Me and A Snake... with Paranoid Delusions on my Back

I have an uninvited guest in my home of the slimy scary serpent variety. Being that I have Ophidiophobia, my guest is VERY unwelcome. How did such a creature find it's way into my home? The only thing I can think of is that it came in from the utility room. See... I had rigged up the dryer exhaust with duct tape because the original aluminum tubing was too short to reach between the wall and the dryer. There has been a huge gaping hole there for a couple of months before I finally did something about it on Sunday. I am surely paying for my sins of procrastination now!

The chance encounter happened this last Saturday. I had a drawer that hadn't closed right for a few days. There was an old film roll that fell behind the drawer and the cabinet leaving a small space. I pulled the drawer out and discovered to my horror a young yet long snake. What was my reaction? Well... in most horrible situations that can cause a typical person to sob uncontrollably and lose their shit... I remain steadfastly calm. Not this time. I screamed like a little girl in bloody terror as I ran out of the master bedroom. The Shrew leaped from the living room couch and insisted on knowing what all the fuss was about.

Of course, when E.Shrew gets to the bathroom and peers into the space where the drawer went, there is no snake. I make him put back the drawer as quickly as possible to block the snake from ever coming out again. As far as I am concerned, the evil and vile creature can just DIE there. I get pissed that Michael does not believe me. I don't care that he thinks I am a little girl for being scared of a snake. I just want the snake OUT MY HOUSE!

Then something horrible happened. A bad thunderstorm rolls into our area. Lightening, monsoon-like rain and roaring thunder is unleashed from the skies. After 10 minutes, my electricity is knocked out. OOOOOOH MYYYYYYYY GAAAAAAAWD. NOOOOOOOO! FUCK! This can't be happening!!!! I am trapped in a house with no power and a fucking snake!!! It's a bad horror movie!

Not being particuliarly sensitive to my paranoid delusions, E.Shrew suddenly announces that he must shave if we are indeed going to the dinner party. I am terrified as he decides to go shave in the same bathroom where the snarky snake is hiding out in. I warn him to be careful and look out for the snake. I give him a flashlight and he goes in my bathroom to shave. He quietly comes back to the living room and announces that he sees the snake's head poking out from the drawer. I turn white as a ghost. I immediately get a coat hanger and a trashbag and order E.Shrew to erradicate the vermin. "Why me?" he shrewdly asks. I instantly on the spot ordained him as the man of the house. And as the man of the house, it is his duty to protect it's inhabitants.

E.Shrew pulls the drawer out and once again we see the ghastly creature. I panic all over again and fumble around with the flash light, trash bag and the coat hanger. I get yelled out for being clumsy and almost squandering the opportunity. E.Shrew tries to hook the fleeing snake, but the little demon spawn successfully crawls away into a side crack. I am HOWLING with fury that once again the snake escapes a capture.

Last night, I had the uneviable task of trying to go to sleep in my bed right next to the bathroom where the snake is hiding out in. For extra protection, I dressed in socks, warm up pants, underwear, and a t-shirt. Hey... that has to help out in case of a snake bite! I expertly placed Boudreaux in my right arm and Pierre in my left arm as I got into my sleep position. If that snake was going to crawl out the hole and up into my bed, then surely having two Dachshunds next to me would serve as some sort of alert system. (or at least I was praying it would)

Then it happened. At precisely 11:45pm, I was jarred awake by a loud DROPPING sound in the shower. It was not caused by the air conditioner beginning to run or shutting down. It was a loud sound in the eery silence of the night. I screamed (like a girl again) and jumped out of bed with my flashlight. I could feel all the hairs on my head stand up. I had goose bumps all over my body. Finding nothing, I quickly relocated myself and my Dachshund children to my computer room where a small bed rests on drawers five feet high. I would surely be safer in a place where I do my Jiggy dances.

Finally managing to go to sleep, I was awakened this morning by my cell phone's alarm. I had a great feeling of dread that I had to re-enter my master bedroom and bathroom to get ready for work this morning. With a flashlight in my hand, I surveyed all corners and watched every space I stepped on. Within a few minutes, every light in the house was turned on. Every unexplained sound gave me instant goose bumps. Ahhh... the joys of paranoid delusions. Wait, no... it's called Ophidiophobia.