During this holiday season, it is always a good time to reconnect with old friends and make amends to those we may have been bastardly to. Last night presented me with such an opportunity.
E.Shrew and I decided to hit the Bourbon Pub. As soon as we walked into the Pub, I hear "WELL... HEY MICHAEL!" I turn around and it is none other than the dastardly Captain Chaos
I swung around with a steely gaze, "You can't say 'hey' to me bitch?" CC responded less than enthusiastically, "Oh, hey Brett." It was not quite the reception I am accustomed to. Despite the slight, I went ahead and gave him a smooch on the cheek.
You see...CC and I used to run around five years ago. I met him when my previous five year relationship was failing. CC was the most colorful individual I had ever met. That's a nice way of putting it. Since I had a penchant for bad boys, something about CC attracted me to him.
If CC was Captain Chaos, I was Desperina the Gay man. My morals probably reached a low point at this time of my life. The present me would harshly judge
that past me. I was a BIG GAY MESS in those days. CC and I had a complete falling out as friends. It was ugly.
As I silently reminisced about our past friendship, E.Shrew and I were captivated by the fun videos that were playing. When I saw CC ordering drinks nearby, I decided to fuck with him. I raised up my beer and pointed to the brand name. CC looked up, cut me eyes, and ignored the suggestion that he buy me a beer. I giggled at my mischievousness.
When I finally downed my Bud Lite, I signaled to E.Shrew that I was ready for a refill. Now mind you, I am not a cheap bastard. It was E.Shrew's turn to buy the next round. Within seconds of walking up to the bar, E.Shrew suddenly spins around beaming. He is only holding one beer.
I was like, "Where is my beer?" He rudely responds, "Get your own goddamn beer. Someone bought me mine!" I was stunned. There was CC standing across the bar smiling like the Cheshire Cat. You bastard! Where is MY fucking beer?!
I stewed as my panties tied deeper and deeper into knots. I am sure you can imagine the sight. I pouted until I just couldn't take it anymore. I swirled around the Pub until I found my tormentor.
In my best self-righteous voice, I let CC know there was a special place in hell reserved just for him! He was nothing but all smiles through the lively tongue wagging. The fact that he had an adorable young BF next to him made me hate him even more.
Ten minutes later, a bartender approaches me and subserviently bows his head. In a deadpan delivery, he whispers, "Someone has asked that I give this to you." I smirked that I was finally getting my way. The cruel truth was that in my hands lay nothing but a used and empty beer bottle! E.Shrew busted a gut laughing. I was quite livid. Steam rose out of my ears like I was Yosemite Sam just punked by Bugs Bunny.
That is it! I marched across St. Ann to make a special purchase
at a nearby speciality shop. If we are in a present giving mood, I will give that MOFO a present! I found the same bartender and asked him to deliver it to the person who gave me the empty beer bottle. It was a soap labled "Super Bitch". That will serve him right.
Not five minutes later, the bartender came forward with another gift for me. This time it was the gift of ..."I'm Super Slutty!" Bath Oils. You son of a bitch! Who are you calling super slutty? The nerve!
I marched my ass right back across the street to buy CC yet another present. This time, it was the gift of "Mental State Soap". The side of the box contained the writing... "I'm a prima donna!" Perfect for him. I wondered if the bastard was even going to get the hint of why I kept giving him soap? Once CC was given the "Mental State Soap", he turned bright red and couldn't control his laughter. The smile on his face was priceless!
That should do it. Surely, the steady stream of insulting presents will stop. I was wrong. Within five minutes, I was given yet another empty beer bottle with an "UP YOURS!" arm sticker AND a box of "Viagro" powdered body wash with hard as a rock formula
. Ahem... I have no problem in THAT department. But I didn't mind putting it my back pocket to save for later.
When the night was over, CC passed by and gave me a good spanking on the ass. I said, "OUCH! That hurts!" We smiled. It was the perfect send off to a unexpectedly funny night. Some people make amends in more traditional ways. CC and I make amends in the only way we know how. I couldn't help but smile a lot last night.