Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Tiger Cub becomes the Chosen One

Louisiana media circles are buzzing with news that the next mascot for LSU, Mike the Tiger VI, has been chosen! (not pictured) This has to be one of the most anticipated news stories of the year. LSU and Mike the Tiger are as important to Louisiana, as the War Chicken is to Auburn. It's our mascot... dude! The tiger cub is 2 years old and hails from Indiana. Before officially naming the cub as the new mascot, they are going to monitor him for two weeks at his prestigious habitat on the LSU campus. Everyone is waiting on pins and needles to see if Mike the Tiger VI will debut in time for the first LSU Tigers home football game against Virginia Tech on September 8th.

E.Shrew and I will be there for that game. We'll be tailgating with the Krewe of Kweers (KOK). That is NOT a joke! That is a real tailgating crew made up of a gaggle of queers. It will be nice to hang around some sports loving Homeaux's. If you don't like football... then you are either just a BIG SISSY or you are an alumnus of some crappy PAC-10 school. Football in the South... a TRADITION. I can't wait to feast on Aubie, Hog and Bama butt this football season! LSU is favored to win the SEC Championship and play in the BCS National Championship Game. GEAUX TIGERS!!! KICK THEIR ASS!

Why it is GREAT to be a Blogger...

It is not all the overtures for sex. Not many of you contact me for that. :( There haven't yet been any marriage proposals from billionaire oil execs that want to lavish me in a nice lifestyle. That is only a pipe dream. ;)

My inbox really only gets filled up by people wanting me to push a political issue, a gay man's health issue, a movie or a musical artist. I do get wonderful music cd's sent to my house like Patty Griffin's breathtaking "Children Running Through" album. I will not be surprised if that album wins a Grammy award because it is THAT good. I once got an offer for an expense-free bed and breakfast weekend in Province Town, but I haven't taken them up on it yet because it involves putting a banner ad on my blog.

Just yesterday, I got an email from Cajun Grocer asking if I would be interested in trying out a free Turducken and writing a review about it on my blog. They are marketing to Cajun bloggers to help get the word out about their fabulous cajun food products. If I accept this food, gorge on it, and write a fabulous review... does this make me a sellout?

With all these marketing pushes to my blog celebrity self, I even dreamed last night that Pokey Chatman sent me something in the mail! In my dream, Pokey sent me a CD where she sings about her struggles and her perseverance. I was happy to hear she is doing well. :) I WAS surprised that Pokey has a great singing voice! WOW. Who would have thought that?

It has me thinking of you other bloggers. I am quite convinced free lube and fleshlights are delivered every week to Durban Bud. I can just tell from his writing style lately. Hell, JIMBO probably gets free beard trimmers and Spice Girl memorabilia. I wouldn't be surprised if Adam's tech-friendly blog gets him free games, consoles and movies. Hmm... didn't Adam just get a new P3? That bitch, Brushstrokes, probably gets free designer curtains to hawk! What are you other bloggers getting?!

Bloggers are uber cool. We are so cool in fact that everyone is marketing to us to spread the news of all that is great to the masses. Life is sweet. ;) Now, if I can only get American Express as a sponsor, an airline, and maybe a cruise ship company, then I'll be set!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Shrew-less in the Saddle

I'll be Shrew-less for the next two weeks. E.Shrew has work obligations on the East Coast this week. Next week, he is going to be at Disneyworld for seven days to celebrate his birthday with some family that adopted him. Don't ask. I am kind of bummed because he missed my birthday over the Summer while he was in Europe. Now, we will not be together celebrating his 42nd birthday either. Hmpfh. Makes me pouty. :(

To get over my feelings of being abandoned for Mickey Mouse, I have decided to travel and visit friends in Houston, TX this coming weekend. I always seem to go to Texas. I'll stay with my favorite tennis coach Tim. Maybe he will have time to help me get my serve back to being impressive. If Tim doesn't have the patience to work with my A.D.D., then I'll definitely need him to restring my racquet. While in Houston, I'll get to play my deaf friend Brian in a couple matches. It would be an excellent way to see if I am ready for upcoming tennis tournaments in Dallas (Oct.) and Houston (Nov). Brian is the highest rated tennis player I play. Hopefully, I will get to see a few other friends I know in Houston. I look forward to it! ;)

Any suggestions about what I should do with my free time while the Shrew's away?

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Kudos for Heath

New Orleans City Park was the scene of the latest battlefield. I was playing Heath, who I don't frequently play. When we first started playing years ago, he was a lot better than me. He used to kick my ass. But as my experience grew, I got to a point where Heath could no longer beat me. I may not serve the best, but I'll make it very difficult on any opponent by always hauling ass and excellently covering the court well.

In the first set, I broke open a 3-1 lead. I was just hitting safe shots and waited for Heath to eventually hit long. Then I decided to not play it safe anymore. I looked sexy in my tight checkered shorts. I was showing a box and a meaty rump. I wanted to earn "style points" by aggressively muscling my way to victory. Unfortunately, Heath could not be dickwhipped and won the first set 6-4 despite my intentional distractions.

In the second set, I beat Heath 7-6. It was an interesting set because it rained on us during six of those games. It was light enough to where we could safely play. The clay was absorbing the moisture. Plus, I wasn't about to quit after being down. We valiantly continued our battle. On a key point, I ran up against a gate ten feet away cutting my finger to score a critical point. It was very important because Heath had the advantage and was leading 5-4 in this set. If I hadn't done that, the tennis match would have been over. I won that game and evened up the set 5-5, before I eventually won the exhausting set 7-6.

In the third set, I went up early 3-0 without really trying. Heath just gave me those victories by delivering so many unforced errors. Then, it was my turn to return the favor. The final set was now tied at 5-5. I felt DEAD TIRED as the sun had brutally decided to come back with a vengeance. The person who was going to win this thirty five game three hour set was going to be one with a shred more stamina left. Unfortunately, that was Heath who won the next two games on many unforced errors on my end. He had just broken my seven match win streak. :(

I wasn't too upset that I lost because I gave my best effort. I made Heath damn well EARN his victory. Since Heath is the first person to beat me in a long time, I am going to award him by moving him up to #4 in the tennis rankings. Congratulations Heath! You were a STRONG COMPETITOR!

New Brettcajun's World Rankings:

1. Brettcajun
3. Office Guy/Whipping Boy (tie)
4. Heath
6. E.Shrew (he moves up ONLY because he is barbecuing for me this afternoon) ;)

Friday, July 27, 2007

No More Pageants... I have Crow's Feet!

I only noticed the bird footprints a year ago. Now, those little feet are the first thing I see when I look in the mirror. As I am getting older, I am really perplexed about what to do. Is this the end of pageant smiling for me? No more beauty contests?

Until I can figure out what to do about it, I have immediately ordered myself to NOT do any more pageant smiling. If you click on the picture in this post, you'll see for yourself only tiny bird footprints. Not too bad wouldn't you say? But now look at my previous blogpost under this one. GASP! Do you see the size of that crows feet? See what I am talking about?! Sniff.

This is really fucking with my head. I am now contemplating always raising up my eyes when I smile (looking like a crazy person) to flatten those babies out! I see older gays do this all the time. When I ask an Elder of our people like E.Shrew, he adamantly insists that his are CHARACTER LINES but mine are undeniably CROW'S FEET! Hmfph.

Question for the day... HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH YOUR CROW'S FEET?

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

8 Things About Me Meme

I got tagged by Mark.

We have to post these rules before we give you the facts. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to tag. I am choosing not to tag anyone because I am a rule breaker.

1. I like taking showers! I may seem to have some compulsive cleaning disorder to personal friends, but I really don't think I do. I just like to be clean. I like to smell clean. I like to always be properly "prepared". I know I only take a shower twice a day Monday through Thursday. That is once when I wake up at the crack of dawn and another one right before I go to bed. On weekends... I could theoretically take 3-4 showers a day. If I am doing yard work, playing tennis, nasty man sex, or going out to smoky bars... I am showering as many times as necessary to be clean afterwards.

2. I love football more than any Lesbian friend of yours. I can watch High School, College and NFL football games all weekend. I used to be both a New Orleans Saints AND an LSU Tigers football season ticket holder in the same year. I sometimes had trouble finding gay male friends to go to games with me. Or if they did, I would have to pluck them in the head because a couple were caught napping in their seats. It is a battle with the remote to be able to watch football when E.Shrew wants to watch the Food Network. I wish he liked football as much as I do sometimes. We do enjoy going to Good Friends (a bar) in New Orleans on Sunday afternoons to watch the Saints play on TV. We get free shots with every Saints touchdown. Since the Saints have the best offense in the NFL, it is pretty easy to get fucked up. The Saints play the Pittsburgh Steelers in 11 days in the Hall of Fame preseason game. The LSU Tigers kick off the college football season in 36 days against the Mississippi State Bulldogs.

3. I really hate to lose. I don't know why I am wired this way. Is it because I am a Twin and I had to compete with a mirror image my whole life? Or is it because my father is a Type A personality and demands perfection? I have always been this way. I remember one day in high school biology class. Right before a huge end of the semester exam, the teacher was going to devote one hour to prepare for the exam. She did this by giving bonus points to whomever could answer questions that may appear on the test. I raised my hand for every question. I got every one right. The teacher promptly told me I could no longer raise my hand because I earned the most bonus points I could possibly get. I replied back, "Yeah... but I can block the other students from getting any points!" The teacher and class gasped. That was little Brett!

4. When I was younger, I had a foot that pointed straight (not outwards). I was forced to wear this leg brace contraption that went from my shoes all the way up to my waist. I wore this for a year before my mother told me I never had to wear it again. I was made fun of and stared at, but I didn't really get my feelings hurt. I kind of liked the "being different" part.

5. My mom used to give my brother and I PERMS in high school because we had such straight hair. I don't know WHY we let her do this. She went to beauty school and wanted us to have my body to our hair. This was a big mistake because we ended up looking like we belonged to the Hair Club for Men. Students would gasp at us because of our permed hair.

6. I am still stuck at 90 pages on my Sci Fi Novel. To breakthrough this barrier, I bought new software to help me construct a compelling plot, story and characters. It didn't actually write the story for me. It just helped me by asking me a gazillion questions. After I completed it, I am still stuck at 90 pages. I have so many interests to do after work and on weekends. It is hard to actually get started again.

7. I am deathly afraid of snakes and will scream like a little girl. Something about those creatures make me tremble to the core and shriek in terror.

8. I don't like Dr. office visits. I am quite confident that I'll be one of those stubborn old men that die of something very preventable because I never get my colon checked, etc. I just don't particuliarly care for hospitals and Doctors. When I hit those later years, I hope I have a partner or Mama that makes me get those checkups.

Controversial Tennis Game

Waking up at 4:30am, I drove an hour from New Orleans to meet the Office Guy for our weekly 6:00am tennis court duel. This was a weird game. The Office Guy played PERFECT for the first four games. He had no unforced errors. He hit fast and furious winners that stung. I was shell shocked. I am playing a robot! How can I possibly win if my opponent is playing the PERFECT GAME?

I gulped when I was suddenly down 0-4. I was staring down a shutout and there was nothing I could do about it. I was playing nearly perfect placing 90% of my shots with pinpoint accuracy and returning every single shot from the Office Guy. But his perfect game would eventually hand me the loss each and every game.

Then it happened. I finally won my first game! The only way I achieved this was to play my own PERFECT GAME. The Office Guy double faulted once, hit long twice, and then watched a cruel overhead shot nail the back line. I let out a huge sigh of relief when I realized I had just won. I even made a comment... "God...to beat you today... I have to play my own PERFECT GAME."

It was my turn to serve as we switched sides on the next game. As is customary before you serve at the beginning of a new game, I called "1 serving 4". That represented the wins/losses in the match thus far. The Office Guy didn't say anything. I played hard and won again. The Office Guy seemed to be stumbling. After the game, I announce the set score was 2-4.

At that moment, the Office Guy says "What?! That was the first game you won!" I was perplexed. I said, "What are you talking about? I won my first game on the other side making it 1-4." The Office Guy said he thought he had won that game. I was sooo confused. I told him I would have surely remembered if I was down 5-0. That didn't happen.

I knew I was right because when I lose a game, I feel as if someone shot me in the heart. I take every single loss personally. Every minute on the court, I am thinking of what the final score would be if I lose every game from here on out. Then, I think of what the score would be if I put together a string of consecutive victories. I am ALWAYS aware of how many games it'll take to either lose or put away my opponent. ALWAYS!

Despite the controversial account of the true score, we continued to play. But the damage was done. We each played VERY deflated. We didn't play BAD. We just no longer had our hearts into the game anymore. I ended up tying the set 4-4. Then Office Guy won one more game. Then I rattled off three straight victories making the final score of a one set match 7-5.

But I couldn't enjoy the victory because of the controversy. You could tell we were both still deflated over the whole mess. I went home and showered. When I arrived into work, I was greeted with "Congratulations. I heard you won today in tennis." I said "Yes. Thank You!" But me and the Office Guy still haven't spoken about the game. Typical male behavior.

In light of the very competitive play of the Office Guy, I am moving him into a tie with Whipping Boy. Whipping Boy hasn't played in some time as his handlers are keeping him away. If the Office Guy would have won, he would be ahead of Whipping Boy. I also decided to put some distance in the poll between the competitors because lately no one seems capable of beating me. The Office Guy, Whipping Boy, and E.Shrew have all lost two straight matches to me. Heath hasn't beaten me in years.

It'll be interesting to gauge how well my tennis skills truly are when I go to Houston next weekend. I'll be playing someone that regularly wins tournaments and is very highly ranked in our division.

NEW Brettcajun's World Rankings:

1. Brettcajun
5. Office Guy, Whipping Boy
8. Heath
10. E.Shrew (Getting drubbed only makes you stronger. Try hauling ass more to improve your ranking)

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Surrending to Twitter

I don't want to make a big deal of this. Last night, after watching the CNN/Youtube debates among the Democratic Candidates, I finally found a use for Twitter. It is PERFECT for micro-posts that may not be blogworthy. Nobody wants to waste valuable space on their blog. Twitter is good for not wasting that space. I have been conquered. I surrender to Twitter. Call me a sellout if you wish.

Monday, July 23, 2007


I am thrilled to announce that the special blogger that is going to indulge in everything Southern Decadence is Atari from Ready Reset Go! He'll be staying with me and E.Shrew in the French Quarter for all the sex, mishief, and drunken merriment that this festival brings.

Personally, I am very happy to be spending more time with Atari because we only spent a token amount of time Thursday night during SF Pride. The blogger get together was such a fast paced BLUR, I felt I did not get to spend nearly enough time with this charming individual.

Atari is as easy to talk to as... he is easy on the eyes. He'll be very popular in New Orleans! I love Atari's self awareness. I can't describe it, but I love how Atari is so in tune with himself. He's like your favorite blankie. So warm. So soft. Smells good. Did I embarass him yet? Ha ha. It'll be fun to hang out with him Labor Day weekend. We are thrilled he is coming!

Weekend Smeakend

Well, the weekend was a whirlwind. I can confidently say that I have far fewer brain cells today than when I began. 3 - 2 = 1

On Friday, I picked up E.Shrew from the Baton Rouge Metropolitan Airport and we went across the Mississippi River to the Po side of Town (Port Allen) to John's Fabulous Poker Party. It is a half gay/ half straight poker party every other Friday. We draw cards to assign seating at two tables. We got lucky and had 4 gays and only 1 straight guy at our table. Unfortunately, the one straight guy wasn't very funny. Like John said, if he was on the show "The Last Comic Standing", he would get kicked off first. The Gays all tried to chip away at the unfunny straight guy's chip pile until we finally achieved an all gay segregated table. It IS the South after all!

My thorn honey E.Shrew had the uncanny ability of getting dealt pocket Kings and mortally wounding me each and every Effing time! After this happened twice, I didn't want to look at him or talk to him. I was eaten up with bitterness. While he smiled, the hamsters in my head were doing overtime plotting a comeback.

Eventually, I DID get the last laugh. Both E.Shrew and I made it to the final table. He had three times my chips, but I was hanging in there. E.Shrew suddenly got dealt pocket Aces and got cocky. This was his ultimate undoing. Some bitch with big boobs (T) caught a straight on the River and effectively snuffed the Shrew out. EVIL GRIN. Soon, the other bitch with big boobs knocked out Birdman, the Elephant poo picker upper, and (J), the gay personal financial planner. I suddenly found myself to be the only gay left in the village surrounded by big boobed women. Little old me was double teamed by some Double D's and bitch slapped to third (earning a paltry $20). Topping all the other gays for the highest place felt good to me though! ;)

On Saturday, we watched Hair Spray the movie. I initially didn't think I would like it because I only vaguely remembered the original movie. Surprisingly, the music was very good. When I saw Michelle Pfeiffer's MEGA BITCH character on the screen, I instantly knew I would love every minute of it. I give the movie: TWO SNAPS AND A DOUBLE SWIRL!

After the movie, we napped in the afternoon before we drove to G-Town to play tennis. It was childs play. I effortlessly kicked E.Shrew's ass 6-1, 6-4 in tennis. Poor court position and sheer laziness was the Shrew's Achilles Heel. When your opponent doesn't feel like hauling ass, then you just hit those winners and make an easy game of it.

Yesterday was a busy day. I got my whole house cleaned, worked out doing seven grueling routines, and drove into New Orleans. Sunday at Tea was one of the busiest Sundays I can remember in recent memory. All the A-list pretty boys were out. We ran into (B) and (G) and an Aussie Fag Hag. She was really sweet. (gave me the nicest compliment) We drank and drank with our best buds (B) and (G). We really love these guys because they are so WYSIWYG. Since we are kind of like celebrity Bar Flies at the Pub (or is that bar stools?), we got free shots of cactus juice. It was about the size of three shots. Needless to say, we probably all woke up this morning with massive headaches. But all fun was had!

Interestingly, three separate people brought up the subject of my blog yesterday at the Bourbon Pub. BNwb (Bridgette Nielsen Wanna-Be) is a BIG fan. He said to stop posting all those damn tennis stories on my blog. Well.... sheeeet! I love posting my tennis stories. I can creatively write about the glory and the angst of my tennis games. Then another person brought up my blog. I knew (P) played tennis, so I was bragging how I phucking blew away E.Shrew on the previous day. (P) just smiled and said he was quite sure he was going to read about it on my blog today. My chronicled tennis exploits are becoming legendary! :)

PS: Sorry, Homer for missing your call. I did try to call you back, but I think you were talking on your phone at the time because it just kept ringing. It didn't let me leave a message. It was good to see that Moby posted a video AND a hot racy pic. WOOF! Thanks for becoming less twitter-like, and back to interesting! ;) I am totally digging what Jimbo is serving up now. You are so cool brother!

Friday, July 20, 2007

The Truth Comes Out: I'm Just a Big Girl


I have two versions of this video: I'm Just a Big Girl (SAFE FOR WORK). No one will know you are gay if you watch this one. Or NSFW: I'm Just a Big Girl for the NOT SAFE FOR WORK VIDEO. Everyone will know you have wood for guys if you watch this one.

For those of you who don't have Quicktime, you can watch my videos here:

Click here to get your own player.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Because I need to know...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Chasing Away Misery and Scorn

Contrary to what many people think, I do not spend all my waking hours staring in the mirror. That is a GROSS misperception perpetuted by this self picture heavy blog. Do you want to know what I am really thinking about every waking hour? I think about WINNING.

My last humiliation on the tennis court has been stuck firmly in my craw for a whole week. Exacting revenge against the Office Guy was my only mission today. Win, and I would reign triumphantly. Lose, and great misery and scorn would rule the day. The battle horns sounded at 6:00am this morning. The Marine stepped onto the court snorting of confidence. To me, he was only the Office Guy. This battle would decide everything. Losing is for losers. And I did not want to be one today.

I was immediately down 15:40 in the first game, as the Office Guy expertly landed Ace after Ace. My searing return shot landed perfectly in the corner to keep me in the game. Then a fateful double fault by the Office Guy evened the score at 40:40. We traded the advantage at least 5 times, before I exhaustively won the first game after 20 minutes of play.

The next three games were long as we tested each others strengths and weaknesses. Playing it safe cost me dearly, as the Office Guy patiently waited each moment to hit his winners. When he hit them, they were lethal. Each one hurt as if I were kicked in the balls. I lost three straight games and suddenly found myself down 1-3 in the set.

I was MAD AS HELL. Here I was playing like a pussy, and the Office Guy was making me pay for it. I had to get back to playing aggressively because playing it safe was NOT working. Sure enough, aggression begin paying handsome dividends back to me. The Office Guy was now on the defensive as I attacked his backhand and consistenly nailed the corners with brutal speed. I rallied to win three straight and take a 4-3 lead in the set. I was now scoring more points off of hitting winners. The change in strategy worked brilliantly.

The Office Guy was stunned. He began walking around like he had just got his balls cut out. His demeaner turned to a look of desperation as HE was now the one backed into a corner.

Poor Office Guy. He was going to be cunning and try to deploy a different strategy against my ass. Audaciously, he tried to use Net Aggression against me. Oh... what folly! I have gotten to be quite the expert at that style of play. It played right into my hands. My hustling and ability to fire back winners on the run is second to none. I won the next two games making a mockery of the Office Guy's desperate strategic gamble.

After one hour and fifteen minutes of play, I triumphantly won the first set 6-3. We had no time to play a second set, but I was quite sure I would have cruised as my opponent was wimpering around like a whipped puppy. As he should feel... when I just handed him defeat.

Whipping Boy, E.Shrew, Heath, and Brian D. are next on the hit list. I will effectively demonstrate to each one their rankness. Showing opponents their station in life is how I GET OFF. I am cunty that way! ;)

Monday, July 16, 2007

Brettcajun VERSUS Rocky the Rooster

My daily battle with Rocky the rooster captured on camera! Everyday, I must battle just to pick the eggs or feed the chickens. You have to have Quicktime player. Download Here. Or you can try playing it HERE (podomatic's player) if you don't have Quicktime Player. Just click on the little green play button under my picture. No animal was harmed in the making of this video. A human MAY have been harmed repeatedly though.

How would YOU describe me in one or two words?

I had to smile at one of the comments I got in THIS POST by HB JOCK. The sexy Hawaiian wrote: "Aww poor thing... well that's what you get for being such a BOASTFUL JACKASS :) Everybody gets taken down a peg every once in a while :)"

Boastful Jackass? If I were a boastful jackass, I would have mentioned that at a dinner-game party Saturday night, every team I was playing on WON. Afterwards, I joked to Whipping Boy (who went 1-1) that I was going to blog about going 2-0 in Taboo and post a standings chart. Ha Ha! That didn't surprise him one bit! I was REALLY just joking though. If I had, that would definitely make me a "Boastful Jackass".

I do love the two word description "Boastful Jackass". It makes me smile. So in the spirit of things, if you are in the blogworld or beyond... please describe me in one or two words:

Friday, July 13, 2007

Goodbye Josh

Josh Norris Memorial

Josh was a 22 year old Jefferson Parish deputy shot in the line of duty. He had his whole life and career ahead of him. The sad thing is that Josh had only been on the job for 11 months when he was gunned down. He had just gotten off of training and was riding solo for less than a month. Josh was engaged to his girlfriend on July 4th and was killed the next day. They had filmed this for use on public access TV locally and were gonna use it for recruiting. Goodbye Josh. We have all just lost a great man in the community.

Sweet Summer Memories

I fondly remember the time my brother and I made a great discovery in the pasture. It was Summer time. Mom was probably shopping. Dad was working. It was a steel ring that held hay in the pasture for the horses and cows to graze on. It looked something like this:

We turned the Steel Contraption of Death over and made something akin to the hamster rolling ball. That's right. We began walking on it and it began rolling faster and faster through the pasture. The height was way taller than us, so we hung on for dear life when we got to the top. When we got to the bottom, we suddenly flattened our hands and feet so they didn't get crushed beneath the weight of the Steel Contraption of Death.

Sometimes it would roll over cow patties, but that was the least we were worried about. We were just trying to hang on the longest without getting hurt. I remember the exhilaration we felt rolling like hamsters in the pasture. Our parents never found out about the great adventures in the pasture. Ahhh... Summer memories. Those were the days.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

SF: Hand Me My Leather

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Resurrection of My Haters Club

The Brettcajun Hater's Club was on the brink of extinction. My recent stellar tennis play and West Coast charm offensive ALMOST erradictated the vile little club. With it's existence in tatters, the club shed members faster than Kelly takes off clothes. As I closed my eyes Monday night celebrating my finest hour, the heartbeat of the cretinuous club was no longer audible to my ears. I smiled as I realized I would soon be celebrating that heartbeat stopping all together.

Then just as Lazarus was resurrected, the heart of the Brettcajun Hater's Club suddenly began to beat again. It began soon after I was jarred awake by a phone call at 6:00am this morning. It was the Office Guy. He was waiting for me on the tennis court wondering where I was. I had left two messages yesterday to the Office Guy making sure we were set to play our usual Wednesday morning tennis game. He had NOT returned my calls, so I assumed the game was off. Well, you know what happens when you ASSUME... you make an ASS out of U and ME.

I frantically told the Office Guy that I could leave my house within fifteen minutes and be on the court at 6:30am this morning. I rushed around the house avoiding all of my usual rituals. I didn't take the first of my three showers. I rushed the dogs downstairs without any treats, but dumped out some food and changed out their water. I ransacked my closet for nice work clothes and my Kenneth Cole shoes. Then I slipped on a not so fabulous tennis outfit. (that would cost me CRITICAL confidence points on the court)

I raced to the tennis court without my customary Red Bull. This already didn't look good. Jumping out of bed and suddenly playing tennis thirty minutes later was really pushing it. The Office Guy was already on the court. He had been practicing his awesome serve for the last thirty minutes. Greeeeaaaaat... I can see all the bad omens conspiring against me from the moment I got that fateful phone call.

Since we were pressed for time, we only did a quick five minute warm up. BIG MISTAKE! The Office Guy precedes to nail these amazingly fast serves. He scores Ace after Ace on my still half-asleep ass. I gulp. My day of reckoning is about to be served. I can hear that heartbeat from the Brettcajun Haters Club thumping in my ears. I gulp down some displeasure at the thought of it not DYING.

I suddenly find myself down 4-1. Oh my God. That "L" Word is quickly approaching. I. MUST. SAVE FACE. The blood in my veins ignite as if they were combustible and now on fire. I am mad as hell . NO MAS! I am not going out like a punk! I surge. It works as I rally to win three games. I run up and down the court like a mad man possessed on hitting that grenade back at my MOFO opponent. I cruelly place shot after shot making a mockery of the Office Guy as he lunges to failure. Our epic battle now stood at 4-5 with the Office Guy still leading. He has seen the fire in my competitive spirit too many times. The Office Guy would have to muster all of his strength to squash it. When we switched sides, he muttered "YOU BASTARD". I smiled and silently told myself, "You are going down old man".

I was down 30:Love in the pivotal next game. I could not afford any more errors or I would soon be called that "L" word. Fortunately, I caught up to even the score at 30:30. That did not last long however. The unthinkable happened. Trying in vain to hit winners to force a 5-5 game tie, doomed me. Those "winners" turned into losers as the conspiring net reached up and grabbed both of those critical shots. My fate was now complete. I had just (SNIFF) lost to the Office Guy 6-4! We only play one set because of time constraints, so I faced that rare and uncomfortable feeling of leaving the tennis court a loser. I hung my head down in shame. Losing is for losers... and I am one today. :(

As a result of this great tragedy, the Office Guy and I now stand tied at 3-3 in our overall series. In the last two weeks, I have gone 5-2 (beating every opponent in my rankings list). The Office Guy has gone 2-1. Whipping Boy is 0-2. E.Shrew is 0-1. Heath didn't play. If the Office Guy wins one more time OR Whipping Boy loses one more, there will be a shake up in the rankings. Whipping Boy's #2 ranking is precarious at best.

Rejoice members of the Brettcajun Haters Club! Your little heart is faintly beating once again. Your lowly existence has survived to live one more day. But do not get too proud. I am hellbent on squashing your very existence. And that will be the day that I bask in victory at your demise.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Hell is Burning for Another Louisiana Politician...

"This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible," Vitter said in the statement. "Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there — with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way."

Republican Senator David Vitter has just been dealt a huge political BLOW. Wow. This scandal is all over the international papers. First Democrat Representative William Jefferson for taking bribes, now Senator David Vitter for fooling around with the DC Madam. You politicians from Louisiana sure make our state proud! If you are going to preach about God and your family values... you had better keep that snake in your trousers. This just looks downright silly.

Now, I am not saying I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I just have a blog. My point is that I am NOT running for a public office. I don't need to kiss ass and pretend to be the perfect model citizen.

Oh... and thanks to Don for giving me...

...the THINKING BLOGGER AWARD! WOW. Who would have thought that ** I ** would have gotten such a thing! Thank you Don! I am glad you are one of the 10 percenters who can wad through all the fluff and bullshit and see the gooey goodness in the center. Of course, now you'll be hearing from my Haters Club for giving me this prestigious award. Just tell those cretinous cowards to go back under the stench filled hole where they came from! THANKS BUDDY! ;)

Monday, July 09, 2007

That just felt like "The Bataan Death March"

At 5:30pm, my SUV temperature gauge read over 100 degrees. It sure felt like it. I played a tennis match for the second day in a row. This time my foe was none other than that dastardly Whipping Boy.

He put a 6-1 ASSWHOOPING on me in the first set. I could have blamed it on the searing heat from the sun. I could have blamed it on wearing long Addidas workout pants. Or maybe it was the fact that I only got 5 hours of sleep the night before from going out with the Shrew in New Orleans. I could have blamed it on lots of things. But this felt like I was about to be served my most humiliating defeat ever at the hands of Whipping Boy. That #1 ranking was in jeopardy BIG TIME!

I fought back to win the second set 6-3. You can say I played "garbage tennis" by using the drop shot in cruel manners. Fine. But that net reached up and just grabbed Whipping Boy's shot rolling on the top of the net twice when he had the advantage. He ended up losing both of those key games. I had two brilliant Federer-like shots in the second set that helped me out a lot. Whipping Boy called them "lucky shots". I needed those shots because I was only really playing "good tennis" when I was running toward the net and using aggression.

In the third set, it was the survival of the fittest. Neither one of us were hitting or serving with much strength. My shirt was DRENCHED with sweat. I had already drank all my water in the middle of the second set. I was going to have to have enough fuel to carry the day. And oh boy did I! I bolted out to a 5-1 lead. Whipping Boy won a second game, but my killer "winner" returning a Whipping Boy overhead shot carried the day.

I won 1-6, 6-3, 6-2 after TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF PLAY. I feel like I have been in a car wreck! (LOL!) I am surely going to get a goodnight's rest tonight. After this game, I am definitely confident of my #1 ranking. I would love to play a few new guys out there to see if I am really good or not. Anyone game?

"NO", Mary

I am a staunch supporter of Democrat Senator Mary Landrieu from Louisiana. She is our tough-as-nails Senator that is not afraid to pull any punches. She's so much stronger than some of the spineless politicians out there today. I have always been Mary's defender against the likes of this and that.

But today, I finally found a position of hers that I do not support. This HORSE BILL is what Mary is up to now. This bill has come out of no where and seems utterly ridiculous.

I have personally eaten horse meat in Montreal. My Quebecois friend Marc made me eat it. It was probably some joke at the time to make an "ugly American" eat something that is as revered as the American Bald Eagle, but it went over my head. Personally, horse meat doesn't taste that great. It tasted more like Deer meat to me. I would rather eat beef.

What's the real point of this bill? Animals being slaughtered for consumption is a way of life. I personally think horses have a MUCH better life than other animals on the farm. Slaughtering an aging horse for consumption is really just recycling and honoring Mother Earth.

Why just this year, Homer honored Mother Earth by eating Seymour the artichoke. Now don't shoot me Homer for putting you in a blog post about meat consumption. The irony was too good to pass up! ;)

I live on a farm in Louisiana with well over 50 horses. All of the horses on the farm have a good life and are very well taken care of. The farm's existence is to breed cutting horses. The only time a horse is ever put down is because of bone breakage or extreme sickness. I do NOT support this initiative.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Brettcajun SMASHES E.Shrew 6-1, 6-2 in straight sets.

My most dominating win ever over E.Shrew! The Shrew didn't have much power behind his serves or his strokes. My dropshot killed his not-so-well hustling ass. I inched closer and closer to he net and did my best Federer impression time and time again. That sealed the Shrew's fate.

I have beaten every one of the following players (from #2 to #5) in our last matches. The poll is very accurate. New Brettcajun World Tennis Rankings:

1. Brettcajun
2. Whipping Boy
3. The Office Guy
4. Heath (moves up...slightly more competitive)
5. E-Shrew (tumbles down one)

The War of the Roses:

In just a few hours, E.Shrew will play his first tennis match in six long months. Except for tennis tourneys, he has rarely played any tennis whatsoever. His lack of play keeps him down at #4 in Brettcajun's World Tennis Rankings.

Until today. E.Shrew has promised to come out of retirement and play the #1 ranked tennis player. Queue the dramatic music. That's right! #4 E.Shrew vs. #1 Brettcajun at City Park. Since I have been playing tennis regularly against #3 The Office Guy and #2 Whipping Boy, I should deliver a SPANKING OF EPIC PROPORTIONS to the Shrew! That is how it is supposed to go.

Or does it? Somewhere hidden deep down in my brain, I distinctly remember an eerily similar scenario that went horribly wrong for me. The Shrew spanked me 6-1, 6-0. It was the most humiliating and embarrassing defeat of my career. It was so bad, that the only way I could cope was to deny it actually happened to me. I convinced myself of this and never put it on my blog.

Truth be told... my achilles hill has always been playing tennis with intense emotion. When playing someone like my partner, my emotions tend to rule over my intelligence, and I am subsequently doomed to failure. How could my husband be beating me? Oh my God... he is now smarting off and sneering at me! That fucking bastard! I get HOT like Tabasco.. and that "L" word happens.

Whipping Boy is more like me... he hits hard and tries to outduel me in a battle of the egos. There is no love or sexual tension. He is just an enemy combatant to me that is trying to knock me out of my perch at the top. We are both running toward the net trying to nail some devastating shot to humiliate each other. I can play that type of player just fine!

When I play tennis with my squeeze toy, the game is very personal. I sleep in the same bed as this person. Any loss will be hung over my head for the rest of the day. All of our friends will be promptly informed when we see them out. Thank goodness we rarely play or I would never be #1 in my own rankings.

How will our first match together go in just a few hours? Will there be bitterness? A horrible loss by me will surely have a devastating effect on the Brettcajun's World Tennis Rankings. Stayed tuned for the match results.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Fancy Feast

Tonight, E.Shrew made boneless skinless chicken breasts stuffed with fresh basil and creole tomatoes. The sauce was a butter white wine reduction. It was served on fresh sauteed spinach with garlic, lemon juice, and olive oil.

Individual fresh rasberry crumble infused with framboise

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Would you look what the cat dragged in?

Dinner at Deanie's in the French Quarter. Frozen mugs of your favorite beer with some pretty fun guys... priceless!

The whole gang at the Bourbon Pub.

Brian demonstrating the exact spot where he peed at OZ in 2003 when he was really tanked. The owners of OZ didn't like it one bit and kicked him out shortly afterwards. Thankfully, they didn't check their Banned List last night.

We had a great time hanging with Mark and Brian. We LOVE them! They are like the coolest blog couple because they are fun, warm, and interesting. Mark and Brian had us in stitches with their witty banter. We saw a great DRAG SHOW at Oz. Moby's little Ricky gave us a long demonstration of the new IPHONE. Ricky is so woofy that he made #2 on Mark's "LIST" (of people he wants to sleep with before he dies).

Mark and Brian made me laugh a lot last night. It was so nice to see them again!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

LSU's coach TRASHES USC, PAC-10, and other Conferences

I love Les Miles, LSU's football coach. The college football world is now BUZZING with the truth he just served up. Les Miles stated what every LSU fan and most SEC football fans have been thinking for YEARS. Matt Hayes, writer for The Sporting News, further stoked the Pac-10 vs SEC battle HERE.

This was some of what Coach Les Miles said as reported in Baton Rouge's newspaper, The Morning Advocate:

"I can tell you this, that they have a much easier road to travel,” Miles said of the Trojans.

“They’re going to play real knockdown drag-outs with UCLA and Washington, Cal-Berkley, Stanford — some real juggernauts — and they’re going to end up, it would be my guess, in some position so if they win a game or two, that they’ll end up in the title (game). I would like that path for us.

“I think the SEC provides much stiffer competition.”

Miles said the subject of the SEC’s superiority came up at league meetings in May. The conference office compiled statistics showing 58 football players from SEC schools were invited to the NFL Scouting Combine, where pro scouts and coaches evaluate players before the draft.The Atlantic Coast Conference and Big 12 Conference each had 43 players invited, NFL records show. The Pac-10 was fourth with 39 players invited.

Based on the above and two seasons of coaching in the SEC, Miles told his New Orleans audience the conference, from week to week, is the football league “most like the NFL” in America.

Now Les Miles is getting badmouthed by the sports media that like to pretend the ACC and PAC-10 are real football conferences. That is hogwash. Why any network would televise a North Carolina Tarheel or Arizona Wildcat football game renders me utterly speechless. LSU and the rest of the SEC are above and beyond any of the other football conferences.

Want proof? Last year, The Florida Gators impaled poll favorite Ohio State 41-14 in the BCS Championship game. LSU stomped on media darling Brady Quinn's Notre Dame 41-14 in the BCS Sugar Bowl. Tennessee blew out the Pac-10's supposed #2 best team Cal of Berkeley in the regular season. Cal is located in the most pansiest place on earth. And that is the Pac-10's #2 team! What does that say about the Pac-10?

The only teams that seem to be capable of beating an SEC team is another SEC team! I am SOOOO ready for SEC FOOTBALL! Football in the South is our true national past time. GEAUX TIGERS!!! Geaux SEC!

Monday, July 02, 2007

On the Couch with Boudreaux and Pierre

I love my babies so much. I had Boudreaux and Pierre shaved down at Petsmart to look like short hair Dachshunds on Sunday. They look like puppies now! I am going to take them to New Orleans for the 4th of July. Maybe Mark and Brian will get to meet them.

Mid Year Report Card

I have lots to be thankful for. I have a wonderful partner that still turns me on as the day we met. I have two beautiful Dachshunds that love me unconditionally. I have my own Whipping Boy to beat on the tennis court. I have a nice home in the country. I have a stable job that I am happy with. My football university (LSU) will probably kick your favorite college's ass this year. Life is looking pretty sweet for me right now.

The Blogger Summit Two was a perfect event to "cap things off". My partner, E-Shrew, mistakenly thought that I didn't have a good time because I didn't talk much about it when I got home. I did show him all the pics and pointed out who was who, but he didn't detect the enthusiasm he was looking for. The Blogger Summit Two was my chance to go back to high school. Instead of being the quiet one sitting at the lunch room table by myself, I was able to be the social butterfly I have always wanted to be. It meant a lot to me. Meeting the other blog Ambassadors helped get me a keen sense of who I am... and how far I have come. What may have appeared as a lack of enthusiasm was really an extreme sense of inner happiness and acceptance. I got a confirmation that I have indeed jumped over a major hurdle that used to plague my life.

But I can't rest on everything that is going great for me. I will keep blogging because it is an important outlet for me. It is just not as important for me to be a popular blogger anymore. I have already matured in that sense. I do like openly expressing myself in ways many can not. Some of what I do on my blog is downright immature and silly, but I know in my heart that it does more good than harm. I get so many emails saying I have somehow managed to help someone come out. My silly little blog helps people realise they can have a happy normal life living as a gay man. The gay world is not all drag folks!

I DO want to spend a lot more time and attention working on my book. Blogging is easy. If you write a crappy blog post, you can always do another one that may be better recieved. With a book, you damn well better put a lot of effort into it and have it close to perfect before you send it to a Publisher. I have spent so much time developing a compelling story and characters, but now it is time to write past those 90 pages where I have been roadblocked. I must resist trying to create the perfect paragraph if it keeps hampering me finishing the story.

On my fitness level, I want to get in better shape. I can haul ass on the tennis court just fine. Somehow, when I try to haul ass with a football... I pull a quad muscle. It is so important to cross that line of scrimmage with high speed, but I somehow injure myself in doing so. My partner reminds me that I am 37 years old and I can't expect to play football like I used to. But I am hellbent and determined that I should be conditioned enough to play yard football without pulling something. I also want to get more impressive biceps and legs. My arms and legs are woefully behind other people who more seriously work out. Time to build a new workout routine around things I hate to do in the gym!

On my financial situation, now is the time to stay home and start saving money. Just because I have extra money in my account, I shouldn't squander that on trip # 1,200 for the year. That needs to go in savings for a Rainy Day. This is what I want to focus on for the rest of the year. If I suddenly need a new set of tires or have a huge unexpected expense, I don't want to be in a situation where I am sweating it out until my next paycheck. I should be able to save more money to where I am not in those tight situations ever again.

So... that's my Mid Year Report Card with recommendations in areas where I need to improve upon. I'll let you know how well I did at the end of the year.