Monday, July 18, 2011

Haunting Dreams:


I do not like dreaming. Mine always seem to be either dreams of frustration or ones that upset me. A typical dream is like a parental unit torturing me with scoldings... guilt. WHO IS IN MY HEAD? Is there a higher power working to influence my choices and behavior? It creeps me out and I wonder if Sylvia Browne was perhaps right about an afterlife.

I blogged recently about not remembering the last time I dreamed. The Universe has apparently decided that it was unacceptable because I have since dreamed three times in the last five days. Each dream was about my ex, Tommy, who died accidentally four months ago.

Images of Tommy play in my mind. He kept an impeccably clean house. His vehicles were always clean and smelled fresh as if he had just drove them off the car lot. Every piece of clothing was neatly hung up with a perfect inch of spacing between them. On top of his extreme organization, order, and cleanliness, Tommy was a very well mannered and liked individual.

In my dreams, I feel the distinct guilt that Tommy should have never passed away. I should be the one gone. I keep a messy house with clothes stacked everywhere. My SUV typically smells like a locker room with sweaty towels, tennis balls, and used shoes carelessly tossed around.

I wake up from these dreams feeling extreme sadness and guilt. For someone that had so many disadvantages growing up poor in rural Arkansas, Tommy overcame them. He was so proud of his bright son, Matthew, who was actually living with Tommy as he attended LSU. To think that someone from such humble beginnings had conquered setback after setback to have a great career leaves me with a proud lasting memory.

It still saddens me that Tommy didn't have a very well attended funeral. He had friends, but he never made them quite the priority some of us do. I know why friends are important to me, but lately I have been questioning my own priorities and choices in life. In a nutshell, I would like to no longer feel guilty that Tommy is gone while I am still here. :/

4 Comments:

Anonymous RawForReal said...

I'm Catholic, superstitious, and if the nuns were correct, I'm headed straight for hell. My Grandmother always said that when you dream of a dead person, it's because that person needs your prayers. I'm just sayin' ...

July 18, 2011  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What does he say?
You can deny it all you want, but you're as Catholic as the day us long. Go to church and pray for the man. You'll be surprised at what happens in your dream after that.

July 18, 2011  
Blogger Brent said...

Brett, I wish I had words to sooth you. Reading this has made me think about my own position of making friend... I simply don't seem to. I know I should, and maybe I will make more of an effort.

July 18, 2011  
Blogger Ur-spo said...

Sometimes dreams are just the mind sorting through the garbage. Other times, dreams keep coming back because the psyche is telling you to 'get this point'
and sometimes, dreams are a wound that keep opening up. and it is a bitch to try to figure out which one is which!

July 18, 2011  

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