It rained nearly the whole day yesterday in south Louisiana. I looked forward to playing tennis and laying out nude at the Country Club http://www.countryclubneworleans.com/
, but I couldn't do any other those things. Bummer! It would have been a perfect day to stay in bed and fuck all day, but my partner had to go to a child's birthday party. So, the only thing I could do was clean the house and find something to cook for dinner.
The cleaning part was excellent. The house smelled very fragrant after I went around with one of those Swiffer mops with fresh spring air cleaning scent. Then I replaced my dried up Glade fan air fresheners with another spring time smelling scent. Everything was dusted. Every piece of clothing was washed, dried, and put up. The house was clean. I even took a garden hose and hosed off the entire carpart. The cleaning job was finished perfectly.
Unfortunately, the next task (cooking dinner) proved quite a challenge to me. I would consider myself a person that does not cook. My mother had suggested that I learn to cook with a crock pot because even a total cooking dumbass could do it! (Those were not her exact words... she may have thought it... but she would never say that to her baby!)
I digress. Back to the cooking. Well, the first two times I used my crock pot, it yielded WONDERFUL results. THANK GOD, because I served 5 hunky guests on those two occasions. The second to last time was a disaster. My friend Luke had told me that you can never put too much garlic. Those fateful words ruined my third crock pot roast. It was basically a sea of black garlic goo with a long dead and drowned roast. It was so bad, that my poor dogs wouldn't even eat it. You know you fucked up when even man's best friend will turn his nose up to something you cooked. In fact, I remember checking on the spot where I threw the disaster over the fence and discovered something shocking. The roast was so bad, even ants wouldn't touch it 24 hours later! Damn! What did I create... a natural pesticide?
I did improve yesterday, but alas still too much seasoning. My approach to throwing things in the crock pot is that "more is better". Well, that is apparently not the case. The meat was great as usual, but the dish was too damn spicy. Even for this coonass!
I really want to learn to cook. It is a shame that a grown 34 year old man cannot prepare anything more fabulous than a hamburger, spaghetti, sandwich or a bowl of cereal. If I were writing a personal ad, it would say "I can clean, but can't cook." A requirement if you and I are going to be partners is that YOU have to know how to cook. Cause I sure as hell can't! I'll just cook in the bedroom and we'll call it even.
My partner is trying to teach me that sometimes LESS IS BETTER. I need to learn that principle because everything I do I seem to operate in the extremes. I am either extremely lazy or extremely full throttle. There is rarely a time I am in between. So, that is my new focus.
LESS IS BETTER. LESS IS BETTER. LESS IS BETTER.