Friday, August 17, 2012

Best Bed Buddies 4 Ever:

If you are curious, the relationship with Tony from Austin is progressing well. Sure, there are bumps and bruises along the way, but we always rebound stronger than before.

We are extremely compatible in the you know what department. He's very affectionate, loves cuddling, and eagerly matches my high you know what drive. What endears me the most is that Tony ain't a frigid bitch. If I suddenly decide to flip him on the side and spoon with him at 3am, he doesn't scream bloody murder. Similarly, when I am jarred awake at 5am because of you know what, I just lie there and accept it because I shouldn't have slept nude wore a slinky red dress. Neither one of us complains or feels compelled to call Tori Amos's RAINN hotline.

However, finding common ground with our dueling personalities has been a bit of a challenge. For example, my PERFECTION has been an issue. I was raised in a disciplined environment where the parental units doled out punishments like kneeling down on concrete or shell rocks for an hour, whipping the shit out of us with belts, and screaming "SILENCE!" if we dared speak at the dinner table. We were to be seen, not heard. Fear of Dad reigned supreme, but it was a necessity I now realize.

My Dad had four kids in his early twenties and four jobs. He was rarely home. My parental units had no choice but to raise us as North Koreans. We were not showered with love or given praise. No Siree! It was more like -- "You dummy! Gawd dammit. Whattya mean you don't know how to do XYZ?! Are you stupid?! Have you no common sense?! I guess you'll be a ditch digger when you grow up!" I'd bow in my rice paddy hat and take the browbeating. "Yes, Father. I'm sorry. I have brought great shame on the family. I will do better."

So, when Tony (aka Mean Cub) told me early on I needed to do something about my belly, I wasn't phased one bit. Without any emotional response (weakness), his concern was duly noted and I took care of it. I have brought great shame on you. I will do better.

On the other hand, any critiques of his lifestyle choices get met with an impenetrable wall of resistance. Have any of you DARED tell an Italian, Hispanic, or Italian/Hispanic Mix Mutt what to do? DON'T! No matter how sincere your intentions are, you'll be screamed at -- "I'm sorry I am not perfect like you!!" Doors slam. Walls get kicked. You panic and search for the nearest emergency exit as they go full cray cray Rob rage on your ass!

Then there are sexting issues. It's perfectly okay to peek at your boyfriend's cell phone while they are passed out. Hey, if he doesn't passlock his phone, then he was asking for it. Right? You are amazed at the sheer number of flirty pics and strong sexual innuendos exchanged with HOT friends. What's this? Oh, every text to your BFF is a scathing bitchfest against mean things I, the douchenozzle boyfriend, just said or did. GASP!

God has a sense of humor. All the righteous indignation fades away when, to your sheer horror, your boyfriend knows your passlock code! OH SHIT. Of course, my flirty texts are abundant... I am a Gemini. Yes, I DID text more flirty pics than you did because... well... look at me! I have a porno bod. Wouldn't it be a waste not to share with the poor squishy bastards out there? It's... my... do good charity work. I am totally full of shit. Sorry. :(

YEAH! Relationships, especially between two men, are FUN FUN FUN! :) Despite the bumps, I think we are progressing in a normal and upward trajectory. With Southern Decadence, the trashy New Orleans festival, a mere two weeks away...  things are about to get even more interesting. If we can survive a weekend together with 100,000 gay men, then we can survive anything. (crossing fingers)

10 Comments:

Blogger SEAN said...

When did you ever have a belly?

August 17, 2012  
Blogger Brettcajun said...

Umm... apparently I have a HUGE ASS GUT if you listen to Kevin M. or Mean Cub.

August 17, 2012  
Anonymous Kelly said...

Oh how I wish "speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil" could arise again this year...yet other things have come up... damn the fun we could have taunting y'all...hope you survive and have a great time... maybe we will get down next year...
Kelly

August 17, 2012  
Blogger Blobby said...

Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

Did we (meaning 'you') learn nothing from one of those other / lesser bfs and taking them to Southern Decadence?

Je think you would be wise to skip it this year and focus on what really matters. ......your gut.

August 18, 2012  
Anonymous mattdallas said...

Belly?

You picked a real winner this time!

August 19, 2012  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Seven years ago Brett was punished for acts against nature by Mother Nature. Looks like he up to his old "tricks" again.

August 25, 2012  
Anonymous Bryan said...

Brett & Tony: That picture is adorable.
Hope we get to see more from Southern Decadence.
Have fun sweeties........Bryan

August 25, 2012  
Blogger cb said...

No matter how good the fucking is, I don't think I could put up with someone who told me early on "You need to get rid of your belly or I can't date you."

August 26, 2012  
Blogger Nurse P said...

I always think these kinds of stories are so sad. Is this what love and romance and relationships have turned into? Sexting and "Get Rid of Your Belly" and can we survive Southern Decadence?

I try very hard to keep an open mind and not form opinions. But, I can't help it. It makes me sad and a little pissed off that two men can not show each other enough respect to just do the right thing. Accept your partner. Don't demand they get rid of their belly. Don't send sexy pictures and "Oh, I wish I could suck your cock" texts to your friends and former hook ups. And, dear God --- leave shit like Southern Decadence alone! Be there for each other. Don't go to some crazy party where orgies and who knows what else might happen.

It's all a matter of respect. And, it sounds neither one of you respect yourselves or each other. I think this relationship might be doomed.

August 27, 2012  
Blogger ryan charisma said...

um, the REAL issue is:

you both searching each other's phone.

unacceptable.

August 27, 2012  

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