I do not like dreaming. Mine always seem to be either dreams of frustration or ones that upset me. A typical dream is like a parental unit torturing me with scoldings... guilt. WHO IS IN MY HEAD? Is there a higher power working to influence my choices and behavior? It creeps me out and I wonder if Sylvia Browne was perhaps right about an afterlife.
I blogged recently about not remembering the last time I dreamed. The Universe has apparently decided that it was unacceptable because I have since dreamed three times in the last five days. Each dream was about my ex, Tommy, who died accidentally four months ago.
Images of Tommy play in my mind. He kept an impeccably clean house. His vehicles were always clean and smelled fresh as if he had just drove them off the car lot. Every piece of clothing was neatly hung up with a perfect inch of spacing between them. On top of his extreme organization, order, and cleanliness, Tommy was a very well mannered and liked individual.
In my dreams, I feel the distinct guilt that Tommy should have never passed away. I should be the one gone. I keep a messy house with clothes stacked everywhere. My SUV typically smells like a locker room with sweaty towels, tennis balls, and used shoes carelessly tossed around.
I wake up from these dreams feeling extreme sadness and guilt. For someone that had so many disadvantages growing up poor in rural Arkansas, Tommy overcame them. He was so proud of his bright son, Matthew, who was actually living with Tommy as he attended LSU. To think that someone from such humble beginnings had conquered setback after setback to have a great career leaves me with a proud lasting memory.
It still saddens me that Tommy didn't have a very well attended funeral. He had friends, but he never made them quite the priority some of us do. I know why friends are important to me, but lately I have been questioning my own priorities and choices in life. In a nutshell, I would like to no longer feel guilty that Tommy is gone while I am still here. :/