Saturday, May 31, 2008

Look Who is in New Orleans!

Chris and Stephanie:

I think they are dancing to "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue:

Chris met the Shrew and I out earlier in the day:

The very FURRY and handsome Chris and the insatiable big Ta Ta's Stephanie are here in New Orleans. HUBBA HUBBA! We first had a few drinks at the Bourbon Pub in New Orleans with Chris. He even got to meet my children Boudreaux and Pierre. Later after dinner, we met Stephanie for the first time. If you don't recognize Chris and Stephanie, they are famous from this BLOG. And oh yeah... we have been talking all about the Sterns. We'll take good care of them at the Bourbon Pub.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Comeuppance for Oil Industry

The regulators are now hot on your tail. Why have they taken so long to do anything about your rogue activities is a puzzle to me. Now you will surely get your comeuppance as your industry's bubble is about to BURST. Soon the price of a barrel of oil will tumble down in spectacular fashion. Wall Street gamblers high in gluttonous greed will lose everything. Hallelujah! May the lawyers eat your industry alive and finally give us the relief we deserve. And may all Americans forever remember that it was under a corrupt Republican regime that the largest TAX INCREASE ever was passed on to our generation. And suffer too... they shall! Amen.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Straight Bumpkin Assimilation

Escaping to a city with so much of my own kind has really never been an option for me. I honestly do not know what it is like to live in a large city with a big transient population. Or live in a gay ghetto where your sexual preference was more the norm. I have always lived in rural Louisiana and make do living where everyone seems to know your business.

I took a risk last fall when I stepped out of my comfort zone. At the urging of Office Guy, I joined a local men's tennis league. I was initially worried that I would be flat out rejected because many probably already knew me as the "town queer". I guess that's better than being known as the "town whore".

There have been some cringeworthy moments while playing league tennis. Sometimes, players would ask me, "Are you going home to your wife and kids?" I would look back, grin, and say "No... I don't have any wife or kids. It's just me." They would return back the same sad look my late Aunt Donna used to give me.

I suppose I could have always responded in a sassy voice, "My gay lover is waiting for me at home and probably watching The Tudors. Ugh. I know. Every episode seems to be about some God awful woman screaming, 'I AM THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND!' and then someone's head gets chopped off. My partner is such a NANCY!" But I keep that to myself.

As I now have two league seasons under my belt, I am venturing out further away from my comfort zone by joining a local mixed doubles league. It runs eight straight weeks in the Summer and you have to play with a woman as your doubles partner. GASP!

Most of the men are playing with either their girlfriend or wife. Since I didn't have a lady friend, they assigned me one. I got a sad look when I signed up and told them I didn't have a wife, girlfriend or lady friend to play tennis with me. God. Will you bumpkins STOP feeling so sorry for me? I am actually thrilled I don't have a huge ass wife with snotty kids!

I am just wondering when I am going to be comfortable confirming the "gay" thing so I don't get anymore sad looks. This "gay" and "straight" thing doesn't really amount to a hill of beans. I have a lot of respect from my local tennis league for my skills... not my sexuality.

I am quite confident that if I came out to my tennis league, I will not be greeted by this:

That is only preached to me on the gay high holy days of: Mardi Gras, Southern Decadence, and Halloween. I usually just giggle, french kiss my boyfriend, and put my hand on his behind as they pass through the streets casting judgement.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Pwned B*tch!

At approximately 6:30pm on May 27, 2008, a new era was marked in the local tennis playing world. Some would say, "a changing of the guard" happened. The futility on my rival's face was something I'll always fondly cherish forever and ever.

You great tennis players out there know the look I am writing about. It's the look when your opponent knows his ass is totally owned and his predicament is totally fucked. It was quite priceless AND intoxicating to drub Monte 6-1, 6-2 in New Orleans last night! I was punk drunk in ecstasy that I had just knocked off the best local tennis player I regularly play.

Monte has beaten me about 12 straight times and owns a staggering 16-4 record against me. But oh have times changed! Monte aint getting any leaner or younger. So, I ran his ass up and down the court cruelly placing shots in the furthest spot from him. I am cunty that way. Monte huffed and puffed his way to a multitude of unforced errors. I tried to hide my smirks as I delivered my biggest personal ass whooping ever onto him.

A few more drubbings and he'll soon secure his place as Whipping Boy #2. Right now, I'll choose to just call him "Pwned Bitch!". :)

Brettcajun: The Greatest Jiggy Dance Hit

I've had a long and illustrious career of Jiggy Dancing. People often stop me on the street and ask me, "What Jiggy Dance do you consider your personal favorite?" I pause and think back to my extensive Jiggy Dance Catalogue. There were several VITAL hits, but I always comeback to this gem:

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Subtlety Does Not Know Me

Oh, how I wish I could have steely nerves with ice running through my veins. For much of my life, wearing my emotions on my sleeves has been a cross I must bear. I can't help it. I REALLY try to snuff them out. It would probably advance me further down certain paths if I could only keep my emotions in check. But I can't help myself. I am not a robot. I am human! Okay... dwarf human. But still human.

Am I impatient? Why can't I successfully navigate through life without showing my whole hand? Why must I always reveal my trump card? It puts me at a significant disadvantage with others. I don't gain jack from my horrible gamesmanship. I am always giving up all the chips to the house. So to speak.

What is so sad is that I do it to myself. When others would value me much higher, I sell myself short. In response, the buyer may then say, "hmm... did I over value this piece?" Maybe I should offer a nickle instead? Since I am such a poor negotiater, that is usually the price that is agreed upon.

I would like to think of this post as cryptic, but remember... subtlety does not know me.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Limping Back Home

I am heading back to Louisiana with a limp but no trophy. Yesterday, I lost a tough singles match 6-4, 7-5 after blowing a 4-1 lead in the Quarterfinals. That took everything out of me as I felt like I pulled a groin muscle or something. That can happen from masc play. In doubles, Whipping Boy and I staged a terrific comeback but ultimately lost against the #1 seed 6-1, 4-6, 6-1. So, overall I finished 2-2 in the tournament. I didn't get too upset because I played my best and didn't get my ass beat horribly. Goodbye Louisville! It was fun!

In the backwoods of Kentucky, I stumbled upon a slice of country bumpkin life. This reminded me of a certain blogger. Except there were no funny smells emanating from a hash pipe.

Saturday, May 24, 2008


My tournament run is going well so far. Yesterday evening, Whipping Boy and I beat Doug and Jorge 4-6, 6-2, 6-2 to advance to the semi-finals in the Doubles tennis tournament. Our reward is playing the #1 seed. Gulp! You can see the match score here and follow our progress .

This is the Bass-Rudd tennis center. They have both indoor and outdoor courts. So far, I have played both my singles and doubles match indoors. I thought I wouldn't like playing under fluorescent lighting, but I got used to it. They were giving us either an outdoor or indoor court for all of our matches depending on what was available at the time. I am hoping to play outside tomorrow.

This is the University of Louisville's cardinal logo. It is ALL over town painted on bridges, buildings, streets, and even grain elevators! I guess that is to make sure people here support the hometown cardinals and not that blue Kentucky wildcat team.

This is me changing the score card so people watching my match would know the score. We have these score cards on every court. You are supposed to change it every time you switch sides, but when I was winning I changed it every single game. :) I was so nervous for this singles match. There is a lot of pressure when you are expected to win as the #2 seed. I had butterflies throughout the entire first set. I suppose I shouldn't have drunk Mountain Dew right before. Doh! I was down 2-4 before winning 10 straight games to beat Jorge 6-4, 6-0. I am now in the Quarterfinals tomorrow at 9:30am. Yay! You can check the singles bracket here tomorrow to see how far I advance.

Whipping Boy was eliminated in the first round of the tournament by a guy that went on to then upset the #1 seed! SHOCKING!!! He'll get to play the #1 seed in the Consolation tournament now. I hope he plays much better!

Thursday, May 22, 2008


The spotlight is on you now kid. Sure, one can always feel like a champion by hanging around a bunch of losers. But you haven't. You have challenged yourself by playing against only the best. You are not going into this tournament with momentum on your side. Rather, you are one beat dog hungry for his first taste of victory.

They all laughed at your little plate you proudly held up with a flexed bicep in the last tournament. You worked hard for that little plate, but it wasn't quite enough. The pressure is mounting to not become the Susan Lucci of the GLTA tennis world. I DARE any of you to call me that. When will I win my first championship?!

Emails and text messages have been flowing in from across the country wishing me good luck in the tournament. Some are from fellow competitors that will be challenging me this weekend. Others are from players that have seen me play earlier this year in Fort Lauderdale or Austin.

That's a lot of pressure. As the #2 seed, I am expected to finally get over the hump and win a tournament. The KY2008 bracket in my division is loaded with experienced players. There will be many minefields for me to navigate through.

For laughs, Whipping Boy and I are going to once again do our comedy routine as "Doubles Partners". Since there is no "I" in TEAM, it should be yet another big belly laughing performance. Or will this time be different?

Since I will have two matches on Saturday, three on Sunday and the finals on Monday, Whipping Boy and I got a room with a jacuzzi hot tub. The hotel room is very close to the courts. I'll be doing my best to invite all the hot boys for a dip in the jacuzzi. We all need a little tension release.

A Day Without Fat

Let's move past the ooey gooey lovefest of the last few posts, shall we? I'll be damned if I start getting a reputation for being "sweet". In part to counter that image, I am designating today as a day we make a stand to severely cut our fat intake. Won't you help me in this worthy cause?

The goal is to cut our total fat intake and live healthier lives. My inspiration was to help support a certain blogger in his struggle. You should all go to his blog right now and leave supportive comments in his battle of the bulge.

So, let's all cheer CB on to help him drop some junk in his caboose! Think of the ripple effects that will reveberate throughout our country. Maybe one day, Zach and Cody can be the same weight again:

Monday, May 19, 2008

Leather & Lace

I should have never selected "Leather & Lace" on my ipod as my airplane reached cruising altitude. It made me shed some tears and that in itself is shocking. It is downright rare. Nowadays, I am more likely to cry from frustrations on the tennis court than anything else. I mostly prefer to just smile.

So, I met some bloggers on this trip to DC. I spent more time with Jimbo and TJ than the other bloggers. I arrived to our nation's capital looking like a typical skinny tennis player from lots of tennis play and preparation for next weekend's tournament. I swear I am going to build up muscle mass before I go again.

I have my own life... and I am stronger than you know. But I carry this feeling when you walked into my house that you wont be walking out the door.

I met TJ first at my hotel room. I was nervous. He wasn't quite as tall as I imagined him to be. If you measure TJ by his horns, he is technically two inches taller than me. I was surprised when Jimbo made an appearance in the hotel room that he was actually the tallest. (TJ had just told me last week that Jimbo was only 5'2")

When we were pigging out at Dupont Circle on the Friday, it was that exact moment that I got to see the real men behind their personalities. I have to tell you... a blog persona is not necessarily the same as someone's personality. It truly only gives hints of their personality. If you don't pay close enough attention, you may be pleasantly surprised by what you find.

For example, I didn't find Jimbo to be bitchy one bit. He is actually quite sexy and personable. I don't understand why Jimbo doesn't flaunt his sex appeal on his blog, while others less fortunate do. It makes you go hmm?

And TJ. Oh my gawd! Now I completely understand the madness. I am not going to dissect him here. It's up to you guys to figure it all out for yourself. But I will tell you, he's not nearly as badass or distant as he may appear. TJ is a goofball. He's funny, huggable, and even does nasty rap lines that always involves a sex act. Kind of like you probably did when you were 12 years old.

Is love so fragile... and the heart so hollow. Shatter with words... impossible to follow. You're saying I'm fragile... I try not to be. I search only... for something I can't see.

I feel simply enriched from this DC experience. It was much more than the monuments, the great bars, or the museums. Sometimes you find out things about yourself from interactions with your companions. Like TJ would often just finish up a dirty rap with your name (he chose Boba Fett for me), then say something truly profound that had the potential to shake up your inner core.

Lovers forever... face to face. My city or mountains... Stay with me stay. I need you to love me. I need you today. Give to me your leather... Take from me... my

The best part for me was just simply hanging with these guys. Seeing Jimbo sing music lines last night from the 80's was priceless. Out of the three of us, Jimbo can actually sing. Rob, TJ's partner, is absolutely the most adorable and sweetest person you could ever meet. Hearing TJ play music on his laptop while we were all trying to watch television did actually inspire me. The freedom to play on your laptop as if no one else was around is truly an awesome power. I admit... I was jealous because I have to use earphones or else!

Thanks for a great trip guys! It probably means more to me than you'll ever really know. It was a pleasure to meet all of you.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Meeting New Bloggers is Right Thing to Do

I was giddy to meet two more very popular bloggers while in DC. TJ and Rob had arranged a Saturday Sushi dinner with a special couple. It was a pleasure to meet Clickboo and Dr. Jeff on Saturday night. They were such a fun couple that inspired witty conversation. Dr. Jeff encouraged me to go out of my comfort zone and eat yellow tail sushi. I usually ONLY eat cooked sushi. Dr. Jeff was right... it was the best piece of fish I have ever tasted in a Japanese restaurant. And I didn't get sick.

Me and Supastar GGT Clickboo!
Jeff and Clickboo at Blowoffs.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Riding It all Day in DC

The weather is GORGEOUS in DC. TJ and Rob took me all around Georgetown and the Washington Mall on bikes today. We rode all over the creation. It was a blast. For the record, TJ preferred to be in the tail position, while Rob liked the pole position. I always seemed to be right in the middle of the squishy sandwich.

Here I am with the Lincoln Memorial way in the background.

I am pictured here in front of the front lawn of the White House.

TJ checking himself out in the reflecting pool.
This whole weekend has been one big Purseoff Contest after another.
TJ and Rob in front of the Capitol.

Friday, May 16, 2008

The DC Pursed Lip Gang

When you are in DC, you have to walk around with a tough look. Pictured with me are Jimbo and TJ. Don't let the cutting gazes fool you. They are really some nice looking fellas with sweet personalities!

TJ and I ate the largest burritos I have ever seen near the fountain at Dupont Circle. Jimbo had a sandwich from somewhere else. We got to spend at least an hour getting to know each other and working out the nervousness of the big meeting. It was so easy talking to them as if I knew them for years! And I kind of did from their blogs.

Jimbo and I went off exploring in the Washington Mall area to see some cool stuff, while TJ napped or had anal. We later all met backup to pig out once again, before heading out to Cobalt's and JR's (nice bars). Those were good times we had at the bars. I am now back at my hotel getting ready for bed.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

My Prison B*tch Look

When is the last time you saw Large Tony, Kelly Stern, or Atari do hand stands? You never did have you? Those cats just aint bendy like me! ;)

Since my regular hair burner was booked solid this week, I took a chance and went to one of those cheap $15 hair cut places where you just walk-in. I was promptly met by a Chinese woman who told me she would be right with me in two minutes. I wanted a short buzz cut, but this Chinese lady really took some liberties! So here it is... my prison bitch look.  I guess that means all my pics in DC this weekend will be with a baseball cap. 

OCD will be the Death of Me!

Hi, my name is Brett. I have a problem. I get interested in one thing and it always goes overboard. It started at a very early age. My horde of legos used to allow me to build a megalopolis that stretched the entire dining room in my parent's home. I probably had 30 road plates lined with nice double level hotels complete with park benches and popcorn men.

Right now, my OCD is in full swing with tennis. I have already played in four tournaments in 2008 in addition to my regular league play. After today, I will have played tennis 7 out of the last 10 days. I lost last night to Monte. That's a lot of stress on the body! Can we say OCD?

I promised my other half that it will be under control after the Louisville tennis tournament ten days from now. He'll be thrilled because I have sharply curtailed any bar time for this hobby. Seriously, you can't go out drinking and hope to win a tennis match scheduled for early the next morning. I am not going to give any edge to my tennis rivals. Not that they seem to need it lately.

The great thing about the OCD is that I am now down to a twinkish 160#'s. That is my lowest weight in YEARS! So, instead of arriving in DC this weekend KellySternish... I'll be arriving Atariesque. Yay!

There are things we must all now ponder: Will I be rejected by the DC Bear Crowd because I aborted my pudgy gut fetus? Will I be mistaken for a meth head and immediately get handed glow sticks upon entry to Blowoff? Will I be one of the lucky ones featured in the fabulous Metro Weekly?! Stay tuned...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I am off to see Mom on Mother's Day!

I got her a pretty plant. The horses seemed to like it on the farm.
Of course, there are furry friends all along the way to pet.

This path leads the way from my house to Mom. It's a pretty neat trail between two fences and wide enough to drive a car on. But why? I just walk it because the scenery is beautiful.

Here the trail ends. I just have to hang a left and I am there!

We all ate at a local seafood restaurant at 5pm. There were 14 of us. We were all quite STUFFED. Dammit. There goes my weight-loss! I'll try to hit the gym tomorrow morning to make sure that fetus gets aborted. UGH. It's hard to be in good shape down here where everything is fried. The weather has been quite beautiful here. I hope you didn't forget to call your mother and wish her a "Happy Mother's Day!"

Friday, May 09, 2008

Leave Me Alone - Ruby Red Dress

It simply amazes me how much I have expanded my bubble world in the last few years. In many ways, I am still attached to an imaginary umbilical chord. Before all the Emperor postering you see nowadays, you would be shocked to learn that I once wrote a sappy poem on my blog. Was this a cry for help to cut the umbilical chord?

I have never lived more than 30 minutes away from my childhood home. My entire family lives on a big farm in houses spaced just enough apart. Since I am the black sheep, they put me MUCH farther away on the opposite end of the farm near two barns. That's fine. They will not have to see any bear sex up in the hayloft or screw up my jiggy dance productions.

Do you know that I have worked for the same company since the 7th grade? Yes! It's true. My first salary was $1 an hour. I was paid $40 a week in cash to cut grass down our Industrial Park. See... I was not a spoiled child growing up!

My mom always had a hot breakfast and dinner ready for us every single day. She was not a working mom. She was always at home cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the family. With today's parents tossing lunchables at their children, I now realize how fortunate I was.

My world has expanded some. I came out to my parents at the age of 27. That's not easy to do in my neck of the woods. I am most proud that I have developed many friendships through varied interests. Being loved by so many, makes me feel warm and squishy inside. Ya'll do love me, riiiiiiiight?

When I am not Jiggy Dancing my way on youtube, I blog and play tennis. Both hobbies have kept me quite busy. I sort of have the same brash reputation in BOTH. Hmm... I wonder why? My little world seems to be steadily expanding as I am growing into the role of being an adult. Okay... that's years away! Let us pray my bubble world doesn't POP! anytime soon. I am enjoying the ride as long as I can.

Will this be me in a few years? (local celebrity Varla Jean)

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Emperors Don't Quit!

Being Emperor is a thankless job. Rivals relentlessly try to usurp your power. Though you have dominion over them, they can't wait to knock your royal ass off the throne. The utter contempt some of you bitches have for my rule is like... so annoying!

One of the perks to being Emperor is the ability to pick on the little guys. What a better way to demonstrate your might than to totally obliterate the mambiest of the pambiest?! I do have to admit that it is a guilty pleasure of mine.

Last night, escorted by Imperial Stormtroopers, my shuttle arrived on the Planet Shrew. It is a pretty small planet made up of shrew-like mousy creatures in the remote Faux Furr Galaxy. This was going to be an epic slaughter for the whole Blog Universe to witness.

Eratous E. Shrew met me on the battlefield wearing his finest fully embroidered velvet general uniform and a pompadour doo. He proposed a one-on-one battle to decide the fate of his people. I gleefully relished the chance to personally be the one to strike him down. He would serve as yet another example to those miscreants who entertain this talk of "rebellion".

In the first two games, I immediately went up 2-0. Surely my tormentor was shaken by my aura of invincibility. This fool was no match for me and my skills! I hit the ball hard. With amazing speed, many went out. I charged at the net lusting to knock down every single shot. I was too short when my foe returned those balls as lobs. It didn't matter. My opponent didn't have any discernible special talents. I could toy with him, play half-assed and still triumph!

Gulp! Or maybe not. The next few games did not go my way at all. Shocking to my ego, Eratous E. Shrew took the first set 6-4. I felt as if I had been kicked in the balls and sucker punched in the gut. The whole universe is now laughing at me!

But everyone knows a grand battle has many phases. I planned to deliver the knockout punch in the next one. I went up 1-0. Eratous E. Shrew mouthed off that I went up 2-0 in the previous set too but still lost. Oh my! Is this MOFO getting cocky on me? That raised my blood pressure big time!!!

I was determined to hit harder and attack the net more aggressively to punish his insolent ass! Yet Eratous E. Shrew knows my gluttonous ego quite well. He picked on it, rattled my cage, and used my own arrogance on the court against me. I was taken aback as the score became 1-1, 2-1, 3-1, 4-1, and then 5-1 in FAVOR of Eratous E. Shrew.

Staring at me was yet another embarrassing loss in a string of them that has stretched on for weeks. The buzzing sound of cheering loudly beat in my ears. God! Make it stop! My ball sack felt as if it was now firmly in the jowls of the Blog Universe. My apparent demise was near!

I told myself to come down off my imperial high horse and get back to a sound tennis game. What was my opponent's #1 weakness? LAZINESS. So, I dropped the show-off aspects of my game and attacked the slothful nature of my opponent.

I successfully rattled off six straight wins after laying drop shot after drop shot. It was a successful strategy for me because Eratous E. Shrew had grown quite weary from the intense battle. He did manage one more heroic win to force the seven point tie break game. But an Emperor hungry for victory is a formidable foe. I waxed Eratous E. Shrew 7-1 in the tie break to take the second set.

The third and final set never happened because night time was looming. It is well documented in the historical archives that the Shrew stops all combat when the sun is replaced by fluorescent lighting. Something about shotty RK surgery.

So, we agreed to call it a "draw". In Whipping Boy's flawed misuse of statistics, he calls it "non-winning sessions." But who has three trophies and who has none? Ask Whipping Boy THAT next time! Even Eratous E. Shrew has a trophy... husband. :)

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

God Bless the Gays in the South!

Sordid Lives Series Trailer - Full Length

Being gay in the South is tough enough with all the Bible thumpers. Often, entertainment geared towards us is based on the California lifestyle or some Yankee urban meth setting. Thank God the LOGO channel is bringing us Southern gays something we can identify with. It is the story of our Sordid Lives. The mini-series debuts on July 23, 2008.  

Empire Maintenance

Well, I say this little blog war is going swimmingly well. Always crush uprisings and negative news reports with an iron fist. In this case, threatening to post FAT pictures effectively ended the chatter of my fledgling tennis game. That eliminated four rebel bloggers right there on the spot. They were "sleeper cells" waiting to be activated. Yes, I am a cunty bastard for my war tactics. It's part of my charm :)

The precursor to the rebellion was the sudden dip in my tennis game, which was widely reported on three blogs. It started with losing a doubles match on April 19th in the semi-finals of the New Orleans tournament. Then the next day, I lost in three sets in the singles finals. I followed that blemish with a doubles loss in league the following week, and a horrible round robin tournament performance last week. Losing to Whipping Boy 6-4, 7-5 in my latest singles match was the last straw. It was downright embarrassing and a defining moment for me. It is simply unacceptable to lose to your "whipping boy"!

Last night, I took tennis lessons for the first time in over a year. My motivation was to reverse the losing skid. After all, LOSING IS FOR LOSERS! The tennis instructor changed the grip on my backhand to reflect the proper two-handed backhand. I had somehow changed my grip over the last year to whatever felt natural to me. But it hurt my game. On my forehand, the instructor simply changed the height of the point of contact. It worked VERY WELL.

The tennis instructor was very impressed with my ground strokes. He would toss me a ball, and I would either hit it with my backhand or forehand. It was not as easy because soon he began hitting the ball right back at me. So, then I began zinging winners past him. He smiled at the fight in me. Overall, I missed very few tennis balls. We have another lesson next Wednesday at 5pm.

Why the urge to suddenly fix things? Well, I have a tennis tournament in Louisville, KY in three weeks (Memorial Day Weekend). I will probably be the #2 or #3 seed in a bracket filled with very experienced players. It will be the toughest bracket Whipping Boy and I have ever faced. The likelihood of either of us surviving it unscathed is remote!

Monday, May 05, 2008

Waking a Sleeping Empire

On January 1, 2008, my ascendancy to the throne to rule the Blog Universe was complete. It was on this exact day that I was crowned with Blog of the Year. My control and power in the blog world was forever cemented under this democratic coronation. I am now High Ruler.

But you would be surprised to learn that there are those out there who oppose my rule. I'll call them the rebel alliance. At first, I was mildly irritated when I got a report from a spy satellite that there was a rebel outpost here. It was amusing. I scoffed because I knew soon that blurb would be buried under pictures of either someone stuffing their face with french fries or being half naked SO WRONG in a sarong.

Then another spy satellite found a second outpost here! No big surprise coming from an area known to attract outlaws and Hedonism hiding from the Empire. I sent in some troops to let them know that the Empire is fully aware of its location. The very fact that they did not kill the treacherous post with the appearance of Imperial Stormtroopers gave me indigestion.

It was this next report that really made me slam my fist down, stand up, and order my generals to be on standby. The rebels mocked my world famous Jiggy Dancing by putting up a video of some Redneck from Alabama! Did you feel me seething with anger at your little joke? Oh, yes... I clearly caught the undertones of your humor. But to openly diss my tennis game, was the ultimate show of disloyalty. How dare you knock my tennis game?! FOOLS!

If it's war you want, it's war you'll get! No one in your insignificant little rebellion possess the true smarts to wage a full scale war. It's bloody hell, and you are all pansies. You have NO IDEA what you have brought upon yourselves. See, I don't look up to those peaceniks that are the Dalai Lama or Ghandi. My idols are: Emperor Palpatine, Wendy Testaburger, and Miss Baltimore.


Sunday, May 04, 2008

New Orleans Jazz Fest 2008

Brian, Greg, and the Shrew are walking ahead of me to the Fairgrounds with our $5 portable chairs made in China bought at Walgreens. We are too goddamned old to stand up all day!!!

Mom, I swear I didn't smoke a joint. I do feel light headed and have a sudden urge to pig out on funyuns. Hmm.. I am quite mellow right now with not a mean bone in my body. No picking fights for me today! This is me at the Gospel Tent. Either I am high, or I feel the spirit of Jesus!

This is who brought out all the potheads concert goers. It is Santana! He told the crowd he did NOT like Bush one bit. He also supports Hillary Clinton for President and John Edwards for VP. Everyone around us seemed to be passing around a joint. There was a constant stinky smell coming from every single direction. Can you get high from secondary smoke? I swear, I feel light headed. It was kind of neat seeing all kinds of races there on the fairgrounds just sharing the happiness.

Ralph is related to THIS BLOGGER. Do you notice the resemblance?

Just chilling. My brain is turning to MUSH at this point. I blame all those smokers all around us.

Fuck it. I don't care if I am fat. My brain is clearly ignoring the Paparazzi.

Port-O-Potties are NASTY! Don't look down when you are taking a wiz. TRUST ME ON THIS!!! It would totally ruin the awesome feeling of releasing all that beer.