Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I HATE Eyebrow Pluckers

Anyone that knows me can vouch that I get along with just about everybody. However, I have a ZERO TOLERENCE for bullies, moochers, or eyebrow plucking queens.

This particuliar Grindr QUEEN (pictured above) was pissed that I ignored her messages. She hissed, "Damn dude R U that much of a stuck up bitch?"

I thought... WTF?! Nothing pisses me off more than some nellie queen trying to cop an attitude with me. I should have ignored the message, but I AM a hotblooded Cajun.

"Beze" then messages me something full of grammatical errors: "Your just stuck up becouse u think your so hot an that ego a look is all u have an no personality to go with it look fade personality don't." Plucked-Eyebrownics?

My internal temperature gauge began to boil to RAGIN CAJUN. I wrote back, "Do you do Drag? If you want to attract someone 'manly', perhaps you should reconsider plucking your eyebrows".

The bitch-cunt-from-hell then asks if I strip and says I look fake enough to do porn! OH, BITCH... THE GLOVES ARE OFF!!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Tennis Player

I eat like a PIG. Hell, I haven't worked out in a gym in over two weeks. So, how does this 40 year old stay in shape? I play tennis! (typically four times a week)

If you have pesky love handles or belly fat, why not take up a sport like tennis? At the spur of the moment, you must run/stop/swing/run your ass off for the next ball. Your match can be as short as one hour or it can stretch to three hours. Tennis keeps your muscles completely stressed and off balance at all times.

It is the perfect exercise to staying fit, being healthy, and having fun. TRY IT! Tennis does the body good.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Good Morning Baltimore

I have never been to Baltimore, but I will be flying there tomorrow. I have absolutely no clue what to expect. Is Baltimore even beautiful? My only point of reference is the movie "Hairspray".

Is Baltimore festering with racial tension and frumpy big haired girls? Will Maryland Terp fans beat me up for all the times I have poked fun of their underachieving football program? (I fondly refer to them as the "Maryland Twerps!")

This trip will be interesting on so many levels. Not only do I have to dress up all fancy, but I must share a room with a straight co-worker (awkward!). We have never talked about the fact that I am a "Heauxmeaux", but I am sure my Dad has already blabbed it to him.

My co-workers have been snickering about it all week. Whatev. Can we please all act like adults? I will have my own bed. Ain't nobody gonna be jumping in the other's bed. LOL.

If I get an itch, I can always cab it to the Eagle. $1 draft beer tomorrow night! Let's all pray I don't come down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs. Ahem.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Miss Dee Urban Rosebud WINS!

Congratulations to Miss Dee Urban Rosebud for being your 2010 Miss Power Bottom USA Queen. YAY! Garnering 36.73 percent of the vote, DC's own Miss Dee has beat out that bitch rival, Charlene Hilton, to win the prestigious award. I couldn't be happier... considering... EVIL GRIN. :)

In the event that Miss Dee can't fulfill her power bottoming obligations, Runner Up Man Gina Vagina will gladly assume the position. So to speak...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Beauty Contest

In honor of the upcoming Power Bottom Appreciation Day holiday, I thought it would be a good time to go ahead and name some lucky individual "Miss Power Bottom USA".

The contestants:

Melon E. Head:
Insatiable. Competes with Casper the ghost in the lightest skin category. Spends most of her free time tirelessly exercising.

Man Gina Vagina:
Demure. Slutty senior citizen. Spends a lot of time playing with Trom's bone.

Charlene Hilton:
Trampy socialite who is known for high hair and one bitchy attitude. Don't piss her off... or else!

Home Err Squeal:
Down to earth Michigan gal, has a kitty named "Puff", and strongly dislikes Republicans.

Dee Urban Rosebud:
Famous cat blogger, obsessed with buttsex, and has probably sampled well over 1,000 brands of poppers.

Please VOTE NOW:

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Texas Open 2010

I am back from Dallas without a trophy. I hit manly and bullied the opposition in the first round (winning both singles and doubles matches). Unfortunately, I was cruelly eliminated in the second round.

Elimination didn't induce pouting. The side benefit to an early tournament exit was all the socializing I got to do. I had fun hanging with tennis buds Rodney and Justin upstairs at JR's. I also got to meet Jay K. from FB, Jim from the blogworld, and Kody from Scruff. All great guys! :)

The tricky part about playing in a tennis tournament with a non-tennis playing boyfriend is finding the right balance. You want to win, socialize with others, and give your BF enough attention. Sometimes it is a tricky act when you've played three to four tennis matches in one day. I think I balanced things well on this trip.

Tim and I did have our very first argument. Since we can chuckle about it now, I am choosing to share it here on the blog:

Tim is an aggressive driver trapped in an abusive relationship with his female voiced GPS.They fight like cats and dogs. She gets fed up with him screwing up her directions, so he gets the silent treatment later when he must make quick turn decisions.

While we were in downtown Dallas, Tim could not get a signal. Frustrated, he began logically banging his GPS against the console. "Yeaaaahhh... she's gonna really talk to you now", I sighed. "We've been here every day... don't you know the way back by now?" It was at this precise moment I was given THE LOOK.

I have seen THE LOOK a hundred times before with the Ex and Whipping Boy. What is the Look? Life flashes before your eyes. You are either about to get strangled or wear a tennis racket around your neck. Either way, RUN bitch RUN!

As I eyeballed the door latch on Tim's SUV, he testily asked... "Do YOU know how to get back?" I threw my hands up, "How in the hell am I supposed know? You're the one driving!"

With clinched teeth, Tim growled, "That's right Princess. While I was driving... you were playing with your precious iPhone!" Gulp. Needless to say, we didn't speak for 10 mins after.

All is good now. LOL.

Tim and I at the tennis banquet:
I enjoyed pinching the nips of my hunky doubles partner Troy:

Me looking for Club Dallas:

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

A Whole Lotta Crazy in There:

On the Eve of battle, all preparations have been made. Weapons sharpened. There will be no pity for those left in the path of what's rightfully mine: a Championship Trophy. I own five Finalist trophies. That means I have played (and humiliatingly lost) in five championship matches. I am the goddamn Susan Lucci of the GLTA world!!! Grrr...

To say that I am a tad obsessed in months prior to a tournament would be an understatement. 100% of my focus is on this tournament. I haven't had sex (or wanted it) since Labor Day weekend. Hell, I haven't been in a bar since that time either. Sex and beer equal unnecessary roadblocks.

Does gearing up for a tennis tournament warp my mental state? You betcha! I become like Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom. I initiate PSYOPS to mess with court rivals. Whether it be by text message or email, my rivals know I am coming. I will not rest until I have their wiggly hearts on a fireplace poker.

It is a challenge to stay focused on fitness goals. Just last night, my Mom invited me over to eat Chili. I must have looked thin, because the first question she asked was --"How many days in a row have you played tennis?" My answer: "five". She expressed concern. "We have lots of Chili... fix you a big bowl". The sirens in my head immediately began to sound. Et tu Mommy?

"Why don't you have a Sunkist soda with that?", she suggested. I locked onto her with a steely gaze. Is she plotting to fatten me up on the eve of the Texas Open?! "I'll have a diet coke." I successfully blocked Mom's feeble attempt at sabotaging my well armed battle station.

Mom didn't let up. "Baby, why don't you take home some Chili to eat for lunch and dinner?" I scowled. "I have a tennis match tomorrow... lessons the next day... I won't have time to eat." She frowned. I smirked. Another victory for me.

Yeah. It's crazy town in my head right now. What will Tim, the new Boyfriend, think of all this? I dunno. Let's see if I can hide some of the super competitive. I would hate to scare him away. LOL. Stay tuned...

I'll be in Dallas on Thursday!