The night I'll never forget: Sunday, April 25, 2010. I was kidnapped, brutalized, and cut wide open. They finally got me... the Brettcajun Hater's Club. First, my tongue was cut out. Then my fingers chopped up like carrots. Slab hung limp and bloody from a fireplace poker. Every iconic piece of me was cut out and put on display.
You should've seen the throngs of enemies fight over who'd hold the honor of cutting out my cold wee heart
. The victor thrust a dagger deep and ripped out that wiggly heart to the cheering of the masses. I distinctly heard a familiar voice shout -- "ROT IN HELL!
This was the moment my spirit was set free. Though my body lay cold, I was still conscious. My first sensation was overwhelming peace and tranquility. I looked for the mythical "light", but couldn't find it. So, here I was... just floating around as if I were in a holding pattern. I had a sneaky sense that higher powers were intently studying me... befuddled what to do.
Suddenly, I find myself in total darkness. There were no stars in the sky, no sounds, just pitch black nothingness. This is soooo freaking weird! At that very moment, a red creature appeared before me. OMG. STFU. It's none other than the Devil himself! I excitedly exclaim, "You DO exist!"
The Devil has a perplexed look on his face. It's almost as if he were thinking, "Why did they send YOU here?" I blurt out -- "hey buddy... how ya doing?" The Devil was clearly annoyed. I could just tell.
He began walking. Shit. I didn't know what to do, so I followed. I don't know exactly how. It was more like I was floating behind him. "Where are we going?"
The Devil turns around, clearly peeved, and gives me a "STOP TALKING YOU IMBECILE!" look. I am like, "Whoa... what got into your panties?" The moment I thought that, I distinctly remember his shoulders going up and head bobbing down. Oh shit. I think he hears everything I think. Bwahaha!
Whoa, soooo cool man... I am walking around with THE DEVIL himself. He sure is funny looking with that overbite thing he got going on... and that pointy tail... looks like a penis... a looong skinny penis... no slab there... ha ha.
He swiftly turns around as if he is gonna jack me up. His eyes flash brightly. The Devil is incensed. I ain't skeered. "Whaaaat? What did I do? Am I annoying you?"
The next thing I know, I wake up in my comfy bed at the Bienville House. I feel around and verify my body parts are indeed intact. Whew! I am kinda bummed though. The Devil couldn't stand being around me for more than five minutes. Hmpfh!