Wednesday, April 20, 2011

A Message from the Editor:

I would like to apologize if my last post offended anyone. It was over-the-top super cunty. I edited out the mean parts.

My Ex has been a total dick to me, so I raged against him. I poked fun of his woeful tennis game and squishiness. Why did I do it? I was treated so nicely by others (mostly strangers) this past weekend. It was nice to be appreciated . The nicer they became, the more it gnawed at me how my Ex treats me.

You may also notice that I edited out racially insensitive material. My best friend in High School was a Vietnamese guy named Tuyet Huy Tran. He changed his name to "Huey" so everyone could pronounce his name. I mistakenly thought my quarterfinals opponent did the same. I apologize if you, Wayne, were offended. I should have never made that assumption.

My online persona is immature and bratty at times. Even *** I *** can be Cuntzilla at times. I guess Jimbo passed that to me last time I was in DC, just as TJ gave me purserpes (pursing lips syndrome). I totally blame Homer for giving me gray. I should have never fubbed any of these people! They carry things. (scratch scratch) Doh!

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Monday, April 18, 2011

The Day After:


So, I played in this little gay tennis tournament. I didn't care if I won or lost. I was in it to socialize and get laid. In singles, I beat my first two opponents in 40 mph winds.

My cute double partner, Jerry, and I rolled over our first round opponents but lost a nail-biter in the second round. All of this activity was in the first day.

You non-athletic squishy bitches would have dropped dead.

On the second day, I had to play the #3 seed in singles. Wayne had 10 friends from NYC watching and cheering against me. I... had... SNIFF... nobody. They cheered and clapped every time Wayne hit a winner. They were tacky and cheered when I made unforced errors. RUDE! After leading the entire first set, I allowed Wayne to catch up and beat me 7-5,6-2 eliminating me from the tournament. Grrr...

My own family has never watched me play tennis. I tried to get my dad to watch me play this weekend. He said, "Why in the hell would I want to do that?" I told him, "Cuz... it's a gay tournament... it's gonna be fabulous!" He opted instead to fly to Charlotte to see my older brother race. :/

I had an enjoyable weekend hanging with my doubles partner Jerry and his friends (Sean the pole dancer, Wes the birthday boy, Dennis with pretty teeth, Arno the wicked backhander from Holland, fierce Puerto Rican dancer Scott, and Dwayne hot ass). You guys made me feel "special" and not the way my local friends do. I appreciate you for it. :)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

DC Scruff Commission:

SNIFF. I feel as if I have been tarred and feathered. Some damn Yankee organization called the DC Scruff Commission launched an investigation into my beard. It was a conspiracy waged against a good, kind, and humble soul.

As you can see, I DO have sprinkles of silver in my beard. So what? I will be 41 goddamn years old next month. I am supposed to have some gray hair.

Ya know, it's always someone kooky stirring up the sheeeeet. I think we southerners should launch a witch-hunt investigation against the leader of this willy nilly DC Scruff Commission. I hear he worships Stevie Nicks, a known witch, and once dressed up like a goddamn woman! Ain't that some sheeeeeet?!

Now if you don't mind, I've got a tennis tournament to worry about. The first fag that goes "Really?! Really?!" after every missed shot is gonna get their ass whooped... BY ME. Grrr..

I'll be sporting new Sue Sylvester "Super Dyke" Battle Armor. (pictured below) How menancing you look counts for 50% of your on court skills.

Monday, April 11, 2011

GAGA: New Orleans

On a whim, I plucked down megabucks on StubHub! to see Lady Gaga. I went with my events bud Chris. We have gone to LSU football, New Orleans Saints, and Hornets games together. This was our first concert.

I am mentally prepared for you gay hyenas to question my manliness. I can hear you hissssing, "Ohhh... you are sooooo butch... why would YOU go to see Lady Gaga?" Mmmhmmm. Unlike y'all, my life is not dedicated to the fantasy of being a female pop star. I like my dick. Anyways...

The opening act was Semi Precious Weapons. A good comparison with the lead singer could be made with Dead or Alive's Pete Burns. I giggled thinking how my family would react to seeing this flaaaaaaaming lead singer dress in sparkly heels and panty hose with no underwear. They would have said, "Well, ain't this some shit!" LOL.

Lady Gaga was phenomenal. She was like an aerobics instructor demanding her audience jump up and down and move our arms around. If we weren't moving them strong enough, she fussed! I admired her bossiness.

Gaga sang every song live. I appreciated hearing her talk to the audience a lot. It was nice to hear her praise "New Orleans" and "Louisiana" so many times. Yep, we are the coolest! :)

Lady Gaga did take a stand on gay rights throughout the night. She pretty much said she didn't believe the Bible was correct to condemn homosexuality. No one gasped. We all cheered.

What I like about Lady Gaga the most was the therapy she administered. She urged us to accept that we can do anything we set our minds to. That we should forget about the past and not let it hold us back.

During the concert, I finally understood Lady Gaga's song "Teeth" (Show Me Your Teeth). Apparently, it means show me what you got... show me your excellence... show me your brilliance. Now I get it!

On a related note, I was informed that Cuntzilla Jimbo goes into rages because I put tampons in backwards. WTF?! How am I supposed to know how to properly use tampons? I am merely trying to stop the gushing rage.

Jimbo
as Cuntzilla (note his TEETH):

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Cuntzilla: Before the Glamor


You may have stumbled upon a witch's prophecy foretelling of Cuntzilla's Rise. Cuntzilla was NOT transformed instantly into a beautiful and powerful woman. To suggest so is heresy!

As you'll learn in future chapters of "The Book of Brett", Cuntzilla will face an uphill battle in her silly quest to be an icky sugary pop princess. One fateful day, a fairy will wave a magic wand and chant, "No longer will you be a pig in a bar, become that who you are!"

Instantly, Jimbo the bitchy gay man becomes a gaping wide noxious pussy. Upon seeing itself, shrieks of fury queefs howl through the night. It ain't pretty!

Cuntzilla will eventually meet a powerful 200 year old Master athlete who will defy the aging process naturally. The Master will regularly pummel Cuntzilla with large super absorbent tampons. She will be taught humility, servitude, and obedience!

Cuntzilla bides her time and takes the abuse until a dark period known as "The Bloody Insurrection" takes place. This is when Cuntzilla discovers her secret powers.

Stay tuned... it's an exciting tale with bite!

Monday, April 04, 2011

The List


Have you ever got your ass chewed out publicly? I have. Just yesterday. I was having a good 'ole time at the Bourbon Pub. I met a HOT muscle daddy. I was up to my usual bar flirtation rituals: pulling on nips, feeling solid 19" arms, and lightly punching hard pecs with both fists.

The juice head gorilla reached in to kiss me. What was I to do? It would have been disrespectful to hold back and not do the manly exchange of spit. So, I obliged. Then someone got the red ass.

See, there is a significantly younger person who has been interested in me for quite some time. He was a nice play thing. I never took our friendship seriously because of the age difference and the fact that he could move away at any moment.

In recent weeks, the younger person clearly let me know they would like a relationship. I purposelessly used male defense mechanisms of: tone deafness and cluelessness.

It was with great surprise to see him out at the Pub, because I hadn't heard from him all week. Usually, I'd get texts and cute pics through out the day. This should have been a clue. (Duh!) I shrugged it off, hung out and chatted with him over Bud Lite.

When it was time to call it a night, I kissed the juice head gorilla "goodbye". The young fella offered to walk me to my vehicle. (insert Admiral Ackbar's classic it's a trap!)

Just a few feet away from the Pub, I was abruptly stopped on the sidewalk. Unleashed was a fiery asshole-ripping speech going through a laundry list of what was wrong with me. Oh my gawd. Not in front of my stomping grounds!

So, there I was. Motionless. Taking the brutal beat down. Friends walked by and smirked. Every word he seethed was completely true. Hell, I would think I was a douche too!

At this moment, I had a familiar feeling that I had witnessed this scene before. What dramatic television series was this from? Oh yeah... this was when Felicity undressed Ben from "The List" in season two:



In the future, I should convey exactly what I am looking for so there are no communication issues, hurt feelings, or dramatic scenes played out in front of the Pub.

I wonder if I should mail him an Emmy for best dramatic role in a soap opera? I'm sure the scene got GREAT ratings from Pub patrons. (BLUSH)

Friday, April 01, 2011

Bubble Boy


Blogging is a dying art form. Twitter and Facebook are slowly killing our ability to construct more than one sentence.

We remaining bloggers must stick together and take care of each other. My project has been quirky as shit TJ. He's not like us. Ever since he was a wee lad (before he became fat), he only went outdoors in a protective bubble.

I encourage all of you to work towards helping TJ. Will you please join me in saving TJ from his hermit-like existence? TOGETHER WE CAN... GET TJ A TAN!

It is Time:


Today, I face demons that have haunted me for two years. Tucked away deep into my soul was that disastrous 0-6 finish in a higher tennis league.

No matter how hard I tried, I could not pick apart foes or deflect their mind games. They were so mean to me! I suffered the humiliation of having the worst statistical record. Rivals laughed. I wanted my Mommie. :( Sniff.

I was so terrified by the experience, that I retreated down to a lower division where I have easily won with back to back 6-0 seasons. While it felt good to be TOP DAWG, my heart yearned for a bigger challenge .

So, I have decided to play in the skeery higher division once again. In order for my tennis game to grow, I must battle these players. I may have the snot beat out of me, but this time it will be okay. I hope...