Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Woo Pig Sooie:

SIX DAYS have passed since my public humiliation. I was promoted to the second highest court by our Team Captain. My new doubles partner is a very talented Asian player who goes all out aggressive on the court.

Admittedly, I was a tad bit intimidated because my doubles partner is well-known for his skills AND being super chatty on the court. I was quickly told we were the stronger team and we need to play "not wimpy". Growl. Did he just suggest that my style of play is "wimpy"?! Grr... no one disrespects bunifa latifah halifah sharifa jackson that way!

I channelled my anger and went toe-to-toe with the other tennis players. My Asian doubles partner and I won the thrilling match in three sets. I was happy because I stepped up my game. In fact, I would dare say that I carried our team. My moment of elation was short-lived, however, as my doubles partner looked down and said, "You need to lose that belly!"

My internal voice reacted, "WHAT IN THE FUCK DID HE JUST SAY?!" My actual voice said, "I think I am doing okay for a 42 year old American male". The subject was abruptly dropped. Most likely, I insulted him when I referred to myself as an American... inferring that he is NOT. I felt guilty about the slip, but not enough to apologize. My Ego blocked any such nonsense -- "HE CALLED ME FAT!"

After consulting with several friends, there seems to be an ongoing cultural war between Asian Americans and their fellow slothful American counterparts. We girthy Americans are constantly harrassed for not maintaining good diet and exercise. Asian genetics are a gift that we simply do not possess.

Once again, we are scheduled to play as doubles partners tomorrow night in league. What will I be criticized for this time? The bigger question: WHAT WILL I SAY NEXT? Filter! Can we get a filter installed in here?


Blogger Tony (LT) said...

Asians are in a cultural war with Americans over fat?? Really??? We had an Asian nurses aide for my Granny for over a year. He never made any comment about my belly. Nor The Attorney's. Guess we got lucky.

October 10, 2012  
Anonymous Kevin M said...

Interesting how you refer to "Asian Americans" and "Americans" - as though "Asian Americans" are only "sort of" Americans, unlike REAL Americans, like yourself, who apparently need no modifier.

What an arrogant, racist rant.

Dismissing the fact that Asians (or Asian Americans) tend to be healthier proportioned as "Asian genetics" - really?

A filter would be a good thing. So would a gag.

October 11, 2012  
Blogger Brettcajun said...

Ugh. Comment Trolls. Where is my all-American baseball bat?

October 11, 2012  
Blogger Jason said...

I've got no idea about genetics and that sort of thing, but one only has to look at the ethnic divide in obesity figures to see there is a big difference between Caucasian American Males and those of Asian ethnicity.

I know that doesn't help much....oh well. I also know nowt about tennis, but dont hold that against me!

October 11, 2012  
Blogger Nurse P said...

I sometimes wonder if you don't tell these stories in some strange hope that your loyal readers will go, "Oh aren't fat! You don't have a gut! You are so sexy! Can I eat your ass?" Of course in this case, it appears that we must somehow dislike Asians in addition to reinforcing your need for approval, too. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk! :)

Grasshopper...when will you learn????!!! You are fine, just the way you are! You are not obese or fat or gross. The legion of men on here telling you how sexy you are should have convinced you of that years ago. And your tennis skills are awesome!

The only way you are ever going to make peace with any of this is just look at yourself, accept yourself, small nipples and all, and just love yourself. I guarantee if you do that, people will think you are the hottest thing in town! Even the thin Asian guy you are paired up with.

October 12, 2012  
Anonymous mike said...

"And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense."

October 12, 2012  
Anonymous Jeff said...

I have been told many times that the only adjective acceptable to precede American were:

Pacific Islander

For some reason, preceding American with, say European, was politically incorrect and insulting to anyone of another ethnicity. Just sayin'.

October 12, 2012  
Anonymous Atahualpa said...

Oh 'Pudge', I mean Brett, You can't help the fact southern Louisiana cooking' is SOOOOO good. Forget ur detractors and have some more bacon.

October 15, 2012  

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