Sunday, August 31, 2008

Riding Out Hurricane Gustav

Something Wicked This Way Comes




Well, I am back home awaiting the arrival of Hurricane Gustav. Every time I look at the projected path, it looks like it is heading right at my home Parish. Thankfully, it is far enough inland to withstand 20 foot tidal surges. The biggest potential for damage will be the 130 mph wind, falling trees, and tornadoes.

When Hurricane Katrina hit three years ago, I lost electricity for eight days. It's no fun being in the Deep South with our sultry hot weather and to be without air conditioning. Ugh. Stinky times. 

I'll ride this storm out with my furry rugrats Boudreaux and Pierre. They sense Daddy is nervous, but they don't know why. They have been extra snuggly to calm my anxieties.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Southern Decadence 2008






You would never know there was a hurricane brewing in the Caribbean. The gays from across the U.S. have come to New Orleans despite the threat from Hurricane Gustav. I was going to leave New Orleans tomorrow ahead of the "contra-flow" traffic plan, but now I am not so sure. Sometimes the news reports project the path going more west. Sometimes it seems to be going towards New Orelans. We are on pins and needles wondering who will get the brunt of the storm.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

What if Gustav Hits New Orleans?

Hurricane Katrina could not sink New Orleans three years ago. The Big Easy is slowly rebounding once more. But on the horizon is a new hurricane called Gustav, which threatens to drown New Orleans after all the sinning and debauchery that is Southern Decadence. I am praying it hits Texas or Mexico.



If Gustav does hit New Orleans, can we find any meaning from it? Will it be a coincidence? An act from God? Or something else?! Please vote in my poll:

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Ahem...



Adam asked, "Do you even read the news?"

Homer proclaimed: "Oh Brett. I believe in the tooth fairy too."

Tim wrote: "Note to self* never depend on Brettcajun for political advice. Sorry ain't going to happen."

Umm... clearing throat. Apparently, I was wrr... wrroo... wrooong. Sniff. Perhaps my pretty little head DOES serve as nothing more than a hat rack. Or maybe my hope that Obama would do the right thing, in light of the Florida and Michigan debacle, was expecting too much.

Not only did Obama just prove that he is a stubborn (and vengeful) jackass, he has effectively demonstrated the myth of his intelligence. We have just witnessed Obama's total lack of regard for the will of Democrat voters.

This strategic blunder effectively amounts to a career suicide that will plague him for the rest of his life. Hide and watch. I look forward to seeing Rome burn while Nero fiddles with the utter stupidity of his choice. 

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Obama Will Choose Hillary!



I am putting my blog reputation on the line here in stating that Obama will choose Hillary Clinton as his Vice Presidential candidate. And you know what a pristine reputation I have in the blogworld! You heard it here first folks.

Now, I am not privy to any special information. Nothing has been leaked yet. But I do know a lot about strategy and winning. Anyone with half a brain knows that Obama's only real choice is Hillary. Failure to make this correct strategic decision will end Obama's aspirations to be our next President.

I hope some of you bloggers that ridiculed me in the past are prepared to give my stubborn ass a good kissing. I am bending over right now. Pucker up doubting Thomases!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

De-friending the BF


I always thought that the happiest people on Earth have boyfriends. That's as wrong as CB in a sarong. I am convinced mine is trying to drive me crazy just so we can break up and he'll be single for Southern Decadence.

First let me confess my little obsession so you can understand the grievous nature of what the BF did wrong. I operate happiest in comfort zones. I spend so much of my time planning so unforeseeable things don't upset me in the future.

It is not unlike me to pack two extra pairs of socks, an extra boxer, two shirts and shorts just in case I decide to go to the gym AND play tennis on the same day. I know what you are thinking. Cracking knuckles. I can assure you that I am not crazy. I simply like to be prepared!

If you think I pack heavy on trips, you should see my drawers. Through the years, I have bought a ton of dress socks, white socks, and underwear so I am never caught in a horrible situation of being without. Unlike Moby, I wash and dry my clothes almost daily so their is no chance of not having any clean underwear or socks. Until now.

At an alarming rate, my shorts, underwear, and dress socks have been disappearing into thin air! Where in the fuck are all the boxers I own? I used to own six Boiish shorts, but now I can't find them anywhere! I searched frantically for my clothes to no avail. When I ask the BF, he'll tell me with a straight poker face that he does NOT wear my clothes. Although I never see him do laundry, he insists that he takes care of his own clothes. When?!

In the past month, I have asked the BF repeatedly whether he has seen my white Addidas shirt or many of my boxers. The answer is either "NO!" or "You should keep up with your clothes better!" Well, I went home for lunch yesterday and I was determined to find that shirt. I looked under every nook and cranny except the Shrew's room.

Just for the hell of it, I looked in his closet. Sitting neatly on a shelf hidden under his dress clothes were seven pairs of my shorts, five of my boxers and my white Addidas shirt! They were all clean and neatly folded. I WENT INSANE.

I spun around shrieking louder than Joan Crawford. WHY IS HE SQUIRRELING AWAY MY CLOTHES!?! WHY!? WHY!? If the BF was there at that exact moment, I would have probably choked him far better than Joan ever managed to do to Christina.

I immediately text messaged the Shrew, "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?! DRIVE ME CRAZY?!" He innocently replied, "What ever do you mean?" I told him that I had found my missing clothes AND my white Addidas shirt hidden in his closet!

The BF said, "Oh... yeah... I found that when I did clothes on Saturday." I was hyper-ventilating. "Why couldn't you at least tell me you found my white Addidas shirt?" He replied back, "Oh... it wasn't important to me at the time."

I blew a gasket. He has since been de-friended from Facebook. The jury is still out on the relationship.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Bliss of Relaxation


While my other half was away visiting family, I spent a rare weekend by myself at a nearby luxury resort in Mississippi. It was quite magical spending time alone. I didn't have any animals to look after. There were no tennis matches. It was all about enjoying a massage, a hot whirlpool and a eucalyptus infused steam room. It was heaven to my senses.

Just laying in my cool room with a king sized bed was peaceful enough. I further relaxed by soaking in a deep bathtub filled with hot water. My body had goosebumps as a sensation of extreme relaxation washed all over me. I meditated in the bliss of my environment.

Sometimes it is really okay to have a lazy weekend to recuperate from the stresses of life. I let myself do just that and I feel quite enriched from the experience. The rare solitude was quite welcome.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Is this Your Politician?


Rob has an excellent post that will make you think of the world in which we live in. WE TRULY ARE ALL ASSHOLES. Even you dear reader. Governments... bloggers... everyone.

It made me think of who represented the greatest of the assholes, and I came to the realization that it is our politicians. The wires in my brain went haywire as I typed the longest comment I would have ever posted on anyone's blog. When I realized I had my very own blog post, I decided to put my original comment here:

I have to say that it pretty much sucks to be an American this decade. We have caused the loss of so much innocent life in Iraq. As a country, we have forever lost any moral high ground for that invasion and the misery we inflicted on the people of Iraq.

I have been so disenfranchised with the Democrats since they have gained majority control of Congress. I bought into the idea that Pelosi would lead the charge to impeach Bush and Cheney. It never happened. We were told, "Well... they are on their way out come election time anyway." Okay... we have passive aggressive Democrats in charge.

Now it just seems that the Democrats are in bed with the Republicans. Only when we have a Congress controlled by Democrats and a Democrat as President will people see the truth of our "democracy". Nothing will change.

And do you know why? It's because lobbyists run the show. They own and rule our politicians, who are nothing more than whores. When you see a politician, throw them a chapstick and ask them how many lobbyists they had to blow today!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Brutality Knows My Stubborn Self


I am growling at my current physical condition. What in the hell was I thinking? How could my male brain not realistically know the grueling schedule would beat me to a bloody pulp?

Let's backtrack to yesterday. At 5:30am, I jumped out of bed and promptly drove to the gym for an hour upper body workout. After eight hours at my job, I drove to Baton Rouge for tennis lessons. The hour long lesson was more akin to military boot camp! With no rest, I immediately played a tennis match against a higher rated player (4.0-4.5) for two hours. We split our sets, but he was hobbling around too much to play the third and final set. I was all Gung-Ho and ready to slay the beast too!

In retrospect, thank God we didn't play that third set. I woke up one cranky MOFO. My right wrist, back, knees and ankles are now sore as fuck. I am moody. I probably shouldn't comment on blogs today or I'll be brutally judgemental. Well, I did make that one comment after someone injured my brain. But that was it.

I think some good quality time at a resort spa will do me well this weekend. Since I am flying solo tomorrow, I have already scheduled my therapeutic massage for 3pm. I look forward to the rejuvenation of my mind, body, and spirit. Until my male brain stubbornly stacks yet another day of brutality on me.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Miss Trailer Trash 2008


As Heidi Klum says, You either got it... or you don't! Ever since my Mama put me in the 1972 Miss Trailer Baby beauty pageant, I have always loved the camera and the spotlight.

My photogenic ways helped me win Mr. Bayou Grizzly 2006 in front of a packed house of 1,000 patrons at Georges in Baton Rouge. Sure, I slept with the judges like any aspiring beauty contestant would, but that's besides the point!

The top picture was taken exactly four weeks ago today. It depicts a leaner me from playing tennis 4-5 times a week. Since then, I have reduced tennis to three times a week and added working out twice a week. This change has actually helped me to serve harder without losing my arm strength towards the end of a match. It'll serve me well for the upcoming Texas Open 2008 in Dallas, TX. Yeehaw!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Olympics: Lean Body Mass Education

Surely watching the Olympics have made you all gawk at your televisions, right? I know we have gawked at the same thing... the leaness of our athletes. From Michael Phelps to the men's synchronized swimming teams, these boys have no fat but plenty of muscle tone.

We Americans should strive for flatter stomachs. It is sexy to see abs. If I can rest my beer on the top of your "shelf", then you are not doing enough cardio. You are not really "athletic".

Treadmills alone are not going to do the job. You need something more intense like: swimming, running, or tennis. Find something cardio related you enjoy and DO IT WITH INTENSITY!

Monday, August 11, 2008

I'm Digging It:

Retrofitting The Shrew's Nest Inn



The Shrew's Nest Inn, a 950 square foot batchelor's pad, is located in the heart of the historic French Quarter. It sits on the same street as houses owned by Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie and Nicholas Cage.

Through the years, we have accomodated lesser known celebrities such as: Coach Tim, Atari Age and Daddy Kev. Their selfish (i.e., boyfriendless) ways allowed them to fit easily in a twin sized bed in a room that serves primarily as an office. Of the three, only Coach Tim didn't totally make out with our friends.

Now the time has come to host an actual couple for Southern Decadence. This couple unselfishly give their love to each other LOTS. The nostril burning smell of poppers will lovingly emanate in the air of a city also known as the "Big Easy".

Since there is no way Rob is going to fit in a twin sized bed with TJ, the Shrew's Nest Inn had to undergo a test run retrofit this weekend. This luxury queen size Aero Bed rises just tall enough so our guests will feel as if they were in a real bed.

We are going to move a huge-ass desk out of the office so they will have the privacy of a locked door. That'll spare my furry children the horror of jumping on the Aero Bed, having their veins suddenly dilated, and witnessing sodomy.

Are there any high bidders out there for the used sheets?

Thursday, August 07, 2008

How this Redneck views the Olympics:

These Olympics sure got you folks just a shimmying in giddiness. It is the only subject that DC's fat truthsayer wanted to talk about yesterday. While I was searching for some grub, Greg was going on and on about watching the men's gymnastic team warm up on the internet. Then something about $%@#!&$ Comcast.

I told him that I really didn't care to see the curling competition, but maybe I'd watch a soccer game if we played some obnoxious country like the Netherlands. Greg promptly informed me that I was a dumbass because curling is a winter sport! Doh. Oh yeah... I knew that!



I can't help it if all my attention is on the fast approaching college football season. I am already fretting that I am going to miss LSU's first home game of the season versus Appalachian St. because TJ and Rob are going to be in town that same weekend for Southern Decadence. I'll be slipping off to peek at a TV while they are exposing themselves for beads.

In my neck of the woods, the only TV worth watching is SEC football. Nothing else matters. Three more weeks until the greatest soap opera on American television debuts. College football can't come fast enough for me as my alma mater, LSU, will try to defend it's BCS National Championship.


GEAUX TIGERS! KICK AUBURN'S ASS!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Cowboys need petting too...


I found the first picture from a photo shoot I did a couple weeks ago. It comes from Tate Tullier, who I consider the best photographer in the country. I hope Tate doesn't mind that I used a grabber utility on my Mac to acquire this photo off his website. Let's pray that I sucked-in well enough in most of the photographs.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Extreme Lows, Jesus Christ Superstar Highs, and then Back Down to Reality

This past weekend begin with some lows, went up to highs, and then back down to reality. It was as if I was starring in my own weekend movie. Perhaps you can pick the title of my movie.

On Saturday morning, I was pretty much told I am not a nice person. The exact quote was, "May I ask what you do for a profession? Surely you are not a rodeo clown entertaining children?" OUCH! This was after an intense doubles match against a gay rival. There was plenty trash talking, smirking, and attitude. Since Whipping Boy and I lost the match, we left the courts with a bitter taste in our mouths.

When I got back home, I realized that I needed to find something to do. My other half was in Florida with his straight friends. I knew I would only sparingly hear from him the entire weekend. He did try his best to find me stuff to do around the house, but I'll be damned if I was staying home! That would have been like a death sentence to me. I always have to be doing something with someone or I am not happy.

I was hellbent and determined to spend time with friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. These are friends that drink excessively. To me, heavy alcohol consumption is NOT attractive. I personally view it as a horrible liability to my tennis game. That's why I have been scarcely seen in the New Orleans bars.

So, I put aside my alcohol judgements and made appearances out at the various venues in New Orleans. At the Country Club, you would have thought I was a porn star by the way the locals treated me. Since I am not a good swimmer, the bears kindly served as flotation devices. There was so much hospitality that afternoon!

In the bars, I was back to being FRESH MEAT. Yeah.... at 38 years old... who would have thunk it? I swear it felt like I was Jesus Christ Superstar with all the attention I got. They had missed their hot-headed-tennis-racquet-swinging Cajun. It felt so good to feel the love again. I had so much slobber in fact, that I had to wash my face when I got home. Good times!

I was still basking in the glow of my wonderful weekend this morning as I fed the chickens. When I bent over to pick the eggs, I felt sharp pains in the back of my leg. Ugh. My rooster Rocky was attacking me. Some things never change. I was back down to reality.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Melancholy



Things are not always so cheerful. Sometimes I get sad. Today, I took something personally that someone said on the tennis courts. They didn't understand where I was coming from and said something hurtful. It puts me in a sad mood when I am misunderstood. I'll just be stuck with my melancholy for a little while longer.