Being Emperor is a thankless job. Rivals relentlessly try to usurp your power. Though you have dominion over them, they can't wait to knock your royal ass off the throne. The utter contempt some of you bitches have for my rule is like... so annoying!
One of the perks to being Emperor is the ability to pick on the little guys. What a better way to demonstrate your might than to totally obliterate the mambiest of the pambiest
?! I do have to admit that it is a guilty pleasure of mine.
Last night, escorted by Imperial Stormtroopers, my shuttle arrived on the Planet Shrew. It is a pretty small planet made up of shrew-like mousy creatures in the remote Faux Furr Galaxy. This was going to be an epic slaughter for the whole Blog Universe to witness.
Eratous E. Shrew met me on the battlefield wearing his finest fully embroidered velvet general uniform and a pompadour doo. He proposed a one-on-one battle to decide the fate of his people. I gleefully relished the chance to personally be the one to strike him down. He would serve as yet another example to those miscreants
who entertain this talk of "rebellion".
In the first two games, I immediately went up 2-0. Surely my tormentor was shaken by my aura of invincibility. This fool was no match for me and my skills! I hit the ball hard. With amazing speed, many went out. I charged at the net lusting to knock down every single shot. I was too short when my foe returned those balls as lobs. It didn't matter. My opponent didn't have any discernible special talents. I could toy with him, play half-assed and still triumph!
Gulp! Or maybe not. The next few games did not go my way at all. Shocking to my ego, Eratous E. Shrew took the first set 6-4. I felt as if I had been kicked in the balls and sucker punched in the gut. The whole universe is now laughing at me!
But everyone knows a grand battle has many phases. I planned to deliver the knockout punch in the next one. I went up 1-0. Eratous E. Shrew mouthed off that I went up 2-0 in the previous set too but still lost. Oh my! Is this MOFO getting cocky on me? That raised my blood pressure big time!!!
I was determined to hit harder and attack the net more aggressively to punish his insolent ass! Yet Eratous E. Shrew knows my gluttonous ego quite well. He picked on it, rattled my cage, and used my own arrogance on the court against me. I was taken aback as the score became 1-1, 2-1, 3-1, 4-1, and then 5-1 in FAVOR of Eratous E. Shrew.
Staring at me was yet another
embarrassing loss in a string of them that has stretched on for weeks. The buzzing sound of cheering loudly beat in my ears. God! Make it stop! My ball sack felt as if it was now firmly in the jowls of the Blog Universe. My apparent demise was near!
I told myself to come down off my imperial high horse and get back to a sound tennis game. What was my opponent's #1 weakness? LAZINESS. So, I dropped the show-off aspects of my game and attacked the slothful nature of my opponent.
I successfully rattled off six straight wins after laying drop shot after drop shot. It was a successful strategy for me because Eratous E. Shrew had grown quite weary from the intense battle. He did manage one more heroic win to force the seven point tie break game. But an Emperor hungry for victory is a formidable foe. I waxed Eratous E. Shrew 7-1 in the tie break to take the second set.
The third and final set never happened because night time was looming. It is well documented in the historical archives that the Shrew stops all combat when the sun is replaced by fluorescent lighting. Something about shotty RK surgery.
So, we agreed to call it a "draw". In Whipping Boy's flawed misuse of statistics, he calls it "non-winning sessions." But who has three trophies and who has none? Ask Whipping Boy THAT next time! Even Eratous E. Shrew has a trophy... husband. :)