Thursday, February 28, 2008

Sharing the Nest with a Shrew

In just a few weeks, I'll be sharing my nest with a Shrew. According to a Columbia University Press article, Shrews have mouselike bodies with long and pointed snouts. A Shrew is an extremely active and nervous creature. They will jump, faint, or drop dead at a sudden noise. Yet, they are vicious fighters that can kill or eat larger animals. They also have a musky odor which deters potential predators (and mates?). I'll be sure to stock up on Febreze.

Will all kidding aside, I am really nervous. For the last four years, I have enjoyed suffered immensely from only having a "weekend" boyfriend. On Monday thru Friday, I would typically get all of my household chores, bill paying, league tennis, internet "socializing", blogging, and X-Tubing done. This was so I could close my Mac Book Pro and give the boyfriend most of my time, attention, and devotion on weekends.

But now that we will be living together fulltime, must I now clean my house everyday? In the past, I could always wait to clean my house right before the Shrew came over so he would think I was neater. Now, the jig is up! My floors need constant sweeping. With two long haired Dachshunds, daily trips to feed the Chickens (and now Ella), that's a lot of dirt that can be potentially tracked in! I panicked, so I went ahead and ordered a Roomba from IROBOT.

In just as important matters, what about my individuality? Is this the end of punking out to Paramore when the mood hits me? What if I just want to absorb myself on the internet and explore new things? Will my MacBookPro be treated like a redheaded stepchild in this new living arrangement?

What about sports? Please no more Food Network, Paula Deen, or the Barefoot Contessa (even though she has a sexy porn voice) every single hour. I need my sports! I want to see the LSU Lady Tigers win the SEC Championship over those EVIL Tennessee Lady Vols. I need to see all the upsets of March Madness on the tube. How will this even work when my television tastes are more "straight" than his?

And can we talk about space? Will this be the end of cuddling on the couch meditating with my darling Dachshund children? What if the Shrew needs to talk about his day while I am trying to meditate? Will I not ever have anymore quiet time to myself? And what about our sleep cycles? I am definitely an EARLY BIRD. He's a nightowl. I can't tiptoe around the house quietly to save my life. These are all things I worry about. I am sure I'll adjust. I am just nervous about sharing the nest.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Destroy the Rebel Fleet Hillary!


Hillary Clinton seduced me a long time ago by her power. It's actually quite intoxicating to worship her. I am in utter awe of her latest campaign tactics. Some willy nilly liberals are all besides themselves by the dirty tricks. I scoff at you.

You smite your enemies by going on an all out offensive. A political campaign is WAR! As General, you must often do what it takes to win the war. As Niccolo Machiavelli expoused, the end justifies the means. Strategy is everything!

I want a strong Commander in Chief... not a pacifist. Just think what Hillary will do to Hugo Chavez, Exxon, and Kim Jong Ill when she is in charge. I am sending her another $100.00. Darth Hillary will bring order to the galaxy. And YES... I am a Sith Lord.

Monday, February 25, 2008

I may be small, but I'm good!


This has been a great athletic week for me. Just one month ago today, I was on the ropes. I was losing to the likes of Whipping Boy, Heath and Monte. I think I was simply playing too much and trying too hard. On the eve of last weekend's FTL Tournament, I questioned my ability to even play tennis well.

Exactly seven days ago, I had eliminated the #1 seed in the tournament semi-finals. This player finished #8 in points in our GLTA division in 2007. It was quite the accomplishment! I followed that success by winning a doubles match with an 82 year old doubles partner in week one of my new league tennis season on Thursday.

Yesterday, I cut Monte down 6-3, 3-6, 7-5. From this day forward, I will no longer be his Whipping Boy! My strength is stamina and legs. Without a serve, Monte was oh so human and quite beatable. By the end of the match, he was reduced to being an old man on life support. He couldn't hang with the younger, swifter, and more nimble opponent. Tsk. Tsk.

With the Shrew going to Europe for the next two weeks, I will have plenty of opportunity to duel racquets with Monte, Whipping Boy and Heath. I will not hide my eagerness to put many more "L's" on their asses. It's payback time and I don't plan on being humble about it. :)

Saturday, February 23, 2008

More Hung than Ella

Friday, February 22, 2008

I'm OK-You're OK


My mood was pretty sour last night. Rarely do I get in that mood because generally I am a happy go-lucky Gemini. Yet, it felt as if I had swallowed one too many bitter wads yesterday. I was stewing. My calmer side begged for restraint. I chose to bite my tongue.

As a result, I walked onto the courts last night angry. This was an important night, because it was week one of the new league tennis season. Your performance in league tennis is tracked and put online for all to see, so every match is critical. I was paired up with an 82 year old man as my doubles partner. He asked me to help him remember the game score because he often forgot. Greaaaaaat.

Surprisingly, we made a great team. He hit with an amazing consistency (95%). I bullied the net. Our opponents were toast. When we blew a lead in the second set, my doubles partner urged me not to panic and we'll be fine. He was right. We won the last six games to earn a crucial victory for our team.

As in the tennis match, I'll be fine in the latest little dustup on the blog as well. Afterall, I am a fiery Southern fireplug. I can survive such skirmishes because there is nothing wrong with a healthy debate. The blogworld has been suffering from comment decay anyway, so I am thrilled the bloggers got excited about something.

When three big personalities tango, you are sure to get some fireworks. We all have our roles in the blogworld. Some are slutty bloggers. Some act like Mother Goose. Mine is simply "Blog of the Year". You surely didn't think I got there by holding hands and being sweet with everyone did you? :)

Thursday, February 21, 2008

My Southwest Airlines Escape Video

You just pissed off half the blogworld with your political opinion. They are calling for your head! So what do you do? You make a cute video featuring your Dachshunds Boudreaux and Pierre!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Preach it Obama!


EDITED FOR POLITICAL SENSITIVITIES:

Bush, Hitler and Osama Bin Laden all made great speeches at one time or another to whip up their followers. They were enthralled and blindly flocked beneath their spell. History proved, at least among these individuals, that charismatic individuals do not always make good leaders.

I am calling on Obama to be more than just a charismatic leader. Prove that he can fulfill all of his promises and not just have a talent of whipping up a crowd. I can't help but feel that Obama supporters are being hypnotized by someone akin to a televangelist spreading the great Gospel. Words are just words. Look past all of the promises and rhetoric. Ask, "How will you accomplish this?"

I refuse to waver in my support for Hillary Clinton. You should ask pertinent questions to your candidate. Call me cynical, but I don't trust anyone to make good on their speech promises after our current Bush president blurred the line between fact and fiction too many damn times.

Don't be a sheep:

Supermodel?

Don't laugh. A very cool clothing company may feature me on their website or in a mailout. Believe me, I am very flattered. It all started when I posted about my World Tour and I was in a quandary about what outfits to don at all of these tennis tournaments.

My question to you is... should I change my look? I have been having a short trimmed beard for over two years. I like the look. But is it really the look of a tennis player? Or do I change to a goatee?

I just can't bring myself to shave everything off completely because I am afraid my big honker will really stand out. This blogger and that blogger have the same problem as I do in the big snozz department. Ducking. ;)

Don't worry, I will not be going Naomi Campbell on everyone around me. The only thing I tend to fling hard are those yellow fuzzy tennis balls. The ones that have to watch out for those fits of anger coming back at them regularly are: Whipping Boy, E.Shrew, Monte and Heath.

I'd like to end this post by stating that being a Blogger is cool. If you remain true to yourself and let your personality shine through... you can get a free turkducken or a modeling gig too! Soon, DBud will be hawking buttsex fleshlights, while Jimbo recommends bird watching binoculars. I am still waiting for Homer to sell his famous lemon meringue pie recipe to Mrs. Smiths.

Monday, February 18, 2008

SINGLES FINALIST TROPHY!

I am very elated to finish as the Singles Finalist:


I am Pictured with the Tournament Singles Champion:


Thirty minutes after my semifinals match ended, I played in the Championship Game with my stylish Boiish Muscle Shirt. It was around noon, but I had only eaten one small banana and a piece of bread. That is all I dared to eat lest I throw up on the court from the unbearable heat. My opponent was the #2 seed in the tournament. I had eliminated the #1 and #3 seeds, while he had just ousted the #4 seed.

I threw every weapon in my arsenal, but I could not find a way to win. My opponent (Mark) was just the better tennis player. His precision placement neutralized my charges to the net. I lost 6-3, 6-1. I was not upset because I knew I did the best I could do. By the start of the second set, I couldn't hop anymore. My legs felt as if they were full of Charlie Horses. My arms were shot. My racquet felt like a deadweight.

As "runner-up", I still got the same beautiful trophy as the Champion. The best part was getting more points to my overall record. That will ensure that I will continue to have better draws in future tournaments.

I am leaving Fort Lauderdale feeling like a winner! Special thanks to my lovable hosts, Ken and Michael, who provided housing and transportation for the last five days. They were so good to me. I really appreciate it guys. And thanks for all the friends who gave me support this weekend: Edber (my tour guide and buddy), Tony, Chip, Kevin, Lorenzo, Brian, Daniel, Cory, Michael, and Rick. I thank my lucky stars that my weekend was so enriched by all of you. ;)

SEMI-FINALS SHOWDOWN!



The weather in Fort Lauderdale started on a dreary note. There was a little rain, but soon the sun would shine through. I had a semi-finals match promptly at 8am this morning. The temperatures would eventually reach 86 degrees. I lost the first set 6-3. I attacked the net repeatedly with mixed results. I had a hard time figuring out if I should abandon it or stick with it until it began to pay handsome dividends.



In the second set, my back was against the wall. I had nothing to lose, so I let loose and used some muscle power. I bolted out to a 5-2 lead. Suddenly, Jo won 4 straight games to take a 6-5 lead in the second set. I was almost toast, but my friends were cheering me on. Thankfully, I shut him out in the next game to tie it all up at 6-6. In the heart wrenching tie-breaker game, I outlasted my foe 7-4. There was still a chance!



In the third set, I was determined to do the same thing that helped me win the second set. My net attack was pretty lethal. It's all just a matter of milliseconds, but I landed incredible shot after incredible shot to my opponent's dismay. In the end, I eliminated the #1 seed 3-6, 7-6, 6-2. :)

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Championship Monday

I arrived on the clay courts in Fort Lauderdale this morning hungry like a wolf. I hadn't eaten anything yet. So, I woofed down two chocolate donuts and a banana. I was hoping my body would be able to digest that food quickly before I was scheduled to play. Right after I ate, my name was called. GULP! I just ate! OMG! What a huge mistake. I thought I had at least 50 more minutes for my stomach to digest the food.

When I began the warmup, I was burping. I felt I was in a sugar coma. OH SHIT. Then as I began to warm up with my opponent, I had a sinking feeling that I was in deep doo doo. The scouting report on this foe was WRONG. This MOFO could hit hard! So, I tried to drag out the warm up as long as I could.

In the first set, I did not play my normally aggressive way because I feared I was going to throw up on the court. I played it safe. To my dismay, my opponent was imitating my style of play. He was at the net EVERY single time. It almost made me laugh because he looked just as crazy as I must look to my opponents.

He took the first set 6-4. I was okay. I knew that my energy would hit me in the second set. I was not scared. It was almost like Zen. I was very calm. I then turned up the heat striking his ass time and time again with my aggressive net play. I waxed the MOFO 6-1, 6-1 to oust him out of the tournament.

He was SOME pissed. He threw his racquet down quite frequently, cursed and screamed out loud, and banged his racquet against the net in fits of anger. I had just eliminated the #3 seed 4-6, 6-1, 6-1. I didn't gloat. I was very calm about it. Why? Because it felt like my destiny. I feel in my heart that I will win that trophy tomorrow.

I play against the #1 seed who is 5-0 in matches played so far this weekend at 8am. Then, I play in the finals at 11am before flying back to New Orleans. I feel it. I have worked so hard to get this far. I have the skills. No one remaining can match my tenacity. They play pop up tennis. I play mean, in-your-face, hard hitting tennis. Stay tuned for that picture of me hoisting up that Championship trophy tomorrow! ;)

On to the next round...

I had my Darth Vader Shades on the court. It is very sunny in Fort Lauderdale.

I waxed this New Yorker 6-1, 6-2. I played very aggressively. He was nervous the entire time.

So far, it has been all business for me at the Florida Clay Court Classic. There are some incredibly HOT guys here, but I haven't taken their pics yet. The pics posted above were taken by the lovable Tony of Farmboyz fame. He is such an intriguing conversationalist. Tony documented the day with a good writeup and nice pictures. It was a pleasure to meet him for the first time. I definitely want to duel racquets with him one day on the courts. :)

After beating my first round opponent, I now play again at 9am this morning and again this afternoon. In doubles, my partner and I lost a thrilling 6-4, 7-6 match. Even though we lost in Dbls, it was a lot of fun to play. My doubles partner is a very woofy guy named Michael from Tampa. His other half is equally woofy and watched us. The hotness factor of these guys alone made it worthwhile to play doubles in this tournament. :)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Is that Big Bad Scary Mechanical Beast Going to get Daddy this Time?



Those pre-flight jitters are hitting me now. I take off on Southwest Airlines from New Orleans to Fort Lauderdale for a quick little skip across the pond (Gulf of Mexico). If everything goes right, I should be in Fort Lauderdale by 4pm.

But I am anxious. The only normal thing about the trip will be the tennis. Hitting tennis balls is just like boinking. So natural, I can do it with my legs pinned back and my eyes closed.

I am most anxious because I am going alone on this trip. I will not have the Shrew as my sidekick. He typically serves as the navigator. He does not like my driving and does not trust me with maps. My role is the social director. I have all the activities and cool people to meet already sorted out on our agenda.

I have traveled without the Shrew before, but only when there were nurturing motherly types like Moby , Mark and Coach Tim waiting to babysit me. I did fine by myself, although I probably drove those guys crazy. I can still hear, "Another shower?! Why is he taking another shower?!" I swear I don't have a compulsive cleaning disorder. I just like to be prepared!

A nice fellow by the name of Edber will pick me up from FLL Int'l in his white Kia Sephia. He has been reading my blog for two years and we chat on AIM. He offered to take me to where I am staying from the airport, so I kindly accepted. It'll be nice to finally meet him. We will travel to Pompano Beach where my host Ken "the axe murderer" and his boy have kindly set aside a space for me to sleep.

After freshening up, I will speed away to the Draw Party at Alibis tonight. It will be interesting to see how many of the 200 something people registered for this tournament show up at the Draw Party. Most seem to be fireplugs of the Latin persuasion.

Wish me a safe flight and adventures in Fort Lauderdale!

Why is Hillary Losing?

It's quite simple folks. There has been little to NO push to get voters to the polls. I haven't seen one campaign commercial in my state of Louisiana from either candidate. Yet, Obama is getting his biggest supporters FIRED UP to vote for him. While the rest of the country is in a deep slumber.

Why is Hillary not FIRING UP her base to come out and vote in the primaries? Is everyone just assuming that Obama is leading in a poll, so they don't bother to vote? What kind of cracked up democracy do we have? It is time for Hillary Clinton and her campaign staff to GET FIRED UP!!! Put a light under the asses of voters and march those lazy SOB's to vote in the Primaries.

I did my civic duty and voted in Louisiana's primary. Nearly all of my friends support Hillary Clinton over Obama, but didn't even vote on February 9th. Why? Probably because there was no big push hitting the airwaves to encourage people to go to the polls. Many probably didn't even know. Or maybe some thought it didn't matter since Hillary spent most of her time in Iowa, Nevada, New Hampshire and other crappy states.

It is so sad that such a small percentage are going to decide who runs for President in this country. It's time for Hillary and Co. to FIRE UP her base!!! She must still go to states where she is down in polls, because nobody is going to care to vote if she doesn't care to visit. And that's a shame. Hit the radio airwaves encouraging everyone to get out and vote!

And whoever is playing the board game of Risk for Hillary needs to get the boot. Obviously they know nothing about acquiring the small continents first before ruling over the entire board.

Wee Man or Too Much Baggage?


My green steamer trunk has lost its wheels. It made a valiant attempt to follow me around during my travels but couldn't keep up anymore. It may have been suicide. I dunno. In light of the untimely death of my green steamer trunk, I had to buy a new Samsonite Duralite with fancy wheels! The shell is virtually indestructable as it is made from the same material as football helmets. Those wheels are the same ones used on Roller Blades. Way better than those cheap plastic ones my last one had. This behemoth should last me quite a long time.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Within the Grasp of my Grubby Little Hands...


The great tournament Gods have rewarded my last performance by providing me with a favorable draw. I now find myself in the uncommon position of NOT facing the #1 or #2 seed to open the Fort Lauderdale Tournament. Yesssss! Thankssss be to Gawd! I mean God. Could this be the first tennis championship I win?

First, I face some guy named "Warren" with a Jewish last name. Shockingly, he's from New York. I used to have a Jewish BF but he was SO not athletic.

Possibly my biggest test will be in the Semi-Finals against the #1 seed. According to my scouting report (Brian D.), I have a better serve and volley than him. One bad thing is that my opponent is thin. I am now the fat American bastard. Let's hope I can still haul ass like I have been doing all year.

Finally, I will get to meet a blogger from New York this week in Fort Lauderdale. He's one of the Farmboyz. I'll try to act right around Tony. Hopefully, he'll be able to understand my slow Southern dialect. I wish someone would invent a device where you can slow the speech of those damn Yankees. He'll have to practice speaking sloooow before we meet.

Monday, February 11, 2008

I may be Pregnant, but I am not Crazy!

Clearly, a few of you are puzzled by my strange behavior in the video right below this post. There is an explanation!

It all started when I was driving back to Louisiana with the Shrew on a Saturday road trip. The Shrew was blabbing on and on about something. I dunno. I was trying really hard to act interested, when I heard this amazing song on the radio.

It is heavily rotated at the local rock stations, so I turned the volume up. The song is about a girl seeking revenge on a WHORE who stole her man. Meeeooooow! Drama. Love it! I frantically googled to find out the cool song is "Misery Business" by Paramore. The video and song KICKS ASS!

My inner anger twink drooled over the song. I punked out and screamed "RIOT!". Letting you see the craziness was probably a risk, but I never like to keep my blog in the dulldrums. Admittedly, even I thought I looked like Charles Manson. But since it made me laugh, I decided to go ahead and post it anyway. I did trim the clip hoping to come across only as Batshit Crazy and not Manson Crazy. What's the verdict?

Oh and since Tonka brought it up, let me get this off my chest. I DO admit to looking preggars in the video. SIGH. In the last few days, I have seen many signs that my egg has indeed been fertilized. Who's the Daddy? Hell if I know! Could be any stranger on the street from Mardi Gras!

Which brings me to the volatile abortion issue. I am Catholic, but I really don't have a strong opinion on abortion. That's more of a breeder issue. Kids. Ewww. Would it be so wrong if I wished my growing fetus suffered a timely miscarriage THIS WEEK?!?! I can't be swinging around tennis racquets and cavorting around nude beaches in Fort Lauderdale while pregnant! It just does NOT look right.

Anyway... enjoy Paramore's KICK ASS Video:

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Watch Me Prepare to WHOOP ASS:

I am PUMPED today to kick Whipping Boy's ass. This is my motivational ritual to do the deed:


video

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Last Kid Picked for Sportsss


I am feeling some familiar dread today. I felt this way last November when I posted this: Past Life Crashing Into Present. I showed up to an adult men's league and luckily got picked by a former schoolmate to be on his team. The guy told me I was picked because he always thought I was a good guy. Sure, I was kind back in high school and Catechism, but I never knew if anyone noticed because I was so damned shy. Socializing with others used to be impossible back then.

Last November, I remember having so much anxiety in being picked among the 60 men who showed up on that fateful night. They were almost all strangers to me. I had a devil of a time making eye contact or small talk. All my insecurities came back to me. Plus, the players in this league were far better than any I played against in GLTA tournaments.

So, will I be good enough to be drafted again tonight? We'll see. They fling you straight into a round robin tournament where you play at least four doubles matches (best of 7 games). If your team wins, you go up a court. If you lose, you go down a court. The five team captains will observe everyone play and draft members for their team. The fact that not everyone gets picked makes me go... "Gulp!"

Adding to my nervousness is the introduction of Whipping Boy to my league. Because we will play together as Doubles partners in Austin and perhaps New Orleans, I encouraged him to tryout so we could get some much needed doubles experience together. Will Whipping Boy rise to the occasion or will he choke under the pressure?

What about me? What if he is picked and I am not? GROAN. Is this possible? Oh... very likely! Before waxing E.Shrew 6-2, 6-0 on Sunday, I had a five game losing streak. Maybe I was sore from playing too much tennis, but it scares me to think that my game is no longer tight.

My team captain told me at the end of the last league season that I had improved. But there is a certain "knock" about me. I play with too much emotion to the detriment of the team. Being wound up so tight hurts our team in the first set. It jeopardizes winning the match because we must now take the 2nd and 3rd sets.

I think with more experience in this league, I will gradually get better about controlling my emotions. The one thing about me that everyone in the league notices is that I can get to every single shot. My legs are the best in the league. But is it enough to be picked tonight? Stay tuned...

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

New Orleans: Mardi Gras Day






As I was walking my dogs yesterday at 8am, I could feel the energy in the city of New Orleans. One by one, two by two or in groups... people were steadily streaming towards the heart of the French Quarter in costume. By noon, the epicenter of the day was the Bourbon Street Awards hosted by Bianca Del Rio at Bourbon St. and St. Ann.

From 11am until 7pm, E.Shrew and I celebrated our fourth straight day of Mardi Gras in New Orleans together. We had lots of fun. I even took out my thang for beads many times. I think the crowd's reaction made E.Shrew proud each time. He was a little embarrassed by my behavior, but proud nonetheless.

New Orleans: Mardi Gras Day Part Two






The first two pictures featured us with two winners in the Bourbon St. Awards. The New York Cheesecake won best overall costume. The Fantastic Four Wolverine man was SMOKING hot! Drool.

Of course, no Mardi Gras set of pics would be complete without the religious protesters. It's always make the day that much more fun when we are all naughty young boys and girls.

New Orleans: Mardi Gras Friends





We always have the best time in New Orleans when we get to spend it with our friends. The Shrew and I are very lucky we have some very good buddies to be merry with!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Celebrating with Hillary Clinton on Super Tuesday!

It's really all about coolness with me. Hillary is just the COOLEST candidate. We are having a trashy good time in the French Quarter on Mardi Gras Day. She's my kind of party gal! :)



Monday, February 04, 2008

Biting Me on the Ass All Weekend



The creator of this Comic Strip sent me a link to a funny AND timely masterpiece posted today. It brightened my morning. My head... is... getting... bigger. Must... contain. Sometimes, it's SO COOL to be a blogger. Thanks Aaron! :)

I have been hearing feedback all weekend about my controversial decision. Apparently, LOTS of my friends are still reading my blog! Even Jody, the juicy weiner man, at Good Friends had to chime in about it.

It's been fun to trade barbs back and forth. I am a big boy. I can take it. For some, I reply back that they can go get their anus stitched! Others tell me that I look great and they want to do something about their crow's feet too.  It's all good. :) Part of the cross I must bear as a blogger. The coolness definitely outweighs the bad.

Two More Days of Mardi Gras!


Mardi Gras is in full swing in New Orleans. It has been one big SLUR with two more days to go. Sucks to be you at the office today, huh? ;) Don't hate. That really just means less vacation days left for me than you. :(

I have made new friends from California (Todd and Jason). An actual fan of this blog approached me on Saturday and asked if my name was Brett. I admitted to it. I introduced him to E.Shrew, who he was equally excited to meet. It is always nice to be recognized on the street. Besides seeing many new faces in town, I have been carousing with my local buddies. FUN FUN FUN!

E.Shrew and I on a Bourbon Street balcony on Sunday:
Strippers Galore at the Bourbon Pub and OZ:
All kinds in all shapes and sizes:
E.Shrew looking down on Bourbon St. with background of Lafitte's in Exile.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

New Orleans: Mardi Gras Time!