Kathy Bates Has A Bulge:

Admit it. We can all be Kathy Bates' character Annie in Misery. "I'll get your stupid paper, but you better show me a little more appreciation, Mister Man!" Boyfriends drive us so cray cray at times that we have no choice but to take a sledgehammer to them.

Here I was... not feeling appreciated. I'd stay home on weekends with pups watching Netflix. He'd be out in the Austin bars doing God-knows-what with God-know-who. I am sorry, but it's not okay for 40 year olds to spend a lot of time in bars. It's NOT healthy and it'll only make you look like a leathery lounge lizard which is not what I signed up for!

So, my preachy self took my own sledgehammer out via a swimsuit pic, which I intended to post on Facebook. I typically crop pics and only smear away electrical outlets or door frames. This time, I played with the "bulge" tool.

An inner voice whispered, "Don't you dare post this altered pic!" My inner Kathy Bates hissed, "COCKADOODIE. Swing that sledgehammer and hit the bitch between her beady eyes!"

And oh what a hit it was! The pic generated 34 likes and 46 comments in less than 24 hours. People who I regularly stalk were now messaging me. Old buds suddenly remembered my existence. New people were suddenly taking an interest because I was bulging with new muscle! ((GASP)) I was in my very own Drew Barrymore movie! Whatta I do?!

In good conscience, I had to come clean.

The titillation and attention was nice, but I didn't want to be asked 1,000 times if I shrunk in my very next public appearance. Afterall, Southern Decadence is only 5 weeks away. Talk about awkward! CRINGE :(

My boyfriend is still pissed I showed off the enhanced bod yesterday. I was given the "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Joan Crawford angry shake. Isn't that child abuse? In my defense, I was simply delivering a REALITY CHECK. I'm special too and deserve to be treated as such goddammit!