Sunday, November 30, 2008

I am NOT Sasha Fierce

As a blogger well known for doing "Jiggy Dances", I have been inundated with requests to do Beyonce's "Put a Ring On it". Do you realize how much hard work that is for someone with A.D.D.?! How could I possibly learn all those dance moves without making a complete ASS of myself? Besides, the nellieness of it all would be catastrophic to my blog career! Since you folks have been hammering me to do SOMETHING video related, this is what I came up with.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Family Time

When I am with my family on Thanksgiving, I always feel like Gobbles the South Park turkey. Although I am different from the rest of them, they have come to love me for who I am. For that, I am grateful.

For those of you lucky enough to celebrate Thanksgiving today with your family, enjoy the good food and togetherness. Use that opportunity to respect the kinship and tradition you have.

But don't forget about others who may have no family to go home to. If it is permissible, invite over those who may be spending Thanksgiving alone.

It is always during special times like this that I get sentimental. I realize how much I love my family and friends. So, here's a BIG HUG, SQUEEZE, and NIP TUG to all of you from me. MMmm... feels so good!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Your Slutty Ways Affect Us All!

Welcome to the hospital ward that is my workplace. We are all going through our second plague in less than a month. It never fails. One person gets sick. We all start dropping like flies... one by one.

I swear to God, I felt like slugging a co-worker yesterday. Here I was fixing their umpteenth computer issue because he is a dumbass when I felt him coughing on me. This co-worker only covers his mouth half the time.

No amount of hand sanitizer works when you are coughed on. Even the emergency trick of holding your breath for 30 seconds and vacating the workspace immediately. Not that I am a germaphobe or anything.

So now I have a stuffy nose... again. Son of a bitch! Without the Shrew, I was so looking forward to being extra "friendly" during the four day holiday weekend. It's now all ruined! Curses.

As soon as I get better, I will poke my index finger and wag my tongue at the single person that always seems to start the plague. I'm going all judgemental when I condescendingly tell her, "Look Missy... your slutty ways affect us all! Can you lay off kissing on so many strangers next weekend?!" Hide and watch.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Weekend Road Trip

Hi, ya'll... I am back from Houston, Texas. Yeehaw! While the Shrew is away in the south of France, I decided to spend the weekend with some good buddies. I have been to Texas more times than any other state in the union. I don't care if Texas is public enemy #1 by the gay liberal elite, SIZE MATTERS.

This picture was taken with my new 3G 16 gig iPhone. Yes, I am now an iFag! The ability to take photos and email them, text message, browse the Internet, pick out music to blare on my stereo, and watch that pulsating blue dot on the GPS map excites my A.D.D. self. So far... no wrecks!

Here are my furry rugrats on the trip:

When we arrived in Houston, we unloaded at Coach Tim's very clean house. Boudreaux and Pierre are getting more comfortable around his chocolate brown Labrador. Now, my Dachshunds only snap at him once every five times he sniffs their butts.

I spent most of the weekend playing tennis with buddies. It was a great time to get playing experience against Kevin, Brian D., Jacob and Rodney. I even got the honor of playing Richard, the recent HouTex B Singles Champion. I'll chalk up the results of my tennis play over the weekend as "good".

Coach Tim and I spent Saturday afternoon pigging out at Escalante's Mexican Restaurant, watching LSU lose to Ole Piss and then seeing Oklahoma disembowel Texas Tech. Yeah... we are just butch that way! Grunt. Scratch.

By the way, when did I become the de facto spokesfag for LSU? OMG. If I hear one more person tell me how sorry they are that LSU sucks this year, I am going to RIP THEIR HEAD OFF! Try me.

LSU is the ONLY school to have won two BCS National Championships (2003 and 2007). We have to let those starved suckers like Bama try to win it for once! Ya'll should feel more sorry for Michigan (losing so badly to cream puff Ohio State) and Notre Dame losing to that God awful school called Syracuse. And don't even get me started about the joke that is the Apple Cup.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Thumbing My Nose Up at Thee!

I have tried to conform to a sanitized standard set forth by the Gay Mafia Bloggers, but I can't stand it anymore. You have made me boring! From now on, I am back to blogging exactly what's on my mind. I don't care how fucking crazy it makes me look.

I am sorry that my tennis posts make you people feel like lazy sacks of shit. Fuck you nonathletic people! Do you know how many times I yearn to write about my conquests and defeats, only to be muzzled? Too many goddamn times! I am busting out from the shackles of your theocracy! No longer will I hide my perverse nature anymore.

My Heresy:

Last night, I was determined to put an end to a miserable losing streak against a cunning foe. I arrived on the tennis court feeling like a bad ass... ready to impale my tormentor. I started the match by opening up a 2-0 lead in the first set. My foe was stunned as he always opens strong. (It is not unusual for him to take the first set 6-0.) I knew the only chance to win was to play uptempo and cocky. I wanted to mess with his head, so I made wisecracks whenever I won a hotly contested point. He was fuming. The strategy seemed to be working because he got the red ass, but he fought back to win the first set 6-4.

In the second set, I went up 3-2. I just needed three more wins to force the third set. In every game I won, I fought a long tough battle. In each game I lost, I played recklessly and had too many errant shots. I ended up losing the final four games in disgrace. Afterwards, my opponent suggested I get help with my flaccid backhand as I hung my head down in shame. Hmpfh! WHY do I keep losing to someone that is considerably older than me? I just can't stand it!

As God is my witness, I will plot and practice relentlessly until my tormentor becomes my Whipping Boy. He will rue the day! EVIL GRIN.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Who's That Girl?

One by one, my former classmates showed up to celebrate our 20 year reunion on Saturday night. Nearly everyone had a spouse in hand. I was Shrew-less on this occasion, but I was in good company with my twin brother and his new girlfriend. Before we talked to anyone else, we downed a few beers to get our liquid courage up. I secretly knew that I was going to be fine.

It was amazing how I was able to correctly identify most of my classmates even though twenty years have passed since I last saw them. It was only the rare occasion where I had to ask, "Who is that Girl?" The beautiful hairdos on the females were a stark contrast to the I-don't-want-to-miss-the-bus ten minute hairdos I remembered back in the day.

When the clock struck 8pm, we were all given name tags with our Senior class yearbook photo. Yuck. I looked like a malnourished twerp! Before I could dwell on how I hated my photo, a girl named Chere' approached me and announced that I was her date for the night. (She used to date my twin brother.) Ahem.

The first person I met was my Kindergarten girlfriend. She was sporting "chemically enhanced" blonde hair. She introduced me to her husband and showed me pics of her young boys. She even married a guy that had the same first three letters in his last name as I did! LOL.

Afterwards, I walked up to an Asian friend of mine. He introduced me to his beautiful wife and announced that I was his best friend in High School. Apparently, my memory has become so jaded that I stuffed some good things away. He WAS my best friend in High School! We reminisced how we used to study together in the library and all the times I played basketball at his house. This reunion was turning out to be good for lost memories.

Chere' was back in my arms. Whoops. Did I accidentally ditch her? She made sure that I didn't forget again by keeping her arm intertwined with mine. It was actually okay to have company. Who really wants to go to one of these things alone?

So, we walked around together arm-in-arm meeting others and taking pictures. I probably gave everyone the wrong impression that I am a closeted straight person.

Well, there was that one time on the dance floor where I was scolded for twirling around too many times. My embarrassed brother told me that I was giving myself away!

At that point, his girlfriend screamed... "Let's make a Brett sandwich!" So, here I was bumping and grinding on the dance floor with two girls. I could see the full-mouth-open expression on the faces of my classmates. They were probably saying, "Who IS that Girl?" too.

Originally, I had only planned to spend two hours at the Reunion. I was having so much fun, that five hours passed lickity split. Chere' and I even went to a nearby bar and continued on with our date dancing to a band until midnight! Yep. My Mama and Daddy would have been so proud of their gay son.

The best part of the experience was seeing how much I had changed. I was now armed with social skills. My classmates were able to see the person who I had become. For someone who used to be so quiet (Chere's word was "stuck up"), I was able to show them my true personality. I encourage you all to go to your very next class reunion. You will not regret it.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Tsk. Tsk.

Ugh. Am I now becoming one of those mature bloggers? It may surprise you, but sometimes I find myself reflecting and frowning on my past shenanigans in the blogworld. It often leads to me to say in a very scornful tone... "Tsk. Tsk."

I used to be the Sara Palin of bloggers. I whored for attention. Beauty pageant walking over substance ruled the day. Today, you would most likely find me leaning towards substance like Andrew Sullivan, who is WOOFY in my book .

Does this mean I am finally growing up? Or am I just getting too damned old?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My High School Reunion

My 20 year High School Reunion is this Saturday. No, I didn't graduate from The School for the Socially Retarded & A.D.D. Afflicted. I actually graduated from a public school. My High School was segregated by brain power, so I was somewhat sheltered by being in the honors program.

I spent most of my time at High School doing homework and studying in the library. I was nice to others, but very shy. Back then, there was no Facebook or an Internet to easily make connections to others just like me. Being gay made the whole High School experience quite horrible because I was the only gay person I knew.

I envy the young people today who are able to go to progressive schools built just for gay people. Do you realize how lucky you are? Can you imagine how much self esteem can be built up going to a school specifically built for gays? That's reality now in New York, Milwaukee, and coming soon to Chicago. I didn't have that option in High School. It was more like a horrible game of ... Which One of These is Not Like the Other?

Which is exactly why I don't want to go to my High School Reunion. I was the odd duck. High School was a traumatic period of time in my life that has left my psyche scarred. What if I go and feel these same haunting feelings come back?

This is precisely why I skipped my 10 and 15 year class reunions. My twin brother told me later that there were lots of people asking about me. I was quite surprised they even remembered me. He said they kept telling him that they always remembered how nice I was.

Hmm. Being nice certainly didn't help me make very many friends back then. In retrospect, perhaps my own insecurities sabotaged the only chances I had of forging friendships. What if it was really me choosing to isolate myself away from others because I feared being rejected for being different?

A part of me feels like I should take the chance to go back in time and mend my present life with the shadow of my past. After all, I am a totally different person today. Since coming out in 1993, I experienced a burst of happiness and found many new friends. I am now a confident gay man who no longer flinches when asked the question as to whether I am married or have kids. I am no longer the duck that is so odd. Maybe going to the reunion will heal my past wounds. I will never know if I don't take the chance. Hmm.


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

No More Living in Denial

I know the blogosphere has been dying to read my reaction to LSU's dismal season. Yes, we lost to Alagoddamnbama over the weekend in OT. I haven't drank away that fact from my memory. I watched most of the game on my DVR last night. The LSU Tigers have arguably the worst QB in the nation. Freshman Jarret Lee seems to throw more interceptions than touchdowns. Six of the fourteen interceptions have been returned for TD's this season.

LSU was blessed with great quarterbacks (Rohan Davey, Matt Flynn, Matt Mauck) in recent years, but we got very thin at the position when LSU Coach Les Miles kicked THUG BROTHA Perriloux off the team. I was personally glad LSU got rid of Perriloux. He was a horrible image for the university. And it's not because he is black! It was the fights, not going to practice, not going to class, counterfeit money laundering investigations, trying to get on a Riverboat Casino, a failed drug test, etc.

So Alabama finally ended LSU's 5 game win streak against them. Whoopty Doo. Congratulations for rising up from the ashes of second tier status. Enjoy your ride to the SEC Championship, before Florida beats the shit out of you and goes on to win the BCS National Championship. I hate to say it, but LSU fans are now Gator fans. Bama must be knocked down a peg. Why all the Bama hate? Probably because I am not used to Bama fans being so cocky in November.


Monday, November 10, 2008

Back from Houston, Ya'll!

Here I am pictured with the very athletic Andrew from Austin who is wearing the opposite Addidas outfit. We thought the contrast was quite funny in our second round matchup. Is it just me or does Andrew look mightily happy to have his arms around me? Look closer. LOL. Andrew has the exact same tennis game of the foe that eliminated me in Dallas last month. I must develop an answer for this type of play. Grr...

Needless to say, I am quite proud of my tennis play. This was the second tournament playing in a higher division. By winning my first match, I got as many points (100) as I would have received winning the Championship in the lower division. 

All was not lost, however, as I received many accolades from fellow tennis players on my new skills. That made me feel proud of all the effort I have put into my game. 

I would like to thank Coach Tim and his darling Niece for making our stay in Houston a pleasurable one. Coach Tim is the guy that first got me into tennis five years ago, and I have been hooked ever since! I may very well be going back to Houston in a couple weeks (while the Shrew is away in Europe) to challenge my former Master!  ;)

Sunday, November 09, 2008

HouTex Tennis Tournament

On the first day of the HouTex Tennis Tournament, all three of us (me, Monte, and E.Shrew) won our first round matches. Unfortunately, we were all beaten in the second round shortly after. The funny thing about tennis tournaments is that you can feel like you are on top of the world one moment, then like a BIG LOSER the next. Why we keep coming back for more is beyond me!

It was at this tournament that I rolled out a new doubles partner (Monte), whose height advantage would make up for my SHORTcomings. We played a real tough doubles team last night and consistently fed them the ball at the net. That's NOT a good thing. We got beat 6-2, 6-3. So, we tucked our tails between our legs and promised to play better in the Doubles Consolation Tournament today. To be "Consolation Queens", we will have to win three doubles matches today in pro sets and win a regular match in the finals tomorrow. Wish us luck!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Furry Love

Having a family pet is good for the soul. I have two furry rugrats... Boudreaux and Pierre. It's important to me that I give them as much unconditional love as they give me. I love them with all my heart and always enjoy our cuddling time together.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Thoughts About Last Night:

First of all, let me state that I really should have put on some Lancome Eye Protection last night before I went to bed. I have a rare case of hound dog eyes this morning. Ugh. Trust me... it may be common for you, but it is really rare for me.

The Presidential race did not surprise me. I knew Obama was going to win. Admittedly, Louisiana's strong support for McCain was a bit embarrassing. I could just hear all of you hissing when the various news outlets called my state for McCain.

That text message I got saying, "YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER!" from Greg (who was sitting at TJ and Rob's house) was really sweet. I can't help that the people in my state are really stupid. Thank God, Democrat Senator Mary Landrieu won her re-election bid to the U.S. Senate. Yeah!

My biggest disappointment, however, is that it appears that Proposition 8 will pass in California. You have two groups to blame for this: Mormons and African Americans. Both groups are known to be hostile to gay rights.

The Mormon Church (LDS) launched an aggressively funded campaign to deny our right to marry. Their political activity violates their tax-exempt status and it should be revoked. (along with any other Church that flagrantly supported Proposition 8) I say we actively campaign to the IRS and strike back!

It is also well known that affording rights to gays falls on deaf ears in the African American community. Most African Americans do not equate "gay rights" with civil rights. Exit polls and voting records do not lie. Just look at the data coming out of California. Do you mean to tell me that you can't practice toleration after years of being denied rights yourselves? Shame on you!

Or have you forgotten about civil rights?

Monday, November 03, 2008

Why We Must Elect Obama as the 44th President of the United States:

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time we get back to the core values of what it means to be an American. We have lost many freedoms in the name of patriotism and fighting terrorism under the Bush doctrine.

The typical middle class American family has been assaulted and reduced to servitude at the mercy special interests like Big Oil, the pharmaceutical industry, and our gluttonous health insurers. We have all been enslaved one way or another to where we are far worse off than any previous generation of Americans.

I was approached today by a woman who asked me who I was voting for. She was very displeased when I told her I was voting for Senator Obama. She asked me, "WHY?". I told her that ever since our country invaded Iraq, fuel prices and our national debt have skyrocketed. She asked me if I would rather fight the war in the Middle East or on our own soil. I told her I already feel conquered economically by the Middle East.

She then tried to ask me what I thought about Obama's "redistribution of wealth". I told her that it meant a tax cut for me because I don't make over $200,000 a year. Furthermore, I could no longer afford the very real taxes of a Republican administration. Ever since Cheney had a secret meeting with oil executives and our country invaded Iraq, gas prices have gone up to where it was costing me $72 each time I filled up my vehicle.

I even did the math for her on my calculator: $72 x 8 times a month = $576 in my monthly fuel usage. I figured out for her that it cost me $6,912 annually to fuel my vehicle, which most of the travel is to and from work. She had no response.

So who am I trusting to reverse our misery? Our only real choice is to elect Senator Obama as our next president. I am also voting for Louisiana's Democrat Senator Mary Landrieu in hopes that the Senate will further tilt to being filibuster-proof. The death knell of the Republican party cannot come soon enough for me.