"It's alright to say you want it
Get inside my dirty mind
Burns like ice the way I bring it
Again and again and again all night"
Britney Spears, Up n'Down
The moment of clarity I mentioned in the previous blog post has had a profound impact on me. I began questioning everything from my relationship with others to how I conduct my life. What if it is not THEM that are crazy? What if it is ME? Do I live in my own Bizzaro World?
It is a daunting task to untangle from a carefully woven web we have spent decades spinning to protect ourselves. Layer upon layer spun to catch intruders. The thicker and stickier... the better to shield ourselves from certain truths and realities.
I am often asked the most cringe worthy of questions -- "Why are you single? What is wrong with you?" Nothing pisses me off more than those two. In fact, not only do I take great umbrage... my serpent tongue splits in two as I defiantly cut down the perpetrator who dare ask!
An earful of fiery rhetoric in my best Julia Sugarbaker tone on WHY I am not settling follows. The poor bastard receives a LAUNDRY LIST of conditions that must be met before cohabitation. In the end, they are usually left in an exhausted heap wishing they had never asked. My intention exactly.
Do you remember when Maryann the Maenad was puzzled by Sookie in True Blood? She carefully studies Sookie and with a look of amazement asks -- "What are you?!" This is exactly the reaction I get from others.
I am a person who has been hurt and disappointed many times. What you see before you is someone who has carefully built up defenses. I have created my own world which often keeps me too busy to pine for or stew over others. In a way, I have unconsciously built a perfect world bereft of human frailties such as emotions or feelings.
Is it right? No. As I am being courted by others, I must knock down the bulked up defenses if I am ever to find true love. This is where my mind is. Full of contemplation.
On a side note -- do you know that one of my favorite poems is by William Wordsmith? For me, "Tintern Abbey" invokes great thought on reflection, contemplation, and spiritual awakening. Check it out.