Friday, January 29, 2010

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Full of Sheep


How are you liking your President now? Hmm...? I would take a gander and say he doesn't look that much different from George W. Bush.

Let's get real. All politicians are full of sheep. You know it. I know it. We all know it. I am not one who hangs onto a soundbite and go "baa... baa.. baa..." to every bullshit line delivered.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR GLBT CIVIL RIGHTS?! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING!!!

To placate the sheep, a cookie was tossed to us gay folks. I love how it was buried deep into the speech. Obama said... This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are.

Whoopty Doo. Can't you try a little harder? Can't you put some wood into your committment for GLBT civil rights?

What about saying, I am gonna yank that stupid ass law down and forbid our military from ever discriminating against gays and lesbians again. We are gonna clean up that military culture RIGHT NOW goddammit! If you're excited about that, just wait to see me end those redneck gay adoption bans.

Of course, this is exactly why I will never be President. I don't mince words and I'm not a pussy.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Slutty Swim Trunks



The biggest Mardi Gras weekend is a mere 2 1/2 weeks away. I have been trying my darndest to get into shape. This picture was taken today with my brand new Andrew Christian slutty swim trunks.

I am hoping we get lucky and have warm weather for Mardi Gras. I sure would love to frolick around in this skimpy outfit at the Country Club (a clothing optional GLBT resort).

My goal is to lose five more pounds of belly fat, so I can be at a good weight. Wish me luck!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Quirky Durban Bud

Rumor and speculation continue to swirl about Durban Bud. What in the hell is he doing with his free time? Surfing porn? Cruising on Manhunt? Hanging out with fellow sea lions? When is he gonna post something original on his goddamn blog?

The passive aggressive approach doesn't work. I encourage all blog troops to mass at his border and initiate NAGGING until cares about his faithful readers again.

DO IT!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

SUPER BOWL BOUND!!!

The New Orleans Saints are going to the Super Bowl! The 31-28 OT victory nearly gave me a heart attack. We were SO CLOSE to losing until Vikings QB Brett Favre through an ill advised interception with 7 seconds left in regulation. As a longtime Saints fan, I am so happy for the city of New Orleans. This moment has been a longtime coming for us long suffering Saints fans! GEAUX SAINTS!!!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Brett 2.0


There may be future hiccups, where I revert back to bad past behavior, but this is a better version of me I'd like to become:

1. Non-judgemental:
I recognize that I am an oddity... not the norm. I will no longer look at others who are different with so much disdain. If those alcoholic wretches like having squishy arms and flabby asses, then bravo to them for not having any standards or giving a damn.

2. Be a Good Sport: Here again... respect others lack of competitive spirit. Do not blow a gasket when someone says -- "I do not like sportssss." They are imbeciles. Do not KILL when someone says -- "Oh, I don't care if I win or lose... it's just a game." Smile at the fact when aliens invade Earth, these asshats will be the first to go!

3. Practice Humility:
Do not get mad the next time someone calls you a "midget". In the face of such insults, just smile and demonstrate how you have overcome your shortcomings. Pick them up two feet in the air and demonstrate that despite your shorter stature, YOUR ass will never be kicked by THEM.

4. Speak Your Mind: When anyone annoys you with political correctness or Faux News Syndrome, do not grin and bear it. Call them on their bullshit. Say, "I'm sorry. I couldn't understand a goddamn thing you just said. Can you think for yourself or have you become another brainwashed American?"

5. Be Yourself: There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's the rest of them that are all fucked up in the head! Next time you look in the mirror, tell yourself "I LIKE ME EXACTLY THE WAY I AM".

Monday, January 18, 2010

Judging Judy


Is it okay for others to not be like you? If their standards and values are not the same, should you shake your head and silently disapprove? Or should you do like me... rip them a new asshole?

I've been on quite a roll. Call me a "Judging Judy". I don't give a damn. My mood has already been captured and put on display here. Do I feel guilty about it? Hell no. Everybody else has been thinking the same thing. I am the only one with enough balls to jump their ass.

My next target may be a certain two individuals. It takes every fiber of my being to NOT barge into their room with a whistle, bullhorn, and a cattle prod. The biggest weekend of Mardi Gras is only four weeks away. Yet, sloth rules the day. What are they thinking? Are they going to passively lay on their backs and be lazy bottoms? Shouldn't they be ramping up their exercise and working on their torque/friction/stamina? I left them a nasty note this morning. "To Do: 1. Buy dog food 2. GYM".

Come to think of it, my Ex used to irk the hell out of me too. He typically wasted away hours of his life sleeping until Noon. While he snoozed, I bounced out of bed and played three hours of tennis.

At the gym, everything was set at a very underwhelming 50 #'s. Umm... dude... that's like doing girly weights. I could not fathom why he wasn't doing more to fight off the effects of gravity!

Then there was a total lack of preparation for tennis tournaments. While I was taking lessons and lining up quality opponents to prepare months in advance, the Ex would play one match the week of the tournament. Predictably, he would flop out of the first round. I couldn't help but think, "Well, what did you expect dumbass?!"

Which comes to the point of this blog post. There is a reason I am single. It's not because I am bitter or crazy. It's not because no one wants to deal with me AND my OCD. I am just better than anything else I see out there. And that Marjorie... is the ONLY reason I am single. Ahem.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Saints will RULE THEM ALL!


I am nervously excited about the Saints vs. Cardinals playoff game today. The New Orleans Saints (13-3) are on a three game losing skid. I am hoping much of that was due to coach Sean Payton simply resting his starters. We'll see.

The Saints are seven point favorites to oust the Cardinals out of the playoffs.

MY PREDICTION:

New Orleans Saints 48
Arizona Cardinals 34

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Self Reflection


Who am I? What brought me here? These are questions I have been pondering.

Lately, I have been analyzing my Pyrrhic victories. At what staggering cost did each win gain me? Were they worth it afterall?

I've always had an affinity toward George W. Bush's "You're either with us or against us...". I personally adapted that to... "You're either with me or against me!"

Say I have a grudge against someone. I'll be goddamn if YOU (my so called "friend") is gonna go make idle chit chat with that person. It's a question of loyalty. God help you if you become disloyal to me!

Now is this really sane? In my mind, I can perfectly justify this policy. But when did relationships with our friends/ ex-friends become battlefields? All it does is create cheap thrills, unnecessary drama, and longlasting harm.

Somewhere DEEP inside, a knowing inner voice has sighed for quite some time. It typically goes.. "Oh, Brett... you can be a better person than this!" With my emotions running the show, I typically ignored any self scolding. Even though I knew I was in the wrong.

Well, after much soul searching... I am coming around. That old Brett was a relic of the past. I summarily tossed that piece of junk on a trash pile. Brett 2.0 should be a MUCH improved model.

Friday, January 08, 2010

H1N1 Vaccinated


During a routine Doctor visit, I was asked if I would like the H1N1 vaccine and shots for Hep A & B. Hummm... well... I am sexually active AND Heauxmeaux...

I asked my Doctor the following questions:
Will it hurt? (I hate needles!)
Will I get sick afterwards?
The Doctor laughed hysterically. I felt like a child for asking. He said, "I promise that you won't feel a thing. You won't feel bad afterwards." Mmmhmmm... and how much are you getting paid by Big Pharma to inject me?

Against my better judgement, I decided to be a good Heauxmeaux and get the shots. With each jab of a needle, a tear would sprout in my eyes. I felt like I was back in grade school... "Owww... it hurts! Sniff. Sniff." The Doctor smiled at me for being a pussy.

Well, no later than thirty seconds after the last injection, my body temperature rose dramatically. I began sweating like a pig. I felt light headed. The Doctor shrieked, "YOU ARE SWEATING!" I promptly discarded my sweater, leaving on only my sweaty t-shirt. The Doctor quickly patted my head with paper towels.

As my life was flashing before my eyes, the Doctor nervously urged me to lay down. GULP! Would I be yet another child to die from the H1N1 vaccine? No more Jiggy Dances?

I wished CRUEL things on a certain blogger (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). Here I had been made to me feel like a dumb redneck for refusing to get vaccinated, now I am gonna die. It's your fault motherfucker!!!

After five minutes, my body shook uncontrollably. I had chills. I swiftly put back on my sweater. I am gonna die... I am gonna die... and it's all that dickwad's fault!

After ten minutes, I managed to escape my near death experience. I stood upright, drove home, and whined to my furry rugrats about the terrible experience. I felt shitty all last night. Yes, I am still wishing cruel things on that unnamed blogger.

But at least I am now vaccinated...

Monday, January 04, 2010

A Time for Militancy


OCD... you know me! The picture you see above is actually me. It was taken about two years ago when I was in the best shape of my life. With Mardi Gras only six weeks away, I am ramping up the OCD.

My goal now is to maintain a flat stomach while going heavier on the weights. I want a bigger chest, arms, legs, ass, everything... I will now be focused on working out five times a week.

I must be shirtless for Mardi Gras!

And this has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with any panic of turning 40 in June. Nothing to do with it!

AT ALL.

Sniff.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

The Plan


I have said "goodbye" to my former slaveowners (Capital One, HFC, etc.). Once again, I am 100% debt free. I even have that mythical thing called "a savings". How does it feel? It feels absolutely great!

Now that I am debt free, what is the plan? I want to save up money to buy depressed property in Florida. Preferably Fort Lauderdale. Why FTL? The climate is nice year round and there are lots of gay people. It would make a great spot to have a vacation home and eventually retire to.

So, I am making my savings budget. My goal is to buy something by this time next year. If I don't blow as much money traveling, eating out, and in the bars... I have a fighting chance to succeed.

WISH ME LUCK!