Halloween in New Orleans

It is Sunday morning the day AFTER the hangover. Michael and I went to the reduced Halloween Circuit Party at the W hotel on Poydras St. (CBD) It was a $30 cover charge, and all the Vodka and Miller Lite you can drink. I didn't mind the cover charge because all the alcohol was donated and all proceeds went to the Lazarus House, which provides help for persons with HIV/AIDS who need assisted living.

It was great to see the New Orleans locals that have come back to the city. We wore our baseball costumes again. I did a little twist though. I sprayed gold glitter on my body to give me that STAR QUALITY look. Yes, when I walk the runway, I like to sparkle! After 30 minutes, my shirt came off and I paraded around the party showing off my hard worked body. Usually when I take off my shirt, I worry that I will have a shade of blue on my face from all the sucking in I must do. Not this time! I have been really doing well with my diet and exercise, so there was no extraordinary straining on my part to hold in the old gut.

Most of the party goers were dressed up in costumes. Some emulated FEMA workers. A guy named Leo looked like the Riddler on Batman. Leo had a simple black bodysuit with play money stapled all over himself. His costume was "FEMA MONEY". Lots of federal dollars have been thrown at everything down here. Don dressed up like an Egyptian Pharoh. Either he was sucking in, or he has managed to get in good shape. I was surprised how tan he was and to see his eraser-like nipples. I couldn't stop playing with Don's nipples. Something about a man's nipples... Grrr... Perhaps I have a case of "Nipple Envy", because of my own "ant bite" nipples. My favorite costume was worn by guys who wore camo pants and black shirts with white lettering reading "Mandatory Ejaculation". WOOF! That is a spoof to all the HOT army men toting around machine guns pulling people out their homes when there was a Mandatory Evacuation in the days after Katrina.

When we stumbled across Kevin, Keith and Bryce, none of which were in costume, we ended up hanging with this group. There is nothing like old barflies running into each other. Ahhh... the bond that us barflies have. In devasted New Orleans, the best feeling right now is finding your long lost and displaced familiar faces. Just hanging with these Bourbon Pub regulars, brought a happiness to my heart.

It is almost as if we gay men are part of a tribe. The tribe has been scattered by the worse natural disaster to ever strike the United Sates. Last night was a small Pow Wow. The drums are beating. Soon, more tribal members will comeback to the city. The Pow Wow will grow into a magnificient chorus of souls. The bond that keeps our tribe together will not be broken. We will comeback to the city. We can survive this.

Whooping Those Sinners for the Lord...

Last night, I played tennis with Tom. If you don't know who this cat is, he is the one that I ranked as #99 (for humor)in Brett's World Tennis Rankings. He did NOT like that ranking one bit! He was downright PISSY about it. I am sorry. I gave Tom that ranking to MOTIVATE him. I wanted Tom to improve his game. Hell, I know I sure benefit from NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT.

His game was ON. He arrived at the tennis courts before I did. He was practicing his serves (his strongest suite). He was serving those tennis balls at 90 - 100 MPH. He had a menancing look about him from across the net. IT WAS VERY FAMILIAR TO ME. It was the look of... "I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!" Boy did he try! My wrists began to hurt from trying to hit those supersonic serves. Amazingly, the line score didn't tell the tale of how close the first set was. I waxed him on the first set 6-1. The key was my hustle and my stealth-like pinpoint accuracy. I returned that ball FLAMING one inch over the net and skipping only about a foot high. Most were unreturnable.

Hmmm? What can I do to help poor Tom out. Since I needed practice with my serves, I announced that we should try to play "First In". This is where you can serve as many times until you hit it inbounds. This discourages those "poofs" across the net on the second serve which saves you from a humiliating "double fault". Lord, as soon as I let us play "First In", Tom was on fire. Those balls were coming at me so fast. We had our most competitive set EVER! I struggled and fought, but eventually prevailed 7-5. Whew!

And Tom was a good sport. He asked me repeatedly if I wanted to quit out of concern for my wrists. I said "NO" because he was doing so well and I didn't want to ruin what may have been his first set victory against me. After the match, he announced that he had a surprise for me. What?! A surprise... for me??? Oh God! What is he giving me? Books about "Being a Good Sport" or "Winning isn't Everything!"???? To my amazement and delight, it was exactly what I needed to pick up my game. He got me a bucket of balls and one of those ball cages where you can stand up next to you as you practice your serves. Awww.... THANKS TOM BUDDY!!! You are the best!!! What a thoughtful gift.

SHOUTOUT TO MY BUDDIES: I feel so enriched by my friends. Lately, some of you have gone out of your way and lifted my spirits by doing small acts of kindness for me. You know who you are. I probably don't deserve it, but I want to thank you all for being thoughtful recently when I was in a deep hole. I love my friends, and you guys are the best! :)

Guess Which Ones Are Hung Like A Horse?

For Sean...

It is times like these that I am made keanly aware that all my ordeals are trivial in the grand scheme of life. If you haven't checked in on Sean in a long time, I encourage you to go to his site now. He has a very touching tribute to a special woman named Sharon.

I have talked to Sean on many occasions in the past year by voice, email and IM. Right off the bat, I knew this is a special guy. Sean has a big heart, and you see that and his wisdom come out in everything he touches. He wanted me to let others know that he is going through a lot of issues right now, but to be rest assured that he will be in a much better place in the future.

I am wishing the very best for you Sean. I am praying that you get to a better place and you find the strength to tackle anymore hurdles that may come your way. You have a friend down here in Louisiana that is thinking of you. I love you buddy.

"You two act more like a couple now that you are NOT a couple."

"You two act more like a couple now that you are NOT a couple." Those were the famous words from my friend Steve last night. He had his heart broke recently, but we shockingly found him together with the heartbreaker last night at the Pub. And here we were... me and E.Shrew... hanging out together. It was a defining moment. We could only sigh and say, "Yes... we know."

It's true. Now that we were single, we are treating each other better. We still talk on the phone, hang out together, and imitate porn stars between the sheets. Is it fucked up? You bet your sweet ass! It has been GOOOOOOOD. We are behaving as if we had just met and going through the courtship rituals.

Where do we go from here? I am not sure. It feels like we still have a relationship. Of course, we have to iron out some "THORNY ISSUES", but we may get back together. Don't be surprised. Stay tuned for... "As Brett World Turns..." (which has to be more riveting than Scotty's Weekend updates)

Fall from the Rankings...

Well, I am officially NOT the number one ranked player in Brett's World anymore. That honor goes to the Republican. We played on fine courts right near my workplace. I had never played this guy before. I could tell during the warmups that he was A LOT more skilled than I was. I was like, "OH SHIT!" His serves are awesome. While I did not serve ONE Ace... he served probably about four for the first set. He is a VERY aggressive net player. He could hustle too!

The funny thing was that as we played, the line score was not reflecting the vast differences in our skills. I bolted out to a 5-2 lead! UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! Just one more game... that is all I had to win to win the first set. But the Republican stopped giving me "gifts". He played VERY TIGHT. He tied the score at 5-5 by winning three straight games. Damn him! Then the Republican took the lead! It was now 6-5! I was SUPER PISSED. NO WAY WAS I GOING DOWN LIKE THIS! So, I managed to win and tie the match up at 6-6. We were going for the tiebreaker. I was nervous, yet very excited. I jumped out to a 2-0 lead. Then I had a 4-2 lead. That was history. He ended up pulling away and winning 7-5 in the tiebreaker game.

I was stunned about the reversal of fortunes, but you know what? I had a FUN TIME. It was such a treat to play this guy. My adrenaline flowed the entire set. He was the best player that I have ever faced, and I met his challenge. Instead of finishing the match, we decided to leave after those 13 games. NEXT TIME I WANT REVENGE!!! I will play an entire match next time MOFO. BE READY! That time may come as soon as this weekend. I'll let you Brett fans know if I can climb back into the #1 spot.

New WTA Brett World Rankings:

1. The Republican
2. Brett
3. Evil Shrew
4. Bart
.
.
.
.
99. Tom

Confessions on a Tennis Court

Ahem... I conveniently forgot to mention my DEVASTATING tennis tournament loss last Saturday. How could I conveniently forget to mention it? Ummm.... well... I could blame it on my personal drama of being single... I could blame it on being too busy at work... or I could chalk it up as an "oversight".

Yes, as the #1 ranked tennis player in Brett's World, I ... L - L - LO... LOO... LOOOOST! I LOST. THERE! I SAID IT! My Ex (E.Shrew) and I played a tournament with Tom on Saturday. The tournament is a winner stay up game where the first one to win 10 games is declared the victor. Tom plain ass SUCKED on this day. I had just beaten him the night before (6-1, 6-3). E. Shrew has SUCKED ASS for the last two months as I beat him at a humiliating ratio of 2 out of every 3 games we played. But on this day, the clouds aligned right for the little EVIL SHREW... and he must have summoned all his evil powers to defeat me. E. Shrew won the tournament with 10 victories. I won 5 games. Tom (pitiful Tom) won only 1 game. I hung my head down in shame. I, the greatest tennis player in my known universe, had been upset by E.Shrew. Where's the gun?

I am trying to improve my tennis game BEFORE the HOUSTON TOURNAMENT on November 12th-14th. I am actively looking for new tennis opponents to give me a broader experience against others. In the not too distant future, I will go to Houston to get (yet again!) some more pointers from my excellent tennis coach Tim in Houston. To put up with a stubborn and competitive me, Tim is the nicest friend I could ever have. On November 5th, I have a match against a buddy in San Diego on Coronado Island while I am there on business. My goal is to advance at least one round in the Houston Tournament. The prospect of taking out E.Shrew in the same tournament... PRICELESS!

So, this afternoon I face a new challenger. I have never played this person before. What do I know about him? He is a gay man about my height. He has played in tennis clubs in New Orleans before. Perfect opponent to test my skills. The only problem is that he is a Republican!OOOOHHHH.... I am going to surely be fired up to face this MOFO!!!! This donkey dick is going to kick that Elephant's BUTT!!!

Details and new rankings will be announced tomorrow!

Current Rankings:

1. Brett
2. E.Shrew
3. Bart
4. Republican
99. Tom

Friendship Roses

Two Dozen Roses from a new friend. After every secretary of mine was green with ENVY, I called this new friend up. He said it was meant to be "Friendship Roses". Wow... friendship roses. It is nice to have a new friend that is thoughtful enough to send me this surprise. It certainly brightened up my day! I don't think I have ever had a friend just send me something so nice. To my new friend, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! They look gorgeous in my dining room!

Me and E.Shrew at Halloween in Baton Rouge

A Boy and His Horse

My father gave me "Fabio". This is the most beautiful horse that has ever been born on the family farm. I am so happy right now. I now own a very beautiful horse. I can't wait to train him and ride him. Woohoo... it's nice to be a country boy.

Don't Cha Wish your Boyfriend was HOT like me? Don't Cha wish your Boyfriend was HUNG like Me.

I know you want it, it's easy to see...





I can type anything here. You jerking MOFO's aren't reading this anyway. You are just looking at the pics, huh? I beat Tom in tennis this week 6-3, 6-1 and just last night 6-1, 6-3. My Ex lost to me for the umpteenth time a few days ago 6-4 before he said "No Mas". Do you care? Probably not. Am I cocky? You bet your sweet ass! I work too damn hard in the gym everyday to not blatantly and narcissitically show off my goods.

My Ex's Profile...

The Vapor TrailRandom Brutal Love Master (RBLMm)

Here today, gone today. You are The Vapor Trail. Are you in a relationship now?

Your exact opposite:The BackrubberDeliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer

What about now? Vapor Trails can be highly charismatic people--unpredictable, confident, and magnetic. You're experienced. You know how to handle yourself in a relationship, and many people appreciate that. Many people, all in a row. You've had your share of blissful beginnings, to be sure. But things almost never turn out how you'd like, do they? The problem is you're never happy with someone for an extended period of time. Relate to the following: Vapor Trails especially need a guy who will laugh at their jokes. They're also the most likely male type to be haunted by serious regret. FACT: A few of your exes, the ones you were best to, will always love you. Nice going. ALWAYS AVOID: The Backrubber, The Gentleman CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail

THE PLAYBOY

Clean. Smooth. Successful. You're The Playboy

You're spontaneous, and your energy is highly contagious. Guys therefore find you fun to be around, and girls find you compelling. You have lots of sex, and you manage it all without seeming cheap or being hurtful. Well done. You probably know karate, too.

Your exact opposite:
The Mixed Messenger
Deliberate, Brutal, Love Dreamer

It's obvious to us, and probably everyone else, that you're after physical rather than emotional relationships, but you're straight up with potential partners. And if a guy you want isn't into something casual, it's no big deal. You move on. BEFORE sleeping with him. Usually. At least you try to. Such control is rare.

If you're feeling unfulfilled, maybe you should raise your standards. New conquests will only be satisfying if there's a possibility of rejection.

ALWAYS AVOID:

The Mixed Messenger

I got the idea of taking this test from Adam. I SO want my Ex to take this test. I was a little surprised by my results. I am REAL curious what his results are.You can take the test here.

Soaring Spirit...

My spirit has soared today. After a few missteps, I have found my footing. Somewhere deep inside of me, I pulled out my voice. And that voice spoke with truth and wisdom. Nothing could hide from it or rebutt it. Today was a great day. My conscience is clear. A huge weight on my shoulders has been lifted. I can now start my new life: a life in the pursuit of happiness. God gives us one life to live. We should embrace life, love and happiness. For too long I have put other's wants and wishes ahead of my own. Today starts my focus on ME. I have a lot of love and devotion to offer someone. I will no longer settle for less. Today is the day I stop selling myself short. I deserve nothing but the very best. Today is the day I take flight and soar. Get ready world, Brett is COMING OUT.

Whispering Hyennas...

It has been three weeks since the DIVORCE, and the hyennas are out in force. What are Hyennas? They are your gay friends and acquaintances circling you. They give you their opinions, advice and push forward their own agendas. They whisper dreadful things in your ear about how better off you are without the Ex. They whisper all the wonderful things now open to you. But for whose interests are they serving? These particular Hyennas are coming in for the kill. They want the split to be permanent. They circle around. With sharp teeth, they pull at the fresh carcass. One by one, each helping to separate the flesh from the bone, until there is nothing left but the bare bones of a once vibrant relationship. Oh how I am frustrating the Hyennas. They are howling their displeasure. I am still having SEX with the Ex. The Hyennas must work extra hard now. Separate them! Separate them!

For those who care about me, the best thing to do is to ask me "How are you doing?" I am trying to get my bearings down. I go through boughts of loneliness and depression. I don't particuliarly like being single. So what if I seek comfort in the arms of the man I loved for the last year and seven months? I still love him and will always love him. Please understand that I'd rather hear "how are you doing?" than anything negative about my Ex. I hope my Ex is doing the same to his Hyennas as well.

Whooping Ass

Last night, my muscles were sore from my head to my toes. Three days straight of obsessive compulsive gym time will do that to you. There was not a muscle bear around to relieve the soreness of my tense muscles or help me with a release. It was close to bedtime for me.

Then I got the call. The GIANT wanted a late night tennis rematch. I looked at the clock. I was tired and sleepy. But being the competitor that I am, I said "BRING IT ON MOFO!" As I waited for the Giant to arrive on the tennis court of dreams, I practiced my serve. The night was calm and the sky was full of stars. I heard the loud footsteps. The ground shook with each step. The stars were suddenly blacked out. The Giant had arrived.

Game on. We played fiercely competitively in the first four games resulting in a 2 - 2 tie during the early part of the first set. It was enough experience to measure up my opponent, know his weaknesses, and exploit them. I ran roughshod over my enemy combatant and won the first set 6-3. If the first set was competitive, the second set was a game between the Temple Owls and USC. With the speed of the Concorde and pinpoint accuracy, I hit the ball in the open areas Giant couldn't cover. I played stealth tennis. When Giant wasn't trying to race after those bullets, he was trying to lodge my swift serves back over the net. My serve game was UP and it cost Giant some badly needed points. His ultimate undoing was not being able to cover his side of the court as I expertly placed my shots. The Giant came crashing down to his knees in a humiliating defeat 6-1.

FINAL SCORE: 6-3, 6-1

Winning... PRICELESS

WTA Rankings:

1. Brett
2. Michael
3. Giant
4. Bart

Working Out Makes...

ME SO HORNY

I'm a freak in heat,
a dog without warning
My appetite is sex,
'cause me so horny

Ahh! Me so horny!
Me love you long time!

I am back into that obsessive compulsive aggressive mode. On Sunday, I had a HARD workout... then let my testosterone whoop some ass in tennis. Monday, I worked my legs with crushing weights. Today, I BUSTED ASS and had the HARDEST and most GRUELING upper body workout I have ever had. I didn't quit. I am a man on a mission. I went upstairs and joined a full SPINNING CLASS with FEM-NAZI instructor. That BITCH made us squat so low on that damn spinning bike. My GLUTES were already hurting from the 335#'s squats from last night. I cringed in pain but beared it. Just like the super trooper I am.