Today I stop being Hetero

I feel so Hetero. Grunt. Scratch. Spit. Except when I watch these videos. They are so cool with their fantastic hand movements. The outfits are fierce. Mommie.. can I be an LSU Golden Girl?


My theme song for today:

Who wants to be an LSU Golden Girl? (are you ready for some college football?)

The #2 ranked LSU Tigers face off against Mississippi State tonight on national television. The other noteworthy SEC games this weekend are: Tennessee vs. Cal-Berkeley, Georgia vs. Oklahoma State, and Auburn vs. Kansas State.

Are you ready for some football???!!! Do you want to be an LSU Golden Girl? If you do, please answer the following poll:

Losing Streak Over

Before I write this post, I humbly bow down on my knees to the Blog Investigative Committee. In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, I pray for clemency. I realize that any posts about tennis are frowned upon by your Excellencies. I plead for a personal exemption. See, I do realize that these posts are ratings losers. My comments plunge. I am suddenly unpopular on this day. But there are about four people out there on the internet that actually look forward to these tennis posts.

So... assuming my pardon will be granted... I would like to announce that my losing streak to the Office Guy is officially over! Because of time constraints before work, we only play one set. I am very vulnerable when I play only one set, because I usually win the second and third sets of a full match. It takes me a whole set to get warmed up, feel out my opponent, and get sharp in my ball placement. After losing three straight to the Office Guy, I finally threw the monkey off my back. I was down 0-2 in the set, but I rallied back and won 6-4. I lead our series 9-7. WHEW! Today... I am beaming because I am a winner!

In all seriousness, I am taking upcoming tennis tournaments in Dallas (October 6th-8th) and Houston (November 9-11th) very serious. I am now playing the Office Guy twice a week at 6am on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Additionally, I joined a local adult men's league. We start next week every Thursday evening at 6:30pm. There, I will be paired with another person on a doubles team. They will match my skill level with other players and move me up or down for eight weeks depending on my performance. This will be EXCELLENT practice for me. Brian D. will be my doubles partner in Dallas. He is highly ranked in our GLBT division in both singles and doubles. It is an honor to be his doubles partner, so I want to put in a good showing.

I am hoping that Whipping Boy and E.Shrew (who will both be participating in these tournaments with me), will also commit to playing full matches against me every week from now until these tournaments. I want our little nit to do well in the Big D. Maybe Adam and Mark can cheer for us in the stands when we play in Dallas for the Texas Open 2007. That would be sweeeeet.

If you click on my picture, which was taken last week, you can see my hat in 3-D, my crows feet up close and personal, and practically lick the sweat off my shoulder. Try it and see for yourself!

Decadence, Debauchery, and Atari Age

Laissez les bons temps rouler is Cajun for "Let the good times roll!" It represents the good life that many here in south Louisiana love to experience. Cajuns love to party. We are an emotional people who are often times very touchy-feely, nip tugging, and huggy. E.Shrew and I will get to show a very special person this life as we host Atari Age this coming weekend. Yeah, that's right...we are hosting a damned Yankee for a weekend of overindulgence in booze, sex, and everything New Orleans has to offer.

It's Southern Decadence weekend coming up! There will be lots of sex on the streets. Lots of drinking. We may pull out Slab and the Atari Sledgehammer to get Mardi Gras beads thrown at us from the balconies up above. Hurricanes from Pat O'Briens will be free flowing. Sex in the bars. Tequila shots. More drinking. Hot strippers galore! Fun! Fun! Fun! We'll make sure Atari Age is well drained before he leaves the Big Easy. ;)

Meet My Real Other Half

E.Shrew and I played Whipping Boy and E.Twin today. That slightly larger person that kinda looks like me is my twin brother. He is sporting a moustache like he always does. For some reason, he has never gotten adventurous enough to grow a goatee or a beard. Somebody tell that straight boy to live a little! It was fun to play a doubles tennis match with him today though. It's been a while. E.Shrew and I won 6-2,6-3.

I've Never Been To Me

You are all bitches. Jeez. Okay... your wish is granted. This is me doing Charlene's famous nellie song.

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Choose the Next Jiggy Dance!

Hair Did, Unibrow Waxed

With Decadence around the corner, I got my haircut in New Orleans. I even got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in over 10 years. It may surprise you that this is only the second time in my life that I got my eyebrows waxed. I never wanted to have queeny eyebrows you see on so many Heauxmeauxs. But my hairdresser convinced me it was time.

It was good to see E.Shrew again. He flew in from Boston at noon today. He's cuddly and smells good. It is nice to have a snuggle buddy. Especially if he has a porno penis.

The Song Playing in my Head Right Now

Chorus:
Losing away again in loserville
Searching for my lost shred of pride
Some people claim that theres an attitude to blame
But I know its nobodys fault

I dont know the reason
I played here all season
Nothin to show but this bruised ego
But its a real beauty
A pouty lip cutie
How it got here I havent a clue

Chorus:
Losing away again in loserville
Searchin for my lost shred of pride
Some people claim that theres an attitude to blame
Now I think
Hell, it could be my fault

I am an Elitist Snob

I plucked down some major Benjamins to get the XBOX 360 Elite. It's pretty cool. My twin brother had to help me figure out what to do with the audio and video plugs into my HDTV. I could never get my sound or picture to sync. Now it works perfectly. I am "BrettLSUFan" on XBOX live. Anyone want to play me? I bought Madden '08 (cuz I am so butch) and Bioshock. I played as the New Orleans Saints on Madden '08 against the hated Atlanta Falcons. I whooped ass 63-3 in five minute quarters. That was pretty amazing, considering I didn't figure out how to properly kick the ball until halftime. Thank goodness Devery Henderson and Deuce McAllister were high scoring MOFO's for me. ;)

Confessions

I have to come clean. In light of the latest events to hit the blogworld, I feel the urge to confess a few things about myself. There have been times I lose horribly in tennis and suddenly find way more interesting subjects to blog about on those particuliar days.

I have expert sucking-in technique so you folks mistakenly believe I am in WAY better shape than I actually am. You can actually catch me looking preggers if I am not watching out for the paparazzi cameras. Yes! It's true! It's probably the biggest misrepresentation I do! Sob. Where's my hanky?

To clear up a few rumors... I don't live in a trailer, a double wide, or a house on wheels. I have not posted a picture of my house because I am not yet done with all the landscaping. The banana plants, ginger, various bushes and ferns have all taken root and are looking beautiful. On my outside deck, we just hung ferns so now the place is looking prettier. Maybe in the future I'll post pics of it.

Let's see... what else? What about all those farm animals? Boudreaux and Pierre are really my dogs. I really do live on my family's farm. Those are really our horses. I don't trespass on someone else's land and take pictures of their horses. Rocky and Myrtle are really my favorite Rooster and Hen. I have eight other hens that don't get nearly enough top billing on my blog.

I don't borrow the neighborhood kids to pose for a fake yard football game with the nephews. I really did send my poor nephew Connor to the hospital playing hockey one day last year. He ran slap into me as we were playing on concrete. Yes, that was retarded to play hockey on concrete. Poor kid got a concussion and I felt horrible about it.

Would the blog investigative committee please consider looking into whether Bunny Lynn Boofay and Brushstrokes is the same person? Have you noticed that both blogs have mysteriously gone quiet about the same time? I swear I am on to something there!

Whipping Boy: My Little Mold of Clay

The Whipping Boy project has been years in the making. When we first met, Whipping Boy was a meek man. If the ball wasn't hit within five feet of him, he was not going to get to it. Hauling ass was foreign to him.

Through intense training and the patience of a Saint, I have successfully molded my clay into a fierce fighting tennis MOFO. Last night, Whipping Boy was a hungry dog starved for a win. Whipping Boy actually bared his teeth and played his best match against me in recent memory. In fact, by the end of the night, we had each won the same number of games. ASTONISHING! Unfortunately, I won the critical games necessary to win the match. I won 1-6, 6-4, 6-3. I have that killer instinct to close out a match.

I want to applaud Whipping Boy for his finest hour though. He completely blew me out of the first set. Every single point was fiercely fought over with some amazing rallies. It was balls to the wall aggression.

Perfect timing to start ascending right before our tennis tournaments in Dallas (6 weeks away) and Houston (10 weeks away). My little mold of clay is now a mean fighting machine rising just in time for these tournaments. I pity his first round opponent who is not going to expect to face such a hungry dog in the first round. Whipping Boy is going to pull off some amazing upsets of some highly seeded players.

Help Me! My Dogs are on Chicken Crack!

I am a parent living in fear for the safety of myself and my children. Some concerns are now being raised about chicken Jerky treats from the Bestro brand. The trouble is my dogs are already chicken crack addicts. Sob. I know. I feel riddled with guilt for introducing my children to it. Boudreaux and Pierre's chicken crack of choice is chicken jerky tenders from Waggin' Train Brand.

I looked at the huge stash I bought from Walmart and gulped when I realized that these treats, just like Bestro's Brand, are made in China. I spent $13 to feed Boudreaux and Pierre's chicken crack addiction! And their crack comes from China?! What in the hell do I do now? Why didn't I look at the label before I bought it? If I had known that this came from China, I would have NEVER bought it!

Am I being racist? No. I just think Chinese companies and businessmen are greedy little bastards that care more about making a dollar than selling something safe.

I am laying down the law. My household will be a chicken crack free zone from now on. Boudreaux and Pierre will just have to go to Rehab if they have a problem with my decision. That reminds me... I'll have to double check the gate to the hen house. Rocky the Rooster and Myrtle's lives may now be jeopardy from my two crackhead canines!

On the Horse Farm

These pics were taken on Sunday. E.Shrew and I took the "Gator" and rode around to look at the young colts and phillies that were born this year. Thanks to the Palomino stud horse, this year delivered some very beautiful offspring. Of course, there was a mishap when I drove the Gator right into a drainage ditch. We were stuck and I had to get my father to pull us out. It was embarrassing because I felt like a little kid having to call Daddy for help. Ha ha.

What is a Turducken?

According to Wikipedia, a Turducken is a de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken. The cavity of the chicken and the rest of the gaps are filled with, at the very least, a highly seasoned breadcrumb mixture or sausage meat, although some versions have a different stuffing for each bird.

I have never eaten one before, but this weekend I received my Turducken from Cajun Grocer. It arrived via UPS in a tightly sealed styrofoam package with ice pack inserts. The Turducken arrived frozen. I had ordered the Turducken with Creole Sausage & Cornbread Stuffing.

We put the Turducken in the refrigerator overnight to thaw out. The next day, we set the oven to 325 degrees for 4 1/2 hours. We did this right before we went to play tennis on Saturday. PERFECT TIMING! All we had to do was remove the packaging, place the Turducken in a pan and cover with aluminum foil. That was it! The Turducken came out perfectly moist and seasoned. It was so delicious to taste the cornbread dressing and the different flavors of meat. We loved every BITE of it.

I shared with my twin brother and his son, and they loved it as well. We ate on this meal three times and we still have plenty for left overs. The best part of the meal was that it was already prepared. All you have to do is stick it in the oven and the work is already done for you! For someone like me who is shy about cooking something so big for a lot of guests... this is PERFECT!

Thanks Steve at Cajun Grocer for sending me something SO delicious. We very much appreciate it and we'll remember your kindness forever. You guys should check out his website for some wonderful Cajun products. I am going to encourage my big family to look into ordering Turduckens from Steve for Thanksgiving!

The Competitors

A friendly tennis tournament between friends took place just a while ago. Three players who were very familiar with one another were participants:

Brettcajun

E.Shrew

Whipping Boy

We played a "Winner Stay Up" format. The first person to win 10 games is crowned "Champion".

Trying to out-muscle the competition was not working...

E.Shrew bolted out to a seemingly insurmountable lead. I was quite bitter considering he has been in "retirement" from tennis.

At this point, the only way I was going to win was to exhaustively win six straight games. A hard task considering E.Shrew had just won his ninth game. I was quite pissed off. CLICK PIC TO SEE MY EXPRESSION:


Never one to give up, the WINNER by a nose is...

Final Results:
1. BRETTCAJUN -- 10 WINS
2. E.SHREW-- 9 WINS
3. WHIPPING BOY-- 2 WINS

I Love Jockstraps

Credit Crunch

Lordy. Lordy. It looks like Big Rob was right. Not only is Rob the woofiest man on planet Earth, he has premonitions that come true! It seems about once a year, there is some drama that unfolds that makes CNBC actually riveting to watch. Now, it's all about the credit crunch for mortgage backed securities. It's spreading so fast that the credit markets are drying up fast everywhere.

It makes me nervous too. My dad always preached about the wrongs of having a credit card, a car loan, etc. He said if you don't have cash to pay for it, then you shouldn't get it. He sounds like a genius now. Although, technically my parents did have a mortgage way back when they were paying $365 a month in the 1970's. My dad just conveniently forgot about that loan. No, it was for a real house.... not a trailer you bastards.

Boy how times have changed. When I had a mortgage in Baton Rouge, my monthly payment was close to $1,000 a month. I thought that was a fortune I was paying, until some of my out of state friends were telling me how much they pay for rent. My home was beautiful, but it was a money pit. It was something I could be proud of, but it left me dirt poor. I was glad (and lucky) to be able to shed that extravagant expense that I was so proud of.

Yesterday, I decided to shed more expenses that I didn't need... my credit cards. Those pesky credit cards have monthly interest charges and late fees that I didn't need to pay. It is too easy to use them as "free money". So, instead of paying the man anymore, I decided to pay off all of my credit card bills.

Since most of my wealth is tied up into my 401-k retirement plan, I am not touching that. Instead, I cashed out money I was putting into a mutual fund every month for the last year. I will effectively be debt free again. Whew! Life off the credit wagon will be good for me. Lord knows I have had my overindulgences in travel this year.

Keeping up with the Joneses has never been a game of mine. Hell, I am still driving my seven year old Nissan Pathfinder with 147,000 miles. It was the best investment I ever made because I paid cash for it. In credit crunch times like these, I am enjoying my low-overhead lifestyle just fine. It helps me sleep like a baby with no worries.

Axe Murderer Beats Brettcajun 7-5, 6-3

I met Axe Murderer on my home court this afternoon. He was a very nice gentleman who I enjoyed meeting. It'll be fun getting to know him in the future and I hope we can play many more matches together. Axe Murderer won 7-5, 6-3. I could definitely see that his skills were far superior to mine. I think I could probably win 30% of the time against him. I played more like I was "happy to be playing". I didn't deploy nearly as much aggression as I do against other players. But next time -- WATCH OUT! I was proud of my performance considering Axe Murderer plays in a Class A division in Florida. I am more of a Class C player.

New Rankings:

1. Axe Murderer (1-0 against me)
2. Brettcajun
3. Office Guy (5-8 against me)
4. Heath (won and lost a match to me recently)
5. Whipping Boy (hasn't won in the eons)
6. E.Shrew (retirement?)

Delving into the mind of a Crazed Cajun

On this sultry summer morning, your favorite Coonass in the blogworld is at it once again trying to find out whether his pitiful existence is that of a champion or a loser. Let's check in on him, shall we?

"Whoa! Office Guy has come to play! I cannot believe how perfect he is hitting the ball. The net is not reaching up and grabbing ANYTHING he sends my way!" Folks, I am down 1-3 in the set. Stammering. "Ack! This can't be happening. I am an LSU Tiger. He is an Indiana Hoosier." Down 1-4. "Ack! I'm LSU! He's Indiana!" Down 1-5. "ACK! Son of a Bitch! This can't be happening."

Moderator: It sure looks like an asswhooping of epic proportions is being administered to Brettcajun. Oh, Dear... this does NOT look good! Will that rascally crazed coonass engineer the world's biggest comeback? He has done it before against Whipping Boy, Heath and this same Office Guy. Each one of them have choked on the raging Cajun's wad after seemingly having victory easily in hand. Would history repeat itself?

It looks like the Office Guy is a bit concerned. He was leading 40:Love, but the pesky Cajun competitor has just scored two straight points. Can Office Guy hold on? The Office Guy serves up a masterfully wicked serve. Wow! That has a curve to it! The Cajun mutters "I AM LSU!" The serve is returned with a fierce backhand. The Office Guy returns the favor with a more wicked drop shot! We hear... "He's... Indiana... Gulp... Noooooooooo...."

This is the end. Brettcajun has just suffered his worst defeat at the hands of Office Guy 1-6. His five game winning streak against Office Guy is abruptly snapped in the most ahem... embarrassing of fashions. Awww... would you look at that pouty lip? That sucker is out in full force right now.

Poor Brettcajun. Does this make him a loser in life? If the Office Guy put such an asswhooping on him this morning, what will the Axe Murderer do for an encore this afternoon? Can we stamp "LOSER!" on Brettcajun's whole existence if he gets thumped again? Stayed tuned...

AFTERNOON TENNIS MATCH:

#1 Axe Murderer Vs. #2 Brettcajun
4:30pm Burnside Courts

An Epic Asswhooping on the Horizon?

I asked my tennis coach Tim if I had a fighting chance against a player rated "4.0". Coach Tim bluntly replied back that I was going to get my ass whooped! Apparently, I rate myself WAY BETTER than Coach Tim does. We wrangled over whether I was a 3.0 or 3.5 player. Hmpfh! Is Coach Tim a hater too?

I guess I shouldn't have thrown down a challenge to Coach Tim on that fateful day. I was cranky from two hours of exhausting tennis lessons. I was tired of being told I wasn't listening or doing it right. I got so pissed off, I immediately demanded that Coach Tim play me. Whoops. BIG MISTAKE! He soundly destroyed his grasshopper with an evil grin the whole way. I think he secretly loved the fight in me though! ;)

I am hoping that my younger age will give me an advantage since the heat index has been very high over the last few days. If I can win the battle of fatigue in the second and third sets, I stand a fighting chance. I must somehow find out my opponent's weaknesses and try to cover mine. If my opponent has no weakness, this will truly be an asswhooping of epic proportions! Stop drooling you bastards.

I must now draw inspiration from individuals I truly admire. Voltaire! Machiavelli! Sun Tzu! Please give me the mental fortitude to dissect my enemy combatant and wage a successful war on the tennis court today!

Are you Popular? Do People Like You?

I stumbled across this when I was trying to look up someone's profile. I found it VERY intriguing. You plug in your AIM name and someone elses to see who is more socially connected. It goes by how many people have buddylisted you and how many have subsequently buddy listed those individuals. That's basically it.

I had fun plugging in people I can't stand and finding sheer JOY in the fact that nobody liked them either! You want to battle me baby? Simply plug in "Brettcajun" and your AIM name on the AIM FIGHT PAGE. That's our score. Now, plug in people you can't stand! See... it's not YOU that's the problem! It's HER!




Why Fight?
What can fighting really prove? Using a complicated algorithm, AIM® Fight crawls through the depths of the Internet to answer the all-important question that plagues us all: How popular am I right this second?

TRY IT FOR YOURSELF!

My Date With An Axe Murderer

I have recently recieved emails from someone who wants to play me in tennis. We have a play date today. I have never met the person before, but they found out about me through my blog. Considering I am playing in upcoming tennis tournaments in Dallas and Houston, I always welcome the challenge of playing new people. Even Axe Murderers who say "I'm your biggest fan!"

This reminds me of my first Southern Decadence with E.Shrew. I was approached excitedly by a couple who were screaming "OH MY GAWD! It's Brettcajun!" This was before the blog. They were fans of mine from some quirky webcam site. You know... where you jiggy dance. I had to smile and pose for pictures. It was all very surreal. Hey, I am a celebrity to some people! E.Shrew should have foreseen what the future with me would be like, tucked tail, and ran!

I meet the Axe Murderer on the tennis court this afternoon under a sweltering sun. If I shall not return, please don't shed any tears for me. No, really. I've had a good life. Being axed by a fan would be so à propos. For the haters, contact Joe for the biggest Net celebration ever! ;)

I Got It From My Mama

Hmm... you would think somebody dancing like this just got laid!

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Payback is a Bitch

I played Heath this morning at City Park in New Orleans. He beat me two weeks ago in a marathon three set game. I was determined to get revenge. Unfortunately, Heath hired a tennis coach and has been practicing on a clay court. I went "OH SHIT!" when I was suddenly down 0-5 in the first set. I was playing a robot. No matter how well I hit the ball, Heath hit it harder and placed it better. I was about to get handed a 0-6 waxing in the first set.

Instead of trying to conserve my energy for the next set, I decided to fight on. I had to figure out how to beat Heath. In the sixth game, I tried something different. I hit the ball higher and with less velocity. It worked brilliantly as Heath's 100 % accuracy suddenly began to drop. That was the magic poison pill I needed to make Heath swallow. It was pretty potent as I rattled off seven straight victories to take the first set 7-5.

In the second set, Heath once again went up big at 1-4. I chipped away at his lead until I finally tied the set at 5-5. In the next two games, I won the battle of attrition under the scorching sun. I walked away with the second set 7-5. So, I ended up winning 7-5, 7-5 in a two and a half hour tennis match. Whew.

I guess the moral of the story is: if you are playing a snake, be sure you chop off the head and stay well away before it comes back and bites you.

Twenty Days until Viewing Ecstasy

On August 30th, America's most beautiful contribution to the world begins. It is the BEST soap opera you can find anywhere. It is on this day that College football kicks off with a bang! You want drama? College football. You want heart wrenching and exhilarating live television? College football. In a few weeks, my television will finally come to life and actually begin serving a meaningful purpose. It will display the American cultural phenomenon of college football. It is truly the best that America gives to the world. Besides me. ;)

I am fortunate enough to live in SEC country where the best football in the land is played. It is this premiere conference where NFL teams draft more studs than any other conference. In the SEC, football is our religion. One loss by your favorite team, and your whole damned weekend is ruined. One bad call from a referee (cough LSU vs. Auburn), and the balance of power in the race for the BCS National Championship shifts dramatically.

There is plenty of intrigue in the SEC. Which unlucky SEC coach will be croomed this year? This is a term for when a team gets upset by sorry-ass Mississippi State. Usually, in a highly competitive conference like the SEC, you are fired if you are croomed. On that same line of questioning, what sucky football team will Georgia lose to this year? Last year it was to Kentucky and Vandy.

Getting to more serious plots, the weight of the SEC vs PAC-10 rivalry is on Tennessee's shoulders when the Vols take on the Cal-Berkely Bears. Talk about pressure on both clubs! LSU's Les Miles versus Alabama's Nick Saban duel on November 3rd will truly be an epic battle between Good and Evil. Will Steve Spurrier finally win a big game with the perennial under-achieving South Carolina Gamecocks? Who will win the annual slugfest between LSU and Auburn this year? Will those pesky Arkansas Razorbacks once again sneak into the SEC Championship Game when Auburn and LSU fans rightfully assume that they alone are sole heirs to that throne?

Nationally, everyone wants to know who will make it to the BCS National Championship game in New Orleans. Will it be #1 USC versus #2 LSU? Please God, if I can't win Powerball... let my LSU Tigers play the USC Trojans for the National Championship. If you can't intervene, then please bless some other SEC school to carry the torch to beat the shit out of media darling USC. PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!

I know all of you Food Network Heauxmeauxs are not even reading this sportssss post. I think it is sad. If you don't watch football, you miss the best in television. You'd rather watch some designer get their panties in a wad in something so unimportant to American culture such as Project Runway. Yet, you refuse to indulge a little in America's national pastime. Tsk. Tsk. Your head should be away from that sewing machine and deeper into football.

Ponderings of a Pouty Lip

I have to confess something. Despite what you may have heard, I am made of the same flesh and blood that you are. Contrary to my attempts to snuff them out, I do have emotions and feelings. To the average lay person that reads the blog, I am Xena: Warrior Princess. But I do have periods where I am sad and feel vulnerable. I am just as human as you are afterall.

My pouty lip is out in full form today. B and G would promptly scold me and tell me to put that thing up! They see the pouty lip (and sometimes Slab) poke out from time to time over a beer or ten at the Bourbon Pub. It's usually when I am alone with them and we are a trio commiserating about our spouses. B and G are a couple.

There are several reasons for the springing of the pouty lip. It's truly my own damned fault. I have a penchant for always accepting less from others than I truly deserve. Being passive aggressive, I want to come out swinging when the tension builds to a certain point. But is that really the smart way to handle things? Probably not. But I can't help it. I am human. Therefore I am imperfect.

So, I stew. I plot. I delve into self-pity. When will I finally make a move? Any kind of move! When will I budge out of my comfort zone and be my own boss? When will I take the reigns of my own life and steer the horse in the direction I truly want to go? That is what I am pondering right now.

Speaking of pondering... is it just me... or does Bunny Lynn Boofay look a lot like Brushstrokes?

Why this Bear Cub Plays Tennis:

PREFACE: That angry look in all the photos below probably has something to do with not seeing the BF (Buttsexer Friend) in over 10 days. There is a lot of bitchy tension pent up and unreleased with four more days to go!

I LOVE SMACKING FUZZY THINGS AROUND
My tennis racquet is my sword. My opponent is the dragon I must skillfully slay. Smacking around a fuzzy ball using every muscle fiber in my body is the ultimate adrenaline rush. If I win, it is because I worked and trained harder than you. It means that I did not rest on a single point. I hauled ass within a split second necessary to return a blistering shot back at you.

IF I MUST DO CARDIO, GIVE ME POINTS
I have played tennis four out of the last five days. I am burning loads of calories. I feel strong and energized. All this play never feels like exhausting exercise. It feels like fun adrenaline-fueled excitement. To me, I am scoring points and trying to win a big game. But I am really shedding critical bear pudge right before Southern Decadence. A Win-Win!

CHALLENGES ARE GOOD FOR ME
When I am on the tennis court, I am challenged on every point. I have to be in good physical shape, have stamina, and be mentally tougher than my opponent. Winning a tennis match is as much about skill as it is mental fortitude. I love breaking down my opponent's game and creating a strategy to defeat him. If I am successful, I not only win the challenge... I win the game too.

Ahem... winning is especially sweet if your opponent is an Ex-Marine, who plays on an adult soccer club. This Heauxmeaux (Cajun for "homo") beat THAT guy 7-6 for the fourth time in a row this morning. I now have an 8-4 record against The Office Guy. :)

I Smack Wu Bitch!

When wu wose twice in a woe,
Who do wu caw?
Whipping Boy! Caw Whipping Boy!

When wu want to waquish the well-word,
Who do wu caw?
Whipping Boy! Caw Whipping Boy!

Wosing is for wosers,
So who do wu caw?
Whipping Boy! Caw Whipping Boy!

I smacked dat bitch Whipping Boy 4-6, 6-0, 6-2. Dey don't call him "Whipping Boy" for nothing! I wuv winning!

A Nightmare for you, Happened to Me...

God has a wonderful sense of humor. He really does. I was drenched in a sweaty Rugby T-Shirt yesterday after playing a fiercely competitive doubles match for a couple hours.

I take off my clothes. I shower. I go to unlock my locker and the Effing key does not work! I was like "Noooooo.... this is not happening to me!" I try in vain to get the locker open but nothing was working. Great! Even my towel is in my locker! I am standing in this vast locker room butt naked with no one around. What if nobody comes in the locker room? What if I am stuck here until eternity in nakedness? I am screeeeewed.

I could hear God's voice. It strangely sounded like Whipping Boy. "Well, Brett. You are certainly in a pickle now aren't you? What's the problem? You love being naked. Just go out there and get your keys. What's the problem?" I just smiled.

Oh... this is TOO good. Here I was totally naked and there wasn't even so much as a fig leaf to cover me up. I would have to wait for someone to find me in the locker room and try to help me. I felt like my whole world had suddenly stopped. I had nothing with me except for what I was born with. I was totally NOT in control and at someone else's mercy. The control freak in me had me feeling like a caged bunny rabbit.

Fortunately, a kind man who had been obviously jogging entered the locker room (ignored my nakedness) and asked if I was having trouble. I blushed. I asked him if he could go find the manager to help me with my locker. The jogger promised to find help and promptly vanished. Thank God for the kindness of strangers!

While the jogger was fetching the staff, I had resigned myself to the fact that dignity would have to go out the window. I had no choice in my helpless predicament. It was shorty after that I suddenly noticed that the locker was not pushed in all the way. My heart raced! I immediately gave the locker a big manly push. That did the trick! The key now worked perfectly. WHEW! My most embarassing moment has ended!

I was fortunately able to wrap a towel around my nakedness before the jogger and staff arrived back in the locker room. I was spared further embarrassment of feeling helpless. Whew! Now, I can only smile at what happened. Something that you would have a nightmare about, actually happened to me.

Back Home in Louisiana

I drove 4 1/2 hours back home from Houston, Tx all by myself. I am a BIG BOY! :) Usually I con E.Shrew or Whipping Boy into doing all the driving while I sleep in the passenger seat. Ha Ha. I had a FABULOUS weekend. I got to see many familiar faces. I got to see that Galveston, Tx has the craziest people on the planet Earth. I got to meet some new and interesting people. I was able to see that my progress in becoming a better tennis player is coming to fruition. It was great to be able to go to another city and have a base of friends to go visit. :) I am now sitting on the couch watching the Saints versus the Pittsburgh Steelers in the first NFL game of preseason. (Hall of Fame Game)

Doubles Match with Brian

Today I played with the Houston Tennis Club. Brian D. and I played as Doubles Partners against two guys in a higher classification than us. We lost the first set 7-6. We were tied 6-6 in the second set, before time ran out. Some rude prick ran us off the court because he had training to do. We just had the seven point tie-breaker game left to play. Now, we'll never know if we were just as good. I think we are. I got the nicest compliment from a guy named Mark who played against us. He said my skill level was every much in the same classification that he plays in. :) Wow. That made me smile. I think Brian and I made GREAT teammates! Thanks Brian. It was a pleasure as always. ;)