Things that make MEN squirm:

It was a simple question asked after a moment of intimacy: What are you looking for? Are you open to dating and pursuing a relationship? Ruh Roh.

After choking and coughing on an imaginary item lodged in my throat, I startled the inquisitive soul with a long pause. My face flushed three shades of crimson. I felt difficulty breathing. Clearly, I would have won BEST DRAMATIC ACT OF BEING CHOKED TO DEATH BY DARTH VADER.

My response was the most convoluted and obtuse ten minutes of psychobabble I had ever given. After listening to the painful attempt, the puzzled guy replied -- "I have absolutely NO IDEA what you just said. Answer the question. Are you open to dating? YES or NO?" (GULP!)

Why am I having difficulty with this question? I suppose it is because neither him nor I have ever talked about our feelings. We are presently enjoying each other's company with no strings attached. Perfectly "OK" short term, but not practical the longer we see each other.

I could easily fall for this guy, but it scares me. I have had so many disappointments. What will happen to my meticulously constructed lifestyle that has protected me from ever having to feel hurt, jealousy, or a broken heart? While it has suited me well, it offers me no such protection if I hurl myself off a cliff yelling, "I DO!"

I shiver in fear treading on the precipice of being human...

It's a skeery world. Am I brave enough? Can I throw caution to the wind to love and be loved again? Pondering such things leaves me perplexed. I go "UGH!" and frantically search for anything else to occupy my thoughts.

Life is easier as a Sith. Human? Not so much.

The Silence of Bees

I was greeted by visitors to my home many months ago. They were a curiosity to me. Dutifully going about their business climbing wood columns and disappearing under siding. Everyday, I watched with fascination as they climbed with bright yellow pollen on their legs.

I had a moral dilemma. Many times I have read where the bee population has been decimated nationwide. What do I do? I called various Bee removal services and they all charged quite a bit. In the past, I have witnessed large dragon flies swooping down to eat the bees in the afternoon. Hmm... can't I just let nature take care of nature? Perhaps we can all co-exist peacefully together? That was a pipe dream.

Everyday, I calmly walked out to my vehicle and ignored the bees buzzing around me. Sometimes they would bump into me, but never did they sting me. It was a little annoying to navigate through a swarm of bees, but a part of me felt proud that I let them be.

As time marched on, the swarm got bigger and bigger. With a low mosquito population, there aren't as many dragon flies on the farm eating bees. A part of my brain told me that I had to do something that I did not want to do.

After a morning of tennis, I arrived home and regretfully got my first bee sting. I have been stung enough by wasps, yellow jackets, and bees as a child to not have a highly allergic reaction. Sure, it hurt but it was more of a nuisance than anything else.

What if I had a visitor who was highly allergic to bee stings? I had to do something. I stalled for weeks, but eventually did what must have been done.

The next morning, I found scores of bees dead. There was no buzzing sound or bees flying around to greet me as they have done so on a daily basis. It made me sad. I killed them all. I am a bad person. :(

Why are we forced to hurt or kill other living beings? Why must our very existence harm nature time and time again? Reflecting on such things is pointless because I always arrive at the same answer: "that's just life!" Somehow, it doesn't make me feel any better.

"Oh..."

"It's alright to say you want it
Get inside my dirty mind
Burns like ice the way I bring it
Again and again and again all night"
Britney Spears, Up n'Down

The moment of clarity I mentioned in the previous blog post has had a profound impact on me. I began questioning everything from my relationship with others to how I conduct my life. What if it is not THEM that are crazy? What if it is ME? Do I live in my own Bizzaro World?

It is a daunting task to untangle from a carefully woven web we have spent decades spinning to protect ourselves. Layer upon layer spun to catch intruders. The thicker and stickier... the better to shield ourselves from certain truths and realities.

I am often asked the most cringe worthy of questions -- "Why are you single? What is wrong with you?" Nothing pisses me off more than those two. In fact, not only do I take great umbrage... my serpent tongue splits in two as I defiantly cut down the perpetrator who dare ask!

An earful of fiery rhetoric in my best Julia Sugarbaker tone on WHY I am not settling follows. The poor bastard receives a LAUNDRY LIST of conditions that must be met before cohabitation. In the end, they are usually left in an exhausted heap wishing they had never asked. My intention exactly.

Do you remember when Maryann the Maenad was puzzled by Sookie in True Blood? She carefully studies Sookie and with a look of amazement asks -- "What are you?!" This is exactly the reaction I get from others.

I am a person who has been hurt and disappointed many times. What you see before you is someone who has carefully built up defenses. I have created my own world which often keeps me too busy to pine for or stew over others. In a way, I have unconsciously built a perfect world bereft of human frailties such as emotions or feelings.

Is it right? No. As I am being courted by others, I must knock down the bulked up defenses if I am ever to find true love. This is where my mind is. Full of contemplation.

On a side note -- do you know that one of my favorite poems is by William Wordsmith? For me, "Tintern Abbey" invokes great thought on reflection, contemplation, and spiritual awakening. Check it out.