RUN B*TCHES! SHE'S COMING!!!

What have I done?! The Prophecy from "The Book of Brett" has come true. Cuntzilla has risen. She's a man-eater and she ain't putting up with our shit. HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO MEN. She's coming for us all! We must cotton ball the Washington Monument before the Potomac flows a sea of red!

A Beautiful Day on the Farm:

The Book of Brett: Salvation

Do you want to improve your sorry lot in life? Do you thirst for true happiness? The Book of Brett can give you purpose and guide you to a better life!

Without further adieu...

Negative outcomes have negative consequences. If you play your heart out and still lose, you have defiled your Lord and Savior! A just punishment is an early 5:30am gym workout. Puking from that workout is an acceptable penance... and... is really the only way to receive salvation. THE MEEK SHALL NOT INHERIT THE EARTH!

This is word from the "Book of Brett". Thanks be to Brett. Amen.

Trimming Down:

YES, I realize I look like a greased up PIG in this photo. I had just gotten back from a stand up tanning bed and had some bronzer/tingle like stuff all over me.

There are five weeks to go before I make the glorious trek up north to Louisville. I am supposed to be bulking up and getting all sexified for the trip. Instead, I am actually trimming down!

I think a voracious tennis habit is thwarting my bulking up goal. Either I cutdown on tennis (GASP!) or settle for being trimmer. Something has to give.

Finding the right balance is leaving me perplexed.

HUMAN-LIKE

Weeee... I am holding a beer at 7:45am Saturday morning. A shocking and rebellious act considering it is totally against my moral code.

What was the occasion? Baton Rouge held a belated St. Patrick's Day parade at 10am that morning. I was invited to a house party with 300 (mostly gay) mischief makers near the parade route.

When I arrived at the party, I was taken aback by the loud music pumping and people already drinking! Because of a bad past experience with an Ex, I scornfully view drinkers as un-athletic squishy good-for-nothings!

Which made my predicament humorous. I thought to myself, "OK. No tennis today. You must fit in. What the heck." So, I popped open a few bottles of Bud Lite, let my hair down, and had a pretty good time! :)

There were no points to be scored. It was all about socializing with others and getting phone numbers for future dates. (which I DID) I was thoroughly enjoying the human experience!

In fact, I had so much fun at Artie's party, that I continued on the merriment that night at George's bar in Baton Rouge. I even scandalously skipped tennis AGAIN, socialized and drank some more at Sunday Tea in New Orleans.

Is it possible for life to exist outside of a tennis court? What if life is not all about winning or losing? Do I continue to be the cold terminator machine bent on crushing opponents or do I accept a world that I have previously held with such great disdain?

Hmm... lots to ponder.

The Take Down

Last night, my tennis captain warned me that I was up against tough competition in the Baton Rouge USTA league. My foe, who was African American, arrived on the court full of pride. A part of me smiled because he had no idea what he was in store for.

In warmup, I sensed my opponent thought he was going to whip my white boy ass. Appearances are deceiving. He clearly didn't know that I have only lost one singles and one doubles match in the last two months. (I play at least 4 times a week)

Every hit to his backhand was returned as a drop shot, which I easily placed in the opposite corner. When he came to the net to impose his athletic superiority, I expertly placed the ball out of reach with pin point precision. He was PISSED.

I soundly beat my foe 6-1,6-3.

In two weeks, I will be playing in FIVE tennis leagues. A bit much? Nope. I can do whatever the hell I want without any nagging or bitching. Those are the perks of being single. :)

With each passing day, I think of things Tommy has missed. He hasn't endured seeing the horrific images and videos coming out of Japan. On the flip side, he has missed beautiful Spring days here in Louisiana. That's sad, because we both endured a long harsh Winter.

Tommy's death has changed me profoundly. It's like someone with a long needle popped my balloon. Happiness for me was once measured in thrilling tennis victories. Being with friends made me happy.

Tommy died happy. He was doing exactly what he wanted to do. He no longer has to worry about growing older, paying bills, or getting to work on time. Tommy does not have to witness friends or family dying in the future. He doesn't have to worry about being stricken with cancer or some other debilitating condition.

I envy him. He got out while the getting was good. I seem to go through the motions doing things I always do... inevitably marching towards my own death. I now question things that I used to value.

Was it all worth it?

Hmm...

The Hardest Day

This is the day where I honor the life of my ex-partner Thomas Foster, Jr. I will be delivering a Eulogy for the first time in my life. I am not nervous about speaking for such a momentous occasion because I know that Tommy would have wanted me to deliver his Eulogy. He will be smiling down upon us all celebrating his life. It is going to be so rough on me today. :(

Haunting Memories

Last night, I celebrated Tommy's life with some close friends at a restaurant in Baton Rouge. It was very comforting to get that support. I am still very upset by the loss of my Ex.

I feel a lot of guilt. Because of me, Tommy quit his job and moved from Natchez, MS. He risked his career and moved further away from his 16 year old son to share a life with me.

My friend Luke smiled at the memory of how much Tommy adored me. Tommy would sit next to me and pet on me continuously. "Isn't he precious?", Tommie would ask. "Do you need anything baby"? Luke cringed and told us we made him sick. I was Tommy's pretty bird.

As I mentioned in the previous blog post, here was the inside of a card Tommy wrote to me:



I feel horrible guilt about it now, but I remember wanting to be out of the relationship because I was bored. We didn't know at the time, but Tommy had a thyroid issue that made him very tired and subject to extreme mood swings. It seemed all Tommy wanted to do was lay on the couch or sleep. I had a hunger for a more active lifestyle. So, we went our seperate ways.

Tommy moved on to another relationship rather quickly within a few weeks. I was very happy for him, because JP was a good partner for him. They made a sweet couple and were always smiling.

In the last three years, Tommy was single and seemed to revel in it. He told me that his whole outlook on life had changed. He was perfectly happy being single. It was quite the turnaround from the guy I knew.

I just wish I had picked up on the warning signs. I am not going to write about his personal business here, but Tommy's death was accidental and didn't have to happen. I am struggling with an extreme sense of guilt for not doing everything in my power to help him.

Unfortunately, life doesn't grant us Time Machines. If I could go back in time, I would and make it all better. I'm sorry I couldn't do more to help you Tommy. It pains me that such a true Southern gentleman is now gone. :(

Thomas H. Foster, Jr.

I am so terribly sad. I found out today that my Ex, Thomas H. Foster, Jr., passed away on Saturday night. Originally from Stamps, Arkansas, he was only 48 years old. Gone way too soon.

Our relationship lasted for six years. We owned a beautiful home together in Baton Rouge. Tommy always had dinner cooked on the stove. He was the most organized person I knew and kept a spotless house.

He used to buy me cards all the time. I just found one dated 12/31/98. Tommy wrote:

I care for you so very much! I hope and pray you will let me love you and care for you a long, long time. You (Brett), have all my love.

The last message I got from Tommy was at 11:19am on February 14, 2011. He texted me, "Happy Valentine's Day".

Tonight, I am holding my furry rugrats very close. Especially Pierre, my chubby Daschund, who he absolutely adored. Tommy always lovingly called Pierre "Dahla" for some reason. He liked Pierre the best because the dog loved to eat and sleep... a lot like himself!

Whenever I travelled on vacation, Tommy kept Boudreaux and Pierre. In fact, he kept them just a couple of months ago. I always felt great comfort when they were in his hands because he would give them plenty couch loving and ice cream.

I miss you so much buddy. I am shocked that you are not here anymore. I love you with all my heart. You are making me cry BIG tears tonight.

BIG HUG,

Brett

Adele is a Cunning General

The clever combatant imposes his will on the enemy, but does not allow the enemy's will to be imposed on him.
- Sun Tzu

The War Machine was running smoothly until I made a tragic misstep in listening to Adele's "Someone Like You". It was like a torpedo penetrating and ripping out my tough exterior ... exposing my beating heart.

YES, I do have a heart. I often pretend it doesn't exist. The truth is that it has been locked away and imprisoned under house arrest. You can't wage war with something so WEAK.

The beauty of Adele's voice grinds me to a halt. I am reminded that I am not a terminator hellbent on destroying mankind. I'm a mamby pamby human with frail weaknesses called "emotions".

Adele, you are a bitch cunt from hell!