Thursday, July 02, 2009

My Problem with Tubby People

America has a FAT problem. According to a Business Week article, there are four states where the obesity rates are over 30%. The blue ribbons go to: Mississippi (32.5%), West Virginia (31.2%), Alabama (31.1%), and Tennessee (30.2%). They are taking over our nation and will soon be the majority! Noooo....

When I pass a Tubby person, they'll typically make a snarky comment like: Eww... you are soooo skinny... why don't you let me buy you a meal? Steam rises. My face becomes flushed in crimson red. It takes every fiber of my being to not blow my top.


My first action is to take off my shirt. I demand an immediate answer: Do I look skinny to you?! The Tubby predictably says, Yeah... that's pretty gross!

My eyes flash in anger. Do you not see these pecs? I do the Hulk flex pose. What about these guns? I imitate the blogger formerly known as thisboyelroy. No response.

I swiftly unbutton my jeans and let them fall down to my ankles. You see how rock hard these quads are? I rotate a leg 90 degrees... What about these hamstrings? Or calves? I turn around and flex my back muscles.

To my utter dismay, I hear the Tubby let out a long drawn out yawn. Arggh!!!

Fine. I've won my share of beauty pageants. I know what it takes! I remove my Andrew Christian underwear, and began ferociously slapping my ass cheeks hard. You see this? You can bounce quarters off these babies! I even bend over to demonstrate just how fuckable that ass is.

Exhausted, I turn around to face my tormentor. He is jerking off... and his tongue is out. Son of a bitch! Fooled again. Tubby people are manipulative!


Blogger Larry Ohio said...

Hahaha!! You totally fooled me!

I was so ready to delete you from my RSS feed!

Thanks for the hard laugh. I can't wait to steal this joke and use it myself.

July 02, 2009  
Blogger -Tony- said...

I'd love to bounce quarters off your ass!

(I'm eating a donut right now!)

July 02, 2009  
Blogger Kelly said...

I think you should shoot a video on this all goes down...

July 02, 2009  
OpenID gvlrx7mes said...

Can't wait to see it all!!! - Markngvl

July 02, 2009  
Blogger Mathias N Oz said...

I agree with Kelly... we need a video re-enactment

July 02, 2009  
Blogger Mark in DE said...

LOL :-)

July 02, 2009  
Blogger Ultra Dave said...

Love the visual. LOL!

July 02, 2009  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Let's face it scappyboy, fat is where it's at!

(Just look how happy Homer is.)

July 02, 2009  
Blogger Damien NZ said...

I didn't find this funny.

Mind you - I'm fat so............

July 03, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tubby people are healthy people! Ever see a fat person with aids! When the plague first began it was the pretty people that went first!

July 03, 2009  
Blogger RG said...

Manipulative my butt. You LOVE taking your clothes off.

July 03, 2009  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Do we have to bring out the "Porky" Brett pictures? I can honestly say my waist never equaled my height.

July 03, 2009  
Blogger Ice John's World said...

Is this a bar trick that you try to teach us all? :)

July 03, 2009  
Blogger Vixemale said...

I'm sorry to have manipulated you in that way. But damn it was worth it to see that fine ass of yours.

July 04, 2009  
Blogger cb said...

Meh. I think Kate Moss has bigger pecs...

July 05, 2009  
Anonymous ScottyNYC said...

Speaking as a tubby person: THANKS for the instruction manual. Now I know what to say if I ever meet you!

Funny and Sexy as always!

July 05, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

be careful southern belle. you know how you talk about that bum knee of yours. one day you might injure it and be on the couch, only able to eat taco hell. then you too will experience karma and be laughed at. i don't know you personally, but somehow believe you have strong resentment towards chubby people..... not a happy fat person, and a "former" viewer of your blog.

July 07, 2009  
Blogger Brettcajun said...

I am sorry if I offended anyone by this blog post. My own father has been obese pretty much my whole life. He is 66 years old and is a perfect candidate for a heart attack. I worry about his health.

Because of my tennis hobby and adderall xr (for A.D.D.), I get told weekly that I am too skinny. That is just as bad as telling a fat person that he needs to lose weight.

So, please consider this blog post a mere push back to those "you are too skinny" taunts.

And please don't take anything I say or write too personally. Hmm... I should follow THAT advice myself!

July 07, 2009  
Anonymous Justin said...

Would love to see that anti-obesity commercial you are talking about. Next time I see you on the streets of RedStick I will be sure to mention how skinny your fine ass is! If you ever need a lipo donation, I will give you an injection...

July 07, 2009  

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