Friday, May 04, 2007

The Subtle Nuances of Greeting Her Majesty, the Queen of England, and Brettcajun:

Considering Queen Elizabeth II is now in our country for this weekend's Kentucky Derby, it is high time we all brush up on our knowledge of how to greet her majesty the Queen of England and this queen.

1. Rise when she enters the room.

Men should fawn when I pass by and be prepared to immediately get down on their knees should the call to action ever come when I enter the local watering hole.

2. If you make eye contact with her, it’s ok to smile. She will be introduced by a host.

Don't wait for E.Shrew to introduce me. In fact, I'll be walking around like the Shrew is not even there. Make cruisey goo goo eyes at me and lower your eyes towards my protruding crotch. This is the only proper way to pay your respect.

3. Give a gentle but firm handshake when she offers her hand after the introduction.

A grope, nipple tug, and buttocks cupping is what I expect. It is considered rude to simply offer a peck on the cheeks when I offer my hand on any of your parts.

4. Refer to the queen as “your majesty.” Lower nobility, like her husband The Duke of Edinburgh, are “your highness.”

I am to be referred to as "your slabness", "sexy", or "coonnass". The only proper way to address the Shrew is "your evilness".

5. Women can give a slight curtsy, crossing the right foot behind the left and bowing slightly.

Women are to immediately gasp, spin around and head straight out the door. Their presence is neither requested nor wanted whenever I hold court.

6. Men should bow their heads slightly when shaking hands with her.

Men should wait for the signal. If I give the bedroom eyes signal, you may greet me with a kiss on the mouth. A tongue only if I initiate it. For those who get the polite but plastic smile, you may only kiss me on the cheek.

7. Wait for her host to lead her to you, do not walk up to her.

This queen rathers the throngs of fans crowding her space and rushing to get to meet her. I am the star and you are the starfuckers. Comprendes?

8. The queen will steer the conversation and determine when it ends.

Generally, I can only spare five minutes before I must move on unless I find you incredibly sexy. Then, my attention is all yours for the evening. Generally, it is not much talking going on but plenty hugging and fondling.

9. Lastly, don’t touch the queen during conversation: not only is it considered impolite, her security will likely swarm in on you.

Don't worry about E.Shrew. Typically, I seem to forget he is even around during times like this. It is VERY IMPORTANT to touch this queen. I am very handsy and only respect others who are equally so. Sharing our admiration for each other can only be accomplished by the physical and not the verbal.

There you have it. Rules how to greet her majesty, the Queen of England, and Brettcajun the other queen. By the way, if every post this week has been cocky, blame it on grueling times in the gym and beating Whipping Boy back to the Stone Ages. A good drumming on the tennis courts will actually cure me back to being humble. ;) Let us all pray!


Blogger Lewis said...

"Subtle nuisances".....please. Spare us. Nothing subtle about it.....And if you didn't sound so much like me, I may think you were completely bat-ass crazy. (Just a little, not a lot.) You can 100% positively count on a grope....and I hope you'll return the favor. Nothing like a grope among friends.

May 04, 2007  
Blogger lifescolorfulbrushstrokes said...

Oh so want to be the QUEEN right now! Stroke that ego baby, stroke it. LOL

May 04, 2007  
Blogger TonkaManOR said...

Funny! Thanks I needed a pick-me-up today!

May 04, 2007  
Blogger -Tony- said...

Subtle and Brett don't go together.

May 04, 2007  
Blogger Homer said...

Best post ever.

May 05, 2007  
Blogger cb said...

I beg to differ with #4... I thought you were referred to as "that Queen"....


May 06, 2007  
Blogger Timmy said...

Hysterical! I think you've articulated the greeting rules for every queen in America!

May 06, 2007  

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