Thursday, August 27, 2009

Mylie the Pole Dancer

My dialect always seems to draw unwanted attention. There could be a gaggle of queers at a table gabbing about this or that. The moment I utter a word, it's almost like time freezes still. You could hear a pin drop as curiosity gets piqued. In eerie unison, the Maryanns ask "What ARE you?" Gulp!

Whether I am in SF, Chicago or DC, it's always the same cruel routine. I hear them whisper, "OMG. He DOES talk like Sookie Stackhouse." They ask me to keep talking. Say "America". Bwahaha! Say "nuclear". Bwahaha! Say "Mmm hmm... I'm hungry!" Bwahaha!

Why am I bringing this up? Because tomorrow I begin a grand journey to the capital of the South... Atlanta, Jawja. Unlike me, the Heauxmeaus there have evolved into hardcore metro fags. They walk in Kenneth Cole shoes, wear Undergear shirts, and sport Andrew Christian underwear. As for me, I look like I just fell off the last turnip truck in Chickapen Parish.

I didn't go to some fancy livy-livered Yankee school like Dartmouth. I went to El Ess Shoe (LSU)... the best goddamn sports university in the country. Aiiieeeee! GEAUX TIGERS!

My host is telling members of his fag pack that I am his weekend stripper. That should blunt some questions. Atlanta, I'm coming and looking for a pole to dance on.


Blogger Kyle said...

THE only Native Atlanta Homo that I know .. is well, ME... and I live in upstate New York now. None of those metro atl gays are from there. So you just talk as slow and funny as you want and all those Ohio boys in atl can.. ( wait for it) Kiss your griods!

August 27, 2009  
Anonymous DrRuss said...

I didn't even know what Andrew Christian underwear was. Does that make me a bad gay

August 27, 2009  
Blogger RG said...

Yeeeaaaahhhh - try being a Yankee from Boston going to Goober-Land.

"Say 'park your car in Harvard Yard'!" Pfssssst - Sookie Stackhouse my ass.

Have a good time though and don't do anything I wouldn't do, which leaves you with A LOT of leeway my Furry Cajun Friend.

August 27, 2009  
Blogger Mark in DE said...

Don't you worry about those Atlanta boys in their Kenneth Cole shoes, Undergear shirts, and Andrew Christian underwear. Just be yourself, and work that Chicapen Parrish charm!

August 27, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AS a northerner who has no idea who Andrew Christian is, but who had his first man on man with a law professor at Georgia Southern, let me tell you that there are plenty of northerners who dig southern men and prefer them to our hometowns. The guy ruined me forever. A southern accent and I'm showing. Big time.

August 27, 2009  
Blogger Ken in MS said...

Ask them to come up with a better word for "y'all."

August 27, 2009  
Blogger Mike, Studio city said...

This OKIE says just continue to be yourself and let the metro sexuals be what ever they hope to be. Say cement. Hugs M & G

August 27, 2009  
Blogger Julius Seizure - Jim to my Peeps said...

Oh, man, you're accent's adorable. Tell the people who drive "Cah"s and open "Doe-ah"s to bite your juicy red... well anyway you know what I mean.

August 27, 2009  
Anonymous British Bear said...

Put this into some sort of perspective: nobody in America speaks ENGLISH anyway!

(Runs away before he gets hit by flying bricks)


August 28, 2009  
Blogger Ice John's World said...

There is nothing wrong talk like the way you are! It just gets you more attention! :) Have fun at Atlanta!

August 28, 2009  
Blogger JC said...

What's wrong with Sookie Stackhouse, she doesn't have any accent I can hear?

ps. I like the Tennis posts, even if they do come in a rant....

August 28, 2009  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Whenever I hear a "southern drawl", I automatically deduct 10 I.Q. points.

August 28, 2009  
Blogger cb said...

Livy-Livered?? That must be from some fancified LSV book lernin!

August 28, 2009  
Blogger Mathias N Oz said...

can't let RG and BC in a room together... that would b the verbal equivalent of matter and anti-matter.

August 28, 2009  
Blogger JC said...

Jeff, that's OK, when ever we hear a Yankee talk, we know to get our rubber boots on and find the shovels cause we'll be harvesting some fertilizer tonight!

but we will be doing it with a big smile on our face...

August 28, 2009  
Blogger RG said...

Mathias: Wadda you retahded?

August 29, 2009  
Blogger Blobby said...

now THAT is an out-call!

August 29, 2009  
Blogger Brent said...

hmm, i'm just thinking about you doing a Jiggy Dance with a stripper pole...please!

August 30, 2009  

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