Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Those Little Bastards!

It is VERY RARE that I have a problem sleeping at night. No, this wasn't caused by all the hate mail from Scotty's fans. [Those wonderful comments and emails are a testament to how much Scotty is loved! For the record, I love Scotty. I tried to do something different than the usual football, tennis, or half naked pics of myself. Well, it backfired like Madonna's sex book. It pushed an envelope, but the backlash was swift and SCORCHING! For all you peeps out there... the "rivalry"post was done in jest. I gave Scotty and Mathew a head's up about it before I even started typing it. Sorry for those who thought it was "childish". Hey, my boyfriend tells me all the time that I am "childish". I think THAT is an endearing quality. Better than a BOQ!]

You thought I was calling Scotty's fans bastards didn't you? No... I am not THAT clever! "Those Little Bastards!" was what I was calling my two beloved Daschunds last night. There was a dog that was hanging around outside my house all night howling like a wolf. I think it was a female dog in heat! My rugrats went stir crazy. I was jarred awake about every 10 minutes from 11pm through 2:30am by my weenie dogs barking loudly like a burgular had just came in my front door. My poor roommates probably didn't get much sleep either. (sorry Erich and Sean!) The craziness finally stopped when I punished my children. I locked them in a bathroom and turned off the light. Aside from a few scratching noises on that bathroom door, it helped solve the chaos. I probably got about 4 hours of sleep last night. When I put my children back in the bed with me at 6:30am, I could tell that they were sorry. They silently looked at me with their puppy eyes and each laid over an arm of mine as if to say "I am sorry Daddy for being bad last night." Awww... just don't do it again... you little Scotty Fans. ;)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

A Rivalry You May Not Have Known About...

I cannot be silent about this anymore! I am tired of living under Scotty's shadow! When I first began to blog, Scotty was one of the first bloggers to contact me. I guess I was "new meat". The tailchasing started and we developed a nice blogging friendship. Well, the year has passed and I have watched with great envy as Scotty has COUNTERWHORED his way to the blogging stratosphere. He has well over a 100 bloggers linking to him, a FAG HAG army that is staggering in numbers, and a HNT ratings hit every fucking Thursday! I am looking at my counter which says: 12,617. Scotty's counter has: 16,339!!! I cannot STAND IT!!!

How did I grow so envious over Scotty? The seeds of the story starts when you follow the comment trail. Check out a few of the battles for Matthew's attention HERE and HERE. Did you read Scotty's comments? Uh huh. Wait... there's more! Scotty and I are battling for Matthew's affections HERE and HERE. Of course the battle simmered to a boil HERE after I gave Matthew a VERY SPECIAL AWARD. Scotty must have been livid at me doing a backhanded comment after giving the award, all the while blowing hot air up Matthew's skirt. This is when I first realized there was a bitchfest brewing!

The GLOVES ARE OFF! I can no longer sit by idle as my rival continues to expand her evil empire. I must strike back! This week you'll see my OWN response to HalfNakedThursdays. I'll one up him... I'll post FULLNAKEDTHURSDAY. Honey, I can OUTWHORE Paris Hilton if I wanted too! Anything for ratings! (EVIL GRIN) But that's not all. The cruelest strike will be this coming weekend. Oh, I have a NASTY surprise for MISS THANG. Matthew's tail is mine MOFO! :)

Monday, November 28, 2005


It is like I am Charlie from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I got TWO golden tickets to the SEC Championship game (LSU vs. Georgia) this weekend. There were over 24,000 requests from LSU season ticket holders, but only 16,000 tickets were available to LSU. There was a lottery... and I WON! I was lucky for the third time in a row actually! I went to the SEC Championship game AND the National Championship Game two years ago under the lottery system.

So... I'll be in Atlanta Thursday night for the big weekend game! I fly back home Sunday morning. Hmmm... will I finally get to meet Matthew? This will be the THIRD blogger buddy I have met. I have already met Donnell McDoughall's Doodles and Scott from Purple Twinkie. If I meet Jonah in Hawaii in January, that will be meeting FOUR BLOGGER BUDDIES in less than five months! Woohoo!!!!

E.Shrew is going to fly in Friday afternoon to attend the game with me. We talked a lot yesterday and today, and I think we have healed some wounds. Where will this go? Who knows? I do know that I understand him a lot better now after this second round of trouble. Beneath that tough and imposing hard shell... he is a sensitive soul on the inside. I feel closer to him now than I have ever felt. Yesterday, it felt so good to just hug him and tell him that no matter where our future paths take us... he'll always be my buddy.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

The Time Has Come...

to open up a can of whoopass on Heath, my arch-rival, in the tennis world. He is the #1 ranked player in my Brett's World Tennis Rankings. I lost the first battle in a fiercely competitive duel. The second battle was a 2-6, 7-5 draw. This is my battle to win.

Brett's World Tennis Rankings
1. Heath
2. Brett
3. David (fell down a notch from lack of play and too much turkey)
4. E. Shrew
5. Tom
6. Bart

Oh What a Nice Sunny Day in the Country...

The weather today was so nice. It felt so good to feel the sun's rays warm my skin. Was it really necessary to post shirtless pics of myself on my blog? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY!!! I have an evil plan to capture more hits on my blog than counterwhoreScotty . He does his HNT thing, so I have to use my horses and country settings as MY THING. Just wait until I pull a GRAND SURPRISE next week on him! Hee... hee... it has something to do with CHASING TAIL. Stay tuned...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

That Grand Ole Tradition called Football...

I am no dumb bunny. I am fully aware having "football" in the title of this blogpost means ZERO interest to my readership, which is almost entirely made up of gay men. To compensate for that... I ran in my backyard and took these photos just for my very special FRIENDS OF DOROTHY.

For those straight folk and lesbian readers...

I am too old for football. It is a tradition in my family to play football after our Thanksgiving food has gone down. I am all beat up from the traditional Thanksgiving football game. It started out cute. The nephews were catching passes and scoring touchdowns. Then one particuliar nephew began to deploy a devious strategy: just hand the ball off to the freight train that is my twin brother. I successfully dragged his ass down a few times at a great expense to my sexy legs. Not to be outdone, I was deployed to be the mack truck on my team. It was a brutal Twin Vs. Twin battle. We were the only ones capable of tackling one another. The end result is that now I have nasty grass burns on my arms and legs. I look like one beat up MOFO! Greaaat.... that'll look SEXY in the bars... ! I'll be saying "No... this is not a skin condition... I played football yesterday. No SERIOUSLY! I did! These are grass burns! Seriously! I am not KIDDING! These are bruises and scratches from playing America's greatest game."

Being Thankful on Thanksgiving Day...

Here I am going to Thanksgiving Day lunch with my family without a partner (again). My family will be there with all their young ones and their loving spouses. It'll be just me... party of one. It is going to be sad for me.

I am thankful for my family and my dear friends. I honestly don't know if I deserve them. For too long, I have sacrificed a lot for my relationship. My family and friendships are all secondary when I am in a relationship. That special guy that I am attached to gets most all of my attention and loving. Now that I am single and alone, I feel naked. I feel like the unloved ugly neighborhood dog.

I am sure I'll be alright. I have some very dedicated friends that put up with a lot from me. They have seen my Ups and Downs. They keep waiting and waiting for me to grow up. They are waiting for me to come into my own, stand on my two feet, and be the confident man I should be.

Trust me, I am just as eager for that person to come out too. For all of you out there in the blogworld that admire me... I just wish I could be half the person that I pretend to be.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The Taming of The Shrew...

is an impossible task that no mere mortal should volunteer for. I tried in vain with no such success. Ultimately, the Shrew cannot be tamed. I am exhausted emotionally. I am sleep deprived. I give up.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Tour of New Orleans

Louisiana Pizza Kitchen. A favorite haunt of ours. Notice I am wearing my crotch showing Adidas sweatpants. When I wear these, I am always catching women and men looking at my package. (which is why I wear it)

Our Waitron Unit (Big boobies huh?) She was working it HARD Sunday. You know you have a nice rack when even two gay men are mesmerized by them!

Me trying to decide which pizza to order. Lunch here was DELISH! We had a SUPERB roasted garlic pizza. Were we trying to ward off vampires?

A Carriage Ride through the French Quarter. Note to E. Shrew: please refrain from calling certain people on the street decked out in hip hop garb with lots of shopping bags "Looters" when our horse carriage guide is of the same ethnic group! Whoops! Insert foot in mouth.

E.Shrew's Butt. He was an ass to me Saturday night. What's his side of the story? It had something to do with a game we play of "THERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND". Everytime one of our gay enemies (and we both have some) pass by... we annoy each other by announcing their boyfriend just passed by. In one particuliar ugly incident, one of E.Shrew's boyfriends happens to catch me pointing at him as I loudly (and drunkenly) announce it. E. Shrew erupts. NOT A PRETTY SIGHT!

Bourbon Street. Slowly coming back. Most of the bars are open. The crowds get busy later at night. Still not as much foot traffic as in the good old days. The heart of the French Quarter is pumping stronger and stronger.

A Stop at the Bourbon Pub on St. Ann and Bourbon St. Ahhh.... nothing like ice cold Bud Lite. So refreshing at 2:30pm in the afternoon! Yes... we got started drinking early!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Writing A Book

I am writing a book. No, it is not going to be a chronicle of my life like Scotty would do. Hell, I wear my feelings on my sleeves... you have all read the Book of Brett MANY TIMES. No folks, I am going to write a fiction. It may be science fiction or fantasy fiction. Who knows? I do know that I want to accomplish something BIG in my life.

I have to face the fact that no matter how many gratuitous self photos I post here on my site, I am not going to be the PORN STAR I always wanted to be. No Sugar Daddy is waiting in the wings to sweep me off my feet, pay my bills, let me spend my whole day working out and playing tennis. Naaa... I have to use what talents God gave me. As a Gemini, I am a very creative person. I would love to be the next JK Rowling. Let me be honest, I would love to have her MONEY. Ha ha!!!

Wish me luck! If I am successful, I may even bankroll Scotty's future book. What did I hear the title of that book was going to be?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Spanking Tom Yet Again (4-6, 6-2, 7-5)

That old Tom ALMOST had me. It was the PERFECT STORM. I still have a sore heel on my left foot, and then as I was playing tennis tonight I suddenly noticed that my right shin was very tight and sore. I was hobbling around like an old man in shorts and a tight "Plow the Line" red T-shirt. It was a cold 36 degrees. Brrrr....

Tom SHOCKINGLY beat me 6-4 in the first set. It was a RARE set loss for me. I was PISSED. NO WAY FUCKER! I DON'T THINK SO! On the next set, I waxed him 6-2. Uh huh... that's more like it. Take your silly ass back to Harahan MOFO! Then came the third and final set. We have NEVER played three sets before. I was stunned! Tom bolted out to a 4-1 lead. NOOOOOOOO! This CAN'T be happening!!!

I was determined NOT to lose this match. I have NEVER lost to Tom before. This was NOT going to be the time. I took out my can of whoopass... and opened it. Can you smell what the Rock is cooking???? I rallied to a 4-3 score. Then in a fierce battle of Deuce and Ad In, Tom won his fifth game. The score in the final set was now 5-3. Tom only had to win ONE game. Would he do it? Would the New Orleans Saints of the tennis world FINALLY win a match?

Same old Saints. They coulda, woulda, shoulda... but didn't. I muscled my way into a tie at 5-5. Then with dramatic flair, I took the lead! It was 6-5!!! Tom's ego was deflated. He saw me snatch certain victory away from him. In the last game, he sputtered and his engine broke down. In the final game, I coasted easily and ended up winning the final set 7-5 to a GRAND VICTORY. I was relieved. My record against Tom in Singles was still perfect. Whew! I did feel bad though. He had worked so hard to beat me. He scored more Aces than he had ever scored. He was soooo close. The only advice I could give him was to keep trying. I used to win 2/3rds of our games. He is now very competitive with me. Just keep trying buddy. You'll get there one day! The match was so close, it was the funnest match I have ever played. Thanks for the sports drama!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Brett Has A Bad Ass Haircut Now!

Why does this give me the urge to lick my armpits??? I am going to have to declare November "Narcissitic Month" for my blog. Why am I suddenly posting WAY MORE pics of myself all the time now? Perhaps I subconsciously know that winter is coming, and I am counting down the days when my body will start storing blubber.

Where are all the bloggers going?

I have noticed a horrible trend with my blogger buddies! They are disappearing, for various reasons, one by one. Atlsingleman is gone. I just saw where Adam from Skye View is gone. The Gock is leaving. (what is your email address Gock?) Defect Effect (Sean) hasn't blogged in a quite a while and is still going through his ordeals. Why is this all going on???

The day Scotty announces that he has nothing more to say, is going to be the final nail in the coffin. If you don't know Scotty... he ALWAYS has something to say!

What is going on guys??? WHY? WHY? WHY? I plan on blogging for life. This is my history. This is my way of being immortal. One day I want my family and my friends to have a personal little historical insight into the world they may not have known about Brett. That is what I am in it for. I am not leaving the blogging world.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Back to the Farm

With all this traveling, I have left behind a few furry friends. It's good to be back home and be settled. Something about feeding the animals, doing laundry and laying on the couch with Boudreaux and Pierre... makes me feel that all is back right in the universe.


LSU upset #3 ranked Alabama. Don't we always beat Alabama every year now? Is there another SEC Championship in the cards for my beloved LSU Tigers? Will it be deja vu all over again? It can! The following things need to happen:

1. Beating Ole Piss (Ole Miss) and the Arkansas Razorbacks to finish out the season 10-1. This will be easy. The Ole Miss Rebels and the Arkansas Razorbacks... SUCK ASS!!! They are both 3-6 and suck more than my nephew Mason's pee wee football team.

2. Administering another ASSWHOOPING of the Georgia Bulldogs in the Georgia Dome (Sorry Dennis and Thom!). Yes, I can see this scenario play out. The Georgia Bulldogs just aint what they used to be. LSU has ADDED INCENTIVE to bruise these dogs. They EMBARRASSED us in Athens last year. Yes... I was at that game and had the long ride home. It sucked. I want revenge NOW dammit!

3. Texas getting upset in the Big 12 Conference Championship Game (like Kansas St. did to Oklahoma two years ago) resulting in LSU sneaking into the National Championship Game and WINNING the National Championship!

If LSU achieves Goal #1 (and squashes Ole Miss and Arkansas), BRETT WILL BE IN ATLANTA IN A FEW WEEKS to witness another ASSWHOOPING of the Georgia Bulldogs! GEAUX TIGERS!!!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

47 Tennis Games and a Hurt Heel

Laden with injuries on the court, me and E. Shrew were quickly OUSTED in second round of the tournament yesterday. We faced the two top seeds in our bracket. My opponent in the second round received a "BYE" and had fresh legs. Surprisingly, I was winning 2-1 before succumbing to a massive heel injury. I was doing my usual jumping and running around crazy on the tennis court, when I landed hard on my right heel. My 174 pounds of bodyweight on my right foot badly bruised my right heel. My opponent asked me if I wanted to take a break, but I insisted on finishing the match on a hobbled foot. I limped around the entire match. I was NOT going to withdraw!

On the first set, I lost 6-2. On the second set, I shockingly hobbled around and had a 3-0 lead. That didn't last. My opponent did exactly what I would have done in a similar situation. He hit the ball far away from me and made me run my tired old decrepit body all over the court. I was toast. I ended up losing the second set 6-3.

I learned that E. Shrew had lost his singles match due to an injury too. He was beating the #1 seed 4-0 before stubbing his toe. His nailbed almost came completely off. He lost his second set 6-4, then had to withdraw after losing 5-0 in the second set. That was it for me and E. Shrew. We were done. We felt like OLD, ORNERY and HOBBLED men well past our prime. My entire body hurt: my back hurt, my shoulders were sore, my legs were aching, my ankles were crushed, and my right heel was deeply bruised.

We were not done for the day though. I had brilliantly signed us up for a doubles match just in case we went down in flames in our first singles match. We were staring across the net at a doubles team that had been resting for half the day. Our opponents had each lost their first singles games. E. Shrew and I had to play our third match of the day. The doubles game started just 30 minutes after we finished our third match. E. Shrew said in his croaked OLD voice... "I am never going to forgive you for signing up for this many games in one day." I was sore and crabby. I said back, "BITE ME". When we limped onto the court, we bit the dust 6-2, 6-2. I was not surprised. E. Shrew and I are not great TEAM PLAYERS. We are SOOOO much better playing as individuals responsible for our ownselves.

After hanging my head down in shame, all I could think about is that I needed an erotic deep massage AND food. Because we were playing back to back the whole day, we hadn't eaten anything more than a powerbar the entire day. I was HUNGRY, TIRED, and SORE. And boy did my host Tim have to deal with a CRANKY QUEEN last night! I bitched and moaned about EVERYTHING. I had to endure an impossible schedule all day. Everything was dictated by the scheduling Gods. I was ready to seize back control of my day and do what the fuck I wanted to do.

But I couldn't. I was at Tim's mercy. We had to wait for handsome David and John to get ready before we would go eat at the Saltgrass Steakhouse. I whined and I moaned. I was sooooo hungry. I was telling anyone that would listen to me that I was about to die of mass starvation, malnutrition and anorexia. Nobody believed me. We get to the Saltgrass Steakhouse and there was a 15 minute wait. Noooo.... I would surely drop dead on the spot now. I am so starving.... I was pensively looking out for vultures circling above to come down and feast upon my malnourished body. Fortunately, we eventually got seated and had a great meal. Ahhh.... things are looking up. Thank you Lord!

After a great meal and company, I was hoping to go soak in David and John's hottub. Sadly, that would have to wait too. Tim wanted us to go see the Champions Cup of Houston at the Westside Tennis Center. I pouted. I was over tennis. I wanted to go soak and then rest. When would we get to do what Brett wanted to do? I guess drinking three redbulls in one day AND losing leads to DIVA like bitchiness afterwards. I didn't win the battle. They dragged me to the Westside Tennis Center anyway. I was quiet as we watched a match between Aaron Krickstein vs. Jim Currier, then Todd Martin vs. John McEnroe. That was nice to watch old tennis pros playing each other. There was a bunch of kids in the audience from high school tennis clubs. They were getting on my nerves. Their chirpy little voices were rattling me. God... I need to lie down... the bitchiness in me would not end. Finally, we left the Westside Tennis Center after watching John McEnroe blow the first set.

I was ready to soak. But NOOOOOO.... E. Shrew was tired and wanted to go to bed. So, my sore muscles would get no relief tonight in a luxurious hot tub. Oh, the sacrifices I was making today for everyone! Poor pitiful me... WHINE.... WHINE.... WHINE..... The whining only ended when I shut my eyes. I could have sworn the world was thunderously clapping. The tired old whiney bitchy queen was finally being silenced.

This morning, I woke up feeling a lot better. I am still sore, but not nearly as hurting as yesterday. The whining had been snuffed out by a good night's rest. I wake up and I am no longer in the HouTex25 Tournament. What did I learn from this? If you can stay healthy, you have a chance to win. The moment you have an injury, you are going to be eliminated. I have never played 47 games of tennis in just six hours before. I am confident I was just as good as the other guys. The only difference is that they were physically a little better off when we met on the courts. I'll have to practice playing MORE games in a day before my next tennis tournament. My ankles and feet have to be able to adjust to a more grueling schedule!

What's on tap tonight? We are going to John and David's house to swim and soak in their hottub to relieve these old tired muscles. Then we are going to go out and tear up the nightlife in Houston, Texas. Yeehaw!

Friday, November 11, 2005


Brett wins 6-1, 6-1. I was so nervous as I faced my opponent. I tanked up on Red Bull and bannana. My fears subsided as I realized this was a very beatable opponent. I tried to conserve my energy in the match, thus the 1 loss in each set. I will probably play four tennis matches today alone. Lord give me the strength against the number two seed. He will be well rested because he had a bye the first round. I face the #2 Seed at 12:30pm.

E. Shrew won his match against a queeny queen 6-4, 6-3. He has the uneviable task of facing the #1 Seed at 12:30pm


Thursday, November 10, 2005

Follow Brett to Houston!

I have been playing some individuals who have been kicking my ass in tennis. These are guys with great serves and who can hustle. All along I brought the "SD" hat my friend David from San Diego gave to me. I wore this in my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition spread. I am going to use this hat as my "lucky" hat. Well, it hasn't really been lucky. David in San Diego KICKED MY ASS in it. Heath and Tom made a mockery of us in an infamous doubles swoon the other day. (Did you notice I didn't blog about it?) That San Diego hat is going to serve as my inspiration. It is going to represent all the hard work I have been doing to prepare for this tournament. Playing with that hat, I got my ass impaled over and over again by superior tennis players... and I didn't even enjoy it!

I begin play at 9am on Friday morning. If I advance, I play again at 12:30pm. My doubles match with E. Shrew is at 2:30pm Friday. They will update the scores and progress daily.

The only other time I have ever played in a tournament was this same event a year ago today. I was so nervous that I felt nauseous. I felt that I didn't deserve to be there. I played nervous the whole match. The end result: I got my ass whooped. If I were to win my first match, I have the unenviable task of playing a top seeded player in my class. Translation: Brett will get his ass kicked for sure!

So, wish me luck! Root for the underdog if you are a Brett fan or cheer my pending doom if you are a Brett hater! There is nothing quite like having the pressure of all your blogger buddies (and haters) checking on your progress, huh? Only Brett would do this to himself! Ha ha... perhaps this will give me added incentive to not choke. I hope!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


I LOATHE losing at ANYTHING. I hate to lose... period! LOSING IS FOR LOSERS! I AM NOT A FUCKING LOSER!!! Why am I ranting like this? Well, lately, I have noticed that my tennis game has been coming up a wee bit short. This couldn't possibly be coming at the worse time too! I play my second tennis tournament this Friday in Houston. If I can't beat up on BEATABLE Tom, how in the fuck am I going to win this thing? Now it is time for the rematch. I AM OUT FOR BLOOD MOFO's! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!! There is HELL TO PAY, when Brett LOSES!

Last time we played, Michael and I had a VERY HARD time being "partners" on the same team. I would miss a shot, he would fuss. He would miss a shot, I would howl. Our team self-destructed. We employed a P.O.T. strategy (Pick On Tom), which was working brillantly at first! But then Tom got tired of all our snickers. He picked up his game big time. In front of the net, he spiked everything we threw at him. Those spikes humiliatingly went over our short little heads for added insult. We had no answer for Tom's new found strength. As we quickly bent over and accepted the 6-2 second set FUCKING, you could hear a pindrop on our side of the net.

#3 E.Shrew and #4 Brett Vs. #1 Heath and #5 Tom
6:30pm TONIGHT

WTA Rankings:
1. Heath
2. David
3. E. Shrew
4. Brett
5. Tom
6. Bart

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Goodbye San Diego

I am going to miss you San Diego. This trip was half business, and half touristy pleasure. Thank you David for being a wonderful tour guide and host to the city of San Diego. You started out as a fan of my blog, but you are more than that now. Where I thought we would probably just play tennis and hang out for a day, you went out of your way to make sure I saw all of the city. I appreciate our newfound friendship. Goodbye San Diego with your wonderful beaches. Goodbye David for your wonderful hospitality.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Black's Beach

This was taken today at a NUDE BEACH. Did I get naked? Hmmm.... well... there is someone out there who told me that he didn't want to know WHAT I WAS DOING. Sooo... I guess my answer would have to be "NO".