Monday, August 17, 2009

Life in a Gay Bar

Robbed of the high school experience, we revel like teenagers in our bars. Welcome to a world of debauchery and decadence. You are either a Heather with attitude, sleazy slut, drunkity lush, mooching hustler or just plain ass insane. Some of you are all of the above.

Take me for example. I'm a girl-next-door with a sweet disposition and sunny smile. (think Sookie Stackhouse). Sure, I have haters. One fringe group has unsuccessfully tried to tag me with the moniker "evil midget". I squashed that effort by selectively sleeping with the power brokers. Call it ssslutty sabotage. I call it sssuper smart.

I hadn't been out at the Bourbon Pub in three weeks. By New Orleans standards, that qualifies me as "fresh meat". Within minutes of making my rounds, I got invited to two parties. I was feeling special.

Heck, a nice guy named Bruce even took a fancy to me and bought me a beer! Of course, that obligated me to totally make out with him at Lafittes in Exile. That's apparently where my morality has fallen to folks. Give me free beer and we'll make out! LOL.

Shortly after the public makeout session, I am approached by another guy. He has a friend that thinks I am special, but he is too shy to approach me. Hey, if someone is crazy enough to think I am special, I'll take the time to give free hugs and make conversation. I am just darn sweet that way!

Right as I am leaving Lafittes, I hear someone shout... "HEY YOU! COME BACK HERE!" I freeze and think, "WHATTA I DO?!" I twirl around and sheepishly ask, "Whoooo meeee?"

An older guy approaches me. You would have thought he was looking at Jesus Christ Superstar! Only it was me. Apparently, I let him do something tawdry to me at a trashy bar known for blowjobs years ago. While my mind was a total blank, he tearfully expressed how much he always cherished our moment together. Awkward!

I hung my head down in shame and went home.


Blogger David said...

We've all been there, no shame needed

August 17, 2009  
Blogger -Tony- said...

TRASH! You get put out at the curb and still get picked up!


Yes, we've all been there....and the feeling of shame doesn't last very long.

August 17, 2009  
Blogger Blobby said...

Note to self: buy Brett a beer.

August 17, 2009  
Blogger Mathias N Oz said...

Thank you Brent, for reminding me why I don't go to bars.

August 17, 2009  
Blogger Kelly said...

and who did you go home with to help you with your shame... you know you have to have someone to console you in your time of shame...

August 17, 2009  
Blogger The Mutant said...

Ah, misty, water-coloured memories!

He he he. Nothing beats a good awkward moment!

August 17, 2009  
Blogger jlo said...

I think of myself more like the Jason Stackhouse type but gay. So what happens if i buy you two beers?

August 17, 2009  
Blogger dickspot said...

Wasn't some Blogger, back in February, READING TO FILTH, all drunk bar-hoppers who indulged in licentious debauchery ?

Just fill us in on the "ground rules" of your Blog.... Because, obviously, you make up the rules as you go along, then BEND them as your current situation dictates.......

Hypocrisy is always ugly. But when brandished so shamelessly....... DAMN, GIRL...... FUCKING TAWDRY !!!

August 17, 2009  
Blogger Brent said...

I need to hang out in the bars you hang out in...Nothing like that ever happens to me in Phoenix.

August 17, 2009  
Blogger RG said...

What would the bars be like without "One Beer Brett"? Do they flip a coin to see who gets buy the first beer thus ensuring no sloppy make-out seconds? LOL

August 17, 2009  
Blogger Raybeard said...

Ah, nostalgia! I soon found that avoiding a particular bar just doesn't work - 'cos as well as yourself, everyone else looking for 'fun' is also bar-hopping!

August 18, 2009  
Blogger Brettcajun said...


I have been to the bars in Arizona. You guys have to live a little. Y'all are WAY TOO conservative compared to liberal New Orleans.


I only drank three beers. That does not make me a hypocrite. I just makes me better than you. ;)

August 18, 2009  
Blogger RG said...

And yet, you've never been to a gay bar in Boston - not that there are many left worth going to anyway.

You would genuinely then be "new meat".

August 18, 2009  
Blogger Mark in DE said...

Hmmm... some say "slutty", but I just call it "sexually generous".

Don't buy into other people's judgements.

August 18, 2009  
Blogger TonkaManOR said...

I wonder what you would do for a free six pack!??

August 19, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But you have a six pack...I've seen it on you stomach!

August 21, 2009  

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