Monday, June 23, 2008

This Marriage Aint Working!

I loathe her thunderous thighs. Perhaps if she were slimmer, those legs could contribute something to the effort. I swear to God... five more weeks left in this arraigned marriage will be the life of me.

Truth be told, my female partner doesn't have much respect for me either. Supposedly, I "over analyze everything". Well, I am so sorry. Excuse me for panicking when we just lost the first set and we are now way down in the second set!

Nothing seems to bother her either. We could blow a 40: Love lead and she'll exhibit perfect coolness. I'll get wound up tight with rage and she'll just chirp, "one point at a time". If I hear that phrase again or the chirping, I am going to fucking lose it!

Our Al and Peg Bundy comedy routine has gotten us off to an embarrassing 0-2 start in the Mixed Doubles League with five weeks left. She is giving me a complex that perhaps * I * don't make a good doubles partner.

At least with Whipping Boy, I can get him fired up with negative reinforcement. I remember my classic "Pep Talk" in Louisville. We had just lost the first set 6-1 to the #1 seed. We were down 4-1 in the second set. After Whipping Boy missed a shot, I angrily got right into his face and said, "If you don't start playing better, we are going to lose!"

Whipping Boy turned beet red and looked like he was going to punch me. It spurred us on to win five straight games and take the second set. Our opponents were stunned with the sudden reversal. In retrospect, I should have done the same thing in the third set so we could have won that one too. It would have been so apropos with my theme of... The End Justifies the Means.

I have since been forgiven by Whipping Boy for that outburst. We have gone to doubles partner counseling every Thursday and our "marriage" has improved by leaps and bounds! He now even sports this new shirt that says, "If you play better, I promise to try harder."

But my female doubles partner is.. umm... a lady. She would probably cry a river if I talked to her like I do Whipping Boy. I just say, "aww... you almost had it... it was close". I do everything in my power to sound convincingly supportive. After all, women are super-sensitive creatures.

So, tonight at 7pm... we shall try once again to establish the identity of our team. Can the ship be righted? Or am I just a lousy husband? For good measure, I am bringing a cattle prod on the tennis court with me. Stay tuned...


Blogger Paul said...

You need to get some coaching from your hetero friends. Most of them understand clearly the difficult task you're facing with thunder thighs.

June 23, 2008  
Blogger Jay said...

Dude, you can do it. I play with 2 women on 2 different mixes teams. They need positive reinforcement. Say "here we go" before each point. I swear, it works.

June 23, 2008  
Blogger Ryan Charisma said...

this is bullshit,


join a gay legue, after all, you're not chasing her for some vajayjay time anyway.


June 23, 2008  
Blogger Brettcajun said...


Unfortunately, we don't have a gay tennis league in Louisiana. There is only a gay volleyball league.

My men and mixed-doubles league plays RIGHT near where I work and 15 mins away from where I live. So, it's very convenient.

But I do wish I was part of a gay league. That makes me jealous that Houston and Dallas in nearby Texas have such thriving leagues.

June 23, 2008  
Blogger Ray's Cowboy said...

I thought at first you were married. I know allot of gay male and females who marry for benifits and other things. Reading I see you are talking about tennis. I do understand about you wanting to kill your female tennis partner. I have a moth muzzle you can borrow, I will not tell you how many mouths it was in, but who cares. Maybe you need a heart to heart talk with her about her game. Tell her your thoughts and fears, and that SHE SUCKS AT THIS GAME.
Well good luck tonight.

June 23, 2008  
Blogger mikeinbama said...

Damn, you're a harsh little bastard. This is the reason I hate playing doubles especially mixed doubles. I would rather lose on my own errors than someone elses.

June 23, 2008  
Anonymous Kevin M said...

Of course, you're overlooking the obvious solution: Get over it.

It's tennis, not the end of the world. It's a hobby - it's supposed to be FUN. If it isn't fun, then something's wrong.

And if you can only have fun if you win, then there's something wrong with you.

June 23, 2008  
Anonymous alnhouston said...

what about equal rights? Title IX?

Let her have it!!!

June 23, 2008  
Blogger Lacey said...

Ok now you're in MY league. I'll tell you what...they NEED to be treated like shit. Let her have it. She'll get all pissed off and probably play better. Even if she doesn' least YOU'LL feel better. Fuck her. Well, no, not literally...figuratively. Ick. (sorry honey)(did I mention that there's a missus Lacey?)

By the way...those pics of you in the bathing suit? Nice package dude.

June 23, 2008  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Can't you get along with anybody?

June 23, 2008  
Blogger cb said...

Is it twisted that I'm totally enjoying your doubles "marriage"??

This is good for you-- learning to deal with adversity and such.

June 24, 2008  

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