Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year!

Cluster Bomb Mass Destruction over the Garden.


The Bonfire of the Vanities

Embers: please don't burn my Bannana Republic fleece pullover.
E.Shrew finds out what country folk REALLY burn in their backyard.
It sounds like a WAR ZONE here in the country. Fireworks are legal in my Parish. Almost every house is launching SHOCK and AWE campaigns on unknown enemy combatants. Never have I known war so close to home.

I originally thought my family was going to have a little bonfire and cozy little get together. I was wrong. It seems like everybody in the neighborhood is at the bonfire. E.Shrew and I had a good time. 

Our dogs are terrified. I am sure they are going to be extra snuggly tonight in bed. Let's hope there is a ceasefire soon. I can't take this living in a war zone much longer. 

New Years Eve Miracle


On a cold and blustery day, I defeated Whipping Boy 7-6, 4-6, 7-6. We started at 7:30am in 47 degrees weather. It was cold, but we are not Prima Donnas like Monte or the Shrew. The entire match lasted three long hours. It's all good because my glutes are quite well worked out.

I have FINALLY achieved a winning record in the Queen's Cup for the very first time. It feels GREAT! Do you know how humiliating it was to create a standings chart with my friends, only to find myself woefully behind? It has been downright embarrassing! Thank God I am ending 2007 on a winning streak!

The Queen's Cup Standings:
1. Monte (4-0) 1.00
2. Brettcajun (7-6) .538
3. Heath (2-2) .500
4. E.Shrew (1-3) .250
5. Whipping Boy (1-4) .200

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Dignity Restored!

OH MY GAWD! My dignity has been restored. I have just beaten E.Shrew 6-0, 6-1 at a nearby tennis court. YES!

The poor Shrew was so distracted by a White Trash family playing tennis near us, that he couldn't concentrate. They sucked. They all wore jeans and were making a loud disturbance. I almost said something, but the Mom and Dad looked like they had just escaped from prison.

Maybe I am being harsh, but they hit their tennis balls everywhere BUT where they were supposed to go. Whenever a kid would luckily hit a ball, they loudly cheered even if the ball flew onto other people's court. This happened the entire time. Why couldn't they take tennis lessons first?

To make matters worse, the adults kept climbing the 20 foot fence in front of their children and claimed they were spider man. The kids tried to immitate them, but failed. Who climbs the fence on tennis courts??? OMG! There is a certain standard of behavior that is expected on the tennis courts, and these folks were making it miserable for us.

Luckily for me, I was somehow able to overcome the distractions and finally get to . 500 for the first time since the Queen's Cup has begun. YES!!! I have now moved up to #2 in the rankings based on the sheer number of games I have played.

The Queen's Cup Standings:
1. Monte (4-0) 1.00
2. Brettcajun (6-6) .500
3. Heath (2-2) .500
4. Whipping Boy (1-3) .250
5. E.Shrew (1-3) .250

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Sitting on Pins and Needles with my Beauty Pageant Smile

What am I thinking of right this moment? I am nervously anticipating who will win Blog of the Year from Best Gay Blogs. When I was first nominated, I remember smiling because it came out of nowhere. I was like "Awww... that's nice." Then I saw a few familiar faces get nominated as well. I was like, "Good for them!". Now, I am on pins and needles bracing for the announcement.

This is just like any beauty pageant or awards ceremony. There will be one winner and many losers. How will I react if I do not win? What if the person that wins is a blogger buddy? Betch! Lordy, they'll hold that over my head forever! Hell, if I can't win, let someone unknown win. Isn't that awful? LOL.

Seriously, winning the "Blog of the Year" Award would mean so much to me. Why? Because being myself is such an important theme in my life. I used to keep myself well hidden from others because I feared they would reject me. Now, rather than keep much of my private life to myself, I bare all. I consider my blog a living and breathing manifestation of me. Warts and all. So, receiving an award would be like bonus points for being myself. However tacky and eyeball rolling that may actually be. ;)

If you believe in titles, tiaras, and sashes, a vote for me would complete a nice trifecta. When my friends scoff at the ridiculousness that is me, I can promptly add "Blog of the Year" to Consolation Queen and Mr. Bayou Grizzly. That should render their trap shut. Don't ya think? Having a tiara and being "Miss Anything" is important in the South. It's all we have!

In the spirit of the looming announcement, I have created a poll in the event I do NOT win:

Monday, December 24, 2007

Christmas Eve: Queen's Cup Standings

After many games in the past week, I have gone 3-2 against opponents in the Queen's Cup. I beat Heath, E.Shrew and Whipping Boy. Heath bested Whipping Boy Friday night and improved to #2 in the rankings at 2-2. Monte beat me twice over the weekend to improve to the BEST record at 4-0. Monte won 7-5, 6-1 on Saturday, then squeaked by 6-4, 6-4 on Sunday in our last game. E.Shrew narrowly lost a match to me today 7-5, 7-6.

The standings right now are kind of distorted and imbalanced. Of the thirteen matches played, there has only been two matches that did not involve me. Whipping Boy beat E.Shrew. Heath beath Whipping Boy. I have been the only one to play Monte, where he is 4-0 against me. :( He is clearly the best player in our group.

I would probably be a solid #2 had others had to play the 200#'s of aggressive court presence that is Monte. In fact, I am 5-2 against Heath, Whipping Boy and E.Shrew. My overall record is (2-1) against Heath, (2-0) against Whipping Boy and (1-1) against E.Shrew.

In the coming weeks, my goal is to have equally played everyone. I have to crack the whip and make sure they continue to play each other. Once we start getting more cross-play, the standings will become a more accurate picture of reality.

The Queen's Cup Standings:
1. Monte (4-0) 1.00
2. Heath (2-2) .500
3. Brettcajun (5-6) .454
4. E.Shrew (1-2) .333
5. Whipping Boy (1-3) .250

Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Twisted Family Sit-On-Lap Game

Last Saturday, my family had an early Christmas party where we exchanged gifts. The adults were instructed to bring one present for the gift game. We each pulled a piece of paper which contained a Cajun name or word. When my sister read your word from the Cajun Night Before Christmas book, you got to either open an adult present or steal someone else's. I drew "Boudreaux" and it was the first word read that anyone had. Because of my lucky draw, I got to pick the first present AND then steal the last one after they were all opened. I ended up with a real nice plant stand that changed hands the whole night. Woohoo! My sister-in-law was pissed! (EVIL GRIN)

The cringe factor didn't happen until we got to a twisted family game. My sister made us all sit in chairs lined up a big circle. She read from a long list of instructions that went like this... "If you are wearing a watch... move to the right." If nothing would apply, you just stayed seated. To win the game, you had to be the first person to get to your original seat. If you did, you won a present.

As the game began, we found out that if you were stuck occupying the same seat because one moved and the other didn't, you had to sit on their lap. Sometimes, two of your family members were sitting on your lap at one time. CRINGE!!!

We would have all survived this embarrassing family bonding game had it not been for my Evil Twin brother. Everytime E.Shrew or I had to sit on or get sat on by another male, my brother would bust a gut laughing and roundly make fun of whomever had to be involved. You know... because we are gay. Ewwww. The way he was acting, you would think it was the most scandalous thing to happen to anyone! The painful guffaws were constant everytime we moved and it lasted an excruciating ten minutes before the game mercifully ended.

E.Shrew was pissed being subjected to my brother's immaturity. Even my brother-in-law looked embarrassed by his behavior. Nobody else in my family behaves this way. Being gay is a part of who we are, but it is not all that we are. Yet, it was made painfully clear that it was icky every time another male had to share a chair with us. GROAN.

As for myself, I have had to endure this my whole life and I am quite used to it. I choose to tune it out. But I really can't now. E.Shrew doesn't want to ever go to another family function if he is going to be subjected to my loudmouthed twin brother. The "gay" issue always seems so big to him. Why? I wonder if my brother is hiding something?

Forbidden Love



LT WHO? I can love you better Jake. I think you would look GREAT wrapped up in purple and gold. Yeah, I agree. Orange is just NOT my color either!

Would I get in trouble if I like another Blogger's crush? What's the rules on this? I mean, it's not like someone could really wield their penis like a sword and fatally puncture me right? ;)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Tennis does the Body Good

I have only worked out twice in the gym in the last six months. I eat what I want. Yet, I am in the best shape of my life:

video

Mediocrity not for me

As I currently sit in my comfy chair, I am sore head to toe. I played tennis for two hours and forty-five minutes last night in 47 degrees weather. This was only one match. I repeat the same extreme exercise at least four times a week. Such a regimen has built me the best body I have ever had. Mock my choice to build my life around tennis, but it has given me a "porn star" body. But it hasn't always been this way.

Last March, I almost gave it all up. I got knocked out of the Austin tennis tournament 6-4, 6-4 by the #2 seed. I put everything I had into that game, but I still came up short. I remember wanting to quit tennis all together. If I couldn't ever be good at it, I didn't want to play anymore. I was at a crossroads during that fateful day.

Fortunately, I don't easily give up. I needed a better me. So, I joined an adult men's league last Fall where every one of those players play better than anyone I face in a GLTA tournament. I even upgraded my singles competition to include two individuals that regularly hit 12-25 aces a match. Yes, my overall record against these individuals is below .500, but the gap in our skills is quickly closing. I even expanded the sheer number of individuals I can play on a weekly basis to five to give me the maximum variety of play.

When I played in Houston last November, I was applauded by many others for improving my game. Some said my ground strokes were awesome. Others said I had the ability to chase down EVERY ball no matter where I was on the court. One person who watched me beat his friend exclaimed that I had improved five times since the last time he saw me.

That was my goal all along. I had to increase my tennis skills to give me a fighting chance to win a tournament. In 2008, I will ambitiously play in five tennis tournaments: Austin, Orlando, New Orleans, Dallas and Houston.

Which brings me to the point of this blog post. There are some grumblings out there that "it is all about me" in bullying others to play tennis every week. It is true that I am persistently trying to schedule tennis matches each and every week. The competitor in me is driven to succeed. My goal is to win tournaments in early 2008, and then move up to a higher division near the end of the year.

For all of you who complain, you should appreciate that I am also helping to build YOU into a better tennis player as well. All of you are now capable of HAULING ASS when you couldn't a year ago. Everyone I regularly play has improved as a result of my focus to improve my tennis skills. So, instead of bitching at the whip I have been slinging... be happy with the overhaul results.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Crawling Out of Last Place!

What a thrilling victory! I narrowly escaped losing to Heath tonight by a score of: 6-7, 6-3, 7-5. It was an intensely fought tennis match. We were both super fast and returned impossible shot after impossible shot.  I was even down 1-4 in the third set, before rallying to win the next 6 out of 7 games. Whew! It will rank up there as one of my most exciting victories ever. I actually felt bad that one of us had to lose the game tonight. We both played to the very best of our ability.

Since a disasterous start in The Queen's Cup, I have now won four straight matches. (One of my wins was a scrimmage and didn't count.) Heath may very well be the third best player out of our group. If Whipping Boy and E.Shrew would have the courage to play Heath, I think he would have a more respectable winning percentage.

Monte must have sensed an epic asswhooping looming because he backed out of playing me in tennis this past weekend. Wuss! I have a feeling his winning ways are over. I may be the only one out of the group that has the arsenal of weapons and steely determination to beat him.

The Queen's Cup Standings:
1. Monte (2-0) 1.00
2. Whipping Boy (1-1) .500
3. E.Shrew (1-1) .500
4. Brettcajun (3-4) .429
5. Heath (1-2) .333

Friday, December 14, 2007

Blog of the Year

Thanks to Best Gay Blogs, I have been nominated for Blog of the Year. Thank you, Thank you. Now who do I need to blow for this? Give me any kind of award or trophy, and I WILL put out! Just ask the Bayou Grizzlies. My Mama always taught me to smile pretty on stage and wink at the judges. ;)

Seriously... it is a gleeful honor to be nominated. I think of my proudest moment on my blog. It would have to be the Jiggy Dance Whoreoff Competition. I came up with the idea after I was totally bored reading other blogs. I wanted some EXCITEMENT in the blogworld. That little contest was fun and brought a sense of community right here on my blog. At 44 comments, it was a ratings spectacular! To see Adam, Kelly, Mark and Patrick stick out their neck and join me in something silly like Jiggy Dancing... was one of my most proudest moments.

As for which Jiggy Dance is my personal favorite, it would have to be towards the middle of this video podcast. I had all my cool dance moves. I did Rockette kicks, the Pee Wee Herman, and even embraced "my baby" when Amy Winehouse mentioned hers. Jimbo would cringe at the dark green Crocs I wore in the dance routine. The best part is remembering how much my boyfriend was smiling as he held up my Mac Book Pro to record it. I think this was the exact turning point when E.Shrew finally became a "Brettcajun fan". ;)

Thanks to Tate for all the great photography! We are planning a second photo shoot REAL SOON. That'll give me another six months worth of risque photos to cram down your throats. ;) Don't groan. Some of you must like seeing them... you keep coming back. It can't be for the tennis stories!

So... thank you Best Gay Blogs for making my day. Thank you blog readers for your adoration, support, love-hate relationship with me. I am glad for all the time we have spent together. Let's look forward to many more years of togetherness. ;)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Whacking at Fuzzy Balls on Crack!

One hour before my tennis match with Whipping Boy, I began to panic. I felt like Whitney on crack! I have been sick for exactly one week. I have just been sniffing Nasacort and taking Claritin D. Today, I began taking a 750 mg antibiotic named Levaquin. Mix in the Adderall XR... and I was pretty much an astronaut.

I didn't care. I was tired of resting hoping I would get better. After eleven days of sitting on my ass after work, I was determined to will myself back to good health. So I met my nemesis Whipping Boy on the court tonight. I knew this was Whipping Boy's best chance to beat me and end his horrible losing streak. Because I felt over medicated, I begged him to let us call it a "scrimmage" so it wouldn't count towards the Queen's Cup. Doh!

As it turned out, playing tennis on crack was a formidable weapon. My reaction time and hauling ass ability was slower than usual. At the net, I did not have the sharp attention necessary to bully it. So... how did it help? Neither Whipping Boy nor I knew where I was going to hit the ball. After 3,000 games against one another... there are not many surprises. I had some whack job swings... but they lead to impossible drop shots. Whipping Boy could only HISS at my "lucky shots".

I won a respectable victory 6-3, 6-3. The match was over after only an hour and fifteen minutes. We usually go three sets for two and a half hours. Not tonight. I left the tennis court feeling GREAT. It was such an awesome feeling to have those leg and glute muscles working again. Victory was even sweeter! But... I screwed that part up... it didn't count. :(

Monday, December 10, 2007

A Lazy Day

If I sound like "Kermit", it's because I was in Day 5 of my cold. This video was taken this last Sunday.

video

Thursday, December 06, 2007

What Farm Animal Are You?

Have you ever pondered what farm animal you most emulate? I do all the time. I would definitely be a Banty (Bantam)Rooster.


I am sure you have seen men like this out at your favorite watering hole. You know... short men that walk around with a swagger and a can of whoopass. It's all postering. Trust me. Banty Roosters are 1/4th the size of a regular chicken. They make up for their size disadvantage with overly aggressive behavior. Next time you see a short man walking around all tough, give him a bar nickname of "Banty Rooster" to your friends. Don't dare let him hear you say it though or he'll be up in your snizz ready to spur your ass!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

I'm REAL.

When you are REAL, you can easily verify anything about yourself. This is my college diploma from LSU.



But what if I stole that pic from someone else named Brett that also had a degree from LSU? Well...I can offer my easily recognizable body shot:



Still not convinced? Well... a REAL blogger can also put multiple images of the same thing with his face and pursed lips in the pic too:


And that, Mary, is what a REAL blogger can do! SNAP. SNAP. DOUBLE SWIRL. HMPFH!

Monday, December 03, 2007

It's Christmas Time!

video

The music is by Colbie Caillat "Mistletoe"

Saturday, December 01, 2007

LSU vs. Ohio State in the BCS National Championship!!!



I bet Jeff from Ohio is SHITTING NOW! His Ohio State Buckeyes have to play my LSU Tigers for the BCS National Championship on January 7th, 2008. Now, Jeff has to put his foot where his mouth is. You know us Southerners know how to play football. I think a good old fashion butt kicking is in order. I am DROOLING at the prospect that Jeff will be my bitch for a whole year! EVIL GRIN.

With #1 Missouri and #2 West Virginia losing on Saturday, Ohio State and LSU were the Cinderellas invited to the ball. Yes... I feel the venom from the college football world. They are saying LSU doesn't deserve it because they blew two previous chances when they were ranked #1. Well... SHIT HAPPENS! I am thrilled. This is turning into the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!! :)

Let's hope the LSU Tigers get back to full strength in the next five weeks so we can play some LSU FOOTBALL. I am praying for a healthy Matt Flynn, who has led us most of this season. He is great big game QB. Perriloux did a fine job as a backup QB against Tennessee, but he looks a little unsure out there calling plays. This is the third consecutive year that LSU has won more than 10 games each season. It's great to be an LSU Tiger aluminus and fan!

GEAUX TIGERS! Give the Ohio State Buckeyes a GOOD OLD FASHION SOUTHERN BUTT KICKING!!! :)


Separation Saturday

E.Shrew lost to Whipping Boy 3-6, 6-2, 6-2. This victory raised Whipping Boy from Bottom Dweller to a second place tie with Heath and E.Shrew. Congrats to Whipping Boy for coming back!

I lost a HOTLY contested 3 1/2 hour tennis game  to Monte 6-3, 5-7, 6-1. It was a battle of attrition and Monte came out on top in the end. It was my fifth tennis match in four days, but I was proud of the fight I put up. Monte is almost 200#'s of aggression. I almost had him defeated and dejected after the second set, but he somehow summoned some hidden evil powers and waxed me in the third set. :( Congrats Monte. Can your undefeated streak continue? Stay tuned.

The Queen's Cup Standings:

1. Monte (2-0)
2. Heath (1-1)
3. Whipping Boy (1-1)
4. E.Shrew (1-1)
5. Brettcajun (2-4)