Saturday, June 25, 2011

Hanging with Austin's FINEST:

I love when sexy friends visit. Joey and Crail, from Austin, hung out and spent the night with me in New Orleans. Unlike many of the locals Matt D., they are adorably sweet!

There was only a smidgeon of drama at the Bourbon Pub last night. Someone had scathingly referred to me as a "midget" and questioned my coordination on Facebook last Sunday. We are not Facebook friends, but I saw the status update because a mutual friend had commented on it.

At 41 years old, I ain't taking ANY shit from anybody! If someone wants to poke fun at my height, I can sure as hell find a dozen physical, mental, and behavioral flaws on them.

As Crail and I passed by this Facebook coward, I loudly said -- "GODDAMN! THERE SURE IS SOME NELLIE ASS PEOPLE IN THIS BAR!" The Poof turned around to find me menacingly staring him down with fangs out... staying locked on even as I turned the corner. YES, I am that damn coordinated!

Later, the evil Facebook status updater had the gall to try to approach my buds Crail and Joey. (he has a thing for scruffy manly men) At the precise moment he was ready to introduce himself, they handed me a beer and put their arms around me. I couldn't have written a better bitch slapping script!

The moral of the story: IT IS ALWAYS BEST TO BE ON MY GOOD SIDE

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Love of a Dog:

There was a time when I flirted with turning away from the Dark Side. No longer was I scowling at squishy grocery store patrons in line to buy beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets.

I was preoccupied with Lexie the Beagle, who had a voracious appetite for Marrobone treats. I also had to buy large rolls of paper towels for all the times I had to wipe up dog pee.

Babysitting a puppy is not easy, but it is rewarding. Lexie's playful exuberance brings a smile to my lips. She is so full of life and innocence. The dog just wants to be loved and give love back. The greatest feeling in the world is having a puppy sleep soundly against the warmth of your neck.

It worked. I spent hours reflecting on my life. Much of the past two years have been dedicated towards tennis and very little else. Battlefields are littered with disposed foes. I not only command the respect of each team captain, but rival players as well. Is it time to move on from living like a Terminator?

What about the Sci Fi book I began to write 6 years ago, but then stopped on page 48? What about making room in my life for a new partner? Hmm... really deep thoughts indeed!

I'm convinced Lexie's heroic mission was to find and rescue my cold dead heart. It's a brave new world.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Sharapova: SITH LORD

There are very few people who I actually admire. Maria Sharapova is one of them. Why? She is a terminator on the tennis court. Sharapova's steely desire to win coupled with the way she menacingly stares down opponents made me sell my soul to her a long time ago. Sharapova is my Sith Lord.

Two years ago, Sharapova suffered a shoulder injury which severely affected her play. Many pondered whether her career was over. I never lost faith. Sure, like any Sith, I was FURIOUS when Li Na eliminated her in the French Open. Grrrooooowl! I eventually forgave her.

I now look upon Li Na as a challenge that us Sith thrive on. I relish the thought of Sharapova eliminating Li Na in the semi-finals and WINNING Wimbledon. It's going to happen... and Sharapova will once again reign supreme in women's tennis. Muahaha!


A Beagle pup named Lexie continues to occupy my weekends. Once again, I am babysitting her for my Niece. I don't mind because the Beagle pup is adorably sweet. My dogs really like her.

Loving a puppy is WEAKNESS for us Sith. I am convinced that she was sent to covertly turn me away from the Dark Side. MUST... RESIST... RESUSCITATING... MY COLD DEAD HEART!!!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Cruelest Video:

I am trying to get through the WORST and most horrible day of the year and some bitch named Chad sends me this. SNIFF. I have really cruel friends.

By the way, I have turned "41" today. I have purposely made this day like any other day. GYM, WORK, and TENNIS. I'll be damned if this day thinks it is any more special than any other day.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Keeping Lexie the Beagle:

I must be getting old. Besides playing only three sets of tennis Saturday morning, I didn't do much of anything. I spent most of the time on the couch with my two Dachshunds and my Niece's beagle puppy named Lexie.

While her owners were out of town, I pampered Lexie the beagle and made her co-dependent. We cuddled and watched LOTS of "Hot in Cleveland" episodes. I fed her people food. Whenever she tried to play bite me, I put a rawhide in her mouth.

It can be therapeutic to have lazy weekends. I felt good giving my pups and Lexie plenty of attention. I think we humans often take our pets for granted. That is sad because they have a considerably shorter life span than we do. My dogs are my children and I treat them as such.

If I had to guess, this week will be another do nothing week. Sure, I'll workout and ward away the Squishy. I'll play some tennis. Purposefully, that will be about it. This week will go down as the most uneventful of all weeks for 2011 as so ordered by my Ego. ;)

Thursday, June 09, 2011

When Things Go Awry:

Grrrooooowl. FAILURE! I'm licking wounds from consecutive defeats at the hands of Sith Jacob. We channeled our emotions and rage to unleash the most powerful tennis court battle the Hilton Riverside has ever seen! Each match was a thrilling slugfest oozing with testosterone, aggression, and stellar athletic play.

My preferred style of play is fast paced balls-to-the-wall aggression. I fire missile after missile at 100 mph... charge the net... then put the ball away in dramatic fashion. There is not a ball I can't get to as I hunt it down like a deranged Honey Badger.

Unfortunately, Sith Jacob possessed something I didn't... patience. He wisely won the consistency battle by altering his pace, shot selection, and risk. I had to thrawt Sith Jacob's EXCELLENT running ability by trying to hit winners on every shot. Infuriatingly, I blew 40-0 and 40-5 leads... ultimately losing the matches 6-2-6-4 and 6-3,6-4. Argh! :(

In other news...

Some DICK HEAD keeps placing the following bumper sticker on my vehicle:

This is the FOURTH TIME in over a year that this particular bumper sticker was slyly placed on my vehicle. Each time, the SUV was parked in the French Quarter. It HAS to be a job done by really CLOSE FRIENDS who know my vehicle, live in New Orleans, and monitor my Facebook check ins.

Do you know how embarrassing it would be if my co-workers or family saw this on my vehicle? Grrr... the perpetrators WILL BE CAUGHT!!!

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

So, we meet again...

"Tell me what you regard as your greatest strength, so I will know how best to undermine you; tell me of your greatest fear, so I will know which I must force you to face; tell me what you cherish most, so I will know what to take from you; and tell me what you crave, so that I might deny you." ----Darth Plagueis
Once upon a time, as a young Sith Acolyte, I met Mexico City's racquetball champion. In our first tennis tournament, we were paired together as doubles partners. Jacob had less tennis experience than me, but his tenacity caught my attention.

Jacob has a passion for winning. During play, every fiber of his being is committed to defeating his foe. He lunges ferociously after each and every ball like a charging bull to a matador. We are kindred raging spirits.

It was at this tournament that I would learn the cruelness of Sith training. Not only would I join forces with Jacob to defeat weaker teams, but I would have to eliminate him as well. Which I DID... SMIRK. ;)

As the years have past, I have watched Jacob's progress from afar. To my surprise and dismay, his on-court success and ranking has outpaced my own. In fact, he won last year's HOUTEX, whereas I flopped out in humiliating fashion in the second round.

Today, Darth Jacobus arrives in New Orleans as a more powerful Sith Lord. Naturally, he challenged me to a tennis match. As is customary between Sith, we trash talked each other. (Cracking Knuckles)

I texted Darth Jacobus, "Rest up little boy... it will be a battle at the Hilton Riverside!" He replied back, "This little boy is going to whip your ass so bad that you will be asking for mercy. See you at the battlefield."

Groooowl. Such talk intoxicates us Sith, filling our hearts with adrenaline and whipping us into a bloodlust frenzy. Defeat me and I will respect you. This is the way of the Sith.
Sith Jacobus vs. Sith Brettcajun
Hilton - New Orleans Riverside - Indoor Courts
5:30pm, June 7th, 2011