thursday nights. RAWR!

With a tournament this weekend and the state of Louisiana championship coming up next month, the timing could not be better.


Monday, April 09, 2012


ARGH! I have become the Caroline Wozniacki of the tennis world. HOW DID I GET HERE?! WHEN DID I LOSE MY SITHNESS?!

I have somehow lost a competitive drive to win.While this may be viewed as a healthy psychological breakthrough, it is disasterous for my USTA Team which needs a constant production of victories. I am recruited because I am expected TO WIN -- not go through the motions!

In a vain effort to stop the losses, I have rehired my personal trainer AND former tennis coach. Additionally, I am reducing the number of times I play each week so the matches I do play gain higher importance. I don't have much time to get back on track, but if anyone can quickly rebound, it's me and my OCD.
Once we are committed, we cannot be stopped.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword:

I have the utmost respect for my Sith Lord Team Captain, who covets VICTORY AT ALL COST. Through his leadership and cunning strategy, every team in our path has been taken down. Currently, our team is undefeated and leading the 10 team Baton Rouge division with two matches to go. We are on the cusp of playing for a second straight state championship 
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me. 
As a Sith tennis player on a Sith team, I am NOT on solid ground. My value to the team has diminished as individual losses have racked up. I can make all the excuses in the world that my losses came to players with bizarre styles of play, but in a Sith world... ALL LOSSES ARE UNACCEPTABLE. The pressure is on.

Our Sith Lord Team Captain just cunningly introduced two NEW players to our team (one considerably younger than myself). He forced us to compete for 3 solid hours in a brutal deathmatch practice on the hottest day of the year at the hottest time of the day. He watched us do battle and made private notes on a clipboard. Although it was not said, the message was quite clear: If you are unable to compete, you will be yanked from future lineups!

Last night, I clutched my weenie dog Pierre for comfort, as I seethed with bitterness. Why was I seething? Against our undefeated rivals, an indian club, I was NOT in the lineup. I had been benched in favor of a younger, more talented, and less squishy player. Grooooowl.

Congratulatory emails began pouring in from the team with good news that we had disposed of our main rivals 4-1... with much praise given to the younger player that took my spot. Hisssssssss. The daunting reality hit me square in the face. I have been replaced by a younger and better Sith tennis player.