Nine Days

The days on a calendar go painstakingly slow. It's been four weeks since I have last seen him. The yearning for intimacy has never been stronger. From the touch of his skin... the sweet kisses... to the gentleness of his heart.... my chest tightens thinking of our pending reunion.

When I am with him, time stands still and the world stops spinning. There are no worries, outside distractions, or any matters that need tending to. He's my drug. I'm happily, helplessly, and hopelessly in love.

Nine more days cannot come soon enough.

E is for Enigma

The following text message was sent to me last night:

"I don't know how you do it. You compartmentalize everything into absolutes. Everything is one way or another. Such as black or white, off or on, for or against. Hard to figure where someone stands with you and your matrix you use to judge people."

My response? I use a loyalty system. If I am going to be loyal to you, I expect the same in return. That's not to say I make people walk on eggshells. On the contrary! I am patient with others often at the expense of my own dignity.

When I have had enough of someone's shit, I do have a tendency to turn off my loyalty. Is this cold-hearted? No. You get many chances. I'll even guide you along the right path.

For those de-friended, don't fret. I am a forgiving person. When loyalty and respect is once again earned, friendship will be re-established. The only good thing the Catholic Church ever taught me was forgiveness. I practice it.

One more thing. I am 40 years old. I have reached the age of entitlement. I am entitled to not put up with anyone's bullshit. If you dish attitude or disrepect me, you will be paid back in kind. (prolly x 3) I am entitled to respect. NO ONE is going to walk all over me.

Does this make me an ornery old bitch? Nope. I'm an entitled bitch.

Conquered

I reached a low point a couple months ago. Things weren't going right for me. Instead of getting along with friends, I seemed to be feuding with many of them. My Ex even slammed me up against a wall after I expressed great concern for his welfare and safety.

It was at this point I stopped caring about others. I remember thinking, "TO HELL WITH THEM ALL!" A part of me wept that night in a moment of rare weakness. I distinctly remember longing for a partner -- someone who would be my knight and shining armor. It was strange because I have gone for almost two years thinking, "I don't need a man. They are just misery!"

Well, undoubtedly the Universe must have been listening. I met someone special. He makes my heart go pitter patter. He's warm-hearted, masculine, good in bed, sensitive, and sweet. He even shares my small town values and a love for his family. There is no hint of pretentiousness, which is a major turn off in my book.

I'm in love. I can't help it. He's in my thoughts and consciousness every hour of every day. Do you know the greatest part? He feels the same. :)

Undie Monday

I am appearing in two photographs today on Sean Breen's wonderful blog Idle Eyes and a Dormy. I am sorry for throwing red meat at the haters, but I could not sit idle while rival bloggers parade around in their undies. I may be 40 goddammit, but I can still work it!

If you love freedom of expression and attention whorism, then I encourage you to nudge Durban Bud to appear in his Undies next week. Come on Durban Bud. Take it off! Wiggle that ghetto booty and show us what you got.

PS: Yes... I realize I am blinding white in these photos. These photos were taken over a month ago. I have a little more color to me now.

Battlefields and Tiaras

The following admission may or may not surprise you. Through environmental factors and the way I was nurtured, I am a competitive individual. Competition excites me to the point of intoxication. I am hard wired for the good fight! But at what cost?

Friends enjoy pushing my buttons because they are guaranteed to get a reaction. The flashing red siren goes off in my head. "To the battle stations! Line up the infantry. We march to the enemy's border NOW!"

My brain lights up surveying the various battlefields. I plot and scheme. PSYOPS is immediately employed. You bet your ass I am going to throw back punches. IT'S WAR MOTHERFUCKER!

Eventually everything spills over to the point where friendships are harmed. Lord knows I am apt to reach for the jugular. My favorite line: "That's your ass. I'm taking the nuclear option!" Sadly, I do.

If I were rational human, challenges would either be ignored or quickly diffused. It's so difficult for me to get out of this battle mindset. In hindsight, I really need to learn coping skills. Not an easy task. SIGH.

Southern Decadence Revisted

Well, there is never a dull Southern Decadence. There were highs... lows... dramatic fiery moments... sordid moments... thrills... debauchery... disappointments... everything.

The highlight of the trip was to spend time with the sweetest couple Kelly and Jeff, who I hadn't seen since SF three years ago. Hanging around them was fun and easy. I admire their love and devotion to each other. I also got to meet sexy blogger, Erik Rubright. The wonderful thing about meeting bloggers is that you already know them!

The lowlights of the trip was seeing so many cracked out friends. I have never abused drugs. I don't have that addictive trait. I was stunned how many friends were on full tilt with alcohol and drugs. I could never do that to my own body.

There was some drama over the weekend with the Mean Girls. I am still piecing together what gives others motivation to be so damn mean. I am steadily reaching the conclusion that jealousy is at the heart of the matter. I'll probably address this in a later blog post.

Finally, I learned a valuable lesson over the weekend. If you let them, friends will walk all over you. Sometimes, you must put your foot down and be a total Jimbo. I rented a nice place next to the Bourbon Pub. Even though there was just three of us sleeping there, it was often grand central station all hours of the night. It was no fun picking up empty coke baggies, watching your hall bathroom be used as a sex/drug room, or spending $450 to repair a sink that two dumbasses broke while apparently trying to fuck.

Despite the setbacks, I did have fun for Southern Decadence. It is probably the most fun and nicest event for gay men in the world. New Orleans is North America's most liberal city where sodomy rules in and out of the bedroom. Where else is public sex on the street so passé? So, cheers to another Southern Decadence!

Southern Decadence Pics

Invasion

The invasion has begun. This little "scout" was caught trespessing in a protected area on my body (upper pec region). There is no Geneva Convention here. The lone gray hair will suffer a swift pull from his root. Let this be a lesson to all those hairs who have thought about turning. You TOO will suffer the same cruel fate. Grr...