Epiphany:
If we give pause to our hectic lives, we may gain valuable insight about ourselves. Sure, hints are thrown our way. The whole picture is not always clear, until suddenly it hits you. These are powerful moments.Recently, I met a guy. On the surface, he met ALL of my criteria. Kevin M. would call my preferences "superficial", but I know what I like. He's my height, a few years older, sports a muscular build, loves dogs, masculine, sexually compatible with nice parts, football crazy, loves his family, has a job, college educated, loves cooking (BONUS), non-smoker, drinks very little (DOUBLE BONUS), not pretentious, and is receptive to learning the sport of tennis (TRIPLE BONUS).
After a respectable movie and dinner date, we make out on the couch. We did not "SEAL THE DEAL", but I was okay with that. The next day, we introduced our dogs to each other. They got along wonderfully. He announces -- "Well, now that our dogs get along fine... the Daddies can date!"
The only problem was that Southern Decadence was looming. I had made plans to spend the sluttiest weekend of the year in New Orleans. I couldn't cancel, because I had friends coming in from all over the country. We agree to spend two of the days together
When he arrived at my hotel, I knew I had crossed into a creepy vulnerable state of mind. Standing in front of me was a truly beautiful man. My heart went pitter patter. Where I was in control prior, I wasn't in control now. DAMN!
As we walked through the French Quarter, I beamed. Next to me was a fine looking man. Periodically, I'd give him neck massages or affectionate hugs. I was in bliss as I gleefully introduced him to friends.
He stated -- "Gawd... you know a lot of people! Everyone and their grandmother loves you." I nodded, "Yeah, I have a lot of friends". I didn't pay much attention to that portentous exchange, but it would hold a key to what would later transpire.
The evening turned into nightfall. We were dancing shirtless at Oz. I hadn't gone dancing in ages, so I was having a ball. A couple strange things happened: a girl pinched my nipple and held on for an uncomfortably long time and a total stranger lustily felt up my sweaty hairy chest and pecs. I am used to this sort of behavior, so I just smiled and continued on as if nothing had happened.
After gyrating on the stage for two hours, my date announces that he had had enough and was ready to leave. It was only midnight. I could have danced for another hour, but willingly agreed to call it a night. Besides, I looked forward to spending one-on-one time with his hunky self.
On the walk back, I got an eerie feeling that something was troubling my date. I asked if he was okay. He replied, "Everyone was hemming and hawing over you in there." I could see the EXACT same resentment on his face that my Ex used to give me.
What do I say or do? Naturally, I put my arm around him and gave him a big kiss. "It doesn't matter... I'm with you." We quietly walk back to the hotel in drizzling darkness.
We shower and climb into bed together... naked. His skin feels sooo good. I turn him on his side to spoon. I cup his pecs and rest my lips on his neck. As soon as I kiss his soft ears and neck, he abruptly announces he wants to sleep. I pout inwardly, but say "Okay".
The next morning, I awake with a serious case of morning wood. Once again, I am denied. I was dumbfounded. This is exactly what happened countless times with the Ex! I stare off into blankness. Why is he denying me? It was at this precise moment that I was hit with a thunder bolt of clarity.
Oh.
posted by Brettcajun at Monday, September 12, 2011
24 Comments:
OH? You seen to have forgotten a few letters... Namely W, R, and E.
what is it
what is OH
First, I hope I don't sound gleeful - I'm not. I really do want you to be happy. (We've talked before that you need to learn how to be happy - really happy, not just non-depressed - ALONE before you can be happy with someone else, but that's a side point.)
But this is *exactly* why I said your choices were superficial. Whether or not he's football crazy doesn't matter as long as he doesn't mind if YOU are. Whether or not he loves tennis is irrelevant as long as he says "Have a great game!" when you go out to play and is willing to be supportive at bigger events like tournaments.
The other "superficial" qualities you extolled previously, but left out here, included "good job" - as though a guy who worked ten times as hard as you do but at something like waiting tables is beneath you. Snob.
In the process of focusing on all that pablum, you overlooked a key area of compatibility - will he be happy with me being the kind of guy I like to be? If you want to dance shirtless at Oz till all hours on a Saturday night as though you were still 25... or 30... or 35... or.... well, you get my point - then you have to find a guy who's not bothered by you doing that. If you want to get felt up by strangers in public, then you have to find someone who's not going to object when that happens.
In other words, it all comes down to finding someone who accepts you for who you are, not for who he thinks you are, or who he wants you to be. (That's something to think about with your family - is it worth sitting through interminable crappy hours of games you hate and snide comments from your father, just to participate in family gatherings? Or might it be more meaningful to find those people who accept you for who you are and choose to spend special days with them instead?
Once upon a time I too met the mythical, 'Mr. Wonderful'. After attending a street fair and he getting the same type of attention from an endless stream of people and my being introduced to his 'friends' [DOH!] we went back to his place to 'seal the deal'.
We started getting the passion on when from under the couch he pulls out what looked like a 'two-liter of lube'. A TWO-LITER?? Seriously??
Who the hell needs a two-liter of lu... Ooohhhh....
It simply wasn't what I was looking for.
I ran into Mr. Wonderful last month when I was in his town.
Some things just were not meant to be.
Oh: Used to express a range of emotions including surprise, anger, disappointment, or joy, or when reacting to something that has just been said.
You need to make time for Brett. Maybe it's time to be alone figure out what Brett wants.
You made the evening and weekend about you,not the two of you!
I may have interpreted your entire post incorrectly, and if I have, please allow me to apologize beforehand. Since I don't know you, I really don't have an opinion on whether you're superficial or not. I know that I have been "ACCUSED" of being superficial; but in my opinion, I'm not being superficial at all...I just know what I like and what I don't like. As for the "dream guy" you referred to in your post, it would appear to me that he seems to have issues with his own self-esteem and can't handle the fact that there is someone else out there is equally as hot - if not more so - than he is...but that's just my observation. Hope I'm not out of line with the comments.
I really feel for you, Brett. In this extremely well-articulated account so many of us recognise things that we've experienced, though obviously you've been hit by it full-in-the-face, and so recently that you've not had time to settle. Your emotions as at now, whatever they are, must still feel raw. I really do wish you well in whatever transpires. You deserve it, you handsome hunk.
You found out he's from Ohio?
Ok, my turn....guess I should start with "been there, done that". This one guy I thought the world of, even put up with his escapades and being arrested over them, I was blind and dumb but I thought I could over look those failures. We did the Southern Decadence weekend after a rocky few days leading into the weekend and I just knew it would be stressful. We or I should have stayed home. A mutual friend saw me standing outside LaFitte's asking where was my man, I replied "he's in there". I was told to let him get it out of his system.....I should have stayed home.
It's always hard to step into something you really want when you have something like a weekend in New Orleans looming. No one can really say how either would have reacted. Maybe not going together would have been easier, who knows?
I wouldn't call you superficial, maybe outgoing to various limits. I think you're just someone who loves having fun, like me! BUT...yes, but, some other people might see your idea of having fun as being something else. I suspect that if given time to get to know someone else in a much more casual environment you might have a different blog posting right now.
I'm not going to offer you any advice, I suck at it. Be you....I love the 'you' you are even if I've only spent an hour around you in San Fran.
Hang in there....you're fantastic!
How can you write about this drivel when the most outstanding men's tennis final in 30 years is playing!
I have to agree with Kevin M on almost every point. Gay men make the huge mistake of believing because all of the elements that we are like are present, then it must be a good fit. Good looking, good job, nice dog....well, damn...he must the the one I have been waiting for.
But, great relationships and true love are based on acceptance and mutual respect. We may not always agree with the ones we love, but we can certainly respect them, support them, and give me them acceptance to be who and what they are.
You seem to enjoy the fun of "being known". Of having people know you and like you. To appreciate and admire your physical qualities. Your hairy chest and your nipples, in this particular situation. Then you need to be open and honest about that. You need allow any prospective romantic interests know what you are about.
I think you need to stop searching. As they say in movie type, "Do you!" Live your life. Someone is bound to see something they like and take interest. And, if they do...then give it a shot. In the mean time, focus on being the person you want to be. And as Kevin M says, "Be happy...non just non-depressed."
As long as he can accept the fact that your lips will be pursed in every single photo of the two of you together than things should work out fine. If he has a problem with lip pursing then I'm afraid it won't work out.
And did you tell him yet about your collection of all 7 seasons of Designing Women on DVD?
Brett just re-read your post after reading the comments - and I don't see anything that you did wrong.
And, no I don't think your list of preferences is in the least superficial. What's wrong with looking for common interests and points of compatibility?
Damn I would think this guy would be turned on to be seen with another guy that others thought was hot and likeable. And you even left at midnight because he wanted to - that's cool on your part.
But honestly this guy goes home with you and does not put out at all! That's bullshit on his part.
Don't beat yourself up over this one - that guys a head case in a nice body I'd say.
Seems to me he missed out on a good fuck. Oh well, his loss.
BTW, I would have found you getting pawed over quite funny. But then again, I'm a slut too, so there's that.
Jockluvr - there is nothing wrong with looking for compatibility. In fact, it's essential.
But what is compatibility? Obviously, in this case, despite meeting all Brett's stated "MUSTS" - MUST be this, MUST be that - somehow one or both of them clearly didn't understand each other's core nature. To know Brett, even slightly, is to know that he's an attention whore and even when he's on a date with one guy, he's always looking around to see who else is noticing him. If you aren't comfortable seeing that - if you aren't comfortable knowing that's going on when you're not present, even - then Brett is not the man for you.
Compare that to, say, football. All it takes for real compatibility there is for one's partner to not object to one's spending time watching it. Brett has lots of friends who like football, so it's not as though he NEEDS someone who's actively interested in order to indulge his interests. But he ranks that high on his list of "MUSTS" while ignoring major behavioral compatibility issues.
That is why I call it superficial.
Thank goodness you found out now, that he's not Mr. Right.. or even Right-now. Move on.. plenty of guys out there, you'll find THE one.
Hmmm... well, my friend... I think that if you really like this guy, then you need to have a talk with him. As crazy as your expectations are of the perfect guy, this guy seems to have all of the things you're looking for.
And if you knew that he wasn't a wild and crazy guy, then I don't know what you expected to happen when you invited him to the craziest weekend in the country.
For a stable romantic guy, there's only so much craziness that a guy can handle, and I'm surprised that he went along with it for as long as he did.
In the end, you have to really decide whether this guy is worth dropping the crazy partying for. You have to think.... "Is it better for me to spend my life with a handsome guy who likes all the things that I like.. or would I rather stay single and be slutty in New Orleans?"
But make sure you discuss all of this with him first before you make a decision that might throw him to the curb.
I kinda know what that's like.. so be gentle.
I find it somehow reassuring that when you appear to be on the verge of learning something, at least half of your commenters will pull you back from the edge of self-discovery with a truly inspiring combination of flattery and inanity. It's like you have your own insurance policy against depth.
Even if you learn the lesson for all the wrong reasons, at least you appear to have learned that Southern Decadence is not the ideal setting for a date.
What do you expect? Act like a slut and wish for a serious relationship?
I agree with Ted. You're best moments of discovery are going to come from within - not comments on this blog.
Someday, I think you may be faced with making a choice... all the fans or just one. It will take a very special, strong, secure and stable person to handle the reality that is Brett Cajun and the fact that you've shared yourself on this blog with countless, faceless strangers.
Best of luck. I hope you get what you want... just be clear about what that is.
I guess that's good that you found this out early on, but at the same time it sucks since you seem to really like this guy.
It's been weeks since the incident so I'm not really sure what came out of it. But hope you two had a talk about it at least.
Went through the same thing before with a guy I met, though I was in the same shoes as your date. Granted I didn't go THAT far and not put out, it stayed in the back of my head that I chose not to pursue anything with him. I wasn't gonna ask him to change for me, but at the same time, I wasn't sure how I'd deal with people heehawing him left and right. So with that, it was my esteem issues getting in the way, and not the other guy's "popularity" or whatever you'd wanna call it.
Your date seems like a good catch but if you get a glimpse of what the future might be like, you can now decide if it's something you'd want to go through or not.
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