The Problem with Kurt Hummel:
Preface: I am choosing to share my feelings about Kurt Hummel (the gay character on Glee) to create an open dialogue. I feel that this character has successfully achieved one thing: dividing the gay community.
I have shared my disdain for Kurt Hummel on Facebook and recently on Jimbo's homophobic cat blog entry. When two individual commenters expressed their support for my viewpoint, I knew this was an interesting topic worth discussing.
What is my problem with Kurt Hummel? His character is so outrageously flamboyant, he makes me cringe every time he is in a scene. I find myself rooting for the closeted school bully, Dave Karofsky, to beat Kurt up. Is that mean? Not in my book. His character drives me nuts!
I'm a gay man. How do I act? Well, I play the manly sport of tennis 4-5 times a week. I don't decorate for holidays. When I am not attending an LSU or Saints football game, you can typically find me watching sports on the couch. In a nutshell, I am a typical male that happens to like other men. I do not live up to Hollywood's stereotype of what a gay male is supposed to be like.
As awful as this must sound, Kurt Hummel does not represent ME. I could never take him home to meet Mama. I would be too embarrassed to take him to a football game. The moment he started acting all nellie, I would have a sudden urge to ditch him. Being completely honest, Kurt makes me extremely uncomfortable.
Do I have deep seated insecurities that cause these anxieties? Hell, yes! I can't help it. I do feel partly ashamed by my reaction to the character of Kurt. I know it is wrong, but I just can't stop myself from feeling that sense of embarrassment. Was I born and nurtured to feel this way? Probably. Is there anyway to help me overcome my prejudice against Kurt?
You tell me.
posted by Brettcajun at Tuesday, November 23, 2010
59 Comments:
OK... I'll bite.
I think for any gay person to root for a bully to beat up another gay person is beyond despicable. If you honestly mean that, I'm ashamed of you.
I realize Kurt isn't your type. Well, guess what, sister: most guys aren't your type, and you are not most guys' type, either. If you're not comfortable looking at flamboyant people, look away. Turn the fucking channel. Do what it takes so your precious retinas aren't scarred by the sight of something you don't like.
And I can assure you of one thing: it doesn't matter that you're "butch", that you think you're "manly" because you play tennis, watch football, or whatever else. You suck dick. You get fucked in the ass. You are gay, and the Karofskys of the world would beat you up just as fast as Kurt, given the opportunity. If you travel to one of the countries where gay sex is still a felony, you'd be locked up just as fast as nelly Kurt. So don't think your "butchness" makes you anything special, because it doesn't. You're no better a person than he is because you watch sports.
How do you act? you ask... Well, I can tell you how you acted when you weren't much older than Kurt. You were so chickenshit about anyone even remotely possibly finding out that you were gay that you refused to go to dinner with another guy because "it looked gay".
Kurt, the character, is about 20,000 times more brave (and yes, MANLY) than you were, or are, because he stands up for who he is, even in the face of physical danger. To this day, you still feel the need to change pronouns when you're talking about dates in front of some people. That's not a man; that's a chickenshit scared little boy.
My opinion is that you feel threatened by Kurt because he represents a freedom you can only dream about. You don't have to dress like him, talk like him, walk like him, or act like him, but if you can't BE as open about yourself as he is, you can't hold a candle to him. Your comment about not being able to bring him "home to meet Mama" is telling: once again, like always in your life, you are more worried about what other people MIGHT think about you than about what YOU know, deep down, is right. I used to feel sorry for you about that, but you're 40 years old now. It's time to grow up.
Interesting entry. I, like you, feel similar. I enjoy football boating and fishing but I have to accept the fact that there are those in the community that are on the flamboyant side. Sexually they do nothing for me. My philosophy is if I wanted a woman, I'd have gotten a woman.
I have to admit that if it hadn't been for the "flamboyant" ones among us, I wouldn't have had the courage to come out. It takes some serious cajones to act the way you feel. We also have to realize that our community in of itself is quite diverse and that there is enough hatred and bigotry against us that we ourselves don't need to add to it.
Working my way backwards through your post:
>>Is there anyway to help me overcome my prejudice against Kurt?<<
Yes, but it's unlikely you will, because you seem unlikely to accept the fact that the problem is you, not him.
The idea that a gay man could support a bully beating up another gay man for being gay (flamboyant or not) is so despicable I don't know how to address it. If you're serious, I'm ashamed of you.
No matter how "manly" you think you are, you are still too chicken to openly discuss a date with a man in front of strangers you'll never see again and whose opinion ought to matter not one whit to you. That's not being a man, that's being a scared boy.
Kurt, by contrast, knows who he is and refuses to let anyone or anything force him to be something he's not - even in the face of physical danger to himself. THAT sounds a hell of a lot more "manly" than your sports watching.
Your concern about taking someone like him "home to meet Mama" says it all: you're still so concerned about what someone else thinks of you, and so afraid that someone else is going to judge YOU by what one of your friends is like. That's a sure sign of insecurity - another thing you can't pin on Kurt, because he's about as secure in his awareness of "self" as anyone I know.
The way to overcome this prejudice? A lot of hard work, starting with constantly reminding yourself of several important facts:
1. You are who you are. Any time you deny who you are to others, you diminish yourself.
2. You are not who your friends are. Hanging with a black friend doesn't make you black; hanging with an Asian friend doesn't make you Asian; hanging with a woman doesn't make you female; hanging with straight men doesn't make you straight; and hanging with nelly guys doesn't make you nelly.
3. Even if it did, being nelly is NOT bad. Nelly men may not appeal to you sexually, but then you don't appeal to lots of other men either. Grow up and grow a pair and accept that just as YOU need to be YOU - to everyone, other people need to be themselves as well.
4. Stop thinking of yourself as better than anyone else. You're not, at least not based on liking and playing sports. I might think otherwise if you spent a fraction of your tennis time doing volunteer work or helping the less fortunate.
Yes, Kevin M... when I was 23 years old (and had just come out)... I did have a rule of not eating dinner with another guy at a restaurant. I could only eat lunch with them in the day time. Also, if we went to a movie, you had to sit with seat between us because I didn't want others to think we were gay. I discarded those rules about a year after coming out.
In a word, yes. It's your problem not his and you need to get over it. People who happen fit a stereotype are no more or less deserving of our respect and support than anyone else. How can we ever expect straight people to accept us and treat us like equals when we can't even accept ourselves?
Think for a moment how often you go on a rampage about your "brett-hating fan club". How does it make you feel? You wail on and on here about how people are always tearing you down. You get mad if you even think someone might be gossiping about you behind your back. How is that any different from what you are doing now? The reasons might be different but the result is the same. You are tearing down a stereotype because you recognize qualities in said character that you hate in yourself. While it is human nature, it is a base human emotion. We have reason and wisdom to move us beyond such petty emotions.
And just because you aren't attracted to him makes him no less deserving either. A real man in my eyes is defined by his actions not what sports he plays or what mannerisms he has.
This has inspired me to think of a post of my own on the whole conversation here... one more vodka fresca and palin loosing DWTS... and I should be ready...
Brett Honey....... stop.
I've read your post about 10 times and started a comment that was coming across as .. well just mean, which I would never in a million years want to be to you. You and I have a lot in common, I'm the total ex frat gone to pot SEC football guy... but I love Kurt, and would have done ANYTHING to have had his courage when I was in high school or college, so we differ in that.
The only thing I do want to address is the : " I was born and nurtured to feel this way". You were not. You were born gay, you were not born hoping that sissy acting guys get beat up - you have have been taught that, BUT its your place to " nurture/teach " those around you that is wrong... not accept it as the way things are.
If you really want to start a conversation ... will you address some of the things that Kevin M said? Sure it is like therapy... but you are among friends here! Dig deeper....
This post comes at an interesting moment... I just spent some time with a guy that was very masculine. In the closet.. NO, but certainly does not advertise his sexuality. He would fall into the "straight acting" world of gays. (not my favorite term)
He actually said he wouldn't get a tatoo on his leg because he thought they looked gay.... you are gay, I thought.
We he is gay, but has a definite distain for the gay community. He expressed his dislike of gay pride and gay men that enjoy pride and other festivals.(I'm not a fan of the Phoenix Pride, I've been twice and found it boring, but I think it's great that others enjoy it)
This has left me with a bad taste in my mouth and I'm trying to decide if I want to keep him as a friend. I think I'd prefer to be friends with guys that are not so biased against the community that I'm beginning to identify with.
The characters (all of them) are just that, characters.....various personalities taken to the highest level. Does Mercedes represent EVERY large black singing female? Does Sue represent EVERY female cheerleading coach, NO! So, you don't like Kurt, OK, fine, but not EVERY gay character on ANY TV show is going to represent the ENTIRE community. Is there something you and Kurt have in common, YES...you are gay, you are male but that doesn't mean Kurt represents everything about you. You love tennis and you are gay, guess what YOU don't represent ALL gay men either! We are ALL different!
Did you even SEE your last video post?? You are the epitome of the gay stereotype!! Your hissy fits...your vanity... I've seen it countless of times on RuPauls Drag Race. All your missing is the gown.
It wasn't too long ago that I felt kind of the same way, not associating with feminine men, but I matured some and changed my views and attitude, and became a better man as a result.
Everyone matures at a different rate. Someday you may get to the point where you no longer feel this way, and you'll look back and feel shocked that you ever did.
Just remember it's okay to modify your feelings in the future. Don't let them imprison you. You're the boss.
Now, I'll start off by saying that I don't like "Glee" period. I think it's a silly, not very well-written show. Gay stereo types have nothing to do with my dislike. And I know it appeals to a lot of people. And I'm fine with that. Everybody has "their shows."
But I have something to say in regards to the theme of this post.
The problem with any kind of prejudice is that it works from the premise that people fall into one category and are not complex human beings whose behaviors operate in varying degrees.
You, Brett, even try to paint yourself as the "typical male" who happens to like men. But isn't there more to you than that?
I love football just as much as you do. I love playing basketball as much as you love tennis. I have facial hair and a big cock. I guess those are traits that are considered typically masculine. But I also love to cook, keep a very clean house, read a lot, tend to be very empathetic, and in my years with The Attorney, I hvae discovered I am a romantic. Typical feminine qualities. And there are lost of other traits that slide to one side or another of the masculine/feminine scale that help make up the shy, goofy, country, gay man that I am.
And it's all in varying degrees. Just like you. Yes, you have the masculine qualities you mention, but you also have more feminine qualities like a high pitched voice, finding particular joy in certain pop music divas, and an interest in fashion (and I have seen video of you throwing a football, young lady.)
So, you don't have an attraction to flamboyant men. I really don't either. And I'm sure there are many a flamboyant guy who would have no interest in me. You can't control what makes your dick hard. But there are guys that DO get hard from flamboyance. So, why deny them what turns them on.
Some men may find YOU too nellie, no matter how butch you feel.
Butch is in the eye of the beholder. So, live and let live.
I agree in most parts with Kevin M. You still have issues with being gay and with people that are less manly as you say. You are gay but you don't want to pass as gay at the same time...
By the way, who said tennis is a 'manly' sport?
I've always been told that men who hate their mothers will exaggerate her feminine characteristics. I'm not a "girl" or "Miss" anything and don't enjoy being called that. (Ever notice how the screamers want to drag you down their nellie hole when they see you in public?) If you want to be a woman, get a sex change. That's why I hate that the trannies have hitched their star to our wagon - now people are thinking we all want to be the opposite sex.
I can just see the repeal of DADT being debated on the Senate Floor. "Oh Miss Senator, us girls want to join the Marines so we can shower with them big butch boys!"
Ii is sad you feel this way. I could never welcome you into my home because I have friends of various levels of masculine and feminine traits and neither they or I would feel comfortable around someone like you. If these are your attitudes, Brett, I don't want you out there as a face of the community. Your attitude does far more damage for lgbt people than Kurt or his "kind" does and, I agree, butching it up to hide doesn't make you a man. It makes you a coward . No one says you have to like or be attracted to men who are effeminate, or that you have to act in a manner that is not natural to you, but to take it to the level of saying you support the bully makes you someone I can't respect or even like. I guess your "lucky" you can "pass" apparently...people like Kurt have no choice...even if they try to pretend they're something they're not, their natural mannerisms would make it difficult for them to escape bullying and harassment. You should be ashamed of yourself Brett, but I doubt you have that ability. I am truly, truly disappointed in the person you have shown yourself to be in this post. I wonder who else is on your list of deserving to be harassed and bullied and terrorized because they don't live up to your standards. Kurt is more man than you'll ever be, and I'd stand beside him any day. I wouldn't even want to be one seat down from you.
I've got news for you, you're not that fucking butch. Not even close. Don't kid yourself. Every queen in S. Louisiana watches the Saints and LSU play football and I won't even touch the tennis comment because I don't really get it. I thought you were joking.
We hate the qualities we see in other people that we try so hard to disown in ourselves. Deep down inside you feel like a nelly bitch and you despise another person who flaunts those traits and is actually not ashamed of them the way that you are.
Am I getting ripped a new asshole or what?! LOL. For the record, I posted this blog post BEFORE the latest episode of Glee aired. After watching that episode, I admit that I must look like the biggest jerk.
KEY POINT: I KNOW my embarrassment of Kurt's character has everything to do with my internal strife. Part of me recognizes my disdain is irrational and prejudice. I just can't help it!
The reason I chose to blog about this very controversial topic was to start a conversation about it. I know my post was very unpopular, but if it creates a dialogue and HELPS others in the end... then it was worth it.
I appreciate everyone sharing their viewpoints. I have already learned a lot from reading the comments. (even with the punches thrown)
If this topic helps me or others come to terms with the character of Kurt Hummel, then I have done my job.
I'm very disasspointed with you Brett. And much like Breenlantern, I don't think you could be happy with my friends either - they run the gamut on the scale of masculinity as well. But the one thing they aren't, is being afraid of and embracing who they are as people.
What I find amusing and a little bit sad, is that my friends would accept you as you, but you could not return the favor.
I lastly, let me remind you of a little history: the next time you're enjoying your relative freedom as a gay man in the US, you should thank a Drag Queen because they were one of the first ones that picked up and threw the bricks that started the revolution.
Sorry, Brett, but I call bullshit. You did not "open a dialogue." You flat out decried Kurt for his natural mannerisms and said, I quote: "I find myself rooting for the closeted school bully, Dave Karofsky, to beat Kurt up. Is that mean? Not in my book. His character drives me nuts!" That is not "opening dialogue" that is perpetrating the message that effeminate kids deserved to be bullied, beat up, harassed and terrorized. How dare you put that out there then turn around and downplay it by saying you were just trying to "open dialogue." All you've done is shown your own internal homophobia and bigotry towards others not like you. Not liking, being attracted to or even severely disliking someone for their natural qualities (effeminacy, weight, grooming, etc.) is one thing and a personal preference, but to imply anyone deserves to be bullied or beaten for it because you find it distasteful is inexcusable. Don't blame this on upbringing, societal norms or any other cop out bullshit. You chose your words, you embraced your attitude and you helped spread a message of intolerance and hate with this post. I truly hope you are never the victim of the same attitudes you have expressed here towards people like Kurt. If you can't be brave enough to embrace your own sexuality and support others' right do so, at least be brave enough to own your attitude about without excuse or, better still, be brave enough to change it. If you truly care about what negative message you're sending, then change your damn message. People like Kurt don't need to apologize for or change who they are; people like you do. Because they don't threaten you by being who they are, but you threaten them by being who you are. I seriously hope you'll think long and hard about the message you've chosen to display here and how that contributes to the suffering of kids who don't have the luxury of being as butch and invisible as you claim to be.
You just lost this reader of your pointless blog. But before I go...
I have been confused about this ongoing blog as you seem to be about life in general.
Last month you were madly in love with "Tim" (complete with very butch schoolgirl hearts and arrows) whom you've not posted about since your trip to Dallas.
Two weeks ago you were in the depths of despair about your life/work situation.
Last week, an inane video of you in a weird dance.
And the threads that seem to hold it all together: tennis and pictures of you shirtless in a barn.
And now you're posting this for all the world to see your insecurites with yourself and self-righteous homophobia? You commented that you know these are your issues and that you "can't help it". Really? You have no capacity for change or growth in your life? Bulls**t. Is this how you see yourself living your life in 10 years from now when you're 50? Your thoughts are all over the board and your life (as far as this blog is concerned) seems to be reflecting that perfectly.
I couldn't agree more on here with Kevin M, Moby, Kyle and Breenlantern. Do yourself a giant favor and really take to heart what they've said. These people seem to know you and have a genuine interest in you as a person.
I've just lost any interest I had in this blog completely. You are the last person that needs to "start a dialogue" on what it means to be a (gay) man. You haven't a clue.
I watch GLEE and I feel the same discomfort you do. This is a good topic to discuss. Thanks for having the balls to bring it up!
OUCH! I am getting a bloody nose from all the punches thrown. I can take it. I went out on a limb to express an unpopular view and I deserve it. Strangely, this is actually good therapy to be trampled by the masses. You have had made some very good points that I needed to hear.
Kurt's not a fag. He's nothing you've heard. He's YOU.
Ooo, Brett- you really stepped in it. All your blog readers who self-identify with Kurt are lining up to slapfight you and pull your weave!
I gotta say, though, that I agree with you to a certain extent. Overly effeminate men tend to oog me out a bit. I don't mind occasional campiness or belting out a showtune now and then, but when the guy's entire life seems to be one big sissy stereotype, that's where I draw the line.
Naturally I say "live and let live" and was not rooting for the bully, but Kurt does seem to invite the trouble by wearing girls clothes and always wanting to be on the girl side, etc.
Kurt and his ilk are free to live exactly ad they want to live, but like above commanders have said, I wouldn't be inviting him into my home as I don't feel I have much in common with him.
you say you cannot help it, but sweetie - you can. you know this because you are a smart guy, thus, anything else I write is superfluous, but what the hey, i have a fresh cup of coffee and a few minutes to type out a couple of thoughts…
i'd venture to say this post and you taking your 'punches' in the comments is evidence at the attempt to ‘help it’. that or you didn’t realize what a shit-storm you were walking into. and while i am sure your blog is wildly popular it is not the times-picayune, it is a diary, so, i'd caution against deflecting with statements like this post will start a dialogue and 'HELP others' - help you first.
you take the punches well - even when they are delivered with some force – so i’m sure you are picking out the good bits actually speaking to you and the conversation. i applaud you for doing such – it is strong and brave.
you asked questions. you got varied and sometimes visceral responses. it all just goes to show how important the conversation is.
GEE-ZUS don’t i sound preachy. sorry about that. i don’t mean to come across as some know-it-all or psych qualified or anything like that. i’m just a dude asking questions about life just like you.
let us not be ashamed of asking questions - whatever they may be - since it seems they lead to answers.
CB: Not true and not fair. I don't "identify" with Kurt in the way you seem to imply, (That I act like him so I see myself in him) and I would be just as horrified if Brett had said Amber deserves to be picked on for being overweight and black; I accept that he is one of the many faces of the spectrum of human mannerisms who happens to be "effeminate"; the umbrage I (and I believe others)take is that Brett advocates violence against him for his effeminacy and puts him down for it because Kurt does not hold to some personal standard of masculinity that he approves of. He isn't just saying "that's not what I'm attracted to nor how I behave or am comfortable behaving" and no one is saying he should have to hang out with or date men that behave like this. Also, I think it is as appalling to say he "asks for it" for behaving in a way that comes natural to him. That's the same argument that women who are raped or kids who are molested "ask for it" by being in the wrong place at the wrong time or wearing the wrong thing. To imply that any victim of abuse deserves it on some level for bringing it on themselves is grotesque. I know you and I (and clearly Brett and I) have different opinions about what we think should be acceptable behavior for gay men (I think all behavior is acceptable if it makes you comfortable and harms no one and it's no ones place to appoint themselves arbiter of what's OK and what's not OK; I'm sure you disagree) but to advocate violence against someone because you don't approve of that behavior? That's outrageous and unacceptable. And, in case this has not been made clear, most of our enemies that would do us harm and perpetrate violence against us will not differentiate between the soft spoken and the brazen, the jocks and the gentles, the butch and the fem: we're all a bunch of dirty little cock suckers who deserve what we get. if we don't protect and look out for each other, no one else is going to.
I'm very sad at the voices on here who think any violence against any gay man because of his mannerisms is acceptable.(or against anyone for their mannerisms , for that matter) I had hoped the recent outrage at the suicide of gay teens was an indication that attitudes were starting to change. Then I read something like this and I realize we have a long way to go and not just among straight bullies, but gay bullies as well.
I’d suffer through a whole episode of Glee to see that smack down! Personally, I really wish the writers out there in TV land would do a better job of developing gay characters. We seem to be either stuck with the over the top stereotypical Kurt Hummels (which make me cringe) or get the over dramatized Brockback Mtn treatment (by the end of the film I wanted to take a tire iron to both of them).
One bright spot is the character of Sam Adama in the SyFy series Caprica. For once we get a gay character whose homosexuality isn’t the basis for his character, but rather, just another part of the dynamic that makes him who he is.
As to the notion that we all have to love, cherish, and embrace everyone; that’s just silly. Sorry. I’m all for live and let live (I think we’re all better off the less we all have to do with each other) but this never ending therapy speak group think is ridiculous. We all have things we like in life and things we don’t. Sticking to your preferences is a testament to your commitment to your values.
To be clear, I am not advocating violence against nellie individuals. This is a television show with the most over the top effeminate gay character. It is this character that I wish were tougher. I think the writers should toughen him up a little... make him workout... so he can one day beat up the bully and stop all those damn tears.
Oh Brett. You certainly did step into it. I could say, "et tu, brute." But hey. You have your opinions. I really don't think you're down on your fellow gay man, or any man. We all carry our shit. Me, you, all of us.
So you don't like this television character. Ok. I've never seen "Glee" so I don't know. I get what you're saying. I don't agree, but I get it. I also don't think you deserve the bashing you got in many of these comments. We're all different. We all have opinions. Ok.
And I know from reading your blog that you know that we're all in this together. That we stick together and help each other out. You show that (eyebrow plucking is an exception, I understand).
But just as you are, so are we. I've been accused of being effeminate, especially in my youth. I don't think that I am any more than any guy.
It would break my heart for another gay man to "dis" me for any reason (other than my taste in clothes). :)
I don't know you, Brett. But I love you. I like your style, I like your outspokenness, I like your jiggy dances (there's a real butch thing, yeah right). I like your horses. I like your muscles. And I like your tennis. If, afater all that, I met you and you were the nelliest thing, I'd still like you. I hope.
I'm not judging you. I know you have a heart. And I know you're not judging us, or Kurt. He's just one character after a thousand characters that represents something, something that maybe we all don't share, but that we recognize, and we all know.
Live in peace, gay muscle-bound tennis-playing New Orleans Decadence celebrating brother. We are all one.
Everyone is welcome to share feelings/opinions, I have never taken the time to watch Glee, does not spark my interest. I had no idea who he is until now, I had to youtube him. But just doing a little research on him, gave me some giggles,,,laughs,,,and OMGs.
I know a few guy/girls like him and will say it does not bother me much. Here is a quote from someone else and I agree with it. Admire people for being as outrageous and colourful as they feel. If more of the world was like that then it would be a better, more fun, place.
Tim
So our only two options are to hug each other or punch each other out? Here's an idea: you don't like someone , leave them alone. Don't advocate the harassing and bullying of them. Brett said, word for word:
"I find myself rooting for the closeted school bully, Dave Karofsky, to beat Kurt up. Is that mean? Not in my book. His character drives me nuts!"
Brett advocated for physically beating Kurt because he doesn't like his affectations and mannerisms and then says it's not mean. So this is acceptable? Any time we don't like how someone acts we can just beat the shit out of them and that's OK?
I'm not saying Brett (or anyone) has to like anyone or any characteristic he finds unattractive or even repulsive. Not my place, not my business. But when one gay man states openly that another man should get beat up for being effeminate, I have a problem. Serious problem.
And I don't hate Brett for saying this, I hate the message and I've lost respect for him for advocating violence against effeminate gay men. I don't think his words are harmless at all, nor do I think being a nice guy "otherwise" excuses his advocacy for the harassment of other gay men.
If everyone acted masc/musc/mil life would be so fucking boring.
Really Brett, it takes a lot more courage to be an openly feminine-acting gay man than to walk around with a fake straight-acting swagger.
oh, lordy how I hesitate to say a thing here.
Television sucks when it comes portraying most (if not all) gay characters. We're all over the top "flamboyant" (Kurt, Jack from 'W&G', Jody from 'Soap', Ricky from 'My So-Called Life' - shall I go on?) according to them - and many of them ARE gay writers.
I love Brett, but did anyone take him literally (or seriously) as he wrote some of his stuff? I didn't.
And for those who support Kurt and don't advocate hate or violence - listen to his tirades and nastiness against other "students" or "glee members".
Hate is hate, so it can't be justified one way and not another. So you can't say Kurt's comments are just for 'fun'.
To Breenlantern: I feel very compelled to say Thank You for your articulate and intelligent responses posted today in the face of such unintelligence.
People have offered you a lot of opinions about what you've described - it's fear, it's insecurity, and so on. I'm going to throw another idea into the mix. What you are describing - a way of living in which you avoid people because they make you uncomfortable, in which you shun them out of fear of what others think - it's a way of living lacking in honor.
That's not a concept that gets talked about much but I wish we thought about it more. The opposite of honor is shame, and it's shameful to treat people badly - even in small ways - because of our own fears or insecurities.
It's not like you can must make those feelings go away. There's no honor in behaving well because it's easy. There's a lot of in behaving well even when it's not so easy for you.
If you're sincere about wanting to get over it, it's simple (and hard). You have to push yourself past your fear. I think if you do, you'll respect yourself for it. And you'll earn the respect of others.
There are many different types of people in this world. There are football players, figure skaters, gymnasts, video gamers, book worms, and every other kind of person. But, too often we define ourselves by our sexuality. we act as if our sexual preference trumps all other aspects of our personality, and by doing so we enable others to view us as "gay men" rather than just men.
Kurt is a wonderful character. He may not represent every "gay man", but he does a great job of representing one type of man.
The social conditioning that we are forced to endure as a child is hard to overcome as an adult. The reaction that you are having is normal. Kurt physically represents what your culture told you was wrong. The blurring of gender lines. But don't let your prejudice blind you from seeing the good, brave, intelligent, and stylish person named Kurt. He is hidden beneath all your insecurities.
I grew up in a small mountain town in the southern Rocky mountains. I was Karofsky. I feel bad for him. I feel sad for the way people are catagorized in this world. I feel sad for all the hate. But because of shows like Glee, I feel hope for the future...
Kurt is a major bitch to his friends and acts like he thinks he is better than EVERYONE. He has just been MEAN, even to his his best friend, Mercedes. I don't think the flamboyant aspect of his personality is the main problem, I think him being an asshole is (that's the part I don't like about him). Even though from our viewpoint on the other side of the tv screen we know that he is having a hard time adjusting to being the only out person in high school, his actions sometimes make it hard to sympathize.
However, his "love interest" on the show, I think, is a really cool guy, and I think he will have a more positive effect on Kurt. HE already has, really. Hopefully we will see a more positive and fun Kurt in the future, one that actually is comfortable in his own skin and doesn't need to look down his nose at everyone to make himself feel just slightly more secure with who he is.
Thanks for opening that dialogue, and what a lot of comments you got. I have to agree with the people who said it's YOUR problem. Internalized homophobia? May be time for some therapy, so you don't have to beat up nelly queens (or want to). I find them very fuckable, personally.
Sorry Brett, while not as vehement, I'm with Breen. Your post wasn't about dialogue. Yo wanted to stir the shit. Just own it.
I know you in real life and while I am disappointed in you, I am not prepared to throw the book at you. I've seen you grow alot in the last few years so I know you will move beyond and grow from this. You'll come away with a cyber bloody nose but sometimes you need a good beat down to keep your ego in check.
Think before you speak and remember, regardless of who/what we are, we deserve respect, equality, and dignity.
Listen all, I want to be very clear here:
I'm not begrudging anyone for having an opinion about what they think is attractive or likable in person. That's both subjective and partial. I may not be thrilled at the categories people deem "unlikable" but that's not for me to determine for others.
I am not arguing that Kurt is the best behaved character on Glee or that he gets a free pass to behave however he wants for his struggle. I'm not saying no one should ever address him n the show, put him in his place, be mad at him or dislike him. I'm not saying he is a great role model or the best face for the gay community (and I'm not saying he isn't, either.)
I am not trying to attack Brett for struggling with issues that many of us may have struggled with or belittle him for having issues to work through.
My SOLE issue here is that Brett very plainly stated he advocated beating up Kurt for being effeminate because Brett finds his mannerisms repulsive and "sided with the Bully" and then said that he didn't think that was "mean." (Yes, Blobby, I took him literally and seriously, because there is nothing to indicate he wasn't serious ) That is exactly what he said and I took issue with him advocating violence against another gay man for not being butch enough in his eyes. There may be other issues worth discussing, but everyone seems intent on gloss over the crux of the crime here: it is not OK for anyone to advocate violence against another human being because they don't fit stereotypical gender roles, and Brett, especially as a gay man, shocked me (and others) at his statement. It's one thing to express a dislike for someone or their behavior. It's another thing to believe your dislike warrants physical aggression or attack. You can disagree with me all you want but I'll go on record and state once again: promoting or justifying violence against gay men because they don't conform to certain "masculine" standards of behavior is wrong and I have no respect or tolerance for anyone who thinks otherwise.
"Is there any way to help me overcome my prejudice against Kurt?"
How about putting yourself in "Kurt's" shoes, or one of the many gay or thought to be gay kids who have recently committed suicide?
Let yourself get to that point of hopelessness. Cry yourself to sleep every night because you don't want to go to school the next day out of fear of what someone will do or say to you.
Hide yourself away so that no one will ever know who you are or what you are about.
Drink heavily to ease the pain and take drugs when the alcohol stops working.
Imagine what it would be like to be literally kicked out of your house for being who you are and told that you are hated by your own parents and family.
Try to get to the point where putting a noose around you neck or popping a bunch of pills or slitting your wrists is the ONLY way out of the nightmare you're living in.
I can't remain silent after a post that I made a few days ago about bullying.
Bullying in any way, shape or form is not acceptable! No one should have to endure any threat of violence or harassment by anyone.
Any person, whether they are masculine or effeminate deserve the same respect as anyone else in this world. Isn't the GLBT community an advocate for equality for "everyone"?
I don't like your opinion Brett, but I'm not going to advocate that someone find you and literally beat you up. You'll still get a big hug from me when I see you next, then I'll bitch-slap (only because you'd like it).
I guess if Kurt played tennis he would be ok in your books!!!! You need to take a harder look in the mirror Brett you are just like Kurt....
This is what happens when you grow up eating squirrel and opossum gumbo. Guuuurl, you need to move out of Louisiana and explore the big scary world out there.
Wow.... kinda speechless. It is your blog but you put it out there for everyone to respond.
Your reaction and being uncomfortable with a flamboyant sterotype has more to do with issues with yourself. Maybe you should deal with those first before you criticize and support bashing of a human being.
One of the things I liked about your blog is that your a normal person who is opinionated and had fun dressing in wigs and lip syncing.
I don't think I will be visiting you part of the net... I'm very dissapointed.
I am always intrigued when I read things like this. I too am a gay man. I have been told by many of my straight friends that I fit in many worlds, but I sometimes feel that I fit in none. This could be due to my profession. I am a classical musician, I play the flute, I am a little larger than the average gay man, I love a great glass of wine, but I am also a huge fan of all the wonderful varieties of beer available, I am a huge fan of hockey, football, and even used to play rugby. I love opera, have it playing quite a bit, but I still have pop and rock music playing and on rare occasions some country music. I love to read and spend much of my time living in my head with my thoughts. I'm not afraid to speak my mind and live authentically me, but sometimes feel because I do not fit into one mold, my community does not see me.
It is such a shame that we, gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender people still hold stereotypes. Once we all can meet and celebrate all of our wonderful unique qualities we will not have issues with society.
As a student of life I am always reading. There is a wonderful book by a Buddhist monk by the name of Thich Nhat Hahn titled "Living Buddha, Living Christ." In the book Thich Nhat Hahn discusses that once the religions of the world can get along and celebrate the differences of culture and religion then there will be true peace among people. This is something that I feel we must do within our community. Sometimes when we feel a little bit of anger or resentment towards another it is due to some unresolved issue we have or something that we see in ourselves that we do not like.
Just some of the thought that have been swimming in my head since reading you blog post.
Oh, I used to play tennis regularly. I was on my high school junior varsity and varsity tennis team.
Just as a side point, when did tennis become butch? Because I'm around Brett's age, I played tennis when I was in junior high, and it didn't get me any more butch points than being the marching band did.
I get you, Brett. No long winded rant or response here, but I get you. I get it. I agree with much of it and I agree that's it's my issue as well, but I get it.
Some people think instigating violence against gays warrants a "long winded rant." I'm just saying.
I will way that I am a bit angered by this post, to be safe I was like kurt in a way. I was bullied in school. I am from a small town that doesn't think gay people should have rights. Basically guys who are like built like you brett would call me names and threaten to hurt me if i didn't stop acting as myself. I had to hide my true self for a year. Act as they did to not get beaten up. It wasn't until I found a great mentor who was gay and older from my hometown.
He taught me that it was great to be gay, to express myself and not to be ashamed. The next year I came back to school, an awesome fashion like kurt gay. I wore clothes that were nicer and dressed preppy. I still got hassled for being gay. I made great friends that stood up for me and knew that being myself was nothing wrong.
I believe Brett that you want to express yourself in a free way that so to say us "nellies" already do. You feel that if you express a more femme side you might discover a new support for us nellies.
Maybe you need to take a dance class or find a femme person to help you get over. Care to travel to Seattle?
Derek
Kurt and his ilk are the truly courageous amongst all gay men. Brett, like you, I once felt uncomfortable seeing a gay character portrayed so flambouyantly. That feeling prevailed in real life as well. That was until I concluded that the effeminate gay may who can't hide behind a masculine, gruff exterior is truly more courageous than I am because they are out there. They are out there fighting the fight every day because they can't hide. Don't be reviled by them. Embrace your sissy brethren. Viva la differance! (Forgive my French)
sounds like someone has some self loathing going on. If you are truly a secure MAN gay or otherwise it should not pose a problem to be seen or interact with a more flamboyant person.
I feel sad for you that you cannot just accept people for who they are. We all bring something unique to the party so instead of being embarrassed about those traits that are deep seeded in your psyche just enjoy the differences and applaud the courage and maybe some of that courage will rub off on you!
Oh, and you may want to spend less time trying to convice others how you are so MANLY. I have seen your tired drag clips. I think Kurt would hide his eyes at your attempts.
I have known Brett personally for over 12 years. He is the sweetest guy you'd ever meet. I agree with ever thing he has written. BRAVO to you for speaking your mind. I LOVE YOU BUDDY!
Who cares if Kurt isn't your type. You're not everyone's type either. Nor am I. Nor is anyone. You're simply joining the mass of people, gay or otherwise, who have finally discovered that we just don't like some types of people. Welcome to the club. However, there is never an excuse for bullying. Never.
Bill, that is sad that you agree with everything Brett says for the sole reason that you've known him for 12 years.
I had the same feelings that Brett had when I wasn't fully out of the closet and cared what people thought of me and who I hung out with. Then I grew up.
I live outside two small towns that straddle a western stateline and combined they have less than 2500 souls.
My best friend is exactly the kind of guy that Brett is targeting. He's effiminate and shows his cards the minute he opens his mouth. But he has more courage than just about anyone I know. He lives openly as a gay man in a backwaters rural community---which truly takes a pair. In my book, he is the definition of man up.
For this honesty, he is respected by some of the most manly dudes on the planet and whether it's tribal members or long time residents, everyone loves him with the lone exception of a bunch of bitter old hags on the county fair committee (More on that in a minute).
I sometimes have to prove to people that don't know me, I'm gay because I don't fit the stereotypes. Yet I've always thought it ironic that the so-called "queen of the valley" is better at turning a wrench than either I ( a former trucker) or most of our local Cabela's addicts. But he is not trying to be someone he's not.
He is such a fierce competitor at the county fair---taking "best of" in exotic Rooster breeding, flower arranging, Quilting, and Canning that the old hags on the fair committee secretely began enforcing ancient rules they'd never enforced before---knocking my boy right out of the competition at this years fair after he won everything hands down the previous year.
Who ever heard of making altitude adjustments in canning as a disqualifier?
My boy vows revenge and next year those old hags are going down.
Sadly Brett is missing out on some amazing people, who although they may come equipped with a purse that falls out of their mouth everytime they speak---that purse is loaded with a dead on accurate hand gun---should you ever need someone to watch your back.
These haters need to get a life. Don't listen to them Brett! I have been reading your blog since 2005. You are a daily inspiration to me.
The manly sport of tennis. LOL. You go gurl!
Many different colors of the rainbow...one no better than the other.
Sure Kurt may not be your cup of tea and I am sure there are many out there who don't dig short, chubby old bearded men. but it makes neither less worthy of love!!
Mr. Brett,
You know that I love you all the way from me deepest recesses of that lump of coal some would call a heart...so I hope you take this in stride.
In fact I hope everyone does...
The character in question I think is vital for numerous reasons.
Gay Pride has always been over the top to push people further towards the middle and thus look at the advances that have happened.
Not enough for my liking but still advances have and are being made.
Not every character on TV or movies is indicative of who YOU are.
Lets look at a few shows out there; not everyone is the hot, slim, fit, blonde, kick-ass bitch in Chuck,
Not every black woman is like Brandy or er is it Brandi?
Not every woman is like Molly from Mike and Molly.
Not every man is like MacGyver. Fuck I have no idea what to do with a paper clip, toothpaste and a piece of string!
Sometimes it is important for that pendulum to swing way far to one side to get people to a happy medium.
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