Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Hateful B*tchface:

A good friend of mine joked that I am referred to as "hateful bitchface" in circles we run. You know what? That is actually not that far off! If men got periods, mine would be an overflowing raging river of blood. NO TAMPON, even the size of the Washington Monument, can soak up my menstruation cycle. I am struggling to control IT.

Blame it on this time of the year when the new tennis season starts. With every match publicly recorded and made a part of my permanent record, I go into a TIZZY of frightening seriousness that approaches Serial Mom-ness.

I am so focused, that people are judged to be either helpers or distractors. When I am in this mode, it takes every fiber of my being to respond to cutesy texts from the BF containing hearts, kissy smiley faces, and eggplant symbols (don't ask!). I grit my teeth and force myself to be a teenage girl and text back in kind. The compromises we must make for those we love. Shoot. Me.

Back in manlier news, I have acquired new weaponry! This is the Head racket used by Novak Djokovic. It gives advanced players all the control needed to dominate the court with aggressive play. That is my game.

On Saturday, I tested it out and obliterated the competition. In fact, one player screamed "FUCKER!" at me after I would not let them make a passing shot. Soooo inappropriate in a bourgeoisie sport.

I am choosing to name this racket: Sharapova THE slayer of fuglies, because Maria Sharapova is the prettiest tennis player of them all. Anyone daring to disagree with this statement will receive a full assault of hateful bitchface.


Blogger mikeinbama said...

I have to disagree with you, Ana Ivanovic is hands downs the pretty player on tour

September 18, 2012  
Blogger Brettcajun said...

Mike... you just made me peer at many pictures of Ana Ivanovic to investigate your incredidulous claims. Ana Ivanovic is NOT hands down the prettiest player on the tour. She needs to eat some ribs. Maria Sharapova is still the prettiest of them all. Mirror says.

September 19, 2012  
Blogger Jason said...

Its a medical fact that men have hormonal changes in their bodies, just look how crazy most get around a full moon - oh wait, am I getting confused with dogs.....Im not sure. maybe. Opps.

September 23, 2012  
Blogger Nurse P said...

Why does your boyfriend never comment on your blogs? I would love to see what he has to say about your all of your madness.

September 26, 2012  
Blogger Brettcajun said...

Because HE LOVES ME... he ain't hateful and sassy like you Nurse Ratched

September 26, 2012  

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