Tuesday, January 31, 2012

"F" is for Friendships:

When I was asked to participate in two upcoming GLTA tennis tournaments, I initially waffled with indecision. I can play as much as I want at home. Why should I spend good money to play far away? It's about friendships dummy! Oh....

Jerry (seen pictured here with me) will be my doubles partner for Fort Lauderdale. We were last doubles partners in New Orleans in 2011. Jerry and I will be sharing a room (Feb 16-20th) with a woofy tennis player named Scott. The three of us should have loads of fun in Fort Lauderdale, where the locals are graced with Southern charm and enthusiastically greet visitors.

But that's not all! Two weeks later (March 1-4), I will be staying with Crail and Joey for the Heart of Texas Classic tournament. They will be hosting me in their new home, which I am excited to see. Crail and Joey are the perfect couple because they are easy on the eyes, always fun, and have a likeability rating off the charts! My challenge here will be to balance my business-like approach to playing in a tournament AND taking time to enjoy Crail and Joey's cheerful company.

(What would a blog post be without a rant?)

These are people who are clearly different than my autistic friends. Whom am I referring to as "autistic"? You know... douche friends that won't return phone calls, but never miss a chance to be comment trolls on my Facebook page. Or birthday moochers who are never around for anyone's birthday, but sure exploit their special day for free meals and drinks sometimes ridiculously stretching two weeks. Or entitlement queens who constantly ask for favors like: taking them to airport, meeting them out at a bar, giving them football tickets, loaning them money, keeping their dog, etc. but NEVER reciprocate. ARGH!!! Can someone please explain why I seem to have such a large number of friends suffering from some form of autism? Yay... me... :(

If I were President, I would make it mandatory for every student to pass a social etiquette and good graces class. A long time ago, being raised by a good family was sufficient. But sadly... modern times have encouraged social retardation, rudeness and surly behavior.


I am going to start mailing free books on social etiquette and good graces to my autistic friends. If you receive one of the following books, then know that I am doing my part to exert mild social pressure to fix you. Hopefully, you'll be encouraged to start acting right so I can stand being around you. NOT the other way around. Ahem.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Goodbye Losers:

I am officially saying "goodbye" to mating sites like MH, Grindr and Scruff. My recent job promotion has kept me too busy to keep in touch with all the twinks with flare, cheating partners, fakes, con-artists, and losers nobody wants.

Being told I have beautiful eyes brightened my day for ohhhh... the first 1,000,000 times. Now, YAWN. In the end, my future husband... THE ONE... never found me. I no longer hold on to the fantasy that he even exists.

The truth of the matter is that the perfect person for me is ME! I can't cheat on me, use me, tirelessly argue with me, or endlessly annoy me. It all makes sense. I LOVE myself more than any man possibly can.

Which is fine, because I don't need a man. Men are bastards. They lie, cheat, get bored, and always selfishly pursue their own interests at the expense of all others.

By removing myself from online dating sites, I can start a new relationship with the one person who has always been there... ME! Can you think of a couple more deserving of each other? I can't! :)

Now, if you excuse me I need to check in with my other half to let them know I'll be home late tonight. I have an aggressive and sweaty engagement lined up with my mistress (TENNIS).

Ring. Ring. "Hello? Hey, you handsome scruffilicious husbear! I'm gonna be home late tonight. Yeah... tennis again. Is that okay? GREAT. You are the best! I LOVE YOU TOO!"

Happily Ever After. Don't be jealous! ;)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

THRIVE:


As you may already know, Alabama defeated LSU last night in the BCS National Championship game. Our offense and play calling were hapless. Les Miles, LSU's coach, stubbornly kept in Jordan Jefferson as quarterback. He should have replaced him with SMARTER Jarrett Lee, who can throw deep strikes and vertical passes.

I can smile that LSU won the SEC and finished with an impressive 13-1 record and #2 in the AP Poll. An achievement that basketball schools like Maryland and Tennessee (which has sucked for decades) can only envy.

Predictably, a ragtag group of haters had a field day writing on my Facebook wall:

Hahahaha!!! ROLL TIDE ALL OVER YOUR BELOVED TIGERS! GEAUX TIDE!!!

Reauxl Tide! LSU-zers!!

Ouch. What a humiliating loss. Embarrassed for you and the Tigers. Awful. War Eagle.

The way LSU got beat tonight, they're gonna have to change their mascot to Rhianna.

Do they have your tennis coach?

Do we need to put you on suicide watch yet?

Every one of these hateful commenters intended to inflict emotional pain. Little do they know I THRIVE on negative energy. When you knock me down, I dust off and get stronger. This is the way of the Sith. WE THRIVE ON CHALLENGES, CONFLICT, AND REVENGE.

So, as you haters gloat today over my misfortune... know that my head is still held high. If I had a choice to switch places with you losers, I wouldn't.

HATER STATISTICS:

Their favorite football team records:
Maryland 2-10
Minnesota 3-9
Tennessee 5-7
Northwestern 6-7
Auburn 8-5

Average anal diameter gape:(KK and CB skewed data)
6.8"

Average penis size:(not even LT could increase this stat to something respectable)
5.5"

Average Squish factor:
Pillsbury Doughboy

Average Masculinity:
Flaaaaaaming and fierce with lots of flare!

Average Athletic Ability:
Mama wrote notes to exclude them from physical education

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Bama HATE T-Shirt:


The liberal press is ALL OVER this t-shirt designed by a Bama fan for the upcoming BCS National Championship game between LSU and Alabama.

Someone should make a shirt, "Hey MULLET HEADS, we already beat the hell out of you and we'll do it again!"

Every homosexual should now pull for the LSU Tigers... except for Mike.

"Name me one homely Miss Mississppi"

Monday, January 02, 2012

Happy Endings:


My marriage to Jimbo is officially OVER. It was a loveless engagement where I couldn't even give the old gal a test drive to see if the engine was smooth running or clanky. I held out great hope that one good LAY would fix the bitchy attitude once and for all. Now, we'll never know if there was a cure. (sigh) :(

That's fine. I don't need a man. They are just trouble. Besides, it's not about "LOVE". At 41 years old, I have grown wise to the fact that people do not enter relationships for LOVE. It is really what that person can do for them... enhance their life so to speak. In that respect, I can take care of myself.

The year 2012 is shaping up to be a great year. Besides my alma mater, LSU, drop-kicking Alabama for it's 3rd BCS title, the New Orleans Saints look likely to win it's second Super Bowl in three years on the shoulders of Drew Brees (who SHOULD be this year's MVP).

On a personal note, I am beginning the year with no debt, a new car that won't get me laid but gets 33 mpg, and a substantial salary increase. I plan to SAVE lots in 2012 and not piss it all away on men, beer and travel. I will concentrate on my career, fitness, and an upcoming tennis season with lofty expectations. Men will NOT be a priority.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get back to writing my Sci Fi book. I rediscovered the 65 typed pages recently on a flash drive. I hadn't worked on it in well over 5 years, but surprisingly, it is funny and very well written. It made me proud. :) Hmm...

That is all.