Shrubberies, the Shrew, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

This weekend, E.Shrew and I took a break from the deja vu of it all. We could have gone to New Orleans and saw the same old people behaving badly the same old way. We could have gone to the first weekend of Jazz Fest for the umpteenth time drinking and eating too much. We could have continued our good buzz at the Bourbon Pub, see my Flirty McFlirt routine, and cut up merrily with our friends. But nope. We didn't. Instead, we spent a productive weekend in the country on the farm planting Shrubs and ground cover.

E.Shrew is one hard working tool. As much as I wanted to throw in the towel and call it a day, E.Shrew compelled us to do more. Today, I can proudly wake up and see the lush environment surrounding my house where we spent the last two days planting. It makes me proud to see the work we got done. Now, I want to add some more bushes and get some hanging plants for my upper deck.

Oh... and by the way. I have finally seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I am embarrassed to admit that there are sooo many classic movies that I have never seen in my life. I can blame that on not having cable tv in my rural area until I was 17 years old. When I turned 18, it was off to college to study hard and do homework. I never had time for watching movies. I laughed my ass off at Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I couldn't help but think that the movie left me yearning for so much more. I wanted to see more silly singing and dancing at Camelot. I wanted the main characters to sock it to the French characters. I wanted the heroes to find the Holy Grail. Arrrggghhh... that movie just ended up making me yearn for more.

LSU Players dominate NFL Draft Day

LSU's former QB, JaMarcus Russell, was the #1 draft pick by the Oakland Raiders yesterday. I think JaMarcus will serve the Oakland Raiders well because he is used to playing big time SEC football. JaMarcus is built very strong. I have seen so many times JaMarcus shrug off multiple tacklers and still manage to break free and throw a completion.

If you watched any of the NFL draft yesterday, you couldn't help but notice all the LSU football highlights. It was not your imagination. There was a record FOUR LSU players chosen in the first round. That is a testament to how highly regarded our football program is. I would like to say the LSU Tigers are now almost a semi-pro team. We'll likely run roughshod through the SEC this Fall and beat the Florida Gators in Baton Rouge to jump to #1 in the BCS. You heard it here first!

Top SEC football programs can adequately prepare players for the NFL. In fact, at last weeks' San Francisco 49ers draft briefing, the personnel director Scot McCloughan said the Southeastern Conference was "hands down" the best college football league in the land.

Personally, I was not surprised that Notre Dame's former QB Brady Quinn fell all the way down to pick #22 (Cleveland Browns.) The best NFL prospects are going to come from big time football programs that dominate others. There is simply no comparison to playing in the SEC and playing for Notre Dame (or USC for that matter).

Okay. Go back to your gardening or drinking your Cosmos. I know you out there don't really care about sportssss. ;)

Tripping Over My Third Leg

I entered the tennis courts yesterday evening with a swagger. I was so confident I was going to win. As far as I was concerned, the only thing I had to watch out for was not tripping over my third leg. Victory was mine. I have that killer instinct on the tennis courts. I can quickly deduce your weaknesses and use it against you. While you are happily playing a game of tennis, I am going full throttle aggressive on your ass putting the final nail in your coffin.

Well.... that is how it is suppose to happen. I took the first set from Whipping Boy 6-4 while leading the entire way. Soon afterwards, I went up 3-1 in the second set. Whipping Boy surely must see that "L" quickly coming on the horizon. Things were going so smoothly for me and we were only 40 minutes into our tennis play! Three more wins and I effectively demonstrate to Whipping Boy his station in life. I was three wins away from securing the inevitable.

Then the horrible happened. I lost my swagger. I went limp like a noodle. Whipping Boy got the big hard-on and put together a string of victories to the tune of 9 straight. I lost the second set 6-3 in shocking fashion and was suddenly stumbling down 4-0 in the third. In my mind, this was turning into a HORRIBLE quagmire! I finally wrestled one game away from Whipping Boy. Usually, one single victory will spur my confidence to put together an unbelievable string of W's on my opponent's ass. Would history repeat itself? Would the Charlie Brown of tennis choke on my wad once more or would Lucy finally let him kick the ball?

Charlie Brown kicked that fucking football out of my endzone! By the end of the match, Whipping Boy had spectacularly taken 11 out of the last 12 games to win the match 4-6, 6-3, 6-1. It was NOT my day to win. In light of the looming loss nipping at his heels, it was a remarkable display of competitive play. Because of this, I'll finally have to give Whipping Boy the credit he deserves:

Brett's World Rankings:

1. Whipping Boy
2. Brett
3. E-Shrew
4. E-Twin
5. Heath
6. Peppy

A Rare Brettcajun Audio Podcast

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Battling the Pineapple Head at the DMV

Today, I decided to test my karma at the local DMV office. The renewal sticker on my drivers license has faded horribly in the last year, and I need to get a new one. Louisiana lets you renew your drivers license by mail. They mail you this little sticker you place on the back of your license that is supposed to last for four years. Well, having to take out my license so many times to prove my age has worn that sticker out. (I am so youthful looking.) I did have some trouble at the airport with the faded sticker when I came back from Chicago.

So here I am, on my lunch break, thinking all the upgrades in computer technology has surely made the local DMV more efficient nowadays. Wrrrrooooong. I pull number 94. I wait for 20 minutes and not one number is ever called! I am like WTF? So, I ask the lady next to me if they are even calling numbers. The patient lady informs me that she arrived 15 minutes earlier and they have only called one number since she has been there. You do the math. One person served in 35 minutes. There are twenty people waiting for service for something so trivial like getting your driver's license renewed. Lordy lordy... it is so much easier to get a credit card than it is to get your drivers license renewed.

Exasperated, I go up to the front counter to ask if they know if I can get a new expiration sticker online. There is only one person working. I look at her hair. My God! Her hair looks like she's got a pineapple on her head! There are two other workers milling around in a back office looking busy but NOT helping customers. I am ignored for 10 minutes before Pineapple Head informs me that she can't help me until she calls my number. I have just been summarily dismissed by Pineapple Head. I was most miffed that Pineapple Head casted my ass to an eternity of waiting with all the other poor bastards.

I hate the DMV. Why can't they raise fees high enough to hire a more energetic and efficient work crew? Why can't they make sure that there are at least three people helping customers at all times? Why does it seem that the DMV in ANY state is the lowest rated public service? Can't we pay Pineapple Head a commission on her "sales" and maybe she'll have that line whittled down to nothing lickity split? Think about it. She can have a pineapple on her head one day. A volcano the next day. Maybe even a whole fruit bowl by the end of the week.

Good Times

I was supposed to fly home Sunday afternoon. I was having such a great time, that I rebooked my airline ticket for the next day. It was just nice to have an adventure together in Chicago with my partner. We had lots of fun. We met some great people. We loved watching over three hours of show tunes at Side Tracks today. We loved petting on Mike again. ;)

Chicago

Well, we could not have picked a better weekend to come to Chicago. The weather is GORGEOUS here! Everyone is milling about the city because the Cubs are hosting the St. Louis Cardinals. We tried to get tickets, but it isn't possible to get two seats together. I didn't realize the Cubs were so popular that they sell out Wrigley Field.

We have been having a lot of fun in the city. Ray has been hanging out with us escorting us around the Chicago scene. We had a thrilling afternoon visit to a strip club Saturday afternoon. There were many HOT HOT strippers. E.Shrew and I loooove strippers! We are pretty big tippers too!

The Shrew and I have been bumping into this dancing sex machine a couple times. Mike is a really nice guy. He can pop, thrust, and gyrate on the dancefloor more than I can jiggy dance. I couldn't keep up! He's sooo sexy when he dances, I couldn't help tugging a nipple here and there or rubbing my hands along Mike's furry chest. You know... I should really ask permission before I cop a feel with others. I am very handsy. (hope Mike didn't mind) At Berlin, I had the pleasure of meeting Vince too. (looks the same as his pics!) I am not sure of what Vince's blog is anymore. He moved to Chicago and I think he got a new blog. Vince danced liked he had ants in his pants last night. (but in a good way)

The Christina Aguilera concert (with the Pussycat Dolls) last night was awesome! Christina and PCD sounded grat and looked amazing! I was having a lot of fun standing up and dancing in the aisle. I do regret not bringing my camera. Everybody else sure was taking pics and video recording.

We did have an adventurous cab ride back into the city after the concert. The cab driver was Eastern European. I have never heard of the language the cabbie spoke before. Was he Polish or Czech? Whatever he was, he didn't know where Boystown or Halstead street was. (the gay area) The cabbie was lost and kept calling people to tell him where that area of town was. I pleaded with E.Shrew for patience. E.Shrew was like "HMPFH!" It was my first cab ride ever where a police car pulled us over. The guy was talking on his cell phone (a NO NO) and took an illegal right turn on red. I felt sorry for the guy, though we were sitting for 10 minutes while the cop wrote him up. I did give the Eastern European cab driver a full cab fare ($47), much to the chagrin of E.Shrew.

I did lose my ATM card yesterday. I think I must have left it in some strippers ass from all the swiping I did with the card. I called and cancelled the card late last night when I realized I couldn't find it anywhere. Today we are going to check out of our hotel and make our way to another hotel. We'll try to capture the sights and sounds of Chicago for one more day. I wanna go to a strip club again!

These photos were taken by Tate. I think he did a great job. Just today, a co-worker said that I have lost too much weight. I wanted to run to Taco Bell. But I resisted. How else can I parade myself all over my blog shirtless if I don't watch the pudge? By the way, my BMI says I am slightly overweight. At 168#'s naked on my 5'7" body, I am at my ideal weight to romp around the beach naked shirtless.

Flossy Flossy

Tomorrow, I'll be on a jet plane living the life in the fast lane flossy flossy to see Christina Aguilera in concert. Yes, we are flying to Chicago for the weekend. This was all E.Shrew's idea. He is calling it my EARLY birthday present. That present includes providing for the airfare, premium concert seats, AND the deluxe hotel accomodations. Don't worry peeps, my birthday is still a couple months away. (TRUE GEMINI here) But... it is a great birthday present! E.Shrew always gives me a trip for my birthday. I really appreciate it because I love to travel, but I can't always afford to. It is always a very generous gesture on E.Shrew's part.

We have a pretty flexible schedule with no plans. I'll get picked up at the airport by Ray. He's a friend that I used to run around with in the early 90's in Baton Rouge before he moved to Chicago. Ray has already met E.Shrew once before in New Orleans and they got along very well. E.Shrew flies in from a work gig later that night. At some point, we'll all get to meet this hot fucker, who I have been waiting to meet for eons. Don't be jealous Scotty in Bedford! ;) I'll call Mike once I touchdown at Midway and we'll figure out what we are doing then.

So... what a great EARLY birthday present! Not only do I get to see Christina Aguilera in concert... but I am being reunited with an old friend and meeting a new one. Thank you E.Shrew. You are simply the coolest! :)

Seung-Hui Cho and I

I couldn't help but think of some similarities between Seung-Hui Cho and my former self. I never had violent tendencies, but I was very similar. I would go to Elementary School, High School, and College and be the biggest loner. I never walked the school's halls with friends. I would be in the library at a table by myself studying. I would eat at the cafeterias and dining halls at a table all by myself. I never talked to anyone. I didn't have any friends. It is very striking to read the similarities of my social skills growing up to that of Seung-Hui Cho.

Often, I would wonder if I ever got married would anyone sit on the groom's side for me? Or if I died, would anyone show up at my funeral? I even had a teacher recommend counseling when I once wrote a paper about my greatest wish was "to have a friend". Of course, I never did go to counseling. I knew that no counseling in the world could instantly help me get a friend. I was trapped in a horrible and painful cocoon that I could not find my way out of. The only one to truly help me out of the cocoon was going to have to be me.

Sadly, I was incapable of coming out of this impenetrable shell because I knew I was VERY DIFFERENT. If I made eye contact or tried to talk to others, they would immediately reject me because I was gay. As the only gay person I knew, I thought I was a freak of nature. Back in my days at a rural school, being gay meant getting beat up. It was scandalous and life threatening to be a gay youth. No one must know. No one must find out.

That all changed when I came out in the early 1990's. Thanks to Kevin, everything changed in my life. I discovered other gay people. There was a whole community around me, but I didn't even realize it. I was happy. I was among other gay people just like me. I often felt like this marked my "real birth". This was my real life. That past life of being friendless and gay was someone else's life. When I came out to my family and co-workers in 1997, I felt such utter joy and happiness. I could finally stop living a lie and let them see the real me. When I think about where I have come from and where I am now... I can only smile and be proud of my progress.

HOWEVER, I still have a ways to go. I probably attach too much of my identity to being "gay". Just this morning, I became keenly aware that I am still the same boy that sometimes doesn't talk or make eye contact with anyone. Everyone at my gym is very hetero, young, and good looking. I guess I am scared if I said "Hi" and introduced myself, they would immediately reject me. As soon as I gave my last name, they would know who my father is. (He's very well known in the Parish) They would then narrow it down to me being the gay son they hear about. Why am I still scared that they will immediately reject me? At this point... I should be over it. Yet for some reason, being comfortable with everyone knowing that I am Brett the homo son of So and So is something I haven't been brave enough to conquer yet. It is the last vestige of my difficult childhood that I haven't completely expunged yet. That should be my mission.

It is weird too. At the gym, I see other guys look at me as if I am an oddity. They are so curious as to why I am so quiet. They are curious why they never see me socialize with others or hear my voice in the gym. I see those looks. Today, I caught several looks that made me feel conscientious that maybe they think I am like Seung-Hui Cho. It embarrassed me. In light of all my progress in life, why can't I be as comfortable in a gym with hetero strangers as I am in other places?

As I was leaving the gym, I picked up a Muscle Milk and a protein bar. The young girl at the counter said "I'll put this on your account." I begin to read her my account number on my gym card, but she interrupted me with... "I know your name and got it taken care of." I asked "You know my name?" She smiled and said "Of course I do! You are Brett _______. " I could only smile.

To Virginia Tech...

All my prayers are to everyone in the Virginia Tech family tonight. Be strong. God Bless. Hug your babies tight tonight and tell them how much you love them. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I am sorry for all those who lost their loved ones.

French Quarter Fest

Bourbon Street
Jackson Square
Joe, Stanley and me. Joe may be moving to San Francisco in a few weeks. I am going to miss him.
The Natchez steamboat
E.Shrew cruising Jackson Square.
After spending most of the weekend in the country (where I live)... we made it down to New Orleans for the French Quarter Fest. It was PACKED with locals and tourists. It was nice to walk around and taste all the different food at the various booths setup by the local restaurants. I got buzzed early on Coors light beer. I survived though I am very flushed at the moment.

It's All Wrong...

But It's All Right!

My most twisted video ever. Purely made up for entertaining you guys. You know what? I don't take myself too seriously... and you shouldn't either! ;)


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Booked for SF

It's official. I finally parted with my Benjamins for a plane ticket to the Gay Blogger Summit II in San Francisco June 21 - 25th. I'll be staying with this cool cat. Rumor is that this hilly billy (ahem... do I have any room to talk?) may stay at least a night at the bachelor's pad.

I am so much looking forward to seeing all the familiar bloggers in the big gay blog world. It is going to be like Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton's night on the town TIMES twenty. Whose snatch will be caught exposed by the papparazzi? Who can put the largest burrito in their mouth without gagging? Can you imagine all the merriment, mischief, and drama that will ensue? Oh... I can!

I am still waiting for Julie the Cruise Director to let me know when and where I am jumping out the cake to kick off the event. I am also hoping we can squeeze in a Jiggy Dance Competition somewhere. I am already making my outfit and rehearsing my artistic program. ;)

New Orleans Easter Celebration

Chris Owens Easter Parade
The Easter Bunny!
Me with a miniature horse and a cowboy Bourbon Street
Chris Owens
Sponge Bob Square Pants!
Everyone is decked out on the floats.

Watch out for those Caterpillars

First Jack Shrew had a mysterious limp. Then Boudreaux began walking without his right back leg. Not far behind was Pierre walking around without his front left paw. To our horror... all of the dogs had walked on caterpillars in the French Quarter. One by one, they were all walking around with a limp. We noticed people carrying their dogs through the streets. Oh what a site! The caterpillars are striking at all the pooches in the French Quarter. This is WAR!

Word to the wise... watch your pooches. Caterpillar season is here in the South and they give nasty stings!

The End of the World for Me...

What is this strange sensation that is overcoming me? Nooo... it's not the anxiety from being discovered at Taco Bell (ordering the #4). It's that awful word that starts with an "L". I can hardly even pronounce it from seldom using it in my vocabulary. It is "LOST". There. I said it. I LOST in tennis yesterday. It's such a strange sensation to say that word for me. This is what it feels like to be a loser. Dammit. This sucks. Losing is for losers!

Whipping Boy was up 5-0 on my Taco Bell eating ass yesterday before I rallied to tie it at 5-5 in the first set. Then the score became 6-6. Then I lost the seventh game tie-breaker! GASP! I had just lost the first set 7-6. HOW HORRID! I was deflated. I got waxed in the second set 6-2. I was destroyed, ruined, and laid to waste by arch-foe Whipping Boy. It is truly the end of the world for me.

Unfortunately for Whipping boy, there has been a glitch in the tennis ranking voting. Apparently 2 voters came down with sudden food poisoning, 3 voters are missing, and one has been strangled in the middle of the night. At least 10 other ballots have been rejected because of discrepancies. Because of all the alleged events suddenly unfolding, the tennis association in charge of the rankings has no choice but to postpone the new rankings for the time being. Sorry Whipping Boy. I know how much you looked forward to seeing your name at #1. ;) Those damned voters! (EVIL GRIN)

Moneygrubbing Lawyers Disgust Me

I have only been half-assed following the Anna Nicole's baby custody battle. Quite frankly, I really didn't care which Baby Daddy breeded her. Gosh... you would think Anna Nicole was a gay man with all the different partners she was having sex with. As my dad would say, if she had as many dicks going out of her as she had going in her (DRUMROLL PLEASE)... she would look like a porcupine! Seriously though, one thing about the whole "WHO SEEDED HER?" mystery has really stuck a thorn in my side. I can't pinpoint why it did, but it did.

Larry Birkhead's former attorney, Debra Opri , just sent him a bill for $620,492.84 two weeks after he fired her. This is all just so Larry Birkhead can get DNA testing done to prove he is the baby's daddy. In addition to all of Debra's extravagant expenses on the bill, Debra's hourly rate was $475 an hour. Opri insisted that her charges to Birkhead were "reasonable, necessary, and appropriate, given the complexity and magnitude of this very high profile case that was litigated in two different states and a foreign country."

I say this is hogwash. In my opinion, these lawyers are NOT worth that much money. Did Debra also charge him for those high profile fancy suits she wore each day, her bling bling or sipping on Cristal with her law firm's homies? I think it is ridiculous that some lawyers expect to get paid so much money as if they were celebrities or sports stars. Is this what our legal system is coming to? Why are so many lawyers hit with "lottery fever" whenever they have to do a little work in their profession? When are we going to start charging these lawyers with fraudently overcharging through their voodoo time billing and hollywood accounting ?

A Pissing Contest with a Bear...

As an established blogger, I have those that admire me in one way or another. They'll write me telling me how much I inspire them. Most of the time, it is about "coming out". For all the silliness that is me, I somehow give them the courage to confront their own sexuality and make them feel better about being a gay man. It is always a nice feeling to hear that I have somehow helped someone. It makes me feel like it is all worth it.

Then at other times... I often step on toes. (WHO... ME???) Just this last Friday night, I ran into a "bear" who I know reads my blog. Apparently, he read this humorous post, and he was NOT too happy about it. This grizzly bear let me know that I have lost too much weight and that I don't look healthy. The WORST thing you can tell another gay man is that he does not look healthy. I was in total shock. I tried to protest that all this weight loss was very intentional. I even raised up my shirt and showed them the flat stomach that I almost never have! Still... the bear went on and on how I did not look good, I need to hit the gym, and gain some weight back. Needless to say, I was stunned.

Don't worry peeps. I am not about to go pig out at Taco Bell every night just because a bear told me I was too skinny. For those that need to know... I have purposively transformed my body to a leaner and more toned shape. I am now built better for tennis tournaments which require better conditioning and a lot more stamina. Gone is the person that was THICK. Translation: muscular build but pudgey. That person would often get longwinded running around on the tennis courts for two hours. Often times, you could just prop your beer bottle on my "top shelf" when you needed me to hold your drink. That person is not coming back!