Ahem...

This is a TRUE story. I was gushing over my future scruffilicious husbear with a friend today. He was genuinely happy for us. Without warning, he asks... "Have you two drawn up a prenup yet?"

Umm... nooooo. Do we need one?

My bud advised that a little pre-marriage planning now would prevent a MESS when the divorce inevitably happens. Considering Jimbo's track record and penchant for exploding into bitchy rages (why Jimbo?), I thought it would be prudent.

Without further ado...

1. Money: What yours is yours... mine is mine. We split living expenses, but don't share checking accounts or credit cards. I ain't supporting your Jem and the Holograms fan girl addiction or every time a female pop star comes into town. You can indulge in the fantasy of being a glamorous fem pop star on your own dime.

2. What Constitutes Cheating: Looking at online porn ain't cheating. Masterbating to online porn is cheating only if you don't approach me FIRST about getting your urges met. NO WHORE... you are not permitted to maintain Manhunt, Grindr, Scruff, Squirt, Bear411, Daddyhunt or any other pervy sites. I don't give a goddamn if you want to maintain contact with acquaintances... you ain't parading yourself on those sites under the guise of "just looking for friends" or "for chat only".

3. My Enemies are Yours (not to be confused with enemas): If I can't stand a person, then you can't stand that person either. Your loyalty is very important to me. That means no hugging or smooching on ANYONE I can't stand and vice versa.

4. Sex: Did you think I married you for companionship or witty banter? HELLZ NO. I expect lots of it and in every position. Basically, you are my Heaux and I will treat you as such. You must shower regularly and always be prepared.

5. Children: NO! If you have maternal instincts, then consider your relationship with me as raising a small child.

6. Pets: Dogs are fine. No cats. Also, my Dachshunds Boudreaux and Pierre will be permitted to sleep with us every night. Typically, they like to sleep between us... but they can be moved during spooning or makeout sessions.

7. Mama & Family: Don't ever embarrass me in front of family. That means no telling any hilarious stories that will forever be held over my head or paint me in any negative light. Also, no queening out or nelly hand gestures in their presence.

8. Bar Etiquette: I may want to place an arm around you or my middle finger snuggly in your asscrack. PDA is perfectly okay especially if we bump into Ex's. If a stranger gropes, kisses, tongues, pulls on nips, or rubs our furry chests, it's not a screech worthy dramatic event. Don't embarrass me with a "EEK! GIT YER HANDS OFF MY MAN!" Politely introduce yourself as my boyfriend without breaking their hand in a menacing iron grip.

9. Squish: A little squish is okay, but I expect you to regularly maintain your sexiness by exercising and putting gym time in. Working out with your partner would score you MEGA bonus points.

10. Food: I admit to having limited cooking skills. What can I say? I have been spoiled by Mama and two Ex's who liked to cook. I can basically make breakfast, sandwiches, spaghetti, tacos, taco salad, pizza, roasts, or grilled chicken with sauteed spinach. If you want anything fancier or healthier... you'll either have to cook, we eat out, or we eat at Mamas.