Place: George's Place (Baton Rouge)
Time: July 18th, 11pm Saturday Night
Beauty Contestant You SHOULD Root For: "Desperina" the desperate gay man! For those of you who don't know, "Desperina" was the drag name my friend Steve (Wisconsin) gave me after I became single last year. Apparently, while on vacation in Las Vegas, I was desperately hugging up on anybody with a warm pulse. I also got accused of chasing the camera man around and mugging for every picture taken for the "Black Jack Bears" event. Hence, "Desperina" was born as my alter ego that is always a doozy to deal with. But being a doozy means being a FLOOZY... and personally I think that can be fun! I really think poor old Desperina is just often misunderstood. Yes, she is an ATTENTION WHORE... but she always gives back as much love as she desperately seeks.
We plan to go to the neighborhood bar "Georges" for 30 minutes before heading to the big dance club "Splash". I usually get a couple drinks at this bar to get a quick buzz, before heading out to dance my ass off at the other club. As soon as we walk into Georges I knew something was amiss. The crowd was different! I told Michael, "This looks like a Lafittes (New Orleans) crowd!" Sure enough, the theme for tonight was "Bear Night". I didn't mind because I like hairy guys... especially Musclebears! :P
So, we are hanging out. I see some old friends. We are having a good time. We are about to leave when a Lesbian asks us if we would be willing to enter tonight's "Daddies Contest". Michael is very conservative and would never commit himself to anything without knowing every single detail beforehand. Tonight he was quick to say, "NO...I am not doing it!" The Desperina in me was jumping for joy. This was HER MOMENT TO SHINE! The Lesbian could sense she had a ringer! She immediately asked Michael if it was okay to let me go up there. He was like, "Sure... I don't mind." Then the Lesbian tells us that I would have to take off my shirt for the competition. I immediately start to fret, "But I am NOT a Daddy! I haven't worked out in a week! I have been eating Taco Bell all week! I am going to look fat up there!" But with the words of encouragement from the WOOFY male MC, "You'll be the hottest up there!", Desperina leaped out and said "SURE! I'LL DO IT!!!" And the rest is history.
I surveyed the judges: two Lesbians and three older bears. Hmmm... who can I blow to seal victory for Desperina? Darn it! Scratch the Lesbians... ewww. The other three judges were older men. Well, if I had to, I suppose I could. But with my boyfriend there, I would have to win this competition fair and square. I immediately pulled my dick out of my jock strap and let the material in the front cup under my balls. There! Instant cock ring!
I quickly surveyed the competition. There were 6 individual contestants. Of our group, there were only three bona fide "Daddies". These were the only men over 40 AND who exhibited any kind of "bear look". Contestant #1 was an old leather queen in his 50's, red hair, and with as much hair on his back as his belly (yuck!). I dismissed this one as NO THREAT. The second contestant was my friend Freddy. He has an wonderful body and he is actually a real life GrandDad. I was happy that he was in the pool of contestants. He was the only one I wouldn't mind losing to. The third contestant was the cub. I quickly discerned this cub as my ONLY competition, because he was the only one I would sleep with. He was YOUNGER than me, very cute, and fit the mold of tonight's crowd. Hmm... how can I trip him when he goes offstage?!The 4th contestant was a big old bear with noticeable surgery done on his stomach and had to be pushing 60. Poor dear.... doesn't stand a chance. The final contestant was a TRUE QUEEN. She wore sunshades, had lowcut jeans, and a smooth swimmers body. I knew MISS THANG wouldn't be well recieved with this crowd!
One by one, we went up on stage and let the audience of 200 bears and cubs meet us. I politely clapped as the others went up on stage. I was going to pretend to be a Sandra Dee, with kindness in my heart for others and adopt an attitude that I was happy to be here. (This was going to protect me later in the event of a humiliating loss.) Perhaps this would score Desperina some modesty points, which everyone knows I always seem to be short of. When it was my turn, I go up on stage and the audience gives me a loud applause. I politely wave to the crowd and give them a Miss USA worldclass smile. Coupled with my Caribbean Blue eyes... their big Bear hearts just melted. Excellent! Seduce them and victory is yours. Following me was my chief competition... the cute cub. Awww... I could just choke him there on the spot. I was VERY perturbed to hear that this little bastard had just as much (if not more!) applause than me! OH THIS IS WAR NOW!!!! The bear with surgery done on his belly was next. The crowd applauded politely, but noticeably quieter, than for anyone else. Awww.... bless his heart. I went ahead and gave him some applause because I figured it was safe to do so without hurting my 1st or 2nd clap-o-meter reading. The final contestant to prance around the stage was the TRUE QUEEN. She sashshayed all over the stage. I could have sworn I heard groans and boo's for this one. Ha ha.
Next came the interview phase. They pulled three questions out of a fish bowl and asked each contestant different ones. Most people up there were nervous and gave timid answers. My questions were: (1) If you were on a baseball team, which position would you play: Pitcher or Catcher. I answered, "I am the pitcher when I want to be... and the catcher... (pause for effect)... 90% of the other times." The Tops in the crowd roared with approval (2) Neverland or Disneyland? I answered, "Neither... I would rather be in "Any Man's Pantsland." The crowd loved the cleverness of my answer. Good so far. Unfortunately, the third question was the weirdest fucking question. It was... "Which one of these make a higher income and why: a bear, otter, wolf, or cub. " How in the fuck was I suppose to answer that one? For this question, I answered "An Otter is probably a younger person... and perhaps works in I.T.... so I think that perhaps he would make the highest income. " The crowd didn't understand the question and they certainly didn't understand my fucked up answer. There was a lack of applause and some confused chatter. I was not too happy with the judges for screwing up my chances and giving me such a dumbass question! Then the Cub goes up there. That bitch gets three straight GREAT questions. He cleverly answers them with all the sass and coyness in the world and the audience just eats it up. Oh good for HER. I put on my plastic smile and PRETEND to clap, being very careful not to register one more audible tick up on the imaginary clap-o-meter.
The next round involved calling each contestant one by one for a final strut-your-stuff appearance on stage (WHORE OFF). Well.... I was determined to win the WHORE OFF. This called for DESPERATE MEASURES!!!! (Think Paris Hilton putting a pineapple up her twat ala South Park) I get up on stage and start flexing my muscles. I am the most built. I show those hard to come by back muscles. I tug at my nipples. I even raised up my arm, and pretend to lick my bicep and armpit. PURE SLEAZE. The Bears LOVED IT! Then I used the MC as a prop, put my hands around his waist, and bent over to the crowd to show off my muscular butt and my thick hamstrings and calves. They ROARED! YES!!! IT'S WORKING. But I wasn't finished. I went a step further. I had secretly used my boyfriend as a "fluffer" when I was not on stage to show off "Slab". I grabbed my crotch through my jeans and showed the audience how thick he was. The MC asked me if it was 9". Of course I said "Hell yeah! It goes all the way to here!" (pointing down my pants legs) People were whistling and hooting and howling. I pensively looked out in the audience hoping my boyfriend or any tricks wouldn't shout out "ON WHAT FUCKING RULER?!?!" Since no one started singing like canaries, it worked!
The competition ended with us all having to go up on stage and watch a big black man sing a song. We were encouraged to dance with each other and strut ourselves some more. I flexed some more, and simulated oral sex on Freddy. He, in turn, got on his knees and pretended to blow me. I kept teasing the crowd by releasing three buttons from my button fly jeans. When the large black man stopped singing, they announced that they would give a $60 bar tab for 1st place, $40 for 2nd place and $20 for 3rd place. Freddy and I looked at each other and said together, "OH SHIT! THEY ARE GOING TO RANK US!!!!" How horrible if Desperina doesn't even finish 3 out of 6?!?!?! We knew that fucking Cub was going to win it all. We plotted to push her off the stage the moment her fat ass won.
Then the results came in. "Third Place goes to..." the man that was the LEAST attractive. He was the man with the belly surgery and pushing 60. We were stunned! I was like "WHAT THE FUCK!?" I felt a surge in satisfaction... "Surely I'll be second at least!" And sure enough... "Second Place goes to..." Brett! I WON!!!! I WON!!! DESPERINA FINALLY WON SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HER POOR PITIFUL LIFE!!!! YES! YES! YOU REALLY DO LOVE ME! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! And then the moment had come... "First Place goes to..." Contestant #1!!! The 50 year old red head man wearing leather with a big gut, and as much hair on his back as he had on his front. OH MY GOD!!! NO WAY!!!! Freddy was PISSED! The Cub was stunned! The audience gasped.
As I left the stage, I had so many congratulate me and tell me that I should have won. I was playing the "glad to be runner up" routine and telling them I was happy to finish second. I reached my partner, Michael, and he was so happy for me. He had cheered me on the entire night and was beaming. He was so proud of my performance... he was proud of Desperina. He told me, "Now, if first place can't fulfill her obligations, that'll mean as first runner up... you'll win!" I smiled and crossed my fingers for that to come true!