Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Whatta I do?!

Sometimes I feel like Bunifa Latifah Halifah Sharifa Jackson -- a pole dancing meter maid from Hawthorne, California. I am just a rude, insensitive, and loudmouthed HO.

My reputation precedes me. Believe it or not, I really do have my head screwed on right. I have a good job, a car, a home, and no debt. I don't shop at Payless or wear 4" leopard print hooker heels.

While I am splashing around the dating pool, I am happily single. I am in no rush to settle down. Heck, I still have to figure out what kind of person I want as a partner.

Here is a good guideline:

1. HE must be a horndog. I workout too damn hard to let these muscles go to waste. Let's have fun with them! Ahem.

2. NO DRUNKS. I am sorry, but you are no use to me passed out each night. Sex with a passed out drunk is too close to necrophilia. Eww...

3. BE OUT. I will no longer accept dating anyone not comfortable in his own skin. While you think your sexuality is nobody's business, you are wrong. Your cowardly secret harms a relationship. I am not Pinocchio. I'll be goddamn if I let another person put me on a shelf whenever their family or straight friends come around!

4. I'M NOT YOUR PRECIOUS. While it feels good to be coveted, you can't be Gollum. I am happiest interacting with others. I am sad locked away in a trophy case. If you truly love me, then let me shine. What would Donna Fargo say? You can't be a beacon, if your light don't shine!

5. FUR. A furry face or chest helps tremendously. Grr...


Blogger cb said...

Are you SURE you aren't Gollum?? You sorta look like you could be brothers at the very least.


August 12, 2009  
Blogger Brettcajun said...

Yes, CB. I am Gollum and my precious is your Beyonce "Put a Ring On It" video. I am obsessed with your jiggly hip movements and bouncey dance steps.

August 12, 2009  
Blogger Will said...

Sounds like what I found (and have been ecstatic with for the last 12 years) and what I am myself.

Best of luck dating. If you're too much man for them, that's their problem--they should be so lucky. Make sure they're man enough for you!

August 12, 2009  
OpenID gvlrx7mes said...

I'm your man! Come to Greenville, SC and find out.

August 12, 2009  
Blogger Kelly said...

Damn... I fit the bill...well except the drunk part... but I am a happy easy drunk...oh..and Jeff...hmmmm???

August 12, 2009  
Anonymous DrRuss said...

This is one of the few times that I regret leaving Texas. If I still lived there, I could drive to you and we could have wild monkey sex for as long as you would have.

If you ever make it to NYC, the offer of WMS is still good.

August 12, 2009  
Blogger mikeinbama said...

You're so adorable...Who wouldn't want your big ole'ball of crazy on their arm?

August 12, 2009  
Blogger The Mutant said...

So, should I submit an application in writing, or...?

It's a reasonable list. Simple enough, nothing crazy or hard to comply with. Why the hell aren't there more men like you in Australia then? Even just one! Why is everyone elses list so filled with odd requests?

What aren't you telling us Brett? Ha ha.

August 12, 2009  
Blogger RG said...

OMG! Fly to Boston and marry me already!

August 12, 2009  
Blogger Ur-spo said...

Those are overall good rules. good luck with them!

August 13, 2009  
Blogger Homer said...

What, you told me you were into necrophilia! Make up your mind!!!

August 13, 2009  
Anonymous jimbo said...

Yeah, all of those requests are pretty reasonable guidelines. Your gollum analogy made me laugh. It's exactly what Tolkien would have wanted, to have a gay blogger see directly into the soul of the conflickt between a devolved hobbit and his ancient ring of evil.

August 13, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't want to speak for Charlene, but what in the hell is wrong with shopping "at Payless or wear[ing] 4" leopard print hooker heels"


August 14, 2009  
Blogger Blobby said...

Do NOT mock Payless. I get my Wolverine workboots there ($49.99) and they are the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned.

...and I can almost pull off 'butch' in them.


August 14, 2009  
Blogger Curtis said...

5 out of 5. Well I'll be.

August 15, 2009  
Blogger McDavid said...

Well I wish you luck Brett! Although from one gay to another... throw away your list for starters. I mean sure there are a few guidelines, the no drunks is a good one. But if things seem to be going along and you start yearning for a partner. Throw away the list. Just let it happen. I was with Tim 10 + years until he died, and he use to be a list person. LOL thank god he threw his away cuz we wouldn't have been together if he hadn't. And I want you to be happy and in love (when you see fit to settle down). Most people i know who are still looking and have not found... are folks with list. Just my little opinion. Until then keep up the great work and like you said HAVE FUN WITH IT. :0)

April 28, 2010  

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