Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Somebody Got a Haircut Today!



I had planned to get a haircut right before next week's Dallas tournament, because every gay person knows HOW YOU LOOK is 40% of your ability! Unfortunately, I couldn't stand my Bozo the Clown look anymore. Paul Mitchell Dry Wax can only work so much magic! So, I broke down and got my hair cut today.

Monday, September 29, 2008

The World According to Brett


Good morning America! What a beautiful Monday morning in south Louisiana. Do you know that the LSU Tigers are now #3 in the AP Poll? Yep! How BAMA leapfrogged LSU is beyond me, but us Tiger fans will have a lot to say about that on November 8th. Trust me.... the SEC Nation is NOT happy about the resurgence of Alabama, which is coached by Satan himself.

Besides loving the drama of college football, I spent my weekend doing my part to keep America's obesity rate from hitting 100%. That's right you buffalo butts. I have played tennis 17 out of the last 20 days. That is INSANE, but I am gearing up for the Texas Open 2008 in Dallas on Octber 11-13th.

In the Big D, I will be staying with the ever charming Francisco and his hot jalapeno partner. They both are of the Hispanic persuasion, which is dangerous because I have a fondness for it. Hispanics are mostly "exotic" in Louisiana, but you do see more of them coming across the border from Texas. Francisco is quite the formidable tennis player himself. I just hope we don't face each other in the finals, because I wouldn't want my iced tea laced with ex-lax or something.

For this tournament, Whipping Boy and I will once again do our comedy routine as doubles partners. All joking aside, we have advanced out of the first round in the last two tournaments. We have yet to put a major dent in a bracket together though. I will be cracking a whip on him in these next two weeks. The time to solidify the team is NOW!

One more thing... I was quite the bitter fag when I read news that Scarlett Johansson married Ryan Reynolds over the weekend. It felt as if Scarlett just pissed in my Lucky Charms. BITCH! Get your hands off my man. He's mine! Am I the only gay man in mourning over this news?

Friday, September 26, 2008

Oregon State KILLS the Beast!


Every year, California's beloved USC is exhalted to #1 in the polls. It makes us, in the South, spit out a wad of tobacco in disgust because we all know it's bullsheet. There aint nothing but dem der tree loving hippie liberals all up and down the west coast. What do they know about football?

Oregon State beats #1 USC 27-21. Hell... you Beavers may have the same size stadium as my High School, but goddamn I love you! Congratulations on dethroning media darling USC once again.

After the TCU Horned Frogs beat Oklahoma this weekend, the SEC will have the #1 (Georgia), #2 (Florida), and #3 (LSU) teams atop every poll in America. The Golden Era of SEC Football will be continued. Hallelujah!

I do feel sorry for fans of the Tenneessee Volunteers. While the Gold Rush continues for many SEC football programs, the Vols have crashed. If misery loves company, it also sucks to be a fan of Arkansas, Mississippi State, and South Carolina right now.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I AM JUDGING YOU


Something is starting to bug the hell out of me. Being forever young as a "man-boy" has always suited me just fine. Nowadays, you'll likely find my mouth having no trouble reading people with some brutal honesty. Where has my filter gone? Have I outgrown it? What has so emboldened me to where I now feel entitled to read a friend as I see fit? Am I becoming ornery and jaded? Or is it something else?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Folly of Rushing to Bailout Wall St


If I were a Senator, I would be very careful about my support in rushing to bailout greedy investment banks. Especially if George Dubya Bush is so adamant about it! Am I the only one that has suspicion from the sheer lack of details and the rush to pass legislation?

Pardon me for making this analogy, but the bailout unnerves me the same way the rush to the Iraq War did. We all know what happened there. There were no weapons of mass destruction found. It was all lies spread to scare Americans into supporting the war, enriching the defense industry, driving up the price of oil, killing hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqis, and ultimately creating a huge budget deficit. All spread from the screams of "WE MUST ACT NOW!".

I would be very leery before allowing Wall St. to dump their gambling losses on the American taxpayer. This is really going to be a SUCKY AMERICA for any child born today. When are we taxpayers going to stand up and say, "ENOUGH! LET THE GREEDY INSTITUTIONS FAIL!"? If I had a choice of spending $700 billion, I would personally rather that money go to making sure all Americans have health insurance.

Monday, September 22, 2008

You Frosty Non-Southerners


What a perfect weekend! With Fall now upon us, the temperature has cooled quite nicely. I had a pretty lazy weekend. I got to play some tennis and watch plenty of football. While the Florida vs. Tennessee game was a total snooze fest, the Auburn vs. LSU game lived up the hype. The LSU Tigers won a heartwrenching game in front of a very hostile Jordan-Hare Stadium. Way to GEAUX LSU!

I did enjoy seeing Keri Russell in The Waitress yesterday. This movie spoke to me. It was about ordinary country people having affairs left and right to get them through life. I actually got teary eyed near the end. The movie was written and directed by Adrienne Shelly, who also played "Dawn" in the movie. I was sad when I read that Adrienne Shelly was found murdered in 2006, before her film was accepted at the Sundance Film Festival in 2007.

Speaking of waitresses, I had to scoff as I read Judith Martin's (Miss Manners) advice in Don't Hug the Waitresses, even in the South. What is wrong with you people? Why are you so FROSTY? There is absolutely nothing wrong with a hug, a fanny pat or a nipple tug. We can give affection without it being a sexual thing.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Aubies: Worse than Scabies!

In the SEC, there is an established pecking order. We all know who rules the roost in the great state of Alabama. Psst... it's not Auburn! Someone has to be the BOSS. Someone has to be the BITCH. It is really as simple as that:


Apparently, winning a national championship in football is just not a priority either. The last time the Auburn Tigers won a national championship was in 1957. We will probably all be dead long before they win another one:


Spelling is obviously not a prerequisite for attending Auburn University. The only admissions requirement is to prove you are an expert cow chip tosser:

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Not My First Time at the Rodeo


Drama seems to ebb and flow in my life. When it comes back and bites me on the ass, nowadays I tend to just sigh and accept it with clenched cheeks. I look at those bite marks as a rite of passage for being a gay man. As I have gracefully aged, the more I have learned to not give a shit. I guess that's the ornery old man gene exerting influence.

Except for today. I feel so slighted, that I am giving the spirit of Joan Crawford complete permission to take possession of me and do a fine reenactment inside the Pepsi Cola boardroom.

What got my panties in a wad? I'll tell you! The new tennis league season starts tonight. Last season, I had the highest winning percentage (.75) in the league for the first five weeks of play. The league coordinators decided to move me "up the ladder" to play much stiffer competition. My winning percentage dropped, but I finished the season at #8 out of 72 players. It was quite a triumph for the little guy that put a lot of hours of hard work into improving his tennis game.

Yesterday, I found out that they are starting me at the LOWEST court level tonight. WTF!? How dare you bastards! Why just last week, I went a perfect 4-0 in the Round Robin Tournament making it to the highest court level anyone could attain. Everyone I beat last week is starting one or two court levels higher than me tonight. Arrggh!

There will be hell to pay for this royal snubbing. Don't make me carry my four tennis trophies to the league's opening night. Yes... I DO have the nerve when my pride is so injured! I plan on showing up on that court with an axe to grind and a can of whoopass. As Joan Crawford would say, Don't FUCK with me fella's!

UPDATE: I won my men's league's doubles match 6-1, 6-4. I was worried at first because my doubles partner said he hadn't played in three months. He had a great serve and we made a great team. :)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Auburn Fans: WE SMELL YOUR FEAR!


Now that hurricanes are out of the way and SEC teams are beginning their league football rivalries, I am turning my attention to college football. The reigning BCS National Champions, LSU TIGERS, travel to Jordan-Hare Stadium on Saturday to play the GAYEST team in the SEC... the Aubie Tigers! I can already hear the Aubie fans clapping and cheering to, "It's so Gay to be... an Auburn Tiger! It's so Gay to be... an Auburn Tiger!"

There is no other team, except for perhaps USC, that I loathe more than the Auburn Tigers. Auburn is like your ugly step sister. She is bratty and annoys the fuck out of you. You just want to punch her in the cunt and pull on her pig tails. Thank God, Alabama recruited Satan to start putting annual ass whoopings on the Aubies.


LSU once again has a strong football team this year. The 2-0 LSU team is currently ranked #6 in major polls. The only questionable area going into this game is the inexperience of Sophomore quarterback Andrew Hatch and redshirt freshman Jarrett Lee. If the offensive line protects them well, our defense and running game may carry us to victory.

Will 2008 be LSU's third BCS National Championship? (2003, 2007, 2008?) Stay Tuned...


And ignore the ramblings of a mad and delusional Aubie named Patrick. CRAZY!

Bessie the Old Cow


Clank! Clank! Clank! Goes the old rusty cow bell. No one on the farm even bothers to milk your teats anymore, as your udder has long dried up. Instead, they somberly paint over your gray spots with the color black. Bessie... it is time we take you out in the pasture and shoot you.

All is not lost however. There is still time to ship your parts to China to make good use of you:

For dog treats. Happy Birthday, Homer, you old cow! ;)

Monday, September 15, 2008

Weathering Storms in Chickapin Parish


Reading the headlines today should scare you shitless. Ike has knocked out most of the electricity in the nation's fourth largest city of Houston, TX. The Dow is plunging (yet again) as financial storms wreck havoc on Merrill Lynch and Lehman Brothers. The only good news is that the price of a barrel of oil has dropped to a seven month low of under $97. It may fall even further.

In hard times like these, I think we Americans should take a good look in the mirror and once again embrace good old fashioned values relating to money. That starts with us all the way up to our government. If we don't learn to take care of ourselves and keep our financial houses in order, we will get washed away from storms brewing on the horizon. It is high time we go into hunker down mode.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Got Abs?

Friday, September 12, 2008

Are you looking for a Sugar Daddy?


Be honest. Would you ever place an ad looking for a Sugar Daddy? I saw this advertisement after making a visit to Best Gay Blogs. It is quite hilarious reading the needs and wants of Sugar Babies. Are these young guys just glorified prostitutes or is there a moral justification for their ad placement?

I'll admit that I may have wanted a Sugar Daddy when I was in my 20's (a few years back). After I graduated from LSU, I landed a job at my family's business making a whooping $10 per hour. I had bills. I needed to move out and find my way in the fabulous gay world.

I would have actually considered having a Sugar Daddy at that time in my life to get the hell out of the country bumpkin place where I grew up! As you know... I am now an older gay still living in that rural place where the aroma of horse manure and the sound of roosters crowing is commonplace.

Just for kicks, I searched through many Sugar Baby ads to see if Durban Bud had a profile. Unfortunately, I could not find him on that site. So, I then proceeded to see if Big Jeff from Ohio had an ad looking for a Sugar Baby. Dammit to hell. I couldn't find his ad either!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Deflower Me Now



Deflower me now
Blow your hot breath on my ear
My skin, your mettle

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

When You Fail to Read the Tea Leaves...


...you really end up looking like a dumbass. I am actually feeling sorry for Obama. You got outmaneuvered and outflanked by Republicans. It's your own damn fault for not picking the one VP candidate that everyone was pining for... Hillary Clinton. 

You didn't want to share the limelight with the flashy Hillary, so you chose the dull Biden. But it's too late brainiac. You made your erroneous pick and you can't just dump him now! 

Thanks to you, McCain and the Republican Party now look like geniuses. Way to go Obama! I warned you of the dire consequences in not making the correct choice. Now your poll numbers have been falling ever since.

Choosing Sarah Palin was quite the excellent Sith move.  As brother boy would say, CAN YOU SEE MY PUSSY NOW?

Editor's Note: I am not voting for McCain/Palin, but I do enjoy saying "I told you so!"

Monday, September 08, 2008

The Deep Divide of the Human Condition

Sometimes going through hell can bring you some divine truth and clarity. Even when your very survival is at stake, your blindfold can rip off and you see the broader picture.

In my case, I witnessed some silly human behavior. I was desperate to evacuate somewhere. I could not evacuate to my other half's condo in the French Quarter because his parents were staying at his place. Since he is not "OUT" to them, I was shit out of luck.

In fairness to the Shrew, my father has some growing up to do as well. My parent's electricity was being run by a generator. My dad didn't mind me sleeping at his place as long as I didn't bring anyone else. Now, how do you suppose the Shrew would react to that? It would probably hurt a little. Two sides of the same coin if you ask me.

Thank goodness for Brian and Greg. I probably don't tell those guys enough how much I appreciate them, but I sincerely do. A BIG HUG for those guys putting up with me and my dogs for the past five days. I am eternally grateful!

The Fury of Hurricane Gustav



This was the very last video I did of Hurricane Gustav before my Mac Book Pro's battery died. You can really see the high winds in this video. The video was taken from my back porch over looking my parent's old house (abandoned) and the race car shop. If my "tree house" would have been blown away... this would have been the last historical record of me. Enjoy! ;)

Friday, September 05, 2008

Misery Before Light

I have to be honest with you. It has been pure hell. Let me paint a picture of what Louisiana is going through. While big media reporters converged on New Orleans to capture Hurricane Gustav's fury, the city has escaped relatively unscathed. The biggest blow to New Orleans is economic as businesses closed and workers fled.

The worst damage actually happened to the power grid of Parishes west of New Orleans all the way up to Baton Rouge. Without electricity, people cannot buy food or gas. For those of us living in rural areas, we cannot run our water pump without electricity. The few businesses that are open are being run on generators.

As you can imagine, there are cars stretched out for miles to fuel up. Gas is being rationed and limited to only 10 gallons per vehicle. Your VISA, Mastercard, and even American Express are worthless. Cash is the only form of payment being accepted.

Just think about it. You cannot drive to work because you are afraid you'll run out of gas. While you may have stocked up on a week's worth of canned goods, you are now frightened because they tell you it may be a month before electricity is restored to your home. You are running out of food, gas, and money. The misery index is indeed high for those of us that live in the Baton Rouge area.

I am fortunate that my suffering ended yesterday. My buds, Brian and Greg, have graciously allowed to me evacuate to their home in the Marigny. It is a beautiful house that sits just outside the French Quarter. They are even taking care of my dogs for me today while I am at work.

For those less fortunate, I hope no one goes hungry today. May your electricity and economic well-being be restored SOON! I am praying for you.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Reporting Live - Hurricane Gustav