Friday, July 10, 2009

Cougars with No Gaydar


Have you ever worked in an office with all women? If you have, then you know they can be quite the chatty drama troop. You can forget trying to play the QUIET GAME... they flatout refuse to play!

Needless to say, I look forward to my lunch breaks. I can leave the office and recieve serenity for thirty whole minutes.Today, I chose to enjoy some peace and quiet at the local Wow - Cafe and Wingery. I was doing my usual... checking out ESPN sports highlights and fingering my preciousss iPhone.

I look up and see the cougar waitress staring down at me. GROAN. She has waited on me several times in the past. Unsweetened Ice Tea, right hon? There are no queeny hand gestures. No lisping. No high pitched squeals. I grunt out a manly one word response... "YES".

It can be quite a horrifying experience when a Cougar unknowingly pounces on a gay man. The signs: winks, fluttering of eyelashes, hand strokes through the hair, and long personal chats. You try not to panic and wonder where your gaggle of queers are when you need them!

Before I am given the chance to order, I am subjected to a ten minute speech about how difficult it is to find a good man. Instead of responding back... Oh, I know honey! They are just bassstardsss, I listen intently with a concerned look.

When I am finally allowed to order, I choose a large fried shrimp poboy. Instead of running to the kitchen with my order, the waitress notices that my iPhone is no longer cracked. I explain that I got a new one.

She then goes into excruciating detail about how she went to one of those cheap dollar stores four times last week looking for iPod accessories. We were talking about my iPhone and she is telling me about her iPod shopping extravaganza. Oh goodie! I get to learn with bated anticipation what she found shopping in each of those four trips! :/

Thankfully, my meal arrives quickly and I gobble it up. The waitress then announces that she is giving me a complimentary bread pudding. I thank her. She stands there and asks if I like it. I smile back and let her know that I do! She tells me how they make it. I am like... "Ohh... interesting!"

I pay my bill and leave. I am now pouting that I didn't get my 30 minutes of peace and quiet.

17 Comments:

Blogger RG said...

Oh you poor, poor man. To be so attractive, you're hit on all the time by men AND women. Crocodile tears baby. Crocodile tears.

July 10, 2009  
Blogger -Tony- said...

I wonder what she was really checking out.....huh?

July 10, 2009  
Anonymous Justin said...

Poor Brett...I know how you feel...I used to work in a 100% girlie office...you just want to shout "WHO CARES! Shut UP for Heaven's sake!". Never had the opportunity to be hit on by a cougar at World of Wings...but I am sure that it would rank right up there with the wait staff at Waffle House or Denny's. You should have asked her if she had a younger brother ;) ...next time go to hooters. Still get ESPN, and the girls there have pretty good gaydar I have found.

July 10, 2009  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Justin - I watched a Super Bowl at Hooters with my FOUR brothers and I was the only one hit on.

July 10, 2009  
Blogger mikeinbama said...

That's hilarious. The best way to kill a cougar is to tell her she's old enough to be your mother.

Cute story. It happens to me all the time and I just listen to them as well. I take it as a compliment.

Remind me to tell you about the time I didn't get charged for groceries because the cougar was in attack mode.

July 10, 2009  
Blogger heat said...

I had the same situation just last night with a girl I've never worked with before. A little bit of chatter and before I know it I'm receiving touches and laughs at every damn stupid thing I say. Haven't had a woman attracted to me in a long time, was pretty different.

July 10, 2009  
Blogger Mathias N Oz said...

You got FREE bread pudding and you complain?

And fried shrimp poboy... is that southern thing?

July 10, 2009  
Blogger RG said...

Mathias: A poboy is a sub, as we Yankees call them. A very delicious sub, btw.

July 10, 2009  
Blogger hbjock said...

Awww sorry to hear it. Hopefully you'll have a better lunch tomorrow...

July 10, 2009  
Blogger cb said...

I had a cougar at my old gym leer at me every time I was there. And she was the kind who still wore spandex and a thong on the outside.

GRRR-Osss!

July 11, 2009  
Blogger cb said...

And RG... what's a 'sub'? Do you mean a "grinder"?

July 11, 2009  
Blogger Mike, Studio city said...

If I was your waiter, you would get more than bread pudding for free.

July 11, 2009  
Blogger Mark in DE said...

The best way to keep women from flirting is to act really gay around them.

July 12, 2009  
Blogger Ice John's World said...

There is nothing you could do. Good looking comes with responsibility! LOL

July 13, 2009  
Blogger ryan charisma said...

Happens all the time to me on the subway here in NYC. I get the "cougar stare" as I call it. Why oh why don't the gays leer like that on the subway.

I just tell them "I'm gay."

July 13, 2009  
Blogger ricola said...

;), you poor guy.

PS, Guys on Magazine has the best
fried shrimp po boys.

July 22, 2009  
Blogger Yours Truly said...

Poor thing!!! I'm sure it was just awful being hit on and getting free stuff from someone...and in your case it really was free, you don't have to hit the sheets with her like she would if the roles were reversed...

July 24, 2009  

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