"Oh..."
"It's alright to say you want it
Get inside my dirty mind
Burns like ice the way I bring it
Again and again and again all night"
Britney Spears, Up n'Down
The moment of clarity I mentioned in the previous blog post has had a profound impact on me. I began questioning everything from my relationship with others to how I conduct my life. What if it is not THEM that are crazy? What if it is ME? Do I live in my own Bizzaro World?
It is a daunting task to untangle from a carefully woven web we have spent decades spinning to protect ourselves. Layer upon layer spun to catch intruders. The thicker and stickier... the better to shield ourselves from certain truths and realities.
I am often asked the most cringe worthy of questions -- "Why are you single? What is wrong with you?" Nothing pisses me off more than those two. In fact, not only do I take great umbrage... my serpent tongue splits in two as I defiantly cut down the perpetrator who dare ask!
An earful of fiery rhetoric in my best Julia Sugarbaker tone on WHY I am not settling follows. The poor bastard receives a LAUNDRY LIST of conditions that must be met before cohabitation. In the end, they are usually left in an exhausted heap wishing they had never asked. My intention exactly.
Do you remember when Maryann the Maenad was puzzled by Sookie in True Blood? She carefully studies Sookie and with a look of amazement asks -- "What are you?!" This is exactly the reaction I get from others.
I am a person who has been hurt and disappointed many times. What you see before you is someone who has carefully built up defenses. I have created my own world which often keeps me too busy to pine for or stew over others. In a way, I have unconsciously built a perfect world bereft of human frailties such as emotions or feelings.
Is it right? No. As I am being courted by others, I must knock down the bulked up defenses if I am ever to find true love. This is where my mind is. Full of contemplation.
On a side note -- do you know that one of my favorite poems is by William Wordsmith? For me, "Tintern Abbey" invokes great thought on reflection, contemplation, and spiritual awakening. Check it out.
posted by Brettcajun at Wednesday, October 05, 2011
15 Comments:
Brett, your comments today reminded me of things Richard Bach said in his book The Bridge Across Forever. It's old and gets very New Agey, especially toward the end, but chronicles the author's journey to that same self-realization and beyond it. I highly recommend it.
How about some therapy Brett? Couldn't hurt, unless of course you might think that would make you emotionally "squishy"?
Word verification: Imyseri. LOLOLOL
I really don't mean for this to sound harsh, but I think your self-analysis may be somewhere between seriously misguided and 180 degrees off.
RG has a point. If you really want to examine yourself and you have no experience doing so, seek out a professional who can provide an unbiased perspective. What have you got to lose? It's not like you were planning to run for office.
So what have you been doing for the last four weeks?
In the last four weeks, my cold regimented world has been turned upside down. I created a perfect lifestyle where I didn't need a man. Let's just say, the Universe has a great sense of humor. Those carefully built up defenses have crumbled and I am re-evaluating EVERYTHING!
@Brettcajun: So in other words, you finally bought that Fleshlight didn't you?
Nope. I will NEVER use anything artificial like that. Ewww.... Let's just say that I have been presented with a GREAT opportunity. These are interesting times. :)
I don't know what you mean by "great opportunity" but if you mean you've met someone, great. However, if you haven't resolved the underlying problem - the need to validate your self-worth by seeking the approval of others - then I am not optimistic over the long haul. I agree with RG - therapy would do you some good.
You lost me at 'True Blood'. I must be the only homo who doesn't give one shit - let alone two - about that show.
The people who think there is an issue in being single are the insecure ones. Don't worry about them, they do enough worrying for everyone.
@Brett: Then I guess the dildo I have named "The Brett" won't garner any thanks for the flattery then? LOL
I'm with Blobby.
This post makes me want to punch you in your boobs.
Two words: Suzanne. Sugarbaker.
Tintern is one of my favorite poems too! I don't know too many people who know about it, let along enjoy it.
The three core defenses against unbearable shame are narcissism, contempt, and blaming. All gay men, whether they are aware of it or not, have some degree of internal shame. It's impossible to grow up gay in this culture and not feel shame on some level. Add, growing up in the south and having a very disapproving father figure to the mix and you've got a classic case of toxic shame that, if not dealt with, will rob you of any peace and true happiness in life. The irony of shame is that we are ashamed to admit that we are ashamed, so we keep it from ourselves.
Find a good therapist that you can be completely honest with and deal with the shame.
I was in a major crisis ten years ago that forced me to deal with my issues. I saw a great therapist for a year and went through an incredible ten day workshop on a ranch in Arizona, called the STAR workshop. It's a very intense and emotional program that focuses on your childhood and whatever your particular issues in that area are. It healed major wounds that I have. I still have my issues, but they don't run my life, and I can honestly say, I rarely feel shame on any level.
I also had a father that was ashamed of me. He was the main source of my angst. I healed before his death but I feel that when he died, I reached a whole other level of peace and contentment. You will probably find the same when your father passes. As bad as that sounds, it's the truth.
You may find this link helpful. It's from a blog written by a therapist that specializes in shame/narcissism.
http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/defenses-against-shame/
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