Your Mother is a Hook in my Snizz!
I am NOT in a happy mood today and it's all your mother's fault. Her utter lack of creativity is forcing me to do some spring cleaning. She has made an absolutely muck of my cell phone.
My address book is a complete mess. The biggest offending names are: Brian, Chris, John, Kevin, Michael, and Tony. Stupid me would have never dreamed that there would be four Chris's, four Tonys, five Johns, five Kevins, and six Brians in my life!
The absolute WORST offending name is "Michael". Your mother REALLY sucks!!! It doesn't matter if you go by "Mike", "Mikey", or "Michael", there are too freaking many of you. It's almost like you are all Chinese. Do you realize I have TEN of you in my cell phone?! If I need to call "Mom", I have to scroll through all of you to get to her. So rude.
How can I drive my SUV at 80 MPH and scroll through the same goddamned names efficiently? My brain takes too long to figure out who's who because I don't have last names for everyone. I am sorry, but last names aren't important in a bar!
It is still your mother's problem that I have to fix. She has given me no choice but to put a locale, a profession, a personality trait, or a sexual preference for all of you. From now on, you unoriginal tards will be listed as such on my cell:
Brian D. Bull
Chris PA Bear Cub
Kevin ATL Tarheel
Michael Evil Shrew
Michael Ex-Office Guy