The Probe

This is a true story. A group of brave scientists risked their lives to anally probe me. A spacecraft and crew were miniaturized to "fit". Upon impact, the tip of the spacecraft opened and crew members were fired deep down my chute.

The mission: to find out what makes me tick.

Dr. Susan Pratt was the first to stumble upon the Chamber of Secrets. She peered through thousands of files on individuals. "He obviously places a high value on masculinity and athletic ability. Look here. This file is on "John W." His athletic ability is rated as marginally average and his file is stamped 'NELLIE'". She sighed.

Next to the Chamber of Secrets was the War Room. Dr. Pratt was in awe at all the electronic monitors. "He actively records all of his WINS and his rival's losses! OMG. His main focus and concentration seems to center on competition with others."

Before she could investigate any further, Dr. Pratt hears... "Come quickly. I've located the prefrontal cortex!" She raced to meet her fellow scientist.

Dr. Strout was found peering at a handheld instrument. "Hmm... if these readings are correct, Brett does not get into the Christmas spirit, cry at funerals, or celibrate "Suck a Hot Cock Day". He's an outlier in almost every statistical category!"

"We must send shockwaves through his prefrontal cortex. Otherwise, he will remain a dickhead", concluded Dr. Strout.

Dr. Pratt tearily gave a nod -- "It's the only way."

TO BE CONTINUED...