2011: The Poseidon Adventure

If I could sum up 2011, it'd be "The Poseidon Adventure". My Ex, Tommy, died succumbing to dangerous recreational use of inhalants. I think of him just about every day. While it was a privilege and honor to give his Eulogy, I am haunted by questions of what I could have done to save him.

There's got to be a morning after
If we can hold on through the night
We have a chance to find the sunshine
Let's keep on lookin' for the light

I traveled to Louisville, KY earlier this year to meet someone who had truly captivated me. I bulked up with a personal trainer in anticipation of the mind blowing sex meeting. Because of their fine tastes, I splurged extravagantly on an elegant room. Three days before I was set to arrive, he admitted to being married. Okay. That's cool. I was still prepared to meet this amazing person. Then came news that he couldn't meet because of a last minute work trip to China. It was a sucker punch I wasn't prepared for.

Oh, can't you see the morning after?
It's waiting right outside the storm
Why don't we cross the bridge together
And find a place that's safe and warm?

Then there was the masseur who seduced me. Life lesson: gay masseurs are nothing more than gypsy hookers who will tell you anything to get your money. I was so smitten by his fun and friendly nature, I agreed to buy him a plane ticket and book us a luxury room for five days in Chicago for IML. We were going to have SO MUCH FUN! Unfortunately, they secretly converted the ticket to fly to Atlanta to do necessary paperwork to become domestic partners with a flight attendant. He could now fly FREE anywhere with his new boyfriend. Yay! He had the gall to ask if they both could still bum together in my room (for free)? HELL NO.

It's not too late, we should be giving
Only with love can we climb
It's not too late, not while we're living
Let's put our hands out in time

Thank God for Jimbo! SNIFF. My future husbear is a godsend for a shitty year. Trust me, I am just as giddy as our fans who masturbate to visions of us rubbing our scruffy beards together making sweet love. Our Anger/Make-Up Sex will be the envy of all other couples. Take that Durban Bud and Chuck!

There's got to be a morning after...

Jimbo: Thank you for allowing me to go through the holidays with a beacon of hope that life will be better. I look forward to our Copulation Ritual. Mama already picked out a fancy white sheet to make sure you are indeed a virgin. LOVE YOU SWEETIE!!! SMOOCH. FANNY PAT. NIP TUGS. :)

Merry Christmas Germy Co-workers:

Yes, I DID give this Christmas present to every office worker today. What can they do? They can still backstab, but I have taken away "Germ Warfare" from their arsenal of weapons to be used against me. :)

Ahem...

This is a TRUE story. I was gushing over my future scruffilicious husbear with a friend today. He was genuinely happy for us. Without warning, he asks... "Have you two drawn up a prenup yet?"

Umm... nooooo. Do we need one?

My bud advised that a little pre-marriage planning now would prevent a MESS when the divorce inevitably happens. Considering Jimbo's track record and penchant for exploding into bitchy rages (why Jimbo?), I thought it would be prudent.

Without further ado...

1. Money: What yours is yours... mine is mine. We split living expenses, but don't share checking accounts or credit cards. I ain't supporting your Jem and the Holograms fan girl addiction or every time a female pop star comes into town. You can indulge in the fantasy of being a glamorous fem pop star on your own dime.

2. What Constitutes Cheating: Looking at online porn ain't cheating. Masterbating to online porn is cheating only if you don't approach me FIRST about getting your urges met. NO WHORE... you are not permitted to maintain Manhunt, Grindr, Scruff, Squirt, Bear411, Daddyhunt or any other pervy sites. I don't give a goddamn if you want to maintain contact with acquaintances... you ain't parading yourself on those sites under the guise of "just looking for friends" or "for chat only".

3. My Enemies are Yours (not to be confused with enemas): If I can't stand a person, then you can't stand that person either. Your loyalty is very important to me. That means no hugging or smooching on ANYONE I can't stand and vice versa.

4. Sex: Did you think I married you for companionship or witty banter? HELLZ NO. I expect lots of it and in every position. Basically, you are my Heaux and I will treat you as such. You must shower regularly and always be prepared.

5. Children: NO! If you have maternal instincts, then consider your relationship with me as raising a small child.

6. Pets: Dogs are fine. No cats. Also, my Dachshunds Boudreaux and Pierre will be permitted to sleep with us every night. Typically, they like to sleep between us... but they can be moved during spooning or makeout sessions.

7. Mama & Family: Don't ever embarrass me in front of family. That means no telling any hilarious stories that will forever be held over my head or paint me in any negative light. Also, no queening out or nelly hand gestures in their presence.

8. Bar Etiquette: I may want to place an arm around you or my middle finger snuggly in your asscrack. PDA is perfectly okay especially if we bump into Ex's. If a stranger gropes, kisses, tongues, pulls on nips, or rubs our furry chests, it's not a screech worthy dramatic event. Don't embarrass me with a "EEK! GIT YER HANDS OFF MY MAN!" Politely introduce yourself as my boyfriend without breaking their hand in a menacing iron grip.

9. Squish: A little squish is okay, but I expect you to regularly maintain your sexiness by exercising and putting gym time in. Working out with your partner would score you MEGA bonus points.

10. Food: I admit to having limited cooking skills. What can I say? I have been spoiled by Mama and two Ex's who liked to cook. I can basically make breakfast, sandwiches, spaghetti, tacos, taco salad, pizza, roasts, or grilled chicken with sauteed spinach. If you want anything fancier or healthier... you'll either have to cook, we eat out, or we eat at Mamas.

The BIG announcement:

NOTE: THIS IS A POST DONE IN JEST.

You may have heard the rumor on the interwebs. IT'S TRUE! Jimbo and I have decided to stop being Mean Girls to one another and get engaged. Unlike classy Bette Davis in All About Eve, Cuntzilla (Bridezilla?) CAN be had for the price of a cocktail, like a salty peanut.

This should not come as a shock to anyone in the blogger community. Sexual tension fueled by biting quips and hair pulling has always been present. On more than one occasion, our exasperated fan bases begged -- "Would you two fuck and get it over with?!"

I guess deep down inside, I admire those who throw punches. They tend to garner my respect.

How Jimbo and I make love:
I diss the Glee character of Kurt Hummel. Jimbo tells me that I am even sissier playing the fag sport of tennis. He leaves me no choice but to put down Rugby players and the woeful Maryland Twerps football team.

Verbal blows soon turn into headlocks... "Admit you wear women's panties!" "Fuck you! I'll show you who wears panties!" We go back and forth physically wrestling for domination and subjugation of the other until it invariably turns into a spit infused HOT make out session.

I cannot fathom anything more romantic! :) Can you? Suddenly, I have STRONG Celine Dion musical urges:

Even though there may be times
It seems I'm far away
Never wonder where I am
Cause I am always by your side

Cause you're my lady
And I am your man
Whenever you grope for me
I'll do all that I can

We're heading for something
Somewhere I've never been
Sometimes I am frightened
But I'm ready to learn
Of the power of love

For those who need to know, Jimbo and I are registered at Walmart. NOTHING IS TOO FANCY FOR OUR TRAILER! Diapers and baby formula would greatly be appreciated as there are a buttload of babies on the way.

Le Retour à la Raison:

Something went wrong
I made a deal with the devil for an empty I.O.U.
Been to hell and back,
but an angel was looking through
It was you, yeah, you
It's all because of you

You are the reason
You are the reason I wake up every day
And sleep through the night
You are the reason, the reason
Celine Dion -- "The Reason"

I am done listening to heart wrenching LOVE songs from Celine Dion. Blech! GAG. Ack! Love is a fantasy. It does not exist.

While it is true that relationships are hard work, it shouldn't be this tough. I'm a catch (ahem... pitcher). I shouldn't have to work this hard for another's affections. It is the same teenage girl role I have starred many times before in a Lifetime Original Movie. STOP TYPECASTING ME!!!

There is only one entity responsible for this... my namby pamby HEART. It has failed and embarrassed me for the last goddamn time. So, I have thrown it into a locked bird cage where it can ETERNALLY ROT for all I care.

The EGO is back in charge. GOD. HELP. YOU. ALL.

For your own safety, I suggest you leave the premises immediately. Molly, you in danger girl."

The wisdom I have gained in 2011 is immeasurable. Through both good and bad experiences, I have pretty much figured out myself, people, and life in general.

Why has it taken me so long? Stubbornness? Naivety? I dunno.

I can tell you this... NOT ANYMORE. I ain't putting up with your bullshit or anyone else's.

Now if you will excuse me, I've got a show to do! (flips hair and sashay's off in high heels)